<p>a luncheon for friends and family in honor of the engagement seems like a good solution. You can host it without tongues wagging and there are not the restrictions and expectations associted with shower</p>
<p>Yes, the websites are a great innovation, imho - they even cut down a little bit on printing costs, since directions can be posted on a website. Plus it’s fun to see pictures and read the guestbook comments, etc.</p>
<p>roshke, your points are those I was struggling with. Since it’s not technically a shower or an engagement party (fiance will not be able to make the trip), I wondered if there might be some leeway in inviting people who wouldn’t be able to go to a far-off wedding, in order to mollify my MIL and aunt, who’d like to see certain family members at any family get-together, including this one. We could afford to invite them to the wedding (we’re talking about another 5 or 6 people, who’d be invited “with guest” to the wedding), but that would bring its own awkwardness because, since my husband, kids and I never see them, they’d be puzzled to get an invitation for a far-off event. I thought they’d wonder if we were fishing for gifts by sending them a wedding invitation; they’d be less surprised to be invited to a local lunch.</p>
<p>I don’t know Miss Manners well, but I do know her standards for never mentioning gifts, even if you’re asking not to receive any. I’m sure she’s correct - she’s our generation’s manners maven, after all. 
But I personally welcome invitations that tell me what people want, or could use, and I never raise my eyebrows about it. I’m thinking about it from the host’s point of view - he/she is putting on an event that’s already taking up time, effort, and money - and then has the additional responsibility of telling respondents what the couple likes or where they’re registered. I realize that Miss Manners isn’t one to look for ways to streamline social obligations.</p>
<p>Just one example of why I’ll never write an etiquette book and could use all the help I can get here! :)</p>
<p>Ok. So it’s not an engagement party for reasons stated above.</p>
<p>How about something without a formal name? Your daughter will be in town; she wants to see family and friends and they want to see her.</p>
<p>There was a time when one could host a luncheon that was…just a luncheon. So, why not have a luncheon just because she will be there? </p>
<p>Please join daughter and me for luncheon on… at…</p>
<p>And leave it at that? I imagine you will get inquiries, but,you just state that daughter and grandma want to have the get together. No shower, no engagement party, just a gathering of friends and family</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You could include a handwritten note with those invitations, saying something like, “We understand that the distance makes attending very difficult, but we wanted to include you in the news of this exciting day!” or something to that effect (and better written).</p>
<p>Regarding presents, I believe the proper etiquette is that guests should spend about the same amount on the bride as the bride is spending to entertain them (if they can afford it), and those who do not attend are not required to send a gift at all. A nice card will suffice.</p>
<p>There once was a bride-- our daughter
Who doesnt need a thing you bought her
So please save the date
To come celebrate
And visit with your family like you oughtta</p>
<p>We’re throwing our daughter a luncheon
Where we hope you’ll be doing the munchin’
So come celebrate
and please don’t be late
and no gifts or we’ll be swinging our truncheon</p>
<p>(alternate ending) : please no gifts or we’ll be doing some punchin’</p>
<p>OMG, you crack me up!</p>
<p>Don’t encourage me, yds!!</p>
<p>Maybe what you really want to do is have a local reception of the wedding after the fact? That way the elderly relatives can ooh and ahh over photos. Would you be able to have something like a small local luncheon celebration a few weeks after the wedding?
Just a thought.</p>
<p>I like the idea of just a luncheon a la post no. 23. Or how 'bout a tea? I go to a holiday tea every year, and it’s a wonderful time to just get together and chat for a couple of hours. Food is simple – fruit and goodies.</p>
<p>I was going to sugget tea, too - there was a lovely thread about hosting an afternoon tea to celebarate a big birthday. Congratulations, OP!</p>
<p>Please come, we’re having a luncheon,
On the watercress sandwiches you’ll be a crunchn’
But if you dare bring a gift
It’ll cause quite a rift
And our knickers will be a bunchin’</p>
<p>Perhaps host a local party some time after the wedding, so more family could meet the groom? My office mate got married in Italy, with only a few guests. Her parents held a party at their home afterward, with videos of the beautiful wedding ceremony.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I must take friendly exception to this. The entertaining and the gift giving are completely separate. The hosts entertain as they wish, imposing no obligation on the guests beyond appropriate behavior. The giving of gifts is separate and dependent on the relationship to the bride and groom, resources, tradition, etc.</p>
<p>My gift for a friend’s daughter would be no different for simple backyard wedding than it would be for a gala event held in NYC.</p>
<p>
And I think we have a winner! 
</p>
<p>Love the idea of a tea as well - we’re also thinking about a Sunday brunch. It’s fun to have so many options but the time has come to reserve a room so I’ll have to stop dithering soon. Actually, I might ask the maid of honor, who is d2 and our family’s Miss Manners equivalent, to read this great thread and tell me what she thinks is best, then go with that. She’s the decisive type - directed the whole Running of the Brides escapade for her sister and wrangled a gorgeous gown for an embarrassingly small amount of money.</p>
<p>Many thanks to all for their ideas and especially to jym for the limericks!</p>
<p>I love the idea of a recipe shower/tea–especially since most of the invitees will be family members. Make sure the recipe in written in their own hand. I absolutely love using recipes given to me by my mother and her sisters. The cards are written in their own hand-writing and in their own ‘language’, not necessarily proper recipe lingo. </p>
<p>I’ve never gotten around to putting them in a ‘collection’ but that would be a great finishing touch for your bride…The “Jones” Family Recipe Collection!</p>
<p>You can scan all handwritten recipes and make a small hardcover recipe book on one of the photography sites. Costco Photo offers this service, and so do others.</p>
<p>I enjoyed a “shower” (thats what it was) where e not only all brought a recipe, but we cooked the dish and brought it to enjoy as well. That might not be appropriate for this function, but it was fun.</p>
<p>I also love the handwritten recipe idea. I regret not getting my mom and grandma to write down the recipes I loved as a kid. I am also in agreement with everyone who says call it a lunch/tea and don’t worry about the subsequent wedding invitation issue. No matter what you do, or don’t do, you can’t please everyone. Just take lots of pictures, and enjoy every minute!</p>
<p>
I agree 100%.</p>