Now that S1 (who was asked to leave three different schools, and has Aspergers) is doing wonderfully in a special needs school and life is no longer a series of crises, I’m thinking about things that took the back burner:
In no particular order here are three:
Family time vs school time. Right now, for S1 (9) and S2 (8) homework is minimal to none. Extracurricular activities lightweight. Friends are there but not central. Our main family activities are reading, board games, bopping around town (usually to used book stores, museums), parks/playgrounds or biking in good weather. No screens (an occasional episode of something PBS-y Amazon Prime), no video games, no iphones or ipads. What good habits can/should I setup now to keep everyone mentally happy and healthy as life for the kids gets more complex? They don't have chores, allowance, they do not do their (minimal) homework without prompts, they share a room, no desks (work at dining room table).. Thoughts?
Heath. I'm 5'2" 165lbs. I need to lose weight. H wants to give me every weekday morning "off" before work, he will get both kids to school when he's not traveling. It is a 1hr walk to work from my front door (crossing the lovely Central Park). Should I just start by walking to work every day OR should I join a gym and do something heart-pumping? Should I join a cheap gym and just do basics (treadmill, weights) or a fancy gym and do classes? I'm SO out of shape, should I start with something like gentle yoga to ease back into it? Thoughts?
Boundaries. My mother lost a long battle with alcoholism three years ago. The emotional landscape of my grief is complex: a mix of deep sadness and loss as well as anger and resentment. She was an incredible women, but she also got drunk at my college graduation and ditto in my apartment days after I gave birth while visiting her newborn grandson. My father won no awards for supportiveness as her spouse (lots of denial, hiding, shame, controlling behavior). Fast forward to now: he has a serious girlfriend and wants to integrate her into our family life (e.g. holidays). I'm happy that he's happy but I want nothing to do with this woman (I've met her, we've had dinner, she's lovely, I still want nothing to do with her). I can sense he is hurt by this. He has "moved on" whereas I still feel many things are unresolved including is role in the progression and outcome of her disease (I'm not ready to confront him about it). In any case, I feel like I have a right to decide who gets to be in my life and am prepared to see less of my father because of it. Thoughts?
Thanks for the great advice I know you will have!
One final thing. Anytime I try to do deep relaxation or meditation… I cry. I feel overwhelming like a child who needs a enveloping hug and to collapse against some greater strength. So I never get to the clearing of the mind or focusing on breath stuff. I just sink into (to be brutally honest) a pity party. Like Groundhog Day, this is my reflex whenever I try to relax. I don’t know what to do about it. Thanks for any thoughts here too. Is this just grief? PTSD from S1’s crises? Peri-menopause? I’m 43.
Start by walking to work! I was in a deep depression after my grandmother died (natural causes) - she was my rock and only support system I had. I started walking for stress and grief relief - with headphones on I switch between classic rock, modern rock and meditative ambient music, I let my iPod shuffle through my extensive collection allowing the “universe to send me whatever messages I’m destined to hear” - lately I’ve added some lighthearted podcasts to the mix. It’s been almost 10 years now. I walk every single day, a minimum of 3.25 miles (just under an hour). I love this me time, I’m definitely healthier for it, both physically and mentally. The only tool I need is comfortable sneakers. After awhile you can decide if you’re even interested in going to the gym. You can easily drop 10-15 pounds in a year just walking. If I had Central Park and NYC as my muse I’d be exploring every inch (I log 7-12 miles a day in foot when I visit)! I am fortunate because I do have a lovely walk area as well. Go get some sneakers and ear buds, load up some tunes, and enjoy the walk!
I was going to say therapy as well. As far as exercise, I’d figure out what appeals which means you might stick with it. Especially at the beginning as you’re trying to incorporate more activity into your life.
Do your kids pick up after themselves, make their beds, etc? If not, I’d start to enforce those habits now. One rule I wish I started when my kids were young is, if you see something that needs to be done, do it. In other words, if you go to put a dish in the dishwasher and it’s clean, unload it. If you see something old in the fridge, toss it. If you throw something in the trash can and it’s full, take it out and replace the bag. If you are dropped off in front of the house, check the mailbox. You get the idea.
Personally, I’m a fan of chores. They don’t have to be overwhelming or numerous but it’s a great lesson for kids to realize they’re part of a home that requires work to keep it running. So, one or two small jobs a day or even a week is a good idea and you can decide whether completion is a requirement to receiving allowance (another thing I’m a fan of).
It already sounds like you have some very healthy habits with your kids. Is there an activity or two either of the kids would like to explore as an extra-curricular? Otherwise, how nice that they have down time during which they can just be…kids!
Health question: I would not do the hour to walk work …just yet. If you haven’t been exercising, you might burn out on that quickly, and what do you do in cold weather, rainy weather, snowy weather? I think that is too long, too soon and you might burn out. It’s too easy to talk yoursef out of it. I would start with the cheap gym with treadmill, weight machines and weights. If you can do that on a consistent basis, starting out 3 times a week, then after awhile you might decide to graduate to a more expensive gym. If it’s a pretty day and you feel like walking to work, then by all means do that. But, I wouldn’t use that as your main source of cardio exercise for weight lose. Plus, you need the weights. I don’t do a lot, but it’s amazing how they reshape your body.
Chores: I would have them do some light chores. Make their beds, take out trash, empty the dishwasher, windex or dust the family room or living room. We always did chores. We did allowance, but for some reason it was never consistent until they were a little older. We would forget, they would forget.
Family issues: don’t feel you are alone, many of us have anger and resentment issues that continue to cause grief. If you can see a therapist, that’s great. If not, I’d find some self help books about parents remarrying. It’s good that you at least like this woman.
Chores are good and reduce parental resentment. If you can set a family standard of all working together when something needs to be done, whether cleaning up after dinner, cooking together or folding that basket of laundry, it will lead to skills and an attitude that will serve them well in life. Learning to vacuum and clean a bathroom are other life skills that will be appreciated by future roommates and sig others.
Hearing that you try to meditate but dissolve into tears makes me want to give you the time to cry and a warm blanket and listening ear. Time with a sympathetic therapist might do much for your heart.
I am fighting the gym vs walking debate myself. I have walked most days for years when sidewalks are not icy. For the last year I have done high intensity workout in a gym. I needed the gym and am very happy with new found strength. However, now that it is walking season, I realize how much I get from those walks. The time outside is very healing and my legs look better with long walks.
Many kids that age are in organized sports leagues after school. It can be a good way to promote exercise, teamwork, independence, peer relations, etc., and should not be too time consuming. Similarly, some enjoy music lessons, or scouts or dance or art. I did find that those who didn’t begin these organized activities at that age often did not start them later, feeling somewhat behind their peers.
I work in NYC also and my walk to and from Penn is my only exercise at this point, which is not good but all I can manage at this point. I would say start by walking to work. Plot out the bus stops and if you get tired, get on and ride the rest of the way. Coming home, either walk a bit to a further stop or get off a stop or two early. If you prefer, take the subway but get off a stop or two early. Eventually, you will be able to walk the entire way. I am not a big believer in meditation or guided thinking but some people swear by it.
I didn’t give my kids chores and regret it highly now. I would start with tidying up their rooms. I don’t hold great stock in making the bed, but it might be good as a routine. They can pick up and put away their own laundry. By 12, they can do their own laundry with supervision at first. If you don’t have a machine in your apartment, take them to the laundry room. When I was 12, one of my chores was the entire family’s laundry, which was done in the basement laundry room. One thing I did do with my kids was to take one or two of them shopping (my oldest, now 27, is Aspie-lite) and let them have a say in what we bought, within reason. I taught them to read the labels and to figure out the costs. H does the cooking and we would let them help. I should have had them do the dishwasher, too.
As for your mom, let it go. Nothing anyone can do now can change the situation. H’s dad died over 30 years ago of alcoholism related issues. I knew him then and understand what the disease can do to a family. If your dad has been a good grandfather, I would try to keep in your life for your sons’ sake. If this woman he is now seeing is not someone he was involved with while your mom was alive, give her a chance. If he cheated on your mom, with her, I agree to never see her or let her in your life. Perhaps you can meet her for a coffee alone and decide if you like her before bringing her around your kids. At the very least, you can show your dad that you are making a gracious effort to get to know his new friend.
As to therapy, I am not a big fan. I have done it a couple of times and found it a waste of time overall for me. However, perhaps a short course of targeted therapy to deal with a specific issue (like your mom’s death) would be useful.
People in general are more likely to stick with a form of exercise if it’s pleasurable. Gyms are great for exercising but most people quit going after a short burst of motivation. If you enjoy walking I’d try that. If you find yoga pleasurable go for it, although yoga is really more about strength and flexibility than burning calories. If you do join a gym you may want to join one that allows you to back out of your contract and/or one that focusses on women, not the “I can bench press 280” type.
One way to increase the chances of sticking with an exercise is to make it social. Do you have a friend who’d join a gym with you or who’d like to walk with you? I take my dog out every day and I like to do it at the local park because there’s a group of us who tend to walk together. I didn’t know any of them before, but now because we all chat as we walk we’ve become friends and I can walk for hours and not notice the time. It’s only when I get home that I discover how tired I am. Walking also gets you out every day and I find I’m much happier and healthier when I’ve had some time outdoors.
Another way to distract yourself is a good podcast or books on tape. You can easily download these to your phone.
As to your emotions, walking alone can be great therapy. It allows you the time and space to think and process your feelings. When I was undergoing cancer treatment after being misdiagnosed I found walking and running to be very therapeutic. I had a lot of imaginary conversations in my head. “You can’t even read a mammogram? That’s your job idiot!” I knew I’d never have a chance to have these conversations in person but like writing a journal these “conversations” let me vent and made me feel better.
I personally cannot imagine myself at the gym. Walking works if you do it consistently, and it’s important to watch what you eat. Walking also helps to relax and have a “quality time with yourself”.
It does sound like you’d benefit from therapy.If you’re reluctant, I would consider a therapy group - you get to vent in a supportive environment and also help other people; cheaper too. It sounds like it’s your father you want less in your life, not his girlfriend. Nothing wrong with this.
You kids are at the age where they might start looking for extracurriculars they’ll be later passionate about. My son tried quite a few different sports until he found one he loves. Otherwise I think you’re doing everything right. Just taking it easy as a family might be exactly what you need now.
Hugs to you. It’ll get better soon.
Therapist - this will be an overall help to all areas of your life where you seek balance. It will be the “cry” to your yoga, the sweat to your exercise, the release for the issues with your parents.
Exercise - start with something you know you already will like or think you can like. Walking once a week for an hour isn’t going to do the trick. Walking for 15-20 mins everyday would be a great emotional release and just good for “you” time. It’s light longer now - can you excuse yourself in the evening while it’s light for a short walk?
More on exercise - you seem to be one who looks for “the helpers” - I think you should engage a nutritionist/trainer. Someone who can help get you on track for both nutrition and exercise and slowly build a lifelong plan for you.
Kudos to your H for offering to take care of a morning. That seems like a step in the parenting game for him. So, maybe that morning could include a short walk AND an appt with a therapist or nutritionist/trainer?!
Everybody is different - I love the gym. Women lose weight as they grow older, so it’s important to do some weight lifting. I am in a small class of women who are very encouraging. I try to make it to the gym three days a week and I run at least one mile on the treadmill every day. The combination of the two activities is working great - I’m losing weight and feeling much better, physically and emotionally.
If you do opt for a gym, you usually can ‘try out’ a gym before signing up. Gyms can ‘feel’ different. The one I go to is an all-female gym (no guys allowed). It has a circuit - you simply work on the machines and recovery boards three times each and you are done. It takes about 45 min and I have found that this works well for me. Since there are only women there, the camaraderie is pleasant. It is also a 3 min drive from my house and this also helps me to get there regularly. My husband on the other hand, exercises at home or he will just go for a long walk in the morning. And this works well for him. My point is that you need to figure out what will work best for you.
If you aren’t ready for a therapist, have you read any materials geared for children of alcoholics? Al-anon should have some good materials to read. I think you realize that you have some issues to work through regarding your mom which is very common as the child of an alcoholic.
Here’s another option, don’t know why I didn’t think of it for the walking. I don’t like going to gyms because I’m too lazy. We have a nice treadmill and weights at home. I like to just throw my cruddy clothes on and do that. It’s so easy not spending the time going somewhere, especially in the winter. On nice days I just walk outside. I always throw in weight training, sometimes just using my own resistance without weights. So, my thought is why don’t you buy a treadmill?
My two cents. OP needs and will benefit from the experience of getting out of the house, “alone” time that is just for herself (not work or family) and fulfilling. H too will benefit from being home with the boys sans Mom and Mom.
Plus initially, scheduled time and commitment (meeting with an instructor, paying for a class, etc.) may make you more accountable.
And I am in full support of non-cruddy clothes for exercising! The right clothe/shoes make you have better performance, make you feel more worthy of looking the part of “fitness is good and important for me” - and can be had for a budget price at Target, TJ, etc.
Well, I have to disagree. I don’t need to look put together when I go exercise in the basement. It does not make me work harder or feel any better. Nor do I want to spend money other than a good pair of athletic shoes. I’d rather spend it on equipment, ie, bands, weights, etc.
However, I also belong to a gym. When I go for exercise classes, I do like to have more appropriate, nice workout wear.
DH is taking care of the kids in the morning. I don’t know how much time she has, where gym facilities are, etc.
I honestly don’t think there is a “right” way.,.what works for each individual person to just do it.
From being out of shape to walking an hour to work is a great leap. I would start by walking 15-20 minutes and then take a bus or subway to work. I am the type who would be too lazy to go to the gym faithfully so walking to work is the least resistance part for me.
I agree with posters who suggest to see a therapist or let it go with your Dad. We can never change the past but it’s important to have a happy future and that includes having good relations with people around you, including your Dad.
Therapy! Keep knocking on doors until you find someone skilled and who is a good fit. I’ve been going once every two weeks and it is immensely helpful.
I like to walk. I have a dog and he keeps me company as we walk all over the neighborhood & beyond. Being outside, year-round, clears my head. I like to notice the trees and other plants, birds, what kind of mood the lake is in. I like to listen to podcasts or audiobooks. Sometimes music, but not that often.
Another vote for the walk to work. I had never been an exerciser, but took up walking when the CPW subway line was out of service for weeks on end. (This was the late 80s’s–it may have been out for months.) I started by walking the 25 blocks down to Columbus Circle, but then discovered that I liked walking and I was losing weight, so once I built up stamina, started walking the six mile loop in CP. As others have posted above, you may not want to start with a one hour walk, but you can build up to it and will find that as you become faster, it isn’t even a one hour walk. This is a perfect time to start because it isn’t all hot and humid yet.
Could you start out walking a mile during both the morning and evening commutes?
I was always able to find reasons to not get to the gym, but you kind of have to get to & from work, so walking worked for me. Best of luck!