<p>Personally, my preference would be for no serious dating in college- but the heart is sometimes wiser than ourselves.</p>
<p>I also advise a gap year, 90% of the time.</p>
<p>Of course there will be the dating, now a dated word, quite literally, gone the way of courting. And I don’t discourage anyone from any of that. It’s a glorious, magical thing. But, oh so powerful that it can wreak havoc on a person. So until the time comes to make a true commitment, taking these risks on someone else’s dime, when you are being paid to do a job, quite a bit of pay too, you can play by your benefactor’s rules on some things. </p>
<p>It’s funny. I have a lot of contacts from the south and most of their kids marry by the time they are 25 whereas, most of the kids I’ve known in the northeast are decidedly unattached well into the late 20s at earliest and into the 30s. </p>
<p>So coming back to the question, I don’t want to pay for my kids living with someone in an intimate relationship at college, because of all of the downsides that such a relationship can have and the lack of some fail safe valves when things go wrong, plus the fact that it’s my money paying for something I don’t want to spend it on. However, I won’t cut off the funds or cause much of a stink, because I understand the whys. Alot of thing in that category when it comes to some things my kids, our kids do. I guess each generation has to find out some of the same things that their parents have learned, the same hard way, even harder it seems.</p>
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<p>I feel a bit stupid for asking, but did you intend this comment to be serious or sarcastic? I can’t tell.</p>
<p>I am quite serious.( while acknowledging that very few would take me seriously)
Of course I realize that hormonal young adults are going to have sex, Im not talking about that.
But I think that college is too draining of time & energy for a serious emotional relationship.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that I’ve never been to college as a young adult & our family is on the aspergery side, so I tend to hyperfocus & that is difficult to do well, on more than one thing at a time.</p>
<p>It takes time to learn to multitask well.</p>
<p>Well I can give our experience with this. DS met a girl Freshman year, they fell in love and she became like our daughter. At the end of Sophomore year they decided they wanted to live together. Marriage was definately in the plan at graduation.</p>
<p>After a lot of discussion between the two families we said OK. Note that they did not ask permission since they both were self-supporting but they wanted both families to bless what they were doing. They had to sign a lease together and split all costs 50/50. Backout plan was that DS would move out if they broke up since he had another place he could live. He would continue to pay his 1/2 though.</p>
<p>Things got rocky. GF started getting cold feet a few months after they moved in. DS was at fault too since he apparently did not make the adjustment to living with someone well (not realizing that he had to curtail some ECs, etc). GF also had dropped out of school and worked full-time so they were in different worlds.</p>
<p>We knew there were issues but thought they worked it out. They extended their lease by a year for Sr year. And then 2 weeks later broke up. It was NOT pretty. Neither one was covered in glory.</p>
<p>Ex continued to live in the apt while they found a sub-lessor which took months. DS had to pay his 1/2 and for his new place. They had to split up furniture, etc. It was a divorce in almost every sense of the word.</p>
<p>The aftermath was quite ugly and took everyone a long time to get over. But looking back at it now we think it was a good thing for DS in the long run. Why? Because 1) he probably would have married her if they had not lived together and we feel he dodged a huge bullet there, and 2) now he knows what it takes to be in that kind of a serious relationship and he has handled his current relationship totally differently. So there was growth there.</p>
<p>Take from this what you will.</p>
<p>Iron, that’s why I couldn’t imagine marrying someone I hadn’t lived with. I think living together compatibility is just as important as any other type of compatibility in a relationship.</p>
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<p>Which is why I think it’s foolish for young people to live together; break-ups are bad enough without throwing a mini-divorce into the picture. It’s hard to imagine what a break-up would have been like if I didn’t have my own pad to curl up in, my own bed for reading and hot chocolate, my own stable network of friends.</p>
<p>Good there was a back up plan or that could have been a battle point as well. I’m sorry for the mess, but yes, there was growth and lessons learned.</p>
<p>When I was in college, a young man in our class was smitten with a young woman. Oh it was true love and so glorious. They wanted to get married right away. The big bad wolf was the young man’s Dad who was a NCP and was paying all the bills for the college. He threatened to cut off payment if there was a marriage, and if they officially moved in with each other. Dad would continue to pay the bills including for university housing, and he did not care where Jr actually slept, but no underhanded business with the university room like subletting it, and the girl had to have her own place as well or the funds would stop right there. The Golden Rule prevailed as Dad had the gold, and no one else had much in the way of money. The young woman was on financial aid and my classmate’s mother could not possibly afford the private school, so they lived together pretty much with the extra room lying fallow. </p>
<p>Junior year, it all fell apart… There was the break up, but not as ugly as it could have been because there was that separate room, and the finances were separate. They would have married had the Dad not made his conditions and, yes, probably broken up and it would have been more complicated</p>
<p>A few years ago, my son went behind my back and deliberately did not enter the housing lottery so he could live in a house some miles from campus. DH and I might have gone along with the idea, but DS had pulled some similar deceptions on us, and we made it clear that it was not going to be tolerated. When I found out, I hit the ceiling. Called housing and got a quad in the dorms for him and told him that if he wanted to live off campus, fine, but I was not paying for it. He was so close to being told to just drop the college and come home for a number of reasons anyways. He got a part time job and because the house was so cheap (it was a wreck) he just lived there. </p>
<p>Until the snowstorm came and shut down the city–and he and his housemates were 6 miles from campus with no easy way to get to school. The house literally fell apart. Pipes broke, no electric. DS beat a hasty retreat into the quad dormroom and managed to get through the term. His house mates, all but one dropped out that semester. </p>
<p>So, a lesson learned from the Big Bad Dad from 40 years ago, that I used.</p>
<p>That said, I don’t think I would pull the financial plug on my kids when they present these sort of things. Not meeting the academic standards and making true trouble is where I draw my line.</p>
<p>Ironmaiden, what would you have done, had you been paying for DS’s expenses? That your son was self supporting is key here. As far as I am concerned, though I may not agree that some move or idea is a good one, when it is not my money on the line, I am more likely to keep quiet about these things, though I will give my opinion. Even with my money on the line, I would not pull it over living arrangements. Or marriage, though I would not support it with more than we are giving as we are giving it our best financially.</p>
<p>Look regardless of moral, economics, parents past experience; kids go to college to experience life outside home, on their own. It is a time of growth, of finding oneself’s likes and dislikes. I do not think is beneficial, specially for girls, to leave their parents home and go live with their boyfriend. They need their own space. Know that they can be complete by themselves and that a relationship will only add to her life, not replace anything. How many more opportunities will she have to do that specially is this is a serious relationship?</p>
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<p>I think what you’re saying may apply to some young people but not others.</p>
<p>For some – and here I am thinking mostly of introverts – having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a stress reducer. These people HATE hunting for partners. But they like HAVING a partner. They like to have sex and go to campus events as much as anyone else does. Once they settle into a comfortable relationship, their social problems are basically solved (and this does not necessarily mean isolation – they may have friends, too). They’re happier because they’ve gotten the dreaded “find a partner” process out of the way (at least for a while). And in my experience, they do just as well academically – if not better – than they did before the relationship started.</p>
<p>Marian hit it square on the head for my semi-introverted partner and my rather introverted self. I can’t handle large groups of people very well and I’d rarely go anywhere without my partner initiating. Anxiety prevents me from branching out.</p>
<p>Wego, I do not crave living alone. In fact, I fear it. I am the first to admit that. I lived alone for months at a time in high school and I never want to do it again. </p>
<p>I hate the idea that one can’t discover themselves if they have a partner. I’m not sure why it bugs me so much.</p>
<p>As I said, I don’t like it. But when the chemistry works, the subject comes up.</p>
<p>As for girls leaving home and then rmoving right in with a SO, well, many young women in the days of yore and still today, move from their childhood bed to their husbands. It’s not everyone who can get that own space, own place experience, and I have no idea how valuable it in people’s lives overall. I’m selfish about this whole thing–I don’t like it because when it blows up on my dime and while the kid is still in college it is far more likely to become my problem. When folks become truly independent, it is far less likely and the extent of involvement also far less as far as the parents go. Yes, there are exceptions, but I’m looking at the odds. I think it’s pretty much a 100% chance I’m involved in any blow up with my name on the frigging lease, and my kid still pretty much dependent on me though legally an adult.</p>
<p>I’m an introvert and was happier at college and law school without a SO. Less drama, less “pay attention to meeee! What do you mean, you have an organic chemistry test and a differential equations exam next week? Meeeee!”</p>
<p>For some – and here I am thinking mostly of introverts – having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a stress reducer</p>
<p>This is my younger daughter experience. She had a slightly serious boyfriend early in college ( at another school), but is now involved with a young man who has been one of her friends at her college.
She is so happy and centered, they really bring out the best in each other. I am so happy for her.</p>
<p>Aries, if that’s how your SO acts then he/she was likely not right for you. Mine is more along the lines of “Romani, don’t you have a geo test tomorrow? Shouldn’t you be studying instead of gaming?”</p>
<p>I would never encourage or discourage anyone from living together. It’s a highly individual choice. I just hate the broad sweeping generalities applied to it.</p>
<p>I see this as a future sticking point between my husband, my daughter and myself. I could see D3 doing this. I wouldn’t like it, but it wouldn’t change our relationship one iota. Her DAD on the other hand, would be livid. I hope for all of our sakes she strays away from that type of situation.</p>
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<p>I agree with this 100% (although the cynic in me says, if we didn’t deal in broad sweeping generalities, we wouldn’t have CC).</p>
<p>My own DD is considering moving in with her BF of almost two years. They are both college graduates with good jobs. They obviously love one another a great deal, but D does not want to get married “yet.” It’s their money and their lives - but D asked for my opinion.</p>
<p>I come from a generation and a geographical region where living together before marriage was frowned upon. I told D this (like she didn’t already know), but I also told her that as long as she considered all the possible ramifications (what happens if you break up? what happens if you need “more space”?) I would support her decision 100%. She’s a smart girl, an independent thinker, and not one to rush into anything without thinking it through. As romani said, it’s a highly individual choice…</p>
<p>So - not a college student any more, but just one step removed. And just to add one more data point - if it matters, she lived alone for the past two years.</p>
<p>I think it is very sweet that your daughter asked for your opinion, but perhaps unnecessary.
She sounds very thoughtful and mature.</p>
<p>Definitely unneccessary, but I was flattered that she asked my opinion (…as if she didn’t know what I was going to say…)</p>
<p>And it was clear that she was asking for my opinion - not my permission!</p>
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<p>Definitely the case with S1 and DIL. Both introverted, were so happy to find one another. The whole social thing improved significantly when they had the love and support of each other. They both had the same major, so knew about the other’s workload. DIL has branched out and found her own peeps and activities in their new city while S has some of his own outside interests. Wish DH and I had actively developed independent interests 30 years ago!</p>