<p>If your son/daughter wanted to live with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend as an undergrad, would it change your policy about paying for your child’s living expenses in any way?</p>
<p>It would not change my policy, but I would make sure there was a viable “escape” plan for if things didn’t work out. Who gets stuck with the lease, etc? I actually thought D would live with her (then) boyfriend her junior year of college, and I actually liked the idea for safety. She really wanted to be alone in her apartment, though, and since she broke up with him later that year, it was a good thing…</p>
<p>I don’t like the idea of living together but I would not change the policy about paying for college. It’s ok if everything works out great but as often than not, people do break up and it’s uncomfortable if they do live together.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s my feeling too, it’s hard enough to break up with someone and then add to that disrupting one’s living arrangements… it could lead to a bad situation.</p>
<p>My daughter recently announced that she had ‘done the arithmetic’ and figured out that H and I lived together during undergrad yrs before we were married. And I thought we had been so tricky.</p>
<p>Given that I would look like a hypocrite if I objected to my kids living with their boyfriend/girlfriend, I wouldn’t object ‘just because’. However, I think the practical considerations are important, and I would encourage them to keep an escape route in mind. And since they are my children, they would ignore my advice and do want they wanted to anyway.</p>
<p>MOWC, your ‘safety’ comment really hit home. I was afraid to tell my mother, initially, that bf was the new roommate. When I did tell her, she said “oh good, I never thought you were safe living alone like that”. Of course, she knew the bf and liked and trusted him, and I’m sure that was a factor.</p>
<p>I would make sure the other young person is paying full rent and not sponging off my kid, er, my money. </p>
<p>I would want to know exactly how much this arrangement would be saving ME in terms of rent and utilities. If the student friend is moving into one room within a multi-room house, are they halving the cost of THAT room, or adding another person to divide all costs among the other roommates? How do they anticipate sharing food costs, if it’s a cook-at-home situation. </p>
<p>I would tell my kid, that’s nice, but I expected to pay all that anyway. So don’t be proud of saving me money or feel pressed into maintaining the relationship beyond its expiration date to help me save money.
That’s not how I wanted to save money. I already had the rent/utilities budgeted as if it was a solo situation. And no, you don’t get the savings into your pocket now.</p>
<p>I’d do everything to make sure there’s no financial reason for my kid to stay any longer in a relationship than s/he wants, just because our family is “saving money.” It’s not enough money to warrant the headaches.</p>
<p>I never knew anyone who told their parents they were doing this.</p>
<p>^^^ My daughter is and she told us. As far as finances are concerned she receives a lot of financial aid, both merit and need, and works when she can so we are not paying a lot. She did run it by us to make sure we did not stroke out. What we are willing to pay would not change because of her choice. His parents pay full freight other than what is covered by his scholarship. They seem ok with it. In all honesty I would prefer they live together rather than get married at this point.</p>
<p>We are currently in that situation; it happens to be the best/most reliable living situation at this time. It is not about saving money. We continue to pay according to our prior arrangement.
I am concerned about them having ‘space’ to be apart in times of disagreements; and I worry if they split before end of lease/term.
Oldest child had the wisdom to tell me to stop worrying because these issues can happen in any living arrangement and that sib and SO are reasonable, caring, responsible people. (I still worry; I am less verbal about it, though.)</p>
<p>Four of my five Ds have done/are doing this. We never changed our policy of what we pay for based on who they chose to live with. Neither did my parents when H and I did it, many moons ago! :)</p>
<p>Honestly, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d probably respect our kids’ choices, as we have to date, but do the “escape route” talk as well. Since neither of our kids is even dating, it seems pretty unlikely to come up in the near future, especially since D has already signed up with her buddies for next year’s apartment & S will be graduating & figuring out his living arrangements based on his upcoming job.</p>
<p>I told my parents, even though they aren’t paying for anything. I use my financial aid to pay for everything so they’re opinion wouldn’t have stopped me. I just made sure we had 2 separate bedrooms in case we did break up and we both agreed to be civil if a breakup did occur and agreed I would be the one to move and would try to find a replacement roommate, if possible.</p>
<p>My dad wasn’t happy at first, but I think hes gotten over it. I mean, my bf and I practically lived together at college. I wouldn’t change your agreement personally. Most college students I know, myself included, practically live together already, I slept over my bf’s dorm every other night.</p>
<p>We never discussed the specifics of the money, but we strongly advised our kids not to live with an SO. We have seen so many roommate issues and financial problems regarding the leases with our D1 that we got very self-protective and proactive in any subsequent roommate situations. I feel that it is just better for them to have their own space from an SO.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t change my financial policies in any way. I don’t disapprove of young adults living with a boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, I think it’s a good idea if the relationship is one with long-term potential. Having to deal with practical issues is a good test of a relationship; there’s more to being a successful couple than just sex. Sharing an apartment brings up lots of practical issues. (And if you want to make the test even more demanding, try sharing a car or going on a trip together.)</p>
<p>I would want to make sure, however, that the young people understand some practical realities.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If one person has rented the apartment and the other person is just staying there, the one whose name is not on the lease is technically a guest, and the lease may put restrictions on the length of time that a guest can stay. There are risks to this if you get caught (among other things, the “guest” may have no place to stay), so it may not be the best idea. </p></li>
<li><p>If the couple plans to live in an apartment where one of them is already living with roommates, there may be problems both with the issue mentioned in #1 and with bad feelings on the part of roommates who feel that they are being sponged off financially or overcrowded. Then again, there may not be. (If A, B, and C have rented an apartment together, but A is always at his girlfriend’s place, nobody may care if B’s girlfriend moves in. It’s when there are suddenly six people living in an apartment designed for three that things get difficult. Especially if there is only one bathroom.)</p></li>
<li><p>If the couple signs a lease together, they need to realize that it may be difficult to change their living arrangements if they break up. They could find themselves having to continue to share an apartment for the duration of the lease even though they are no longer a couple. This can be significantly more awkward than sharing an apartment with a roommate with whom you are no longer friends.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I like S0ad’s idea of renting a place where each person has his/her own bedroom. If the couple breaks up, one might be able to move out and the other to find a substitute roommate.</p>
<p>I would advise my daughter to have her own place, whether I am paying or not. I wouldn’t care if they were spending every night together at each other’s place, but it’s better if they have their own place. There is no reason to have one place together unless they are planning to get married. But if my daughter is adamant about it, I wouldn’t withhold my financial support, she would just have to live with the consequence if there is a fall out.</p>
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- Money would be way down the list of my concerns.</p>
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<p>Cut to the chase!</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be thrilled if one of my kids decided to live together before marriage, but it would be their decision to make. However, that decision should be made by a self supporting adult.</p>
<p>I had this conversation with my dd: any living arrangements with boys involved results in an immediate cessation of funding.</p>
<p>^^^ I think my daughter’s previous room mate felt the same way. They paid half the rent and bills on the apartment. Their daughter was rarely there. So officially she lives in the apartment, in reality she lives 99% of the time elsewhere. </p>
<p>I don’t know if the parents are aware of this or not. But it meets oldforts and curms good idea that they have their own place, just in case. In fact I think there was a brief break up last year and she did end up living there briefly.</p>