<p>Received phone call from friend’s husband yesterday while at work that “mary” had passed away.
Mary had been fighting cancer for the last year and i knew it wasnt looking good.
Still, i was caught off guard since i dont usually pick up my personal cell at work unless i recognize the call is from my family.</p>
<p>I stumbled through the call, expressed how sorry i was a few times but mostly wanted to hang up asap.
I wonder now what i really said; did i sound like an idiot?
Mary and i have known each other about 15 years but were not close. We saw each other more during some times of year due to a shared interest. Rarely, we would meet for a quick lunch. Our spouses didnt know each other.</p>
<p>During her illness, we had become closer since i could visit her during her chemo on my lunch breaks.
Mary was an intelligent, well read person and we enjoyed talking on many topics. She was also a fellow frugal shopper so we liked comparing our finds of the week.</p>
<p>I did know last week she was re-hospitalized but i did not visit. Work and family stuff got in the way.
So, now i also have that horrible guilt thing that i should have been a better friend…</p>
<p>I will miss her. Her husband said she wanted no viewing. Im not surprised at that, she had this quirky streak and would not want to ‘waste’ the money or make a fuss. I’ll send a card to her husband and 30 yr old son but thats about it.
Maybe i could make a donation in her name?</p>
<p>Thanks for reading if you got this far. I needed to get this out somewhere i guess.</p>
<p>musicmom, I’m sorry for your loss of a friend. I think when someone passes, we always feel as though we should have done something better. Don’t beat yourself up about it. A donation in her name is a nice thing to do. My daughter who is a teacher had a visit from a parent yesterday at school to tell her that the parent’s husband had passed away the previous night. He had been suffering from a brain tumor for a couple of years and my D had taught all three of their children. It hit my D hard, knowing the three kids well and what they’d been going through during his illness. My H and I lost a friend last month to a brain tumor and know two others who are in end stages of cancer who may not even make it to Christmas. It’s a horrible disease.</p>
<p>musicmom, I’m sorry for your loss. You sound like a caring, compassionate person, and a note to the husband – along the lines of what you wrote in your original post – will help him feel better.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss. From my experience and observations, a feeling of guilt is very common after a death of someone we are close with. It makes sense; there always is something “more” we wish we could have done before time ran out. While you state you were not close, your description of the relationship says otherwise. You enjoyed each other’s company, you helped make her chemo sessions more bearable, you are someone she wanted her husband to call after she passed. She appreciated your friendship. If a donation is what you like to do, do it. I’d encourage you to share your memories/feelings about your friend in the cards to her husband and son. They will treasure your words.</p>
<p>Sometimes people become very uncomfortable with hospitals, illness, end of life issues, etc. I’d be willing to bet that some of Mary’s other friends bailed when it got to that point. YOU kept her company during her chemo visits, which probably meant a great deal to her and made you stand out as a friend in comparison with those who just couldn’t deal. </p>
<p>The fact that you were on some kind of list for her DH to notify says it all right there. You did good. </p>
<p>I knew this was the place to gather some hugs! Thank you all.</p>
<p>Mary did not have a big circle of friends or family. She lived locally, preferring to walk to places in out town rather than drive. She had worked in the small family business but was retired a few years. So, no coworker friends.
She only really mentioned other friends from many years ago that lived far away and she didnt see but rarely.
She was an only child and she and husband have one child, the 30 yr old son who only moved out on his own recently. Her life focused on her family and home and garden. Different than mine but we did connect pretty well.
Writing this it sounds like a sad life but i think it was what she wanted and felt comfortable with.</p>
<p>I like the idea of including some of my memories to her family in a card. I think i will do that.
Thanks again for the support.</p>
<p>My H’s brother died suddenly 6 years ago. I kept all of the condolence cards without telling H that I kept them. At some point, a couple of years after the death, H mentioned that he wished he could remember what people had said at the time of his brother’s death. I pulled out those cards and he read them over. They touched him again.</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters what you said in the phone call or in the card, as long as it is sincere. The family will know that you cared.</p>
<p>So sorry. It sometimes can take awhile to come to grips with the fact that someone- even if not a close friend- is truly gone. A donation would be a lovely gesture.</p>
<p>So sorry! I may be in the minority but I’d send flowers–her husband probably won’t get many (if any) and they really do help one’s spirit more than a donation.</p>
<p>You did the right things- this is what this forum is for as well. It sounds like you were an important, good influence for “mary” when she needed you in this stage of her life. You both benefited from the experience. I second/third… the idea of writing about her to her husband. You are also grieving now- she had an impact on your life, plus we are always reminded of our own mortality when someone we know, however tangentially, dies. Add this experience to your life’s repertoire, you had an enriching experience. The time was right for you two- no worries about not being friends when healthy, that was then, this was the right thing for both of you.</p>
<p>Hope you get what I mean- hard to put into words. Do enjoy the rest of the holiday season as well.</p>