As a mom of 5, I have to caution you on the asking the kids what chores they think are fair. I suggest that you give the kids a list of chores that are acceptable to you and H and make them choose one or two to start with or that you pick one that is very important to you, like the dishwasher or making the beds. If I had asked any of my kids what chores they thought were fair, each and every one of them would have said none!
With Aspie kids (like my oldest), a chore chart or list worked well. He liked to see the completed tasks checked off.
@Mom2jl, I am in San Diego. They have classes nearby at UCSD through the Center for Mindfulness and at Scripps Integrative Health (that’s the course I did because I was a nurse at Scripps at the time but UCSD has far more options). If you are near LA I’m sure UCLA offers classes as well. Hope you find one that works, I can’t recommend it enough!
“I will ask S1 and S2 what they think are appropriate. Should these be “just chores” or should they come with an allowance?”
YOU pick the chores, not them. You’re the boss in the home. In working life, we don’t get to pick out the tasks we wish to complete.
I don’t believe in tying allowance to chores. Everyone should contribute to the running of the household because you are a family unit and families chip in and help each other. At a certain age, if you want to give them allowance for incidentals so they can learn the value of money and how to budget, the difference between wants and needs, I think it is a good learning exercise but I don’t believe it should be tied to chores. With allowance, it’s also a good time to encourage saving not just spending (along with tithing if you are religious and that is important to you or donating).
I agree not tying allowances to chores. There will be many things from here on out you might or will need their help with, that are not part of the normal chores. They will expect money, instead of just learning to help their mom and Dad out. Bad path to go down.
I also wouldn’t let them pick their chores. At 12 or 13, mine were doing their laundry. That came about because DS1 was wearing a shirt once and throwing it in the hamper. He was too lazy to hang it up.
Duolingo is a free online learning app for languages. Your son can start with that and if the interest doesn’t wane, you can pursue other language learning options down the road.
It amuses me how Japanese, often due to Manga, has become a bit of an Aspie thing, at least here in my area. Both the young women I know are quite proficient in their 20s. Duolingo is good. If the two of you are ready for this step, Concordia Language Villages in Minnesota has a Japanese immersion camp. Their health care staff would work with you on his needs though they also have bottom lines rules for campers.
Regardless, you should know that Japanese has two phonetic alphabets plus Kanji, which are Chinese origin characters. My sister in law recommends that kids learn katakana first (hirigana is for domestic words), which is the alphabet for foreign borrowed words, and then they can read signs and advertising. There are all sorts of online resources.
@Aspieration, when my daughter was your son’s age, her dream was to be a ballerina when she grew up. This was not a realistic goal for her because she was (and still isn’t) very coordinated, but she loved all things ballet. So I signed her up for ballet classes, which she took for several years until she decided at age 13 that she no longer wanted to do it. What was always obvious from a young age was that she was incredibly talented in math, so we also encouraged and supported that interest. Now she’s a math major, to the surprise of no one. I think it’s important to support whatever your child’s interests are when they’re young, so if your son wants to learn Japanese, I think that’s fine. Duolingo is a pretty good program to start with. And you said that he’s good at drawing, so he may really enjoy learning and writing the different characters. I think sometimes, for all kids (not just Aspies), it’s good to support their dreams as much as you can when they’re young. They’ll figure it out themselves as they get older (hopefully) if it’s unrealistic or not.
Also, you had asked what I think contributed most to my daughter’s success. That’s really a hard question to answer, because it’s probably a combination of things. Mostly, when she was younger we used the Floortime method to engage and play with her. That method is really all about following your child’s lead, so as she got older I kept thinking to myself, “follow her lead” whenever she talked about what she wanted to do in the future. When she wanted to go to our regular middle school with 1400 students, I wasn’t sure she could handle it, but I followed her lead and made sure she had the support she needed to go there. And guess what? She had a great two years there and absolutely loved it. So when she wanted to go to our even huger high school, I trusted her and didn’t try to encourage her to go to the smaller magnet high school that my older son had chosen to go to. She was also successful there, at least academically, although not necessarily socially. So when she said she wanted to go to a huge university, I supported her in that too. Probably the main thing that has contributed to her success is her incredible determination and perseverance. In saying all of this, I don’t want to give the impression that it was/is an easy thing for her or for any of us. There have been many struggles along the way, which continue. While she loves college and does very well academically, she is quite socially isolated. This doesn’t bother her as much as it does me, but she does suffer from both depression and anxiety so I worry about her. Thankfully, because UCLA is not far from where we live, she can come home on weekends if she needs some decompression time.
Going back to your first post, I am wondering why you say you “want nothing to do with” the “lovely woman” (your description) who is your dad’s serious girlfriend? (Maybe I missed something? ) You’re happy that he’s happy–so why give the lovely girlfriend the cold shoulder? Slowly warm up to her. Be cordial. Good things could come from her relationship with your dad, you, and your kids. I understand that you’re still trying to resolve your feelings about your mom/dad, their relationship, grief, your mom’s alcoholism, etc., but it seems unreasonable to let all that (the past ) get in the way of something positive for today and the future.
