<p>My almost 18 year old daughter has never been asked to a school dance or out on a date. She has had zero attention from boys throughout her high school years. Based on that, I doubt she has had her first kiss, held hands with a boy or any of the other awkward firsts that most kids experience in their teens. Homecoming was a couple of weeks ago, and once again, she stayed home. It is truly a dating affair at her school and it is the rare person who attends without one. While I remain hopeful as each school dance approaches, I think she has resigned herself to the fact that she will not be attending. I guess after 10 dances you get the message that no one is interested in taking you. She no longer mentions getting a dress, having her hair done, nails, etc. You would never guess she is the one sitting home. She is cute and nice. She wanted to be asked. Her calendar had homecoming circled on it since the first week of school. Others always seem surprised to find out that she has never had any male attention.
So here is my question I doubt anything will change for senior prom later this year. Should I plan for a contingency family getaway that weekend so she isnt sitting home feeling badly about the whole situation? I have seen the tears and loneliness in her face over the years as these evenings come and go. I feel helpless. Before some of you say she should ask a boy we have been down that road before. She has made it clear that if a boy hasnt been interested in asking her, why should she ask him
.if he wanted to go with her, he would have asked her. Also, she said she didnt want her first date to be one where she asked the boy. Thoughts?
Thanks for your opinions</p>
<p>Luvsunshine, I could have written your post. It is painful and perplexing that our daughters seem to be getting overlooked. But I have been told by my D that a fix up is completely out of the question. I want so badly to help and there is nothing to be done. I guess you will have to take your cue from her if she would rather get away that weekend. Our school has a post prom party that mine will go to even if she doesn’t go to the dance. I’m still hopeful, however. Good luck!</p>
<p>It’s 2010! If your daughter wants to go to a dance, tell her to ask someone. Don’t sit around waiting to be asked!</p>
<p>In most schools, prom is for a specific grade (or maybe 2 grades). She can ask someone from outside her grade - they’re usually happy to go.</p>
<p>My son, who is gay, is the “go to” guy for all prom, homecoming and winter dances. He loves going to the dances, is very cute and polite, and everyone knows that he’s completely safe. Does your daughter have any gay friends she can ask? (My D also took a gay friend to prom, after she broke up with her BF of 3 yrs about two weeks before prom!)</p>
<p>Odd that you are experiencing dances that are almost exclusively “date events”…I have seen the exact opposite,girls going as groups seems more the norm then not…Not sure i’d plan a family get together at time of Senior Prom, that might be very obvious what you are doing,and could make her feel worse…Perhaps broach the subject as the prom nears</p>
<p>Best of luck</p>
<p>Does she have girl friends who are going? Maybe she could mention to them that she is looking for a date, and they could get a guy to ask her. I went to an all girls HS, so had lots of practice asking guys out, which continued into college. Many boys are pretty clueless, it really is best to take charge of the situation! The attitude that no one is interested in asking her, so she’ll sit home rather than be proactive would bug me. It sounds to me like she needs to learn to flirt a little, let guys know she is interested. Does she have outside activities where she might meet a boy who doesn’t go to her school that she could ask? Many kids around here go in non-dating, mixed groups, which I think is great.</p>
<p>just wanted to say:</p>
<p>I HATE HIGH SCHOOL (still) And I bet you dollars to donuts that there are at least a dozen sweet boys in her class DYING to ask her, but have not mustered up the nerve. The question is: how does one flush them out?</p>
<p>Hugs to your sweet D. This too shall pass.</p>
<p>I agree with all the responses, especially asking outside of the grade level. My S was a sophomore last year, and he had his pick of girls for the prom. He is involved in theatre and there were several senior girls currently without boyfriends. He and his friends let the girls know that they would be available. It was not about romance, but it was fun.</p>
<p>Is there an etiquette class anywhere close to you? It may seem outdated and quaint, but my friends’ quiet daughters have attended classes and they “learned to flirt” like a lady. They had to engage in conversations with boys and learn to break the ice. It may help her to talk to all people in a more confident manner. If worse comes to worse, are there no cousins or friends that have males that are near her age that could attend? As long as she understands that going is a good experience that need not be the most romantic night of her life, it can still be a magical experience.</p>
<p>Is the prom also “just for dates” or do people go in groups? Maybe she can plan ahead for prom and get a group of friends together, dates or no dates.
At my kids’ school, senior prom is one dance that even kids who have never gone before will try to attend. My D went with a mixed group of “nerds” who weren’t dating. They started with 6 people and had 25 more “strays” join by prom night–took up half a restaurant! (Funny, when I saw D’s group pictures, I noticed that almost all the students were foreigners. . .) That was D’s first/only HS dance. She was new/part-time at the school, but really wanted to go to prom. Had her hair, nails done alone and drove herself back and forth alone. That took some guts. She was gorgeous! </p>
<p>I’m not sure if you should plan another activity. Plenty of students (including me)never go to HS dances. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, or be overly sympathetic to her disappointment. If she really wants to go to prom that bad, she’ll find a way–ask a male (or female) friend, join a group, etc. Remember, most high school boys are immature and very nervous about asking girls out. It is becoming more common for girls to do the asking. I’m generally not crazy about that, but if it is just a friend to go to the dance with, there are probably a few guys who’d be happy to have her ask them. One more thing–Are you sure that your expectations aren’t making this more of a problem than it should be? (Were dating and dances a big part of your high school experience? Is she counting how many dances have passed-- or are you?)</p>
<p>None of my kids attended prom, and while there may have been some short-term regrets, all have managed to move on to have fine social lives. </p>
<p>Some alternatives: find a male friend in similar circumstances and go as friends with him, invite a boy from some outside activity like sports or music to go with her. I don’t think you need to plan a family weekend away…and who knows? Much could change in the next few months.</p>
<p>
Another suggestion along this line: is there a boy who doesn’t attend her school that she could invite (not ask, invite)? Somebody from church, or a club, or the child of friends, etc.? This can work out quite nicely.</p>
<p>she should just ask a guy and go have fun… or just go with a group of her friends. i doubt everyone will have a date</p>
<p>Maybe this is outside the culture of your daughter’s school, but what about a group of friends pairing off as dates. I am not sure if my son’s friend is the one who arranged for my son’s date at the prom or if his date asked him, but it was basically a subset of their circle of friends. No romances involved, just a fun evening. And if someone else hadn’t arranged it, I am pretty sure my son would not have asked anyone. He had a really good time, but it wouldn’t have happened without intervening forces. Boys can be clueless and really risk adverse. So maybe your daughter or her friends could arrange for a group of friends to pair up as dates. It isn’t really a “fix up” if it is a bunch of friends going out. Way back when the dinasours roamed the earth, my boyfriend who was off to college couldn’t come back for homecoming. I announced that I would go with whomever was interested and asked first. The quietest guy in the class asked me to go. I think he would have been too shy to ask anyone, but he knew he wasn’t going to be turned down. We had a great time and it sure was better than both of us sitting home. (And he actually asked someone out for the prom.) In this day and age, no girl should be sitting home because she is waiting for a guy to ask her.</p>
<p>My D asked a foreign exchange student her senior year. She felt the exchange students should have the full American High School Experience. They ended up having a great time. However, at our school it’s not such a date thing.</p>
<p>I am in the same spot, but on the other team (aka, a Dad observing my son)</p>
<p>I don’t think I could pay him enough to ask a girl to a dance. He went to a dance his sophomore year (girl asks), and they seemed to have a good enough time. But he has never gone to one since. </p>
<p>There are just parts of HS that he seems to have no interest in. We had a drag out shouting match when I told him he HAD to go to a football game. Now that he is a senior, I thought it would be nice if he had gone to even one during his HS years. He even knows guys on the team, which I thought would make it fun. But I lost that one.</p>
<p>S1 was part of an extended social group that went to dances in a pack, but S2 is not. </p>
<p>The difference between me an OP is that my child apparently doesn’t care. It would be heartbreaking to have a child who wanted to go, but the invite never came.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the responses so far:
- The dating culture may be unique to our part of the country - mid-size city in the South. She also attends a private school that is huge on “tradition”.
- She is a varsity athlete (and is being actively recruited for college) in a sport that both boys and girls participate in, holds a number of leadership roles at school, and would be viewed by all as articulate, normal and sweet.
- She has a large group of friends/acquaintances both from her school, church, and club sport - none of whom in the past have seemed at all interested in helping her find a date. in fact, boys have asked her about other girls and when she has said no one has asked her, the reply is “well, someone will ask you”. The girls are like - all the boys already asked someone.<br>
- These same boys who asked other girls have called her since the dance for help with schoolwork, to talk about their problems, college applications, etc. becuase she is the one they can talk to and rely on. But she isn’t good enough to take to a school dance.
So…I’m baffled…</p>
<p>I think it’s the wrong approach to say “she isn’t good enough” to take to the dance. If she wants to go, she may need to do something about it. Perhaps she should ask these boys who call her with their problems why no one has asked her to dances.</p>
<p>UT, I too have a son who will graduate never having gone to a HS dance, and not one bit interested in going to any dances. We were stunned that he attended one football game recently in his senior year.</p>
<p>I bought my daughter her homecoming ticket this year, as she was not going to go. Ended up having fun and claimed to have danced with a few guys. She even changed her FB profile pic to one with her & a guy (she has the same shot with the guy and 6 different girls, however!). She’s smart & quiet, so I think she intimidates some guys, but she swears she will have a prom date. I know several girls, however, last year that went as a group of friends. The pre-party & photo sessions are huge for our high school, so I’m sure she will try to get in a group. Compared to how it was when I was in HS, there are many couples among my daughter’s friends, most seem too busy or don’t care to date. In some ways they are much less mature about relationships than I was at the same age, when it was all about who you were going out with.</p>
<p>Is this the place where I pimp DS?
He would be quite a catch for some young lady.
Working @ a well regarded university.
Money in bank.
Dual BS engineering degrees. MS.
25yo</p>
<p>I am sure your lovely daughter will have many admirers in college. There is no accounting for the tastes of high school boys!</p>
<p>At our school, many kids go to prom without dates, as a group of friends. I know that is not the custom everywhere.</p>
<p>In the spring, my son’s friend Bob had a girlfriend at an all girl’s school. The girlfriend told Bob she had a very nice friend with no prom date. My son was very happy to go to prom with the three of them and they had a great time. If your daughter wants to go to the prom with a date, she could tell one of her friends - someone who has a boyfriend - to round one up for her. Maybe someone who goes to a different school.</p>
<p>Or my son could come down; it would be good for him to get some wear out of that tux we bought him. And he’s a more, ahem, prom-appropriate age! :D</p>