When she arrived at our 85yo dad’s house for her weekly visit, my sister found Dad looking through a stack of black and white photos. He said he’d found a box of old letters in the attic, and he’d pulled out all the photos. These were letters he’d written to my mom during their courtship 60+ years ago that my mom had saved. (They had an unusual courtship–my dad lived overseas for 2 years, and he proposed by mail! He was 23-24yo when he wrote most of the letters.) Mom died 3 years ago. Decades ago she’d mentioned the box of letters, but I’d forgotten about them. Anyway, when my sister asked Dad where he put the letters after he’d pulled out the photos, he said, “In the garbage!” When she protested, Dad said that he’d read them, and was done with them, and that they were “personal” so he wanted to throw them away.
My sister went home then (she lives in the same town), and the next day Dad left to spend a week with another sibling out of state. Sis called me at that point and asked me if she should go back to Dad’s house while he is out of town, look for the letters, and get them out of the garbage if she finds them. (It was garbage day when dad left, so she didn’t know if he’d put out the garbage cans that day.)
What would you do in this situation? Respect your dad’s wishes, his privacy, or try to “rescue” family history?
Would you want your children reading the letters if you had written them to your boyfriend? I’m thinking you should respect your Dad’s privacy, but maybe save an envelope or two so you can preserve your Mom’s handwriting.
I’d rescue them and not tell Dad.
I threw out my mothers years of letters with dear old friends, after she passed, because they were meaningless to us. You decide if these letters are meaningful to you.
Do they hold family details or doings that posterity would value? Clues to genealogy or family traits (humor, resourcefulness, eg,) or times of crisis?
Many will photograph them, then toss. Up to you. I didn’t see "personal " as private. Maybe he meant not of interes to anyone but the couple.
I make a decision and no regrets.
I should clarify–she saved his letters, but he didn’t save hers. This may be partly because Dad is not very romantic/sentimental (typical engineer), and also due to his living situation. Dad had a unique cold-war-era job and lived in a remote place in primitive conditions. (He was not in the military.) Because the letters might contain some information about his job, I think they may have some historical value.
I think it is his choice. She asked, he said no. If he threw them away, they should be ‘gone.’ If he didn’t throw them away, they’ll be around when he dies and then they are yours.
I’d look for them, maybe save them to read after he is gone or maybe read one and make sure there is nothing there you think would embarrass him.
I would respect your Dad’s wishes. I would consider the letters his property, not yours, so it is his decision to discard them if he wishes. If he wanted to share them with you, he would have.
I’d respect my dad’s wishes - no question.
Respect Dad’s privacy!
Oops. i didn’t mean while he’s living.
Well, it would be nice to have the letter in which he proposed!
I’d get them and put them away. At a later date it may give you comfort to read. My mothers and fathers letters helped immensely.
Ex and I were apart a year after we graduated from college. We wrote to each other everyday and we kept those letters for over 30 years. When he left he didn’t take my letters with him. I recently threw all of them out instead of leaving them for my children because they were private.
My parents also lived apart for 2 years when my father first moved to US. My mother sold her house this year to move into an apartment. She decided to throw out their letters, but gave my brother all of their old pictures (he is going to digitalize them). We didn’t ask my mother for the letters because they were private. Knowing my parents loved each other was enough for me. No need to read their private letters.
What I am thinking of, is all the people tracing their genes and finding old photos and old letters and documents and how cool that it, maybe they could be saved for future generations?
I would ask myself if my mother would have given the letters to me. That would make my decision.
I would respect your father’s wishes.
These are the dad’s property to decide what to do with. The mother had an opportunity to give her personal letters to her children but didn’t . The dad has spoken!
I would get them and keep them until he’s gone. My H and I wrote daily to each other every summer during college when we were apart. I kept them for years until, unfortunately, the box they were in was lost in a move. I was so sad when that happened as I was saving them for my Ds. It still makes me sad, years later, that they were lost.
This is a tough one. I’ve noticed with my own parents that sometimes they are clueless as to what their descendants find meaningful. Those letters would be precious to have, but without your father’s blessing, you may not feel the joy you’d hoped reading them.
I think you should be honest with him, and ask him to select a couple of letters as keepsakes for you and your sister. Hopefully he hasn’t actually tossed them! I’ll admit I’ve tossed a couple of photos of myself because I didn’t want them to ever see the light of day :))