@busdriver11, please fix your stairs for YOUR and your husband’s safety, as well as those who visit you and even delivery people. I worry about you and want you to stay safe!
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Ah, don’t worry about delivery people. If they go down the side steps to the back of my house….they’re up to no good. 
I put a cone on the bad stair and am going to block off the entry way to it, should someone decide to trespass.
But you are right, it needs to be fixed!
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Then you say “I’m happy to host a smaller family only party. I cannot host 30 people”.
Period. This is your home and your decision, and given the new information about the number of people, it’s fine to set your own guidelines regarding what you will do.
ETA…good for you for speaking up. I’m sure there are plenty of other places where a 40th birthday party can be held. Why aren’t the parents hosting??
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Something similar happened to me in March. I expected to be having a birthday party dinner for a friend, after her husband kind of dropped the ball. About 6 couples in core group. Birthday girl age 60 asked to invite a few extras. Party size grew to 24 ppl. At that point I sent an email saying WE are going to put a party together and would you like to come and which of these would you like to provide, followed by a list of things like green salad, fruit salad, appetizer. Someone even offered decorations. Worked out well
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I was thinking about this last night
As I get older, I feel that I’m better at doing what I want to do.
TBH, I kinda don’t want to do much and sometimes my husband insists. I am still a work in progress.
I’ve joined groups that aren’t a weekly obligation but more a drop in function. Play golf, not in a league but who I want to play with. Same with mahjong (a new hobby). I was playing on Mondays but decided that I wasn’t wild about the people there, it’s in a small hot room. I told my friends that I have enough to do, I’ll play in the neighborhood on Wednesday but I had to cut out something and that was it. I don’t actually have a lot of weekly obligations but I like not having too much scheduled.
Sometimes I get roped into doing things like my niece’s baby shower but I should go because the family is small and I guess you show up for family. Lol
I would not host a party for 30 at my house @busdriver11. Especially because it didn’t seem entirely thought out. It sounded like you had responsibilities for venue, food, drinks and entertainment. Which should have been clearer and spelled out and better communicated by the fiance. Sounds like he’s 40 and not 20, and should have more responsibility than I’m inviting and you’re hosting.
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@busdriver11 , sounds like you have a cool house that would be great for a big bash. I’m picturing like one of those Big Little Lies coastal homes. 
Your family member probably feel like “how cool to have a party there!” - sort of like choosing a fun/fancy AIRBNB just on a whim for a weekend. But they aren’t really thinking through that this is much more than you offering up a space. It’s your HOME. And the benefits are cool but not with built in safety for 30 partying, celebrating, maybe drinking guests.
I think you did right to back out. It’s your prerogative.
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We have a house where we could easily host a party for 30 in a perfect setting (on the bank of a river) and with a pool. We have done so (ShawD’s 30th and I think 31st and have done a couple of fund-raisers). Even if it is potluck or the fundraisers say that they are bringing the food or wine, we end up doing a lot. Work to prepare (clean up before hand, cook, buy extra beer or wine, hide things that could break, …) and afterwards (running several loads through our dishwashers, clean the rooms finding wine glasses everywhere imaginable, empty trash, compost, recycling, …). For our last event (Passover for extended family, so not a party), our cleaning lady cleaned before, came that night and helped serve/clean up, and then came a couple of days later. When it is a labor of love (ShawD’s birthday), we don’t mind, but it were for 30 people we did not know, we would say no just as you did.
Two of ShawWife’s friends asked if they could have dinner parties (including us), one for a birthday and one just so we would meet their friends, at our house. Both 10-12 people. We did both. The birthday was a little weird as I recall – one of the guests was a little strange. The other had very interesting guests and unless my memory is blurred, we may have hosted two parties for that person. One guest was an architectural photographer who, coincidentally, had just received a call from the architect who had designed the rather extensive renovation of our house. The photographer agreed to do the shoot for the architect and, probably because he enjoyed being with us at the party and at the subsequent shoot, gave us free rights to use the pictures (something professionals like him never do). I think we invited him and his wife back, but I don’t think that has happened (social life at my house can be a blur). But, we are not jumping up and down to host other’s parties.
We had a huge party at a friend’s house for ShawWife’s 50th, I believe, probably 80 or 100 people (but our friends had bought a private school and converted it into a house and retained the basketball court, so lots of room). The same friends recently let ShawD have a fund-raiser at their house. Food supplied by a local high-end cheese/food/wine store. But, our friends had a cleaning crew come in before and after.
I guess the point is that it is a lot of work and I can’t see doing it except for special people (and I think ShawWife now concurs as she has gotten tired of entertaining, for a while).
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The parents live an inconvenient distance away, have a small house and would definitely say not only no, but heck no. My sister is even more people adverse than I am.
@deb922 I’m with you on not wanting to do much, and get sucked into things because my extroverted husband wants to do them. I am getting better at thinking things out and heading it off before I’m in the car and on the way to do something I don’t want to do than I used to be.
@abasket I think you’re correct in that he’s likely thinking it would be fun to have a party here, and not realizing the level of effort that would be involved for us. Not that much like a Big Little Lies homes, but more a pacific NW type. It has the potential for great entertaining and my husband just put in a zipline that goes from the kitchen to the hot tub by the water (not for people, but wine/beer refills 
), but it’s medium bank and an incredible amount of stairs. I’m comfortable asking a small number of my friends over (all in their 50’s-70’s, responsible, even when they drink), but a whole load of younger people that I don’t know? Yikes! We had a Christmas party with about 30 people once that was so stressful. We cleaned and fixed up the house for months, and nobody went out back because it was cold. I said never again, but no doubt the memory will fade and I’ll get talked into it again.
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This is getting off topic, on with my story! 
My daughter’s boyfriend now husband decided he was going to throw her a 30th birthday party.
At the time, he lived in an apartment that had a nice party room. So he booked it and I think he invited people. Since he was working a tremendous amount of hours, in his magical world, he would be able to do everything else the night before the party.
We all know how that goes! My daughter spent all week planning drinks, menu, decorations, cleaning his apartment for guests. Inviting the guests he forgot or didn’t know well. You know, the things you need to do to put in a party.
Took the day before off to go around and buy all the stuff. Made food in the crockpot of some sort.
Told her boyfriend now husband that she’d rather not have him throw her a birthday party again. She did have a nice time but it ended up being a party she threw herself but wasn’t into!
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I’d say that’s a good warmup for marriage. His idea, she does all the work. 
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Sidebar - I’ve not seen Big Little Lies but got interested in the houses mentioned 'Big Little Lies' Houses: How Much Do They Cost?
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I can’t click and make your post work?
In our case, if it is a dinner party, it might be my idea but ShawWife does 85 to 95% of the work.
On the other hand, if she says, I’d like to take a trip to Japan or Bali, with some final decisions from her (fancy hotel or regular hotel in this city), 95% of the trip planning (bike tour company and selection of trip, flights at good prices, hotels at good prices, visas, car rental or pickups etc., restaurants) is me. She says “I’d like to go to the art island in Japan” and Isamu Noguchi Museum and miraculously, a car takes from our hotel in Kyoto (where I have stayus) to the Museum, waits for us, takes us across the ferry to our hotel on the art island, and e-bikes are there for us when we want to get around the island. And the money is there to pay for it.
Probably a reasonable balance over time, but she has a lot more responsibility for day-to-day stuff.
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And I’ll bet all those houses are now worth at least double of what they were in 2017! That is, if they didn’t burn down.
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I would say day to day stuff ends up being far more work than vacation planning (seeing as I do both). But I do pretty much nothing on the yard, so it all works out.
Link fixed (added a space prior to it)
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I think her day-to-day work takes more time than mine as mine is travel, long-term planning, insurance, investments, procurement and cleanup after meals. These can take a lot of time but I outsource part of some of these. We hire someone for the yard and snow. Way too much work (huge driveway and pretty large yard). The other thing that takes time is earning the money to ensure that luxurious hotels in Japan, the gardener, plower, house help, and beautiful house renovations are in the budget.
The place where things were most unbalanced was when our kids were little. I was building my company and reputation and was on the road two to three weeks a month. She cut back her painting to be home when the kids came home from school (and to be with them in the years before they started school) although we always had a nanny/housekeeper. But, she never needed to take a job teaching painting at a university or HS – which inevitably would suck up all her time and leave little time/energy for making art – to support herself. So all her spare time was spent making art and when the kids no longer needed nor wanted her at home after school, she easily shifted to full-time painting (again not job needed to support her work).
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Well, it’s good if people can take the roles they want. Some people enjoy their work and wish to work as much as possible, to other people it’s pure misery. Household duties seem to get divided up by who likes to do them (or hates it least). We never have paid people to do things we could do ourselves, but perhaps as we get older, we won’t want to do physical labor.
I have found now that I’m retired, I am getting sucked up into my husbands exterior projects a lot more, and I’ve found that the physical exertion and spending more time outside is rewarding and enjoyable (but don’t anyone here tell him that).
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I love hearing that others prefer to “not do much”!
ps I might have trouble fitting two people in my place 
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Me, too. “Much” is highly overrated.
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