Life will be different next Christmas

Parent Cafe
1

<p>As our family is beginning our traditions for the holiday season, it’s suddenly hitting me that next year, after D1 is in college, things will be very different. I just hung the advent calendar that our two daughters love to use to countdown the days until Christmas. They have a system. I don’t get involved. But it has always been fun to watch them hurry to put the next item in the pocket on their alternate day before they rush out the door for school.</p>

<p>Next year D1 won’t be home to participate. I cried this morning as I came to terms with that.</p>

<p>D1 is adamant that she will come home next year to go get our Christmas tree. I know that she will change her mind about that, since it will probably coincide with exams. We will need to figure something else out, since I don’t think the other three members of this family will want to go get the tree without her, but do we really want to wait until she gets home for Christmas break to put up the tree? We go to a farm where they take you on a horse drawn wagon to cut down your own tree. It’s quite an experience, and we have it down to a science, but I don’t think it will be any fun without her.</p>

<p>Actually, I think it will be easier for D1 next year than it will be for the three of us left at home. She will be loving the new, independent lifestyle, and starting her own holiday traditions at college with her new friends. But my husband and I and D2 will be floundering. I think.</p>

<p>Those of you who have gone through this, what has been your experience? Is it really going to be as bad as I imagine?</p>

2

<p>I am finding that it’s important to establish new traditions that don’t depend on the presence of your kids. When they were little, my sons used to love to decorate the Christmas tree. In fact, they loved doing it so much that I would let the two of them take virtually total responsibility for decorating it. </p>

<p>As young adults neither has shown interest in helping with holiday decorations. This includes younger son, who at college takes great pleasure in designing lots of things. In fact, his theater concentration is lighting design, but he isn’t interested in lighting our house!</p>

<p>I think that as part of growing up, some young adults feel the need to distance themselves from some family traditions so that they have the guts to move away and to develop their own lives.</p>

<p>What this means for us parents is we need to find new traditions such as possibly having some of our friends over for Christmas tree party. An empty nest friend of mine invites her friends over for a holiday sing-along.</p>

3

<p>It will be bad if your expectation is that things will never change.</p>

<p>In my experience (one of my offspring is a second-year graduate student on the other side of the country, whom I see once a year, and the other is a junior at a college seven hours from home who will likely spend the next summer away from home), the early stages of college are not that painful for families. There is likely to be a lot of communication between parents and student because so much is happening in the student’s life that is new. There’s a lot to talk about – online, on the phone, and during breaks. And most freshmen are eager to come home at breaks to see their high school friends, if not for any other reason. Unlike upperclassmen, they tend not to make plans to spend their breaks elsewhere. </p>

<p>It gets harder later as more and more, the young people’s lives are focused away from their parents’ home. But that’s what we raised them for, right? We want them to be increasingly independent. One result of this is that they are no longer as integrated into our lives as they used to be. And we are no longer as integrated in theirs – except when they need money.</p>

4

<p>Awww, it changes. But from old traditions, new traditions spring. I love that moment now when I see my oldest’s plane dropping down and then seeing him coming down the airport corridor after not seeing him for months and months and months. This year he hasn’t been home all year, since last Christmas. Most of the colleges get out early enough that the kids are home for the final preparations if not the tree trimming. My mom told me the hardest Christmas was the one where I was in Europe and did not come home for Christmas. I spent it with relatives albeit relatives I barely knew. This was decades ago, but I also think often about that Christmas. These days my siblings are far flung and while my kids still spend Christmas with us I know that the day may come soon where they, too, are far flung. I don’t “think” it will be as bad as you imagine. There is such joy in watching them become independent and share in their new lives.</p>

5

<p>The beautiful traditions you build while your children live in your house will form the foundation of their ability to build beautiful traditions for their own families.</p>

<p>But that bittersweet knowledge does not replace the ache in our hearts…</p>

6

<p>And once the kids leave the home, it is a great time to simplify. My parents did, especially for Christmas–and would only put on a big show when kids/grandkids would be coming for the holidays.</p>

7

<p>Please don’t let you D know that you expect to be “floundering”! Maybe you could decorate the tree over the TG break when, she’s home. It’s NOT bad to create a new set of traditions. Time to suck it up, Mom–change is a good thing!</p>

8

<p>Yes, it does change. I prefer to think that it has evolved and to remember that we spent 18+ years raising a child so that she would be ready to leave the nest when the time came. One thing to do is remember that it is not personal. </p>

<p>Keep your expectations grounded in reality. Expect your child to want to spend a lot of time at home visiting with high school friends. If you have a lot of family based traditions, you may want to scale back.</p>

9

<p>“Life will be different next Christmas”</p>

<p>Truth is, life is different EVERY Christmas. It just catches up to us when the kids leave home. Time to adjust, celebrate new triumphs, and enjoy your daughters independence.</p>

10

<p>Here’s what has evolved at our house. D puts does her turn at the advent calendar every other day, so S can catch up when he gets here. The tree and lights go up, but we decorate it when he gets home. This is a bummer, as this ends up being about a week before the big day.</p>

<p>There are some decorating traditions that we do before he gets home, and some that have to wait… It’s ok. </p>

<p>Having him home is great, sending him off again at the end of December is awful.</p>

11

<p>In fact, his theater concentration is lighting design, but he isn’t interested in lighting our house!</p>

<p>You know how many finish carpenters have their books stacked on the floor, while they build bookshelves elsewhere?
;)</p>

<p>We have been going to the mountains during the holidays for the past twenty years. Last year was the first year we didn’t because our elderly lab ( she is now 15 & 1/2) was ill.
This year she is doing better, but I still wouldn’t leave her with anyone, so we are having to find something else that feels like an adventure to do. ( but close enough so we can take the dog)
Since our oldest apparently volunteered to dog sit for a week during xmas for a family in her area ( she lives in a neighboring state), it doesn’t sound like she will be home at all.
However, I am sure we will work something out- I am just happy they still fit us into their lives somehow.</p>

12

<p>Flymetothemoon: try to change your mindset so that you won’t be so tied to having everything the same at Christmas as your Ds are in their college years. It will still be fun; you will still have your family Christmas; they will still come home. It will be different, but you sound like you have a strong family structure and new traditions will emerge. You can do your tree later next year when your D is home. Perhaps have all the decorating done except for the tree and make a big tradition of getting the tree and putting it up after both Ds are back home.</p>

<p>My D came home for Christmas every year in college but paid very little attention to us. She would only have one dinner with us plus Christmas Eve church and dinner (Christmas day she goes to her dad’s house). All the rest of the time she is with her friends all over the area (lots of friends from camp who live at a distance). Now that she is out of college, last year she didn’t come home at all because she had to work.</p>

<p>If you have a close family, you will still have fun with your Ds. You won’t be floundering; you are the home base and your Ds will return for their dose of holiday comfort.</p>

13

<p>My mother sends each of the grandkids advent calendars, so S1 will get his at college. (I guarantee he will ignore it, but don’t have the heart to tell her that!) Both kids are no longer interested in choosing the tree and it’s hard to get them to help decorate. S1 is done with exams December 14, so there’s actually quite a bit of time to do Christmas with him if he’s interested. </p>

<p>If you think traditions are changing now, wait till they get married. It’s best to be flexible. Figure out which things you really want to keep and which can be adapted.</p>

14

<p>Things will be different but not necessarily bad – just different. H and I are now empty nesters. Oldest in at his 4th and final year of undergrad and looking at grad school. D is a freshmen 8.5 hours from home. It is so great to see them home that I don’t think about what they have missed or what H and I have done with out them. This year I would like to have all/most of the decorating, baking, etc. done BEFORE they get home so that I am not too busy to spend time with them when they want to spend time with me. Cause lets face it they will be out with their friends from home much of the time. H and I are even talking about perhaps going somewhere different for our tree this year even though we have been to the same place for 15 or so years. H and I are making our own traditions based on those that we had as a family but with only the two of us for some of these traditions changes are needed. Alls I can say is go with the flow and just be happy when your D comes home.</p>

15

<p>Flyme- I don’t mean to be all Pollyanna, but try to focus on how lucky you are to have D1 on her way to a happy adulthood, and family together at Christmas. My husband died suddenly this year, and only D goes to college in the fall, so life will really be changing. But I am looking at it like one door closing and another opening. So every time you get sad, count your blessings!</p>

16

<p>I don’t know where your D will be going but most college students would be home about a week before Xmas–is that too late to go the farm to get a tree? I used to put my tree up earlier in December and leave it up until the Epiphany on Jan 6th, but now I wait until my D returns from school (because she likes to help me decorate) and I leave it up until she goes back to school. It’s different but I don’t mind. </p>

<p>Maybe you and D2 could create some type of “cyber” advent calendar with holiday pictures/messages and email one to D1 each day–counting down until she arrives home…just a thought?</p>

<p>Anyway, this kind of change is not always as bad as you anticipate–you eventually get used to the change and learn to appreciate the new things as well as to cherish the time you have together even more. Don’t worry; you’re not losing your DD1. You’ll probably be so excited when she does come home for the holidays that those other things won’t matter so much.</p>

17

<p>I don’t think there’s any bigger fan of Christmas, other than my S. I think he’s part elf. His enthusiasm and excitement for the holidays really sets the tone for our home. When he went off to school, I really thought we’d lose some of the holiday spirit. He was too busy creating his own cheer at his new school to really worry that we’d done a lot of decorating without him. </p>

<p>We have an advent calendar that my mom gave us about 18 years ago. S & D always alternated days to pick out an “ornament” and decorate the tree. When D went off to school, she let her brother have all the picks until she got home. S didn’t want to lose his turns when he went off to school, so what did he ask me to do???..everyday, I get to pick something out and then text him with that day’s “ornament.” Last year, when he was abroad until mid December, not only did I email the daily result, but when we skyped, I was able to show him the calendar. This weekend, before he headed back to school, he dug out the advent calendar and hung it in its usual spot in the kitchen. The texts will start again tomorrow!</p>

18

<p>It’ll be okay! <em>hug</em></p>

<p>From a recent(ish) college student’s perspective, my roommate and I developed all sorts of new traditions. We would deck out in shorts and flipflops, sunglasses and Santa hats, grab a few handfuls of candy canes to chew on along the way, and go to Home Depot in the 70-degree Houston weather in my Ford Explorer, blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” over and over out the open windows and honking gleefully at stoplights to wave at the people next to us. We would pick up a five-foot live pine tree to cram into our tiny dorm room, laughing hysterically as people watched us squash it into the elevator to get it up to the tenth floor, and since we had a bay window facing campus, our lit tree could be seen from most of the dorms. We ended up with a lot of homesick visitors descending upon our room in need of Christmas cheer, but we made a bunch of new friends that way, and ended up with a ton of great memories. People would bring us ornaments for The Tree-- an ornament made out of a pair of socks, a string of buttered popcorn, a wad of resistors that someone made in elec lab. When we graduated, we split the decorative paper chain that we sat and made with one another and it goes up on our respective trees every year.</p>

<p>My parents divorced and most of my grandparents died when I was in college, so I got a double-whammy. Things really changed at home, and I was worried that nothing would be the same. I’m now married, and my brother lives in the same town as we do. I inherited my grandmother’s recipe book, as well as the dishes and dining room set that we used to eat off of every year, and I’ll be darned if I don’t have Christmas like it was when I was a kid every single year nowadays! It might not be <em>on</em> Christmas, and it might not be with my entire family, but every year, my friends and brother and husband and I gather around my grandmother’s table and have an amazing Christmas dinner with a turkey and a tree and all the trimmings. We’ve added midnight mass, since my husband is Catholic, and it’s made everything that much more special.</p>

<p>I’m relieved to report that it’s true–you can carry on the traditions even if the people around you aren’t immediately there. They’re in your hearts, and you’re lucky that you’ll get to see them soon! Your daughter will make her own Christmas preparations in her dorm, and she’ll cope just fine, and you and your family will do all the preparations even if she isn’t there to help with them all. Bring along a camera when you go to pick out your tree, and take pictures to send to her! If you feel like getting really wacky-- make a cardboard cutout of her and take it along with, and take pictures with the tree and your cardboard daughter and the rest of your family, and send them to her. She’ll get a kick out of it.</p>

<p>It will still be Christmas. It’ll be different, but it’ll still be great. Take time to feel a little sad, but don’t let it ruin this year’s Christmas cheer. =)</p>

19

<p>Aibarr–what an absolutely lovely post !</p>

<p>I hope my son meets someone like you in college.</p>

20

<p>Oh my goodness, a cardboard kid! I am so going to steal that idea. aibarr, I loved your post – you seem to have a great sense of fun and new traditions. :)</p>

<p>FlyMe, another random suggestion: Get a duplicate Advent calendar, and have your second daughter mail the pocket pieces to your first daughter every day. Or have the second daughter create a Facebook-based Advent calendar and send photos of the pieces as wall posts. There are plenty of ways to include someone from a distance. :)</p>