Now is the time for your kids to begin thinking of themselves as members of a community, rather than as individuals building up their skill sets for the future. So give them chores, regular chores. Kid gripes about washing a plate that someone else left in the sink? "Yes, we're all on the same team here, so we do things like this for one another." You don't feel like schlepping your kids to multiple practices, lessons and playdates every week? Limit them to a few. Why? Because YOU need down time, too, and they get to help give it to you.
I've been a regular exerciser my entire life. You have to teach your body to crave it, and you do this by picking something that doesn't suck. If you hate running, don't start that. For me, the enemy is group exercise classes. You may have to try multiple things before you find a good one. But if you're not a person who loves to work out, get an accountability partner. Sign up for a class or just to walk together. You'll be more motivated if you think your friend will feel let down if you don't show up. And start small. Committing to a mile long walk with a friend is way easier to add onto than telling yourself you'll walk an hour to work. That is just not going to happen.
Therapy, specifically a newer type called Internal Family Systems (IFS.) It sounds hokey, but it's like group therapy for all of your parts and it's highly effective. You also learn techniques to use on yourself. I grew up in a violent home, and have been in and out of therapy for decades, and this is the most effective thing I've tried.
You didn’t ask for this last bit, but these three big areas are a lot to take on. Be merciful to yourself if one or all of them don’t work out so well at first. Changes are the result of consistent habits, not radical shifts in behavior.
Oh, and I wanted to chime in on the exercise clothes thing. I think it really depends on what motivates you. I like running, swimming and doing weights, so I need no motivating clothes to wear to these things. My work-out stuff is mostly comfortable stuff, and some of it’s pretty old. But when I started a pickleball class this past winter, I knew I was a klutz, so I did go and buy a new workout shirt and fleece jacket so that I wouldn’t look as incompetent as I felt.
Not a fan of therapy nor of spending the money it costs, except maybe if someone were in a crisis. The few I’ve ever met in other settings were usually pretty messed up. One was trying to help other people in an area in which I happened to know that he wasn’t free at all.
I would say just TALK to your dad. Tell him how you feel. Clear the air. Tell him you have mixed feelings about a new woman, just like you told us. He can understand that. Tell him you’re angry and wish he could have done more. He may tell you things you have never known that might give you a different perspective.
You’re getting good advice, I’ll just add that you’ve been dealing with a lot. (Though it sounds like you also have a very supportive husband!) Be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal/regroup/take care of yourself. Wishing you the best.
I haven’t read all the responses, so sorry if I’m duplicating. One important piece of advice is when you relinquish mornings to your husband, you need to be happy and let him do things HIS way. I suggest you leave the house so you are not tempted to get involved. It will be fine if things aren’t perfect. Don’t make negative comment or complain about what he’s doing wrong. Appreciate that he’s trying. (Even if your tongue is bleeding from biting it so much).
My kids are in their 20s now. We didn’t give them many chores, so now they don’t do much. Who’s fault is that? I suggest some simple chores.
I would definitely get counseling, or start writing down your thoughts, reading self help books, or something to help yourself.
I would start by walking, NOW, and you can think about whether you want to join a gym or something in addition to or instead of that once you’ve gotten yourself moving. Something is better than nothing.
Regarding your dad, consider not taking a stand, but just letting him know you are considering his request, and you are not quite comfortable with it. Give him a little, but don’t make it a package deal that requires they both show up all the time.
Good luck with all this. The kids will get older, and things will become easier before too long.
One more comment. Whatever your issues with your father, you are now middle aged and should resolve them thru therapy if necessary. Don’t let your issues deprive your kids of interaction with their grandfather, who won’t be around forever. My kids had lost all 4 grandparents by your kids ages, and they, and I, feel that loss.
I am the one who suggested meeting your dad’s new gf for coffee to get to know her. I agree with the poster upthread who said you should talk with your dad, perhaps with a neutral friend or relative. I think that it’s a great point that your dad may have a different perspective. As a child, you may not really have been aware of the adult dynamic and as an adult living away from the parental home with your family, you may not know what your dad really did or didn’t do. There comes a time when you should move on, if staying stuck is bothering you and it seems to be.
I also have not done more than scan the responses, but I vote for walking to work.
Walking has the benefit of – seems useful because it gets you somewhere – doesn’t have any fees like a gym – you don’t compare yourself to fellow exercisers – you can take it at your own pace.
I’ve made it a point to walk at least an hour a day for the past about 15 years – and you can listen to podcasts which is interesting and makes the walking easier.
I have a couple of suggestions-
Exercise- think about what works for you. Are you the sort of person who will get up and walk into a gym and exercise? Would a class work better for you. My youngest needed to lose weight and felt as much as she knew what to do in the gym she was not going to be able to get herself to do it while she was in poor shape. She found a women’s only gym where you make the commitment to a class five mornings a week. She goes 5 days a week at 6 am. I’m beyond in awe. She found a supportive environment and the women are all ages and fitness levels and they support each other. I belong to a gym and I like classes again because you develop camaraderie with your classmates.
I also take a Nia dance class. I find that it’s exercise but it’s also therapeutic. I’ll share a story from last week. Before class a young woman was teary eyed and I asked if I could do something for her. She said no I’m bipolar and I’m just a bit sad but I’ll feel better after class. For her Nia class was a form of therapy.
Regarding your relationships with your Mom and Dad. I would suggest you look into finding an AlAnon meeting. Even though your Mom is gone it can be helpful. Each meeting has a different feel and I suggest trying a few different ones to see if you find one that speaks to you. My grandfather was a mean alcoholic and it had a profound effect on my mother. Only after finding al anon I realize my Mom did the best she could with the skills she had. It helped my look at my parenting and also my relationships with others in my life.
Chores- I wish I had made my children do chores.
I also 2nd or third what has been said about letting your H do the morning his way.
Lastly don’t discount taking care of yourself. It is not selfish and you will be a better wife, mother, and worker.
Wow—you have lots going in your life. I wouldn’t try to tackle more than one or two items on that list. Exercise is only a small part of losing weight. Controlling your food intake is more important. I would work on diet/food choices rather than joining a gym. Find a diet that you can follow for a lifetime–not just for a short time period.You might want to work with a nutritionist to find a diet that works for you.
If you want to build exercise into your routine, then walk to work and try to move throughout the day—get a Fitbit or something similar where you can track your movement. Get up 10 minutes earlier than you usually do and see if you can work in 10 minutes of meditation. It’s a great way to start your day. There are many meditation apps. that you can use with your mobile device.
I returned to this thread to mention a FitBit and see that @Bromfield2 suggested the same. It may motivate you to walk the extra steps or walk 20 blocks instead of taking the subway a couple of stops. Best of luck!
If a FitBit seems like a hurdle, you can use an iPhone to track steps.
I also use MyFitnessPal to track food & calories. The database has a LOT of info. Who knew “Sour Patch Bunnies” would be in the database?! Well, they are, and darn it, those calories add up!
@Aspieration Report back after you’ve made that therapist appointment! ==nudge==
I’d like to recommend something that has been very helpful to me (though may sound a bit woo woo) called the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program. It’s an 8 week course that teaches mindfulness, body awareness and yoga (sometimes other gentle exercises) to help deal with stress and other difficulties in life. The friendships made and skills learned have helped me far more than any therapy has (and I’m a pro at therapy).
I will ask S1 and S2 what they think are appropriate. Should these be “just chores” or should they come with an allowance?
HEALTH (physical)
I’m going to start walking to work unless I gave a good reason not to (e.g. kid-duty).
EATING yes I’m very bad at ‘grabbing whatever’ and WORSE: kid leftovers (hello pizza crusts). My favorite food in the world happens to be both very healthy and highly transportable. Edamame in the shell (with salt). I need to make a habit of preparing that and bringing it to work. Barring that, there are a few fantastic salad places nearby too (SweetGreens) rather than my usual bagel-and-lox workday meal choice. I can see where these two lifestyle changes get me. Have scale. Will use.
HEALTH (mental)
I’m going to think about therapy strategy. Immediately after my mother died I couldn’t get thru the day without crying, and at work this was difficult. S1 was also getting kicked out of school #2 (of 3) so I needed a place to go and stabilize and strategize. I chose a therapist who mainly sees SN kids. I decided I needed to talk to someone who ‘got’ what I was dealing with on that front. I saw him for a year then he went on paternity leave and we never re-established appointments.
I’d like to look for someone with experience working with families with a kid on the spectrum (or similar SN). It is really the main stressor in my life and so having to explain the challenges does not appeal.
OR perhaps I should try a group of SN parents? Our local Jewish Community Center hosts one like this.
I’m feeling GOOD because now I feel like I’m making progress.
Might I suggest not over-thinking the therapy strategy? A good therapist will ask you good questions, and solutions will emerge – whether or not they specialize in SN kids.
Pick someone! Go. If it’s not a fit, pick someone else.
I vote against the group of SN parents, just setting that option to the side for now. You, as a person, are more than a parent, but I understand how consuming it is, at this stage in your life, and with the extra challenges that come SNs.
@trueofheart, I am also in SoCal. If you don’t mind me asking, where do you do the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program? This sounds like something that would be very helpful to me.
And @Aspieration, I have been following your story since you first started posting and I want to just say how much I admire you and everything you have done to help and advocate for your Aspie son. It sounds like he’s doing so much better in the right school placement with the right support. I have a very bright 19 yo ASD daughter so I can relate to many of your struggles, although she was able to stay in our local public school system. She is now a sophomore in college and is doing very well (and I still remember when I thought she would never be able to go to a regular kindergarten)! I hope that you will be able to find something that will help you, whether it’s therapy or exercise or really anything that’s just for you. For me, one of the things that has recently helped the most was joining a community women’s chorus in my area. Singing makes me happy and the cameraderie has been invaluable. It’s worked better for me than any therapy I’ve tried so far.
@Mom2jl I very much appreciate your comments and your empathy. That is wonderful that your daughter is thriving in college! May I ask what elements do you think most contributed to her success? One thing I struggle with is how much effort to put into helping S1s achieve the dreams and goals that he has for himself which are unrealistic (eg aerospace engineering) vs nurturing his natural talents and strengths (drawing and creative writing) that could lead to a career. For example S1 wants to learn Japanese. H is Hispanic and a native Spanish speaker. So I ask S1 why not Spanish? Nope. S1 wants to learning Japanese. I’m not sure how to approach… it’s way, way to hard.
@Mom2jl I very much appreciate your comments and your empathy. That is wonderful that your daughter is thriving in college! May I ask what elements do you think most contributed to her success? One thing I struggle with is how much effort to put into helping S1s achieve the dreams and goals that he has for himself which are unrealistic (eg aerospace engineering) vs nurturing his natural talents and strengths (drawing and creative writing) that could lead to a career. For example S1 wants to learn Japanese. H is Hispanic and a native Spanish speaker. So I ask S1 why not Spanish? Nope. S1 wants to learning Japanese. I’m not sure how to approach… it’s way, way to hard.
@Mom2jl I very much appreciate your comments and your empathy. That is wonderful that your daughter is thriving in college! May I ask what elements do you think most contributed to her success? One thing I struggle with is how much effort to put into helping S1s achieve the dreams and goals that he has for himself which are unrealistic (eg aerospace engineering) vs nurturing his natural talents and strengths (drawing and creative writing) that could lead to a career. For example S1 wants to learn Japanese. H is Hispanic and a native Spanish speaker. So I ask S1 why not Spanish? Nope. S1 wants to learning Japanese. I’m not sure how to approach… it’s way, way to hard.