"At the same time, going back to the op, I’ve never understood why people could be upset about what other consenting adults do that doesn’t affect me. "
As long as they are not hurting others or being malicious (as in lying to their partner to get what they want or something), I completely agree!
For women I think sometimes cohabiting can lead to more emotional pain. It’s not that big a deal so you don’t really examine your feelings first, and move in with the wrong guy. A couple of years later you have a painful breakup.
In my experience men are significantly more romantic than women. Women are more practical/ pragmatic.
I moved in with the first guy because I really liked him but he lived out in the boonies and my car was temperamental.
( woodinville only had one blinking red light)
I moved out so I could get to work easier.
I moved in with H because there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to live with and he had a lead on a fantastic apartment.
I blindsided my mom when I told her. She was coming through my college town on her way back to KY and while DH and I had just gotten engaged, she did not expect to hear me say I was moving to Philadelphia immediately!
My dad told me on my wedding day that he considered DH and me already married since moving in showed the intent and commitment.
I haven’t read this thread, but my 2 cents is that a parent cannot advise after the fact. Friends’ DD (never married) lived for a short time with her bf who was married before and was skiddish. They now are engaged and will be married very soon. They both have been in career jobs, both in late 20’s. Friend (Catholic) really couldn’t say anything after the fact - her DD just advised her of what they were doing. At least communication channels were continuing. DD didn’t ask mom for opinion (dad is deceased).
However SIL’s DD lived for 8 years to a guy that wouldn’t marry her. They broke up and within a year he married someone else. This gal’s younger two siblings are married (brother w/o co-inhabiting; younger sis co-inhabiting with same bf through UG).
There are people that live together, even have a child together, and fear marriage. Better to work out any relationship issues early, before complicating things.
In our current society, being bf/gf is often an announcement of a committed couple (often meaning they already are sexually active, but are in exclusive relationship). Otherwise ‘seeing someone’ is the term used.
Some people also use ‘engaged’ rather loosely. I look at engaged as a wedding date is set or imminent.
Dignity, respect, religious considerations.
When bf/gf, it doesn’t take an extremely long time to determine if ‘this is the one’. When H and I were in college, many men during that time had commitment phobia. I felt we knew each other well enough to either make a commitment or break up (towards end of our junior year; we were only dating each other). Told my family before college senior year that we would eventually be married. I was only girl introduced to his family, and they were thrilled with me. Due to family considerations (family event) wedding got pushed out; married now for 36 years. Engaged with wedding announcement. A ‘committed couple’ over two years before wedding date. We didn’t spend on ‘engagement ring’ as we acquired our first home a few months after our wedding; I got a nice diamond at our 10 year anniversary.
This logic baffles me… so you’re saying it’s better to just get married so that you can “lock” the other person into the relationship?
And you think that’s somehow healthier for the relationship??
Yes, that’s EXACTLY what I’m saying. 8-| lolz
OK, I came back because I feel bad for being snarky even though what I originally wrote I thought was really clear.
What I wrote has nothing to do with locking anyone down, myself or my significant other. All I’m saying is that if there were a major issue and I were living with someone, it would be easier for me or them to leave, IMO, because we weren’t married. However, if we were married, I would be forced to look at why I married this person and determine whether this issue really was a deal-breaker. Obviously, there are deal-breakers no matter what – and what those are might be different for each person – but if I am married and have kids with this person what IS a deal-breaker might change. And it’s the marriage, as opposed to living together, that causes a shift in my thinking and my willingness to “fight” for this relationship. If I’m being totally honest, for me, it’s kids more than marriage. Again, depending on the issue, I might pick up and leave a dh if I didn’t have kids with him because I can take care of myself, thank you very much, whereas how it might affect the kids would figure into the calculus of whether I would leave a dh and my kids’ father.
I will say I think it’s interesting that you went to a place of “locking” another person down. I’m talking about myself and my reaction to the person/situation.
I also want to say that I am appalled at the idea of “starter marriages.” That’s just gross, IMO. If the institution is that meaningless as to be disposable, I don’t know why you’d get married in the first place. I mean, I really do not care whether people get married or don’t, but why would you get married if it’s not that big a deal. And yeah, to me, marriage isn’t the same thing as buying a car. A starter car makes perfect sense. 
I have to add, as well, that I can’t believe how conservative I must come across in this post!!! I am so not.
I’ve read–though I can’t cite a source right now–that in many cases of living together, one person views this as a real commitment, with marriage as the probable result, while the other really doesn’t view it as “that big a deal.” So, I think there can be a disconnect between what one person in the relationship understands to be the level of commitment and that of the other person.
I’m divorced. For religious reasons, I am opposed to living together. I recognize that this is not the majority view and that, with a failed marriage myself, I live in a glass house. However, I have seen some ugly things happen when the couple has been together a number of years, and one really wants to marry and the other doesn’t. Sometimes the underlying issue is having kids. The “I want to have kids” partner wants to marry before having them and the other partner says “I don’t want to marry” instead of “I don’t want to marry because I don’t want to have kids and I know once I marry you, you’ll push for that.”
Now, I am NOT saying that it’s necessary to be married to make a real, life-long commitment. Obviously, there are people who do it. However, I do think it’s possible for two people to move in together and have very different expectations. One thinks “this is the first step towards marriage” and the other thinks “It’ll save a lot of rent.”
So they kind of drift along together for a while and then the one who wants a marriage finally realizes it’s not going to happen and thinks “Why did I waste X years of my life on someone who was never going to commit?”
I have known people who described their first marriage, as a starter marriage.
This was in retrospect, after many years.
I don’t think they took it lightly, but you can’t change the past, so why not learn from it, and smile?
( Im still on my starter husband, along with our starter house)
I married before I had finished my education, which I would not recommend, I think most people nowadays are more savvy than I was.
My BIL had two back-to-back marriages when he was 21-23, marrying too young and marrying on the rebound. Then he lived with someone 7+ years but with understanding it would never lead to marriage (he owned the house and she eventually moved out and moved on). When he dated my sister, he knew she would not live with him. They have been happily married now for a number of years. She has DD from her first marriage, who is grown.
It can go both ways on the commitment end. Both people go in with intention that marriage will work out, and do all the proper pre-marriage preparations (and work out any family issues, how to do finances, agree on children, and work out any religion differences).
If unsure on relationship, not really a good idea to move in together. One may decide to delay children but want children - however if one firmly does not want, that can be problematic on the relationship working.
jonri, that’s exactly what I meant by “Again, it’s not the living together; it’s what the arrangement might mean/doesn’t mean to each party” in my first post. Would that everyone is mature and has great communication skills and asks for exactly what they want, but, in my experience, most people aren’t there. So the party who moves in with someone hoping it will turn into more is sorely disappointed in the end.
Again, success stories abound where people move in together and it works out beautifully, whatever that looks like for them. But, for me, in my 20s, if I planned to live with someone it surely would mean marriage and so I’d get married.
ETA: ek, I can see that. Still makes me cringe a bit, but I get it in years-past retrospection. 
Fwiw, there is an enormous amount of literature around what living with someone “means” to the participants. The biggest indicator? Income. Lower income individuals are more likely to see cohabitation as an alternative to marriage. Higher income individuals are more likely to see cohabitation as a stepping stone to marriage.
I took a class with one of the leading Sociologists studying cohabitation and family formation/dissolution last year. There is really far more about this topic than I ever imagined could or would be studied.
ETA: Also, not-so-fun fact about the person who pushes arguably the most and most influential anti-cohabitation “studies” is David Popenoe, son of Paul Popenoe- generally considered the most influential American Eugenicist and the first national marriage “counselor.”
H and I were married 15 years before we had our first of two children. That was a bigger step for H than marriage. We moved 5X across 3 states in 6 years, and just took a while before I was ready for children. Both of us being Catholic, I had to play that card - must be open to having children (H’s mother asked for grandchildren on our wedding day, so he had no family behind his ‘no children’ ideas…) It was the fear of the unknown, but he wouldn’t take our kids back for anything. I was more committed to many things on their growing up years, but H has been a good partner and parent.
So the motivation needed to solve relationship problems should come from knowing that you are legally obligated to be with that person???
I think it’s more about both people being on the same page about how committed they are to the relationship, versus the ambiguity that living together can bring, as described by posters above.
romani, I would love to see a link to something accessible on the subject. The friend referenced earlier who is opposed to living together is an editor of academic journals among other things, and now I am kind of curious who she was editing.
YDS, I’ve referenced quite a few things. Could you be more specific? I’d love to share links- will attempt to find accessible things! (I always, always forget that most journals are pay. I am a spoiled academic.)
Oh, gosh, it all sounds interesting! I guess the socioeconomic stuff?
Will send you a PM to avoid taking this thread even more off track!
With regard to “test driving” sexual compatibility; does anybody know if the first years have…“staying power”…(for lack of a better word. ). It occurs to me that “sexual compatibility” evolves over time, and maybe not always on the same trajectory. Does compatible at year one or two reflect compatibility at year 20 and 30?
In any case, when I was that age, I dreaded the idea of making big decisions like what part of the country to apply to for a fellowship based on a relationship that might be over before the fellowship. Cudos to you who can tell that sort of thing! Or growing increasingly “dependent” (or what that meant to me at the time) only to have to re-learn how to do it myself. We will have our 25th anniversary this year, and we have been together 30, and I finally accept that I don’t like to drive in unfamiliar cities (like Manhattan, LA and San Francisco) and I am not going to “work on it”.