Maybe if you don’t say anything, he will never throw them away and you will still get them. Or you could ask if you could have a few — like the one where he proposed. But I think you have to respect his decision, whatever it is. I do think the “historical significance” because of his job is reaching a bit. He wrote them, and your mom didn’t give them to you. They really aren’t your to take.
Here is what Mr. said. If it were his letters, he would mind if his kids read them while he was alive. However, when he is dead, he would not care. So if you decide to fish them out, put them in a box and don’t touch until sometimes after dad’s funeral.
Fwiw, my mom didn’t have an opportunity to do anything with the letters or her other property–she had a stroke and wasn’t in her right mind for many years before she died. About my dad’s job, basically, he was a spy. In an unusual place.
I wouldn’t be doing anything with the letters myself—I live states away. My sister has mixed feelings and asked for my advice. She respects our dad. He IS still (mostly) in his right mind, so no one would say he isn’t competent to make this decision.
But she really wants to save the letters. And so do I-- the thought of them in the garbage dump makes me incredibly sad. I think she should try to save them. We talked about her putting them away and not telling any of our other siblings until after Dad dies. It’s one of those situations where you know something is wrong, but you have good reasons to do it anyway. I should mention that, knowing my parents, I think it is highly unlikely that there is anything inappropriate or embarrassing in the letters. (If I thought they were racy/intimate love letters, I wouldn’t want to save them.)
@atomom - Mr. B approves of that plan.
Me Too!
Don’t be sad, if he did dump them. They were his. It could be wonderful to have this snapshot of their lives, at that time. But I like to think the realities exist whether or not the tangibles still do.
My mother lost some fabulous photos due to a water leak. I had treasured them, becuase they showed the rebel she was, during college. In fact, almost all our famly pictures were in that box. But we focus on what we do know, what we do remember, stories told, what we admired, what we loved.
Even just what you wrote here brings a smile- the fact of the separation and letters, his work abroad. You have those memories.
@atomom - As your father is mostly with it and the letters may or may not be available, it’s a good opportunity to have some conversation with him about his history. I get the wish to read the letters, yet it may not be possible, in addition to how it contradicts your father’s preference. Of course, conversation is not the same as letters written at the time, yet it could be meaningful, especially if thought is given to how to preserve his stories. Nice that he kept the photos; they could be a starting point.
Since technically the letters were Mom’s, and she had mentioned them (decades ago) to OP, I would have no qualms about saving them without Dad’s knowledge.
Even innocent ramblings about the chores of the day could give a glimpse of her life to subsequent generations.
I agree with @mominva. The letters were your mother’s, and she told you about them for a reason. I’d find them and save them.
Your Mom saved the letters. I think she wanted them preserved even if he didn’t. I’d be inclined to keep them, but I sure wouldn’t tell him, and I might wait until he passed away to read them.
I understand the dilemma. I have “historical” letters from relatives that are treasured. On the other hand, my mother found letters I had written as a young woman, wife, mother to my grandmother when Mother was going through my grandmother’s effects after her death. My mother proceeded to read every private letter - and let me know she had done so. I was (and am) furious. If you do the rescue, I am in the camp that votes don’t share the news with Dad!
A scenario like this is exactly why I threw out every letter and photo I had from any old boyfriends when we were moving to our current house. H and I did not exchange letters so I have no concerns there. H has a lot of old letters and photos from prior girlfriends. At my request, he threw out a few - from women I hate. The rest I don’t care about. I have read most of them, with H’s permission. I told him to let me know what to do with them if he dies first. If he wants the kids to have them, I will hold them till I die. Otherwise, I will destroy them. I am not at all sentimental.
For the OP- your dad indicated that he wanted the material thrown out. I would honor his wish.
“It’s one of those situations where you know something is wrong,”
This seems like one of those situations where you know the right answer, you just don’t like it.
You run the risk of a rift with your dad if you take them from behind his back and he finds out they are gone. And he would be justified in being angry. How do you want your kids to treat your wishes when they are older? I understand the temptation. I really do. But to me, respecting his privacy and expressed wishes trumps your curiosity. If they are still there when he dies or becomes completely incapacitated, then do as you wish. Until then, they are his. Not yours.
If they’re in the attic, it’s not like taking them from his dresser.
I have DH’s letters and cards to me and would be happy to have my kids read them. If he found the box, he might be inclined to just “clean up” and toss them. This could just be that he’s not sentimental about them.
Wow… “if they are in the attic it is not like taking them from the dresser”. No… really, it still is, especially when he has said no to the request for them.
He threw them out; the sister wants to retrieve them from the trash if possible.
They are still his. Not yours. He is the author and the spouse of the recipient. He said no. They are not the OPs or her sister’s.
Would you go into your neighbor’s trash without permission to fish out something you want?
Would being your neighbor’s child give you the right to fish out something you want from his trash without his permission?
If the daughters don’t have the honesty/courage/trust to ask their father for permission, what gives them the right to do this without his permission?
While I agree with the sentiment of respecting Dad’s wishes, these were letter written to your mother (even if by him) that SHE saved. She told you about the letters before she passed, which indicates she wanted you to have them. That means they weren’t really his to throw out. Out of respect for him, I would not discuss them with him, but I would consider salvaging them if possible.
Parents and grandparents sometime make such decisions not taking into account the younger generations, and their needs. They are of little value to him because he lived through the times referenced. While there might be references to family history he would prefer to hide, it is also YOUR family history. My mother’s family never celebrated her parents’ wedding anniversary, her mother always stated it wasn’t important - she and her sister found out their father had adopted my aunt when they got married, and sealed the birth records. She had no idea until she was 50 years old (somehow their brother knew, and kept quiet all those years). Had she had access to her birth father’s medical history, it would have made a difference. I would not start an argument with him over it, but if the opportunity is there to salvage some family history, I would do it.