<p>I just turned 20, and long time ago, I realized nothing, with the current scientific technology, can change one’s sexual orientation. So I gave up wanting and trying to be straight, and just accepted myself. But the sad part is, my family is keep insisting on me to act masculine, make a girlfriend, play sports, etc. when I’m just being myself (being feminine, not interested in girls at all but only boys, being indifferent of sports,…) I haven’t come out, and I will never do that, because I’m well aware of the consequences that come with it. I’m especially scared of people who think gays are “gross” and “disgusting” and treat them accordingly. How should you live this world if you’re a gay? Life is hard, but I think it is even harder for gays like me. How unfortunate that I was born like this by some unlucky chance. Wow, I’m feeling really sad.
I just wish I was born like most people (heterosexuals), so that I could live naturally, be myself and express myself freely without any fear.</p>
<p>As the mother of a gay son, I can only start to comprehend what you must be feeling. However, given what you have written so far I would suggest you first accept that you were born like this and there is nothing you can do to change it according to the mental health world’s consensus regarding homosexuality.</p>
<p>There are challenges that come with everything and everyone. There are challenges for being African-American, White, Hispanic, Asian, for being a male or a female-- it does not simply extend to homosexuality. And you are in many ways lucky to have been born in such a transcendental time for homosexuals; plenty would have wished to have the resources now available to young gays and lesbians twenty years ago.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you first begin by accepting who you are and not feeling ashamed of this before you start thinking of the bigger issues. I know you’ve said you already accepted it, but it doesn’t seem you truly understand what that means. You need to realize it isn’t your fault and it’s not something bad, and understand why it is that the aforementioned things are true.</p>
<p>You should probably speak to a counselor which can be found at your college, or join a support group for gays and lesbians. I suspect you will find much more help there than is available here. </p>
<p>Best of luck to you, and though there will always be prejudicial and ignorant people in the world, I can assure you that our society’s progressing and that you will find a plethora of persons and communities willing to support and love you unconditionally.</p>
<p>Like SunDiegoMom said, you should find some sort of support group and accept who you are instead of fighting. There are a lot of idiots out there who are full of hate, intolerance, and ignorance, but you shouldn’t mind what they say. Yes, your life may be harder because you’re gay, but life’s what you make of it. I think you’ll be happier if you just accept that you are gay and take the necessary steps to make yourself happy. If you’re not ready to come out, then don’t, but don’t let yourself feel ashamed or be miserable. Be yourself and know that you’re not gross or disgusting no matter what someone else says. They are the disgusting ones.</p>
<p>bkiersted, you can count me in as a person who would accept you just the way you are. I am so sorry that you feel that you can’t come out and be yourself without fear. I’ll bet that you could find people who would treat you right, and I sure hope that you do find them soon.</p>
<p>20 is a tough age as it is. </p>
<p>Most of my gay friends are much older, happy, and settled into their skin. Several are raising families, just like the rest of us. I don’t have any advice on how to feel more comfortable with who you are, but as time goes on, you should be able to sort out your feelings and enjoy all that you have going for you.</p>
<p>You might want to think at some point about living in an area where it is very normal to be gay. Where I live (in the suburbs near Palo Alto), that is the case. Gay students in my kids’ high school feel comfortable bringing a date to a school dance. My mom (in her 70’s) has lots of gay friends in her various bridge groups, including a male couple who just had their first child. In any job I’ve had or school I’ve gone to or parent community I’ve been part of, I never thought about who was gay and who was straight, since there are always some of each. It seems very ordinary to me. It sounds like a tough time for you, especially since you don’t feel you can be open with your family yet. But it will be possible for you to live very naturally just as you are.</p>
<p>I second Calreader’s suggestion. Here in New York, no one thinks twice if you’re gay.</p>
<p>I think it would help if you could find some role models, gay men in their 30’s and 40’s who have successful careers, many friends, and happy home lives.</p>
<p>There are definitely places where you could, as you say, “live naturally, be myself and express myself freely without any fear.” New York and San Francisco of course, but any large city east of the Mississippi and north of the Bible Belt will have a reasonably large, “out” gay population, even here in the Midwest with me (Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland).</p>
<p>If your college does not have a gay-friendly counselling service, you could get moral support from the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual group at a college nearby. (I am thinking maybe you are at a college that is not gay-friendly.)</p>
<p>If you are at a religious college, there may be no “out” gays on campus, but if you are at a smaller college or a commuter college and haven’t found the gay crowd, you are likely to find gays and gay-friendly people in the theater department.</p>
<p>My brother-in-law recounted almost identical feelings and experiences from junior high school through high school. Growing up in the south with family who could not accept him, he chose to attend college in California. Life turned quickly for him because he could be himself and live openly with a community of gay and straight friends. I do not know if college in a different local is an option. You also seem (understandibly so) very depressed-please consider finding a counselor through student health services or one of the protestant churches ( Episcopal) that support gay individuals. </p>
<p>Know that you are a wonderful person-hopefully someone can help your parents open their hearts and minds some more.</p>
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<p>Even in the South/Bible Belt, many cities will have an area with a large, out, LGBT* population. To take the ones I lived in…in Atlanta it’s Little Five Points, in Louisville it’s the Highlands.</p>
<p>I agree with the earlier suggestions about finding out if your school has an LGBT counseling service. Many do, and such services are generally confidential.</p>
<p>You should also check for LGBT student groups at your college. If you’re worried about people finding out about your involvement with them, you could try just emailing them to see what they say.</p>
<p>If none of these options exist, you could look at another local college, or see if the town you’re in has an LGBT resource center.</p>
<p>*If you’re not familiar with this acronym, LGBT = lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Some people expand it to LGBTQ, where Q = questioning.</p>
<p>I hope very much that as you get older, you will be able to live comfortably and happily, accepting yourself and not trying to hide or disguise anything about yourself. As others have been saying, there are many communities where this is possible. My children have had openly gay and lesbian teachers since nursery school, openly gay and lesbian friends since middle school or early high school when students started coming out, and classmates with parents who are gay and lesbian. There are gay men and lesbians in leadership roles in our religious community, and in my husband’s and my professional communities. And the sexual orientation of these many gay and lesbian individuals in our lives is not the first, or the second, or the third thing that comes to mind when we think of them. </p>
<p>I am not suggesting that gay men and lesbians do not encounter some prejudice and hardship, but in many communities, we are working on that and getting past it. I am so sorry that you don’t feel that your family can accept you as you are right now; but please know that there are many, many communities where you can be yourself, be fully who you are, find a life partner, in some places marry, raise a family, have a career in a field that truly interests you, and have a really good and satisfying life just as you are.</p>
<p>Do you live in the US, and if so, where? Are you in college, and if so, where?</p>
<p>You sound very depressed and morose. You can certainly be openly gay in the US today–even in the south, though of course you’ll probably find more acceptance in metro areas. Yes, some people will make jokes or disrespect you or try to hurt you, but if you’re confident in yourself, you can stop letting these people’s thought affect you in such a negative manner. You can be an out, happy, healthy, confident, comfortable, productive gay man. Or you can be scared, depressed, and lonely. You need to take charge of your life. Can you move to an area with a larger LGBT population? Can you seek out counseling or an older, gay mentor? Are there LGBT social or support groups in your area? What else can you do? You’re an adult, and your family is no longer in charge of you or your actions. Be your own person. Once you feel comfortable with your sexual orientation and confident in yourself, you will be able to come out to your parents and feel good about it. They may not be accepting right away; they may never be fully accepting. But at some point you will want to come out to them, and you’ll feel OK with their reaction. You may be disappointed, hurt, or offended, but you will be able to look at the situation with a wider eye, and you will be able to keep your self-confidence even if you’re facing a measure of rejection. With time most parents come around, and though they may never completely understand, they will likely find a way to accept you as you are. </p>
<p>Life is hard for everybody. Everyone has their challenges. The difference is the way people cope with their problems, react to setbacks, and take charge of their lives.</p>
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<p>OP, please do not be ashamed of who you are. At this age, as college graduation approaches, you are probably dealing with many other issues, and that contributes to your emotional turmoil. I agree with the posters who suggested moving to places where you will find much less prejudice. I’d add Seattle to your list, and on top of being gay-friendly, it is a great place to live.</p>
<p>You can’t choose who you are or your family. As an adult you can choose your friends and where you live. UW-Madison’s very recent choice for Chancellor is an openly gay woman, news articles have emphasized she will do the job for the whole U, not for gay issues. Get counseling, join a support group (remember, most churches are really support groups of like minded people, no matter how other members of society view their beliefs- everyone needs acceptance). It is hard to be different, no matter what that difference is. Do move to a place with your like minded people, you deserve to enjoy your life. When it comes to the whole marriage/family/kids bit realize there are plenty of straight people who choose not to go that route, or want it but can’t have it so your sexual orientation isn’t the only reason to not be part of the traditional family as an adult. There are plenty of families whose adult members don’t associate with each other for many other reasons- you can have a good life without relatives you disagree with. HGTV has several house shows, many of the owners are openly gay couples- this shows how far our society has come in accepting gay couples, conservative America is being exposed to alternative lifestyles as a normal way of life.</p>
<p>PS, you sound lonely, just like many straight people of your age, find a group of like minded friends.</p>
<p>Oh, in regards to my last post, I guess I should mention that I’m a lesbian. And that I’m happy, and I have many friends (mostly straight), and I have a girlfriend, and my parents reacted badly when I came out–but they’re getting better, one little step at a time.</p>
<p>I think it does depend on your area.
In some areas, you could be a total drama queen & be straight!
In others it would assumed you are gay.
While some cliches have a minor factual basis - they aren’t applied across the board.
I can think of some very macho athletes who are homosexual for instance.</p>
<p>Things aren’t usually black and white though, Im wondering if there are other things that you are unhappy about, and that this is simply the one that is getting the most attention.</p>
<p>If you can find yourself a supportive community, where you don’t feel so isolated, that could go a long way towards making progress to the other things you should be concerned about, like finishing your education. :)</p>
<p>I find reading how other people have dealt with things to be very inspirational.
[Olympian</a> remembers when medals didn’t help :: News :: Post-Tribune](<a href=“http://www.post-trib.com/news/978543,louganis.article]Olympian”>http://www.post-trib.com/news/978543,louganis.article)</p>
<p>Having a supportive group of friends can help in your situation. If you’re not comfortable coming out to your family, a support group can be immensely comforting and helpful. One such group with which I’m very familiar is Youth Guardian Services, which has been in existence for many years and has assisted countless numbers of young men and women who are experiencing what you are. I’ve recommended them many times and have always had good feedback. You can talk to people who have been where you are now and get guidance, support and assistance. It’s a great group with a wonderful board of directors (I know several of them personally) who are caring, generous, and kind.</p>
<p>[Youth</a> Guardian Services](<a href=“http://www.youth-guard.org/]Youth”>http://www.youth-guard.org/)</p>
<p>There are many supportive people out there and you just need to connect with them. 
There is nothing wrong or shameful about being gay. You can lead a happy and productive life just like anyone else, with the opportunities for a committed relationship, a family, a job you love, and a circle of friends. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>OP, from your other posts it sounds like you might be premed. I hope you see practicing medicine and being gay as compatible states of being. Medicine needs all kinds of people, just as there are all kinds of people in the world. I hope you make peace with yourself soon. You sound like someone who has a lot to offer. Best wishes.</p>
<p>OP - while things aren’t totally “perfect” for the GLBT community, the conditions nowadays are much better than even just 10 yrs ago.</p>
<p>Maybe your family or local community may have issues w/ your sexual orientation, but there are many places in the US which (generally) don’t.</p>
<p>In particular, the younger generation is much more open about these things.</p>
<p>And oh, btw, acting “masculine” or “feminine” doesn’t have a direct correlation to sexuality.</p>
<p>There are plenty of macho gays and hetero transvestites.</p>
<p>I think that you should study the Bible, and repent!</p>
<p>Just kidding. Seriously, it breaks my heart to read a post like yours - in 2008!!! Trust me on something - there is a whole world out there that you are not aware of. You future will be ANYTHING but sad!</p>
<p>“I realized nothing, with the current scientific technology, can change one’s sexual orientation.“</p>
<p>I hope that someday you will accept, no matter what anyone else says or believes, that God doesn’t make mistakes. I also hope that someday you will be so happy as a gay person that you might just feel sorry sometime for those who are not! I’m a straight woman, but I know a lot of gay people, and they seem to be having pretty fantastic lives. I know – there is lots of complexity and discrimination. However, you can still be who you are and soar through a grand existence.</p>
<p>“My family is keep insisting on me to act masculine, make a girlfriend, play sports, etc. when I’m just being myself (being feminine, not interested in girls at all but only boys, being indifferent of sports,…) “</p>
<p>Someday, while you will always care about your family and try to do what you can for them, you will no longer feel inclined to be someone you are not on their behalf. Your life is a blessing, and you deserve to live yours authentically and to the fullest (just as they have had the opportunity to do with their lives).</p>
<p>“I haven’t come out, and I will never do that, because I’m well aware of the consequences that come with it.”</p>
<p>There are also consequences to NOT coming out (and to many, those are more painful). The choice is yours, of course, but keep your mind open about it. You sound like a very kind, considerate, and thoughtful person, BTW. In the future, I hope you include yourself on the recipient list for all of your good intentions. One more thing…If you live in the right place, and surround yourself with the right people, and hold the right job, the consequences are of coming out (or of being a feminine male) are MUCH less. Perhaps someday you will grow so strong that you will break new ground for your community, and and push the world further in the right direction so that all places, people, and careers will be gay-friendly.</p>
<p>“I’m especially scared of people who think gays are “gross” and “disgusting” and treat them accordingly.”</p>
<p>We ALL should be scared of those people (particularly if they consider themselves spiritual or religious, because then they are hypocrites as well). They are the ones who are gross and disgusting.</p>
<p>“How should you live this world if you’re a gay?”</p>
<p>Find a way to view Rosie O’Donnell’s HBO special on the gay cruise for families. Watch it many times. In short, you should live just like anyone else. </p>
<p>“How unfortunate that I was born like this by some unlucky chance.”</p>
<p>Ouch – you’re killing me. Someday you will feel differently, and you should. You are a blessing, and your life is a miracle. You. Exactly as you are. You need to fight through and draw strength from others who have gone before you. Get out there and start meeting other gay people and find your community in order to get through the transition to adulthood. CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT. Find the places where you can breathe. Live only there until you are ready and inclined to break new ground.</p>