Life in a prep school.

French_Mum · May 1, 2009, 9:05am

Hi,

I am French, and as you might know, the Prep School system does not exist here, so I really do not know what I am entitled to expect from such a school.

I spare you the details of how it happened, but my older son, now 17, is in junior year in a bilingual prep school in Canada. He entered the school in the middle of the year of his 9th grade.

He has always been a very good student (B+ most of the time) till he went there, without working much it is true.

When he first arrived at the school, we could see through “his effort ratings”, that we get by email every two weeks that he was working.

But as soon as he fell comfortable in the school, his effort ratings went down, so did his average grade little by little, and I have now a C+ student in junior year.

We only get his grade average, and teacher comments at mid term or full term.

He goes in course often unprepared, they say on his last report, gives back his assignment late, does not read the books he is supposed to, and so forth.
I do grant you that he does not deserve more than the grade he is getting.

He loves his school though; he is having the best time of his life there. So much fun!!!

He does not drink nor smoke and is a well-behaved kid.
He is LAZY and also probably very immature for his age.

He is coming from the French Educational system, and the grading system is quite different there: If you get 70% there, you are a B Student, 75% a B+ student, above 80 % an A Sudent. Almost no kids ever get 90% or above in France.
In France also, all the high school kids go through a final state exam, called the Baccalaureat, the options are limited, and the core courses automatically include what university want a kid to have. So, you really cannot take the easy way out of it.
And thats what he has been used too, till he was 15.

In the mean time, it is costing us a mere $45,000 CaD + expenses every year, and his chance to attend a good enough university are decreasing all the time.

The kids do their home-works in their room. When visiting, I happened to drop in during prep.
Got in the building, without seeing anybody. Quiet corridors, doors half opened, but when I entered his room, he had two computer screens in front of him: One with MSN messenger, and the other one with the game World of Warcraft His room mate (very good student) was playing a game too. Left the building, without seing any adult at all.

Last November, his mid-term Maths average was 45%. We received it the evening before he arrived home for his week break. You can imagine how much fun we had during that week.

What I would like to know is:

As soon as he showed that he was in trouble in Math, shouldnt they have proposed a tutor instead of waiting mid-term and my request?
The school says that he had that kind of grade because he was not working, and not because he had difficulties of understanding, so he should not have a tutor.
But in that case, should not he be sanctioned for not giving back his assignments on time or coming in class unprepared? (In another way than getting bad grades, I mean)

Whatever, they said, I got him a tutor, by Christmas, his math grade went up.

Then I discovered, when he came home at Easter, that, on his own, he has stopped the tutoring, and nobody there, even noticed it. His math grade were not as bad as November, but were still below 60%

Is that how prep school functions?

Should not there be somebody checking over the kids shoulders during prep time to see if they are working or not?

Should not there be someone following his grade closely to make sure that he is moving in the right direction?

Isnt it a lot to ask from a 15 to 17 year old kid to find the will to do it all, on his own, without being pushed by the fear of something ??? (I know some do, and there are also top students in that school)

The only time he has been punished was when I was visiting the region, and I kept him with me for mother day weekend, and he had some obligations on that Sunday. He was then gated for a week. (He had to go to sign a book of presence every hour of each day in the Main building, and be in his dorm right after diner)

When I see his potential, and where he is now, it makes me sick.

I have tried to speak with the school about his laze, they listen, but nothing changes.
I try to push him from where I am, but as I do not have access to his grades, it is difficult to do it from so far away. (He has sometime very good grade, then very low ones). He only tells me about his good grades on the phone.

My American husband on the other hand, even though disappointed by now, by his academic results, thinks the social experience, and sport experience he is receiving there is more important than every thing else, and he loves the school.

After all, I am French, and may be, we do not think the same way.

Please let me know what you think.

Biohelpmom · May 1, 2009, 9:30am

Frencmun- that is sad. Can you ask the school to put him in “supervised study hall,” or cut his internet access during study hours?

Burb_Parent · May 1, 2009, 9:40am

World of Warcraft is very addictive. You might want to have his usage probed a little more.

creative1 · May 1, 2009, 9:41am

The school is giving you feedback that it is his lack of effort not lack of intelligence. Even if they put him in study hall, they can’t make him do the work.

In my opinion, the school is doing their job. Your job as a parent is to tell your son that you will not continue paying for his tuition unless he shows some effort.

cdnhockeymom · May 1, 2009, 9:58am

French Mum,
I am Canadian and familiar with the prep schools here. Which one is he going to? 
I know that when the students are in grade 9 and 10 they are closely supervised in regards to homework but by junior year, it is up to the student to discipline themselves in their homework time. It is because they need to prepare for going away to university where no one will care what they are doing period.
What do you mean regarding sanctioning? I know some of the schools here will put you on academic probation if your grades drop and you can not participate in school sports until they come up but that is not all schools.
Math in junior and senior year in Canada is much harder than usual. Many kids who do very well up to that point often fall off in junior year. In my son’s math class in junior year, they started with 25 students in September (who had all received over 75% in the lower grade) and only 10 finished, the rest were put down to a lower level. Do you know which level of math he is in as there is great difference in difficulty in the various classes.
Previous poster is right that World of Warcraft is HIGHLY addictive and you may want to look into taking it away until he improves his grades but that is up to you, not the school. By 17 the school expects him to have some self discipline in regards to effort.

French_Mum · May 1, 2009, 10:26am

He was not more supervised for home-works in grade 9 or 10 than he is now. And he kept himself out of “supervised study Hall” quite efficiently. They only send kids with D effort ratings in study Hall.

One perfect sanction could have been: no participation in sport for a week if you don’t hand your assignments on time.
If that had happened, knowing how he likes sports and how he does not like to be sanctioned, I am certain that all the next assignments would have been done in time.

I am also surprised that teachers accept to be handed assignments late.

He is following Maths 526, which is what French Kids study in Grade 10. So I do not see any reason why he could not do it in Grade 11.

I have told the School about World of Warcraft, he is not the only kid playing it in his dorm.
They cannot shut down the internet as the kids need it to study. They are not supposed to have access to World of Warcraft, but there is always a bright kid around who finds a way ( with proxy servers or something else) to allow full internet access.

How can I take it away from him ? I guess I could take away his credit card, but another kid with a credit card will pay for him.

We have also told him, that we’ll stop paying. But are we really going to do it ?

Periwinkle · May 1, 2009, 10:27am

I’ll add to the chorus that World of Warcraft is addictive. It’s international, too. Our European friends and relatives also have difficulty with teen boys and WoW.

World of Warcraft won’t go away. It is also a temptation for college students.

whynotmithoo · May 1, 2009, 10:35am

I have to add my voice to the evils of World of Warcraft. My son and many of his friends had to be stopped from playing it. It is addictive and they could not play for fewer hours - they had to go cold turkey! It is an amazing game and very gripping and I now have a nephew in college in Canada who ended up flunking out due to the fact that he plays WOW all the time. We cannot get him to stop.

creative1 · May 1, 2009, 10:40am

French Mum - Tell the school to put him in study hall if that’s what you want. I can’t imagine the school would not comply at the request of a parent. My child’s school doesn’t have mandatory study hall but will put a student in it at the request of a parent.

“I am also surprised that teachers accept to be handed assignments late.”
Again, what is the school supposed to do? How do they force him to turn it in on time? They have given you and him the feedback that is effort isn’t satisfactory. Now, you and he need to react to that feedback.

“We have also told him, that we’ll stop paying. But are we really going to do it ?”
Empty threats don’t work obviously but I personally would not pay that money for so little effort. Sometimes, some tough love is needed.

cdnhockeymom · May 1, 2009, 10:44am

You can ask the school to sanction him regarding sports but I am not sure they will go along with it if it is not their policy. 
You are right that 526 is not the hardest math so he should be able to do it if he is a B student.
The school must have computers available to students in a supervised area that he could use for school work, so why don’t you take away his computer? No computer, no WoW.
I would be willing to bet it is the WoW that is the problem. I also have a nephew who flunked his first year of college because he would stay up time 5am playing then be too tired to learn in school. My sister took away the computer and CC and he stopped and improved.

mhmm · May 1, 2009, 11:09am

The adviser that was assigned to him is clearly not doing his job, or else doing it according to the culture of the school. At most boarding schools I know the adviser would have been all over the situation, especially since its not a matter of comprehension, but lack of motivation. On your part, you should have email contact with the school weekly. What to do now? If this was my son, I would bring him back home and sit on him. If you want to keep him in that school, and feel that they will want to cooperate by assigning a “warden” – look into summer programs that ween teens of addicting games. If you feel that the school will not cooperate with you, get him off games and have him repeat 11th grade at another school. If the school prides itself on being prestigious, etc, they will have to work hard to get him into a decent college. If he pulls his grades up in the first semester of senior year, has good scores and you’re a full pay that “plays well” with the guidance counsillor you shouldnt have too much problems with that next year.

French_Mum · May 1, 2009, 12:06pm

There was never any adviser assigned to him, and I certainly do not have an email contact with the school weekly. If I do not write, they don’t.

Do most schools offer an assigned advisor ?

In Canada there is a very strict privacy law, I am discovering now, and I am not even sure, that the house parent has access to the kid grades. Their role seems to be much more disciplinary than about anything else.

“have him repeat 11th grade at another school”
I have been thinking lately, that the way out that all thing would be to take him out the school at the end of the year, as you say, and repeat 11th grade at another school.

But being unfamiliar with your Prep School System, I do not really know what I am entitled ( I know more now, than I did two years ago) to expect from any prep school, then how will I know, which one will really fulfill what is advertised in their brochure ??
We are already in May, would any school still accept him ?

Also, my son, is a lot more independent, now than he was 2 years ago, and of course a lot less maneuverable than he was. In a way, that’s a very good thing. BUT he really LOVES his school. Can you really force a 17 year old to change school without creating more problems than you solve.

“summer programs that ween teens of addicting games”
I am looking into it right now. Great idea !

Thanks to all of you for sharing their views, it is really helping me thinking about my pb.

hockeymomofthree · May 1, 2009, 12:48pm

There are US prep schools that have rolling admissions.
As far as US colleges go, 11th grade is important. So if yo are not happy at S currnet situation, I would at least look into BS in the US or England???
It sounds like your S either fell through the cracks or this is just how is school is.
Either way, I dont thing US BS have that reputation.

Good luck.

Sarum · May 1, 2009, 12:52pm

Maybe a few years in the French Foreign Legion would help him decide what he wants to work hard at in life? I’m not kidding, he is fluent in English I presume?

cdnhockeymom · May 1, 2009, 2:18pm

She is correct, the privacy laws here are very strict and depending on which part of Canada, can apply to teenagers too. There is wide variations in the “strictness” of prep schools here also. It is not too late to apply as a full pay repeat grade 11. But do not put off contacting the schools.

goaliedad · May 1, 2009, 4:00pm

I’m not sure if I agree with the entirety of the sentiment about being more independent if you feel he needs supervision to ensure that he puts adequate time into his studies.

It sounds more to me that he is in a school that does not have demanding expectations of their students, and your son is highly skilled at manipulating the system to get away with doing as little as possible.

Perhaps a change of scenery to a place where (like in 9th grade) he is less sure of his place. You will need to break his learned behavior of living to minimum expectations. A place that keeps him on his toes long enough will eventually lead a kid to figure out that he needs to go all out all of the time, and then the rewards from that become self-reinforcing.

I agree a repeat of 11th grade might be in order and perhaps you should look south of the border where private schools aren’t subject to the same privacy rules, so the house parents know where your son stands academically and the parent’s expectation.

However, you should be careful as many of the Tier II and Tier III schools that have rolling admissions may not be the type of place that will push your son constantly. When talking to schools, don’t give away your priorities, but ask open-ended questions as to how they manage academically challenging students to keep top grades.

Another issue, is your son aware of how much grief his performance is causing you and if so is he sensitive to it?

He may well be playing you (and your Husband) knowing that there is disagreement in the family as to the expectations upon him. You may need to pull him out of the school to show him that he has miscalculated his game playing (another part of the same idea that keeping him uncertain is a way of changing behavior the rewards of correct behavior become self-reinforcing).

He didn’t get into being “lazy” overnight (as you mentioned). Be aware that it may take 2 or 3 years to get him into a self-regulating productive state.

Good luck.

Periwinkle · May 1, 2009, 4:33pm

If he is 17, be aware that at 18, he is considered an adult in the US. I gather that schools may not share his grades with you after the age of 18, due to laws governing student privacy under FERPA. FERPA applies to public schools, and post secondary schools, but I am not certain if it applies to boarding schools if they don’t accept federal funds. Here is a link:[Disclosure</a> of Information from Education Records to Parents of Postsecondary Students](<a href=“http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/hottopics/ht-parents-postsecstudents.html]Disclosure”>http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/hottopics/ht-parents-postsecstudents.html).

There is a release he can sign, which will allow schools and colleges to inform you of his progress. If you are entering into a situation in which you will be threatening to withhold tuition, you would be wise to require him to sign such a release, should he attend high school or college in the US.

keylyme · May 1, 2009, 10:49pm

I second taking away the computer. My son’s dorm has several computers for student use right in the dorms. My son’s roommate could be your son, French Mum! My son is a very good student; his roommate does just what he needs to do to get by, according to my son. He also has two computer monitors…one is huge. My son says he plays WoW non-stop. Drives my son crazy. He is good friends with his roomie; in fact, they are rooming again next year. My son just can’t believe how addicted he is to the computer. We have mulled over the thought of saying something to the boy’s parents. (It’s not your son French Mum…our son’s roommate has been there since the beginning of ninth, he is a sophomore, and both of his parents are french).

toadstool · May 2, 2009, 10:49am

I am so thankful that D’s prep school is in a rural area with no broadband or wireless other then what the school has. And the school shuts down the internet access at midnight. The kids can jerry rig off of dial up, but games/porn are pointless with that download speed.

World of Warcraft is devouring students, including in college.

Sarum · May 2, 2009, 11:28am

I thought it was Everquest:)

Life in a prep school.

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