Long Distance Parenting

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>My son is now at BS, a decision he made to help deal with creating stability for his final 3 years of high school in the middle of my taking a new job out of state. In general, things are going fine for him at school. However, his last year in our old location he met and fell for his first girlfriend. Fast forward a year and we, his parents, are are responsible for making his life miserable because we’ve taken away “everything.” (When pushed, he really means “her”).</p>

<p>Up next, of course, homecoming at his old HS is on the same weekend as Parents Weekend at BS and we are “insensitive” to how important it is that he be able to attend the dance on Friday, 2.5 hours away, even though we have already made plans to be in the old town following PW events on Saturday and have said that he can spend all day Sunday with his gf, before we return him on Monday. We had also talked about the possibility of visiting during other holidays if we still have a place to stay.</p>

<p>Parenting from a distance is tough, and we all know that logic, love, and teens is a holy hand grenade for communication and rational thinking.</p>

<p>I realize this is Parenting101 and yet I need help and advice, even if just to air this. Do we let the long distance relationship play out? Do we strongly suggest that their next time together be a final farewell? Do we cut the visiting opportunities immediately? The Internet, text, and chat certainly makes this all a bit harder. Though I’ve always trusted him, now that he is far away, I’m concerned about him doing something stupid thinking that it would somehow change the situation. He’s not given any indication of that, but…I’m a parent. I worry.</p>

<p>Some background…
During the previous year, I lived apart from my family to make the transition to the new location smoother rather than have three souls caught up in a September storm of new job, no job, and new school. Almost every weekend I returned, largely to help my son go through the whole process of applying to BS (testing, visiting, interviewing, revisiting, etc.). For the past three months, just about every weekend has been taken up with moving, preparing our home for sale and the associated tasks involved in getting our son to and settled at BS.</p>

<p>He’s a teen, but I naively assumed that school breaks would offer opportunity for family outings and trips, as well as just downtime. Now it seems like it will only offer the chance for him to remind us of how much he hates us for upsetting his life. Now, there’s the gf issue to make matters worse.</p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

2

<p>You might want to start by explaining the situation to the house parent and/or advisor at his BS. </p>

<p>Given the level of his being checked out (to his gf), it probably means that he is not well engaged at his new school either. This could also turn into a problem as well. However, if he can get more involved at school with stronger bonds there, there won’t be as much bandwidth available for gf. </p>

<p>The adults at the BS should be helpful in getting him more involved with school.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t go out of your way to facilitate gf, nor would I ban her. And I would either switch subjects or end the call when whining about gf starts. He’s turning this into something that it is not by your allowing him to tag you with the blame. He can only be angry with you so long if you refuse to acknowledge his anger. Once he is over it (and gf is obviously a trivial piece of his past), you can praise his working through tough time adjusting and be the bigger person that a parent should be.</p>

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<p>Goaliedad has great advice. I agree that I wouldn’t choose to fight over gf. I would certainly not tell my son to break up with her, nor make obvious attempts to limit contact. I think that could backfire in terrible ways. For a sophomore at high school, if a relationship lasts for 3 months (IMHO), that’s a long-lasting relationship. Without daily, in-person contact, sooner or later one of them will initiate a breakup.</p>

<p>Have you spoken with your son about the family’s need for financial security? He may have a vision of returning to your former town, especially if the house hasn’t sold.</p>

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<p>Yes, I wouldn’t count on a long distance relationship lasting very long, so I would’t focus on it, but when it comes to family activities such as the ones on the parents’ weekend I’d negotiate and ask him to “grow up” and consider other family members’ needs and convinience on top his desire to spend as much time as possible with his gf.</p>