Leaving the family business – Insight as I finally stand up for myself and live my own life?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi there,</p>

<pre><code>I’m undergoing a lot of family flak and hostility right now in regards to my family’s business, and I’d appreciate some advice and insight on if I’m doing the right thing or not.

As I’ve previously posted about, my extended family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) own and operate a family business for which I work full-time during the summer and part-time during breaks and on weekends. It’s a labor-intensive job that also includes working with customers at a register, and we have a schedule in place for those of us who are assigned to work up front (everyone else just does what they want).

Here’s the thing: I am moving on in life, and my intellect, talents, and dreams have long ago shifted away from this business. My father (who was a co-owner) died and so is not involved in the business, and due to this, my cousins with palpitating parents get to do whatever they want while I get the short end of the stick and am expected to do everything and anything. I do bland, basic, routine things for which I am way over-quailed, and my mind wanders and my temper rises every single day that I work there. In short, it is making me an irritable, unhappy person, and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Here’s another thing: I have a steady tutoring job at school that pays just a little less and that offers me extra professional opportunities. Additionally, the best part is that it actually makes me HAPPY and that I LIKE going into work. It’s like I’m a totally different person when I work there.

Here’s another, another thing: money isn’t an issue. I fortunately have saved up 20k over the years, and since I’ll be tutoring for the next two years of undergrad, I’ll be making even more money to put away. I also fortunately have a full-ride and don’t have any looming tuition bills.

This is the situation, and I actually just recently told my family that I want time off and that I’m moving on in life. I told them I wasn’t happy and that I had to do what’s best for me. Regardless of my feelings about the business and my family’s work ethics, I do love them, and telling them I was moving on was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It hurt my heart and felt like I was throwing away everything I’ve ever known. However, this love doesn’t seem to be reciprocated since they’re all upset and are complaining that they have people going on vacation and that they need me to work for them.

I gave them my two weeks of notice and am not even quitting altogether. I’m working Saturdays and Sundays since they’re our busiest days, and I even assured them that I would help out when people are gone. I even offered to do the more undesirable work for the next few days.

Yet here I am upset because I overheard my uncle talking crap about me and saying how lazy and inconsiderate I am. I receive dirty looks from my cousins and our hired help, and though my mother urges me to get the hell out of there and one of my aunts and her daughter are standing by my side and supporting my decision, I feel like I’m making the worst decision of my life.

Have I done anything extremely wrong? Sure it’s lame to take time off in the middle of the summer, but since I gave advance notice and am still working, what’s the big deal? And since I secretly hate the business and even extremely dislike certain family members, shouldn’t I stand up for myself and take myself out of a toxic situation? Since I don’t need the money, don’t I deserve to focus more on research for my tutoring job or on other pursuits that can actually get me somewhere?

Thanks for reading all of this, and I’m sorry if I come across as unreasonable or spoiled. I’ve been fighting my hatred of this place for years, and without my father there for me to lean on, I really don’t feel like there’s anything left for me.
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2

<p>@opori2, You have made the best decision for you. Listen to your Mom, Aunt and her daughter, who all support your wise decision. You have done nothing wrong. You are not unreasonable nor spoiled. In fact, that you have helped out all these years shows that you are good at teamwork.</p>

<p>You do NOT owe your extended family any more of your time. As you have determined, it is the right time to move on to the jobs that interest you, the tutoring, and you need to move in the direction of what you hope to be doing in your career. The tutoring makes you happy and it has professional opportunities.</p>

<p>Get through the next two weeks. Try not to listen to what they are saying. They will find something else new to complain about after the two weeks when you are no longer working there.</p>

<p>Don’t listen to their negative jibes. You already made the decision and gave them your two weeks notice. Stick with your decision. Be happy that you have a specific date that you are no longer working there. IMHO, I wouldn’t even go back to help on weekends. They will continue to draw you back. Make it a clean break.</p>

<p>You have made the best decision for you and for your future. You owe it to YOURSELF to be happy and pursue YOUR interests. Don’t look back. Good luck with all this! </p>

3

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</p>

<p>Listen to your mother. </p>

<p>@Busyperson said it all extremely well. She (?) is right. You’re not doing anything wrong.</p>

<p>The alternative is to stay, and in 50 years wonder where your life went. </p>

4

<p>They are upset because your quitting is inconvenient to them, not because you don’t have the right to move on. They can hire someone to replace you, but it would mean extra work for them. They will get over it. Listen to your mom.</p>

5

<p>You ARE doing the right thing. You are handling things in a very mature way. Please, please listen to this one piece of advice… Have a “FINAL” day at work. Then walk away. I promise you that your family members will do everything they can to suck you back into the business. </p>

<p>“Just work this one week while we’re on vacation” or “Johnny called in sick on our busy day, you HAVE to come and help us.” They will assume they can manipulate and guilt you into coming back. DO NOT LET THEM !!! If an employee that wasn’t related to them gave notice and left, they wouldn’t have power over that employee to drag him/her back to do the grunt work. So act like a regular employee, say your goodbyes, make mention over and over about your FINAL DAY as it approaches. Then get out of town, turn off your cell phone, and hide away from these family members for a few weeks.</p>

<p>Practice saying “No, I am not able to come back and work.” Do not add any reasons, excuses, and do not say you are sorry you can’t work. Just say NO. If you go back even ONE TIME, they have won and will continue to nag away at you.</p>

<p>Your family is going to dump on you, the ones who have been using you to do all their work for them. Accept that, don’t lose sleep over it, and move on to the great things you have lined up for your future. </p>

<p>Congrats to you for finding the courage to pursue YOUR dreams. </p>

6

<p>“I gave them my two weeks of notice and am not even quitting altogether. I’m working Saturdays and Sundays since they’re our busiest days, and I even assured them that I would help out when people are gone.”</p>

<p>powercropper is right on target. You do need to quit altogether. Make your two weeks notice a true two weeks notice, not a two-week warning that you want to cut back your hours. Wanting to cut back your hours, and actually being “allowed” to do so by whoever it is who writes the schedule each week are two very different things.</p>

<p>Kiss the whiners good-bye, and get out the door.</p>

7

<p>Quit completely. I own my own business and frankly don’t even want my kids taking it over. They can work for me during the summers if they choose - one is and one isn’t this year. This business is not their passion, like yours isn’t for you. Cut ties, move on, and they’ll get over it. And if they don’t it’s their problem not yours. </p>

8

<p>you are doing the right thing. So sorry to hear that your dad has passed, but your mom supports your decision.</p>

<p>the relatives may be giving you grief because they can boss YOU around, but cant boss their own kids around.</p>

<p>or…they may think that your family has to do some work as part owners because profits are shared. Maybe y’all need to sit down with an atty to determine how profits will be fairly split and salaries will be FAIRLY PAID (so they arent padding their hours/salaries to reduce profits that will be split…some oversight controls need to be in place to prevent fraud). Maybe your dad’s share needs to be purchased by them at a fair price.</p>

9

<p>Get.Out. My dad worked in a family business for his entire life. Similar situation. His dad and another family member started the business, but his dad (my grandfather) died and the business went to the other side of the family. He was treated like crap throughout his years. This other side of the family didnt even show up at my wedding or at his funeral. Get.Out.Now.</p>

10

<p>Agree with other posters who said you should not continue to work there at all. Make a clean break which will let you totally remove yourself from the situation and the reactions of family and other employees. It’s hard to believe you are even questioning your decision or feeling any sort of guilt. Your life is your own. Anyone who has expectations otherwise is out of line.</p>

11

<p>OP, good for you for changing your life and getting out of that job! I agree with the others, make a clean break and simply be unavailable for the weekends and other times. Make some plans now so it will be easier for you to fob them off when the time comes since they are likely going to be pushy and nosy. </p>

<p>I suspect that your cousins and other family members are jealous of your educational opportunities and your potential for a future that is free of them economically. Jealous people, stuck in the same stultifying environment, are going to be mean. And the last two weeks of a bad job are usually the worst. You can’t wait to be out of there, they will give you the crappiest jobs to do – but then, you’ll be free!!! Do a little happy dance and make lots of plans for your joyous tutoring and relaxing weekends!</p>

12

<p>Thank you so much for all the support! I really appreciate it. </p>

<p>I know deep down that this is the right thing to do, but it’s hard for me not to feel bad about it.</p>

<p>In all sincerity, There’s literally nothing left here for me. When my father died, he and his share were cut out of the will, so I don’t profit anything from all his hard work. I have a job here, which has been nice the past decade, but I’m now at the point where I don’t really see any benefits. I’ve made my money, know how to work hard, and now know what it feels like to outgrow something. That’s it, and I don’t see anything else happening from this. </p>

<p>It makes sense with my head, but I guess my heart hasn’t quite caught up. What do I do when they start screaming at me and insulting me? How do I handle their disappointment and anger? That’s the part that really upsets me. </p>

13

<p>Geez, nobody should be screaming at you and insulting you! If someone directs something that abusive directly to to you, say to them, “if you scream at me like this, I will leave earlier”. Seriously. Or ask them, “do you want me to finish my shift today, because if you scream at me, I will be leaving now”.</p>

<p>It’s bad enough that they treat you that way, please do NOT feel guilty about it.</p>

14

<p>Quit for good after the two weeks. Do not return to help out. A good clean split will be best for everybody. If you don’t quit completely it will be seen as “cherry-picking” hours from their viewpoint vs. your idea “of helping out”. Actually, it sounds like you’ve been a bit of a doormat. Time to stand up.</p>

<p>Go be happy–listen to your mom. You are not indispensable at the business. They’ll just hire someone else. </p>

15

<p>“What do I do when they start screaming at me and insulting me? How do I handle their disappointment and anger? That’s the part that really upsets me.”</p>

<p>Can others join in with some appropriate phrases for OP?</p>

<p>Honestly, I would find ONE PHRASE, one sentence that you repeat throughout the rest of your time at work. There is nothing you can say that will please these people, but it might help you to have a stock answer. </p>

<p>You don’t have to “own” their anger and disappointment. They want you to, and in the past it sounds like they have been able to manipulate you using anger and disappointment. You have made a brave decision, and between now and when you walk out the door for the last time, you will be dumped on, insulted, and yelled out more than ever before.</p>

<p>But you have a golden ticket to get out of this situation. Keeping your mouth shut and your mind set on your great future plans will hopefully give you the courage you need to endure this last round of hatred.</p>

<p>(Now, you could walk away now and not even work out your two week notice, but I imagine that might take more courage than you can muster. But you would be well within your rights to do so, and if the dumping gets too severe, know that is an option for you as well.)</p>

<p>Please come back and post updates, and let us continue to encourage you through your last days at work.</p>

16

<p><<<
When my father died, he and his share were cut out of the will,
<<<</p>

<p>what? then those relatives have no business expecting anything from you…you are an employee like any other regular employee.</p>

<p>Heck, I wouldnt even honor the 2 weeks notice if they bully you at all during the period. If they mistreat, then walk out saying that is your last day and they know where to send the final check.</p>

17

<p>The day has come for you to walk away from your family’s business.
Time to stand tall and acknowledge your family treats you like their whipping boy because of your insecurity about your place in the family.
They take advantage of your sense of obligation to them and disrespect you.
Stop expecting them to be happy for you.
You have to face your uncles and cousins and tell them you will stop working completely.
Pick a day in July.
This gives them time to schedule the weekend shifts.
They treat as an employee, not as a family member so let them deal with the schedule.</p>

<p>Why let them treat you badly any longer?
You know it is time to show your character and not cave to family pressure.</p>

<p>Be ready for them to be mad, say angry, mean things about you, and disown you.
You and your mother may not be welcome at family gatherings and may be frozen out all together.
You don’t have to keep justifying why you are quitting.
They don’t hear you.</p>

<p>Good luck, followed your struggles and hope you can be at peace with standing up to your family.</p>

18

<p><<<<
Stop expecting them to be happy for you.</p>

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<p>In a nutshell, this is probably the barrier that is keeping the OP from leaving. These folks arent going to be happy, they may even get angry, but unless they are total a-holes, their anger will subside…and if it doesnt, then working for those folks is a bad idea anyway.</p>

19

<p>Thank you all SO much for the the encouragement and advice. I truly appreciate it, and I’ll try my best to absorb and try it all out. </p>

<p>@mom2collegekids‌, I think you’re right. I guess I just keep hoping that they’ll understand and that they’ll accept my choices and be nice to me regardless of where I work, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. They didn’t like my father when he was alive and aren’t the nicest to my mother, but I thought maybe they’d be nicer to me since I’ve always tried to be be a good family member and worker. </p>

<p>I don’t want to burn any bridges, but I’m afraid it may already be burnt. </p>

20

<p>"What do I do when they start screaming at me and insulting me? How do I handle their disappointment and anger? That’s the part that really upsets me. "</p>

<p>Walk out and never look back.</p>