I stand by my original opinion. If the mom had wanted the D to have them when she told her about them, she would have said - I would like you to have these when I die or something like that. Apparently, all the mom did was say they existed. To me, that’s not enough to justify stealing them behind the father’s back.
We don’t actually know that. He wrote them and sent them to OP’s mother, so they belonged to the mom. From OP’s posts it sounds like her mother may have intended them for her but became ill before she had a chance to do anything with them. If her mom wanted OP to have her letters then it’s not right for her dad to throw them away.
If I wanted to leave something for my children I’d be pretty upset with my spouse if I found out he didn’t intend to honor my wishes. This is why some people pass on important papers and other valuable items while they’re still living.
If the mother died without giving her personal possessions away, they went with the estate to the father. They are his.
No one would suggest that he children could just go into the house and start taking pictures or china or books without asking the father.
But OP made up her mind to support the sister.
^^Technically, they are 100% his only if there was no will, and the intestate succession scheme says that all of the deceased’s possessions go to the spouse. 
But it doesn’t sound like there was a dispute over personal property previously, and I doubt one would stand now. I’ve never seen an intestate law that divides personal property with little or no monetary value. An executor could order the letters sold and added the value to the estate, but that wasn’t done.
OP knows what her father wants done with the letters.
I would respect your father’s wishes.
I would let this go. These were your father’s possession…and he made a decision about what to do with them.
Really, they are not and we’re never your letters…or your sister’s. These were somw5hing between your mom and dad…and your mom didn’t share them with you…and you dad didn’t either.
I would not fish these out of the trash.
I agree with those that say you should respect his wishes and not bring yourself to the level of going through the garbage to retrieve what isn’t yours.
Now if it was an untouched chocolate eclair, well that’s something else entirely.
Update–Sis went back to Dad’s house, and saw that he had not taken his garbage cans to the street before he left. (Relief!) She looked in the house for the letters. Found a few of them in the kitchen garbage can, and the rest of them in the outside can. (No chocolate eclairs, though.)
Another garbage day will pass before he comes back, so Sis will take all the garbage out to the street–except the letters. She has to do yardwork there/check his house, so this would not be unusual. He will think the letters are gone with the rest of the trash, and she won’t mention it. (Fwiw, I doubt Dad would be that upset if he knew she took them. This would not ruin their relationship–but better that he not know. I think that because he is not very sentimental, not interested in family history himself, he can’t understand the value of these things to others.)
Sis did read some of the letters, and she said she hasn’t seen anything that would be embarrasing. She even read a couple to me over the phone. I can’t express how absolutely heartwarming and charming they are! I am not a very emotional person, but I am in tears just thinking about hearing those couple letters. Just a whole different view of my dad, who always was a man of few words, an introvert. So literate, thoughtful, funny, intelligent! Plus interesting details of his daily life. Bonus–there were a couple letters from Mom in the box! Priceless. I never had a close relationship with either of my parents, but this makes me feel more connected to them. Sis agreed to put the letters away (once she gets them back in order…) until after dad passes. Even if she stooped to digging them out of the trash/ going against Dad’s wishes, I’m happy she rescued them. I agree they are his property, but since he discarded them, I don’t feel that taking them out of the trash is quite the same as stealing from his house. If he is willing to give them to the dump, sis might as well have them instead.
I totally disagree with this. Your sister specifically asked your father about the letters and he specifically stated that he did not want to give them to her and he was throwing them out. It doesn’t matter that what they said warms your heart or if it had revealed him to be a Russian double agent in Mongolia - it was his choice and his expressed choice was to dispose of the letters. He trusted your sister to respect his wishes and she didn’t. If she was my child, I would be very hurt if I found out.
We have letters my grandmother wrote to my grandfather before they were married. Priceless.
He won’t find out, so he won’t be hurt. We do care about his feelings.
Love your post 48, atomom.
You and your sister made the decision that felt right to you.
"We have letters my grandmother wrote to my grandfather before they were married. " Those are nice to have but they must have left them behind knowing they were okay with others reading them? Many people get rid of personal pictures, letters, etc. they prefer others not to see. The father may have been trying to do that. Seems the time to intervene was when he first said he was throwing the letters away - asking him to reconsider, asking for access to the letters, explaining any importance to the family with ancestry, historical interest.
I have to agree with all the other posters that the letters should not be saved. I think it very inappropriate to go through somebody’s trash when that person told you explicitly that they did not want the letters to be saved.
I have been in a relationship for 3 years, but I would be mortified if my kids ever read the letters I wrote to my girlfriend and the letters she wrote to me. The letters are very personal and are meant to only be read by us.
Also, how do you know it’s highly unlikely the letters are racy/intimate, etc.? You don’t know that.
I think you should have ashamed of yourself that you are not respecting your father’s wished and had the audacity to go through your father’s trash to get his personal property.
So you are going to keep the letters out of your hands from your siblings? Why not share the letters with them now?
It is 100% wrong. I can’t imagine ever doing anything like this.
Think of it like this. Those letters were meant to me between your father and your mother and those people only. Reading those letters is an invasion of their privacy. It doesn’t matter if they are alive or dead.
I think it was selfish of the dad to throw away something that means so much to his children. The letters belonged to their mother and obviously meant something to her because she kept them. Surely the letters came up at some point during the half century they were together. I doubt he just stumbled across them in the attic. Her comments indicate that she was saving them for the children and I think it’s pretty unlikely that he didn’t know that. She apparently became too ill to actually hand them over herself, but it doesn’t absolve him from the moral duty to respect her wishes.
So much justification and explaining away what can be simply described as stealing and lying.
I’m sorry, but you don’t care about his feelings. He threw the letters away for a reason. If he wanted you to read the letters he would have given them to you.
It’s amazing how many different view points there are on this question. I would think that each of us is reacting from our experiences and family situations. I will take the OP at face value, there was a comment about Dad being unsentimental and not realizing any one would think the letters matter. Me, maybe it’s wrong, but I liked reading the OP’s update and I’m glad she saved the letters.
And I think I will go into the basement and read the letters between DH & I when we were dating and I was abroad! Just to make sure I am ok with them being read!