Looking for etiquette pointers for a bridal not-shower

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Opinions and suggestions welcome! My oldest d is getting married this fall. Our family is spread out over several states. I’d like to give a bridal luncheon – not a shower - this summer in the area where most of our relatives live, primarily so that two elderly ladies (including my 98 y/o grandmother) can participate in the wedding festivities in some way, since they won’t be able to make the 8-hour trip for the actual event. Somehow family members are already referring to this as a shower because in my family you don’t give luncheons, you give showers. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>I know that the hard-and-fast bridal shower invitation rule is that one only invites people who’ll be invited to the wedding. I know that another just slightly less hard-and-fast rule is that family members, particularly mothers, don’t give bridal showers – I guess because it seems as if you’re asking for gifts? I’ve never really understood that one but want to observe it so that no one thinks I’m even more clueless than they already do. (When I mentioned this rule to my grandmother once, she gave me a pitying look and said “But who else would spend that kind of money except a relative?” which I had to admit was a pretty good question. In the world I grew up in, nobody.)</p>

<p>The invitation will be for a luncheon and of course make no reference to gifts or registries (which I guess is frowned upon by some even if it is a shower invitation). The point of the event is to have an enjoyable get-together, get some pictures, and make two old ladies feel part of the festivities. My d has been independent for several years and doesn’t need a shower to set up housekeeping. </p>

<p>I could use some guidance with the invitation list. Because it isn’t a shower, is it tacky to invite anyone who isn’t invited to the wedding? My husband’s family is small, and I feel badly about inviting only my MIL and SIL to the luncheon. They’ve never liked my family much and I know MIL will feel put out if there are only two people from “her” side there, though she agrees that it’s not appropriate to invite distant relatives to the wedding. Dh has an aunt and three cousins who wouldn’t expect a wedding invitation and wouldn’t make the 8-hour trip if they got one. I know MIL would have a much better time if they were at the luncheon, though.</p>

<p>I have several cousins who’ll be invited to the wedding; they have daughters in my d’s age group who won’t be invited to the wedding because they truly barely know my d. Some still live at home. It feels kind of odd to send an invitation to only one relative in a household, although it makes sense from the viewpoint that I have a continuing relationship with my cousins but our kids don’t really know each other.</p>

<p>Finally – should I not name myself as the hostess on the invitation? We truly don’t expect anyone to come with a gift. I have a tin ear about this stuff and would appreciate any suggestions - many thanks!</p>

2

<p>If you don’t want anyone to bring gifts you can word the invitation to indicate that. I’ve put “your prescence is the present” on birthday party invitations. I would word the invite to say something like:
Please join us for a lunch celebrating d’s happiness on her upcoming wedding. Do not use the word shower and indicate no presents. Then it is all about this particular event not a companion event to the wedding. I would think this would clear the way to inviting the younger relatives. </p>

<p>As far as not having family members host a shower, I will host a shower for my friends daughters when the time comes, it is fairly common around here for the friend of the bride’s mom to host a shower.</p>

3

<p>Is there any way you can term this an engagement celebration? It’s completely appropriate for the bride’s parents to host such an event and would back it off a little from the wedding itself. I’m no etiquette expert but it’s very tricky to selectively pick relatives for a family celebration, especially if you know certain guests will be looking to complain. It is appropriate to invite guests in generational levels, i.e. your generation and above.</p>

4

<p>Make it very clear to the family members that it is not a shower, esp to the ones you think will be unable to believe this information. </p>

<p>Tell them all that the bride already has all the stuff she needs to set up house and giving her more is not needed, though you truly appreciate the intent.</p>

<p>Divert the good intentions by asking people to donate to an outfit like Heifer International in lieu of gifts (my D and her fiance did this). Give them the website, leaflets (can print) etc. </p>

<p>If everyone is hellbent on having a shower anyway, have you ever heard of a Reverse Shower? For a Reverse Shower, you get the place, and the food, and have the party where everyone gets together–but you also, in advance, contact the local womens shelter or organization that gets displaced women back on their feet and into apts instead of welfare motels (where we live it is called HomeFront and you can Google it). Tell them you would like to throw a shower for someone who is on the verge of being placed in an apt and ask what she needs.</p>

<p>The list is likely to be everything someone would give for a shower—blankets, towels, sheets, kitchenware, utensils, etc etc. </p>

<p>Invite people to the Reverse Shower and ask them to bring an unwrapped gift. Here is where the Reverse part comes in. Everyone loves watching the bride open the presents and ooing & aahing over the loot. Have everyone bring the gifts they are giving and after everyone gets to ooh & ahh, they wrap them in shower paper & ribbons, and write nice well-wishes on a card.</p>

<p>Everyone gets to eat nice food, have fun with each other, maybe play shower games if desired—and when your party is over, you load the wrapped gifts into a car and take them to the agency. You can also bring the rest of the shower if you are minded—other food, drinks, pretty paper plates, etc and then the person for whom all this is intended gets to have her own “shower” with the people there.</p>

5

<p>Can you just host a summer gathering (luau, BBQ, etc.) at a relatives home?<br>
This could be the opportunity for the elderly ladies to ‘meet and greet’ the young couple.</p>

<p>H and I did that this past summer. We live away from all my relatives and rarely get everyone to visit, but we would love to host everyone. We did just that but at my sister’s house - bought and prepared all the food/drink, cleaned up before and after.</p>

6

<p>Oh, I love the reverse shower idea!</p>

7

<p>Another way to make it seem less like a shower is to invite men as well as women.</p>

<p>If what you’re giving is not a shower but a party, any rule about not inviting people to a shower that aren’t invited to the wedding cannot possibly apply. </p>

<p>But I would probably just invite them to the wedding even if I didn’t expect them to come. My husband and I invited several people who we didn’t expect to come to our wedding, and we were pleasantly surprised when some of them told us they planned to come. </p>

<p>I also wouldn’t hesitate to put my own name on the invitation to a party I was hosting. After all, as it isn’t a shower and you don’t expect gifts, there is no problem with your hosting a party to honor whomever you wish.</p>

8

<p>Is there a way you can have the party be given by your grandmother? How sweet is that and no one would argue the point as to what was expected and who was invited.</p>

<p>When my husband and I were married we had already lived together for about 5 years and needed absolutely nothing so we each chose a charity and asked people to donate to one of our charities or one of their choice in lieu of gifts. We put this right on the invitation. It worked out very well. </p>

<p>My older daughter did the same thing for her Sweet 16, she asked people to bring donations to World Wildlife Fund, set up a box on a table with all sorts of flyers and posters. Her friends loved the idea.</p>

9

<p>First of all, CONGRATS frazzled!!! Thats wonderful news!!
The reverse shower idea is very interesting, but ya know, I think there are some relatives, especially the older ones who can’t travel, who will want to give your daughter a gift. Even if you write “no gifts” on the invitation, people will bring gifts. People may not understand the subtleties between an engagement luncheon vs shower. I probably would miss that, to be perfectly honest. I ma not sure I really understand the difference.</p>

<p>Invite whoever you want to invite. Its your event. As host, I think thats fine. And I thik its fine to put your name on the invitation-- “Mr and mrs John Doe invite you to joins us for a luncheon celebrating the engagement of…”" (will the fiance be there?? or is this for just the bride??) Invitation could say '" Mary is getting married and we are thrilled! We would love for you to join us for lunch celebrating her upcoming nuptuals""
or something . Maybe other posters can come up with clever wording. My forte is limericks, not invitations :)</p>

<p>*** ooh I like the grandmother hosting it idea. Thats sweet!!</p>

10

<p>Frazzled, just have an engagement party and invite folks to meet the happy couple. The reality is that no matter what you put on the invitations some folks are going to bring gifts. Even if you write “no gifts” or “Please make a donation to your favorite charity” or “Please bring a donation for the local food bank in lieu of a gift for the couple”…there will be folks that will bring gifts for the couple.</p>

<p>Just enjoy the party…regardless…and don’t worry about it!!</p>

<p>Congratulations.</p>

11

<p>Good ideas above - make it a girls/ladies-only engagement celebration luncheon, or something like that.</p>

<p>The only tricky thing is I don’t think you should invite anyone who will not be invited to the wedding, unless the wedding is to be a very small family affair and you make that clear to everyone present who won’t be invited to the wedding.</p>

12

<p>When I remarried, the last thing I wanted was a shower. We were both widowed, so we had two complete households of “stuff.”</p>

<p>But some friends hosted a “bridal tea” instead, where friends just came and celebrated my engagement/upcoming wedding :big:</p>

13

<p>A recipe shower is a nice idea for those who are already out on their own, and have no need of the traditional wedding shower gifts, ie toasters and the like. Have everyone bring a reicpe with an accompanying photo, and/or story about the recipe (where it came from, when it is served, and any other pertinent info about the recipe). As the hostess, provide an album to put them all in. You could even send the supplies with the invitations so that you know what to plan for in regards to album size, etc.</p>

<p>This way folks get to bring something for the bride to be. It’s a little daunting following a No Gifts edict…because everyone knows that someone will bring something really neat, and the rest are left wondering if they, too, should have ignored the rule.</p>

<p>Good luck. And I say the more the merrier. Make it simple, and inexpensive and invite all the relatives. You may reconnect your family members by doing so…</p>

14

<p>I love the idea of a recipe shower. I think jym’s wedding invite suggestions are just dandy. I think sometimes we overthink this. I also think it’s nice to let people who want to give something give something.</p>

15

<p>Call it the Frazzled Family Reunion,
Welcoming the newest members of the family to the most senior members of the family to come together</p>

16

<p>OK-- invitation in limerick form:
We are all beaming with pride
As XXXX will soon be a bride
It is our request
that you be our luncheon guest
and no gifts please or we’ll tan your hide!</p>

17

<p>Wow - thanks, everyone, for the great ideas and suggestions! I love the idea of a reverse shower but I’m not sure some of our older relatives would get on board with it. MIL, in particular, would be difficult about it and I’ve got a boatload of that already. :wink: I expect that my d’s bridesmaids will give her an actual shower, and I think they’d like the idea of doing something like this. It’s fun to buy household items, towels, kitchen stuff, etc. - but this couple doesn’t need them.</p>

<p>I also like the idea of involving charitable giving in a wedding celebration. My d and her fiance have decided that their wedding favors will be donations to a charitable organization, which they’re going to mention in a cute way on the place cards.</p>

<p>I LOVE the idea of my grandmother being the hostess, or maybe co-hosting with me! She’s remarkably with it for someone who’s about to turn 99 and I’m sure would be excited to see her name on the invitation (and of course all the responses and paperwork stuff would go to me). </p>

<p>We could invite luncheon attendees to the wedding - the only reason we hesitate is because we don’t want family members we rarely see to feel as if we expect them to undertake an 8-hour journey (or God forbid, that we’re angling for presents, which I’ve often heard people say when they receive an unexpected invitation).</p>

<p>mathmom, you’re right - some people overthink this, and I’m one. I like jym’s attitude - it’s my event, so I should do what I want. I’m not trying to offend anyone, and ideally no one will be. Starting to get excited - hope I don’t get so distracted that I forget to lose those 20 pounds so that I can wear something un-matronly. :D</p>

18

<p>

Oooh, thanks - our own jym626 original limerick! It’s cute and very appropriate (and you know I think this is a great second career for you when you get bored with your first one :)).</p>

19

<p>I got a million of them, frazzled!! I actually had several different ideas for the last line, but liked that one the best.</p>

20

<p>One is supposed to invite anyone who is invited to a shower or engagement party to the wedding. Some sources make exceptions for an office shower or something like that, where there is no expectation of an invitation. In your case, if you invited these relatives to the wedding, could you afford to take the chance that a few might actually surprise you and come, or are you also concerned about having to open the guest list up to many more people on the other side who are related in the same way? If you aren’t able to invite these people to the wedding, personally I’d leave them out. Your future in law should understand on that basis, or you could discuss it with her if you really think there is a chance she won’t understand. </p>

<p>As for gifts, it’s considered presumptuous to make any unsolicited reference to gifts, even expressing a wish for “no gifts,” on an invitation. Gifts are supposed to be voluntary on the part of the gift giver and as the recipient you aren’t supposed to dictate for or against, but be pleasantly surprised and gracious. It is customary, however, to ask the host or someone close to the couple to get an idea about their preferences, whether or not they are registered somewhere etc. Today, many people will refer you to the couple’s wedding website and an online registry. Or they may tell you about the couples’ favorite charity.</p>