Lowly state school student

Parents Forum
1

<p>Although I was accepted to several prestigious universities (including an Ivy), I was forced to attend a state school five minutes from my home because my parents did not feel that I was mature enough to be far away (you will just have to take my word for it that this is not true!). However, I am struggling to be happy about where I am going. My friends and teachers seemed to look down on me for this decision, friends especially thinking that they would be growing up more or learning more at their expensive out of state privates. I had one friend tell me that everything would be so different at her school and she would change so much, but she expected me to be the same because I was just going to “grade 13”. Ouch! Of course it does not help that the reason I am attending is because of my presumed lack of maturity - I felt my stomach twist in knots when my mother said she was so glad that she could drive by me every day on her way to work. Yuck.</p>

<p>I want to not care what other people think, but I sometimes wonder if they’re right :(. It is hard for me to start to love my new school with all of this baggage, with everyone telling me it is so inferior. What can I do? FYI it is a Top 20 public university.</p>

2

<p>Well first of all I don’t know why anyone would think going to a state u is more appropriate for an immature person. If anything, it’s a pretty “sink or swim” place. My son had a friend who went to a small private school, and one day he decided to sleep in instead of going to class. His professor, noticing he was gone, had someone from the class run over to his dorm, wake him up, and bring him in. Now THERE’S where you parents SHOULD have sent you! ;)</p>

3

<p>I agree with doubleplay. The smaller schools pride themselves on being more “nurturing” which can be interpreted as “babying.” At large universities, students must be more self-reliant in terms of seeking advice, choosing classes, turning in work, etc… </p>

<p>As for your mom, she won’t be able to drop in any time she chooses. I could not get past the front door of my S’s dorm if I wanted to drop in on him, and his schedule and mine don’t mesh very well. I got scolded once for calling him at 11am on a weekend. Did not repeat that mistake!</p>

<p>Oh, and if you will be attending a top 20 public university, it will not be “lowly!” don’t shortchange yourself or your school.</p>

4

<p>What can you do? A few suggestions:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Consider this idea: one sign of maturity is when you begin to separate
yourself from the opinions of others. You might be feeling a bit oversensitive
to what your friends are saying, but if it sounds like you’re reporting it here,
they are the immature ones, and snobbish, too. I shouldn’t say all that, since they are your friends and you’ll rise to defend them, but really, their comments are uncalled for and show their limited scope. They’re excited and burbling over, and you can’t share that with them, so it must hurt to hear.</p></li>
<li><p>I hope your Mom was kidding. I really, really hope so. If not, I think you need to tell her it will absolutely hurt you, socially, to have to be seen strolling down dorm halls in your jammies with her on any regular basis. If she pipes up with that again, how about, “I hear college students are VERY busy.
So let’s agree I’ll take the usual holidays that college kids enjoy, but not more than that, so I can become more mature. If I need your help, I’ll call you.”</p></li>
<li><p>Is there a Dad in the picture? Sometimes they understand the need for independence a little bit better. If you can share this with him, maybe he can talk some sense into her? But if they’re estranged, don’t even try. In that case, is there an aunt or anyone she’ll listen to about college norms? </p></li>
<li><p>Understand that now is the most painful time for all of this talk among friends. When they depart, and you meet new people at your own university, it will become much better. You will have your own life to embrace. Look forward to the unknown friends you will make. And knock yourself out academically, too.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>5.Your friend called it “Grade 13” and you made it your screen-name? Do NOT let others define you! Paint your own canvas! Come back under a new screen-name, I hope to meet you as YOU :)</p>

5

<p>If it’s any consolation, I have several piano students who attend the local CC, live at home, and work part time. They are the most mature and “together” young people I know, and that includes my sons and all their friends. They just didn’t have the resources to “go away” to school.</p>

<p>Last night we were waited on at a restaurant by a nice young man who attends CC, and this was his “4th job”. He also works with kids who are autistic and have cerebral palsy, and he’s studying to become a special ed teacher. I was so impressed by him!</p>

<p>You may not see it as you are young and too much “in the middle” of all this, but those snotty little friends of yours do not know what they’re talking about.</p>

6

<p>

</p>

<p>Your friend said this and, supposedly, you are the one who is immature?</p>

<p>I think that it shows a good deal of maturity to begin this thread.</p>

<p>Set limits on your parents. Absolutely do not allow your mother to see you “every day” or anything approaching that.</p>

<p>At any school, your education is what you make of it. At your school, you will have many opportunities to learn and grow. If you bring a superior attitude and superior effort to your education, you will get superior results and superior experiences. Forget about your friends’ immature and uninformed comments and go for those superior results and experiences!</p>

7

<p>Dear grade13: I am very sorry that your parents made this decision for you in this way. I can imagine how this hurts right now, especially being told you are immature. However, since this is where you are now, you can’t go back and change it. I would like to offer you some things to think about:</p>

<p>1) People often project their attributes, especially their negative attributes onto to others. I want to stress that you don’t sound immature to me at all, but it is possible that your mother is immature and can’t bear to be separated from you. I might interpret her comment that way. Some families have the kind of dynamic that doesn’t allow its strong members to go off. Since this decision was made you don’t have to compound the hurt by believing you are insecure.</p>

<p>2) Perhaps this was all your parents were willing to pay and didn’t want to disc uss this with you.</p>

<p>3) Through very convoluted circumstances I ended up at a public college not as well-ranked as yours even though I had stats etc. to attend a much more prestigious institution. I had to watch less qualified class mates attend schools that made me drool. However, there were benefits:
I graduated with a 3.8 GPA; 3.9 in my major (a humanities major difficult to
earn these grades in)
I was the only person to graduate with honors in my discipline.
I met a dear mentor who changed my entire life.
I met my beloved first husband.
I developed a second major in a dept. with cutting-edge curriculum.
*Perhaps most important, I WAS ACCEPTED INTO AN IVY GRAD SCHOOL.</p>

<p>I chose not to go for very complicated reasons, but in 1987 my dissertation was named best of the year of all US humanities dissertations by University Microfiche.</p>

<p>Now, I don’t teach at a prestigious institution either, but I have come to accept the fact that I just am not a “brand name” kind of person.</p>

<p>his may be true of you, or you may go to Harvard for grad school debt free. The sky’s the limit. Go for it!</p>

<p>The more I observe, the more it seems that there is something providential about college placements. I don’t think Providence has excluded you. Maybe a dear mentor or darling husband are waiting for you too. I can’t guarantee I would have proced these results at a more elite institution.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

8

<p>Don’t underestimate the value of your in-state public university’s tuition vs. a private university. If it’s a top 20 university, you’ll do great, if you change your attitude. Give it your very best and try to be open minded. Transfer if it’s just intolerable.</p>

9

<p>

…Amen.</p>

10

<p>Your college experience will be what you make it. If you have the right attitude, you will have a very positive & wonderful experience. I agree that your mother might have trouble separating from you … or finances might really be behind the situation … or “whatever.” Heck, maybe you are immature to some degree … that would be normal!! I know my very intelligent daughter is immature … and that is simply an observation of her current state, not a put-down. She will learn and grow as she faces the challenges of college, just as you will. </p>

<p>I do understand your disappointment, but I also agree with mythmom about Providence. My advice is to get excited about the wonderful new experiences that are soon to come your way. Why not join a Facebook group for your school? You can meet some people & begin to look forward to living on a college campus.</p>

<p>Remember that your mom loves you, and be kind to her … but make sure you carve out a positive experience for yourself at your school. Bloom where you are planted … heck, I blossomed at a tiny school located in the armpit of America, less than an hour from my home. It’s all in your approach …</p>

11

<p>Remember that your friends who are putting you down may be facing insecurities and fears of their own and using you as a springboard. If they can denigrate your “close to home” experience, theirs become more attractive. I hear a lot of fear in your friend’s comment that she will change and you will not - she fears the changes, she hopes you will be an anchor to her old community… (never mind that you have your own wonderful future independent of her need for a home base!)
Don’t forget that the vast majority of people don’t go to the “average” CC college - they work their way through the local state U and go on to great things aftward. My H and I graduated from a university that is never on these boards, but have had great success in careers and life.</p>

12

<p>I also think it was brave of you to post. It can be intimidaqting here on CC where everyone seems to be attending or qualifying for a spot at at school that only accepts 11% of its applicants.</p>

<p>My DDs have good stats but are seriously considering the newest CSU in California. It is relatively unknown and unproven but for one of my girls in particular it’s an excellent fit. My point is to echo what other moms have shared. Carve out your niche and make your chosen school the best it can be. Prestige Schmestige, the quality of an individuals life is really not all that closely linked with their undergraduate college choice. There are fantasticly happy folks who got a GED and went to heating and air conditioning school and there are atrociously miserable people with BAs from Stanford and law degrees from Yale. Your life is what you make it and like an previous poster said, don’t let that “grade 13” comment define you. </p>

<p>Have a blast! Try something new, play an intramural sport you have never tried before. I highly reccommend intertube water polo and maybe auditioning or working sets for an on campus production. Step out of your comfort zone and show that “friend” who grows and who doesn’t.</p>

13

<p>that was good stuff :-)</p>

14

<p>it irks me when “friends” aren’t supportive of what life hands people- sometimes its a perfect plate, sometimes that plate doesn’t appear to be what you need or want, and sometimes the plate stinks, but in this case, it may not be your ideal (at this point) but that doesn’t mean it can’t be great place to be, depends on what attitude you have going in</p>

<p>I understand your frustration, but so long as you are dorming it (and not to say there is anything wrong with commuting), but college can be a million miles away or across the street emotionally for many people- you can sparkle and shine at your school even if its across the street and be really independent (don’t go home but once a month at most), or you can be clingly at a school on another coast- homesick, still dependent on old friends for everything, etc, your college experience will be what you make of it</p>

<p>and as others have said, look at the sources of the snooty remarks, and sometimes socalled friends don’t much act like it…so dismiss what they are saying and decide that you will go into this with an open mind and heart</p>

<p>if you think well, I am going to transfer, cool, but know that you need to live for today as well as the future, and you will do better gradewise for transfer if you are happy where you are</p>

<p>you may find you love this school, but if you go in irritated and mad, well, seems you are smart enough to know that is not a good thing</p>

<p>so, when mom says, hey, I can drive past you, say, yeah, cool when I visit once a month, so will all my laundry!!!</p>

15

<p>Grade13, don’t worry about what others think of your decision. I too am going to a school that is 10 minutes away from home and is never mentioned on CC. My family was totally supportive, but when I told some of the students and faculty at my high school about my decision, they gave me looks like “What the ****? Are you crazy?” That hurt me for a while because I thought these same people would be happy for me no matter what. But I had to do what was best for me. I know all about the “disadvantages” of staying close to home and not going to a higher tiered school, but I was happy with my decision. And besides, I know in my heart that I will be successful no matter what. That’s all that matters.</p>

16

<p>Thanks a lot everyone. I know prestige isn’t important to success. It’s just…so frustrating that everyone looks at it as me “going down a level.” Like suddenly I’m at the bottom of the academic/intellectual pool just because of where I am going to college. I don’t like people thinking they’re better than me OR better off than me. Yes, it did irk me that my friends were not supportive of where I was going, instead almost gloating about their “success” and my “failure.”</p>

<p>ALL of these posts really helped me put things in perspective and be more cheerful about my prospects (I read through every single one, and most several times). I’ve been reading posts on the Parent Forum and I knew you all would have something wise to say :). </p>

<p>P.S. My parents are both from lower class families, commuted to college, then “made it” in business and are now very successful. Money might have been a motivating force, or more likely even a derision towards prestige. I was brought up around snotty friends with snotty parents. Sometimes it’s hard identify with my folks, even if they are the most down-to-earth of the people around me! Oh, and Mom will not be dropping in…just driving by.</p>

17

<p>grade13, I once had a friend who made comments about who I married, and why in the world was I pregnant AGAIN…and it indeed was very hurtful and mean</p>

<p>well, 20 years later, I have two amazing girls, a great home, 3 (hopefully) 4 dogs, a loving husband (same guy) and she has had 2 divorces </p>

<p>those kids who made snooty remarks, well, wish them well, but sometimes, well, you get my point</p>

18

<p>Here are couple of “lowly state school” grads off the top of my head:</p>

<p>Linus Pauling - Oregon State
James Watson (of DNA fame) - Indiana</p>

<p>Both are among the greatest scientists of the 20th century and both are Nobel laureates.</p>

<p>Or if you prefer showbiz to science, think of Steven Spielberg - Long Beach State grad.</p>

<p>I could go on. The list of great and famous state school grads is endless…</p>

19

<p>If this so-called friend is referring to your school as the 13th grade, or implying that you will not grow as much or accomplish as much as she will, then the pressure’s on HER. If she has the advantage when it comes to college, then let her put her money where her mouth is and see what she’s accomplished a few years down the road. You’re obviously bright. Try to take advantage of the best your school has to offer, and try to not to focus on it’s proximity to home. Hopefully once you get involved with your teachers and classmates this won’t be such an issue. There will probably be plenty of other bright kids who chose state U. for financial reasons. It’s unfortunate that your mother seems to be boxing you in, though.</p>

<p>My brother was recently telling me about an old friend of his, and seemed so impressed that the guy had an IQ of 180 or some such claptrap. All it made me think was “then he’s a huge underachiever!” Make the most of what you’re offered. I bet you’ll go far :)</p>

20

<p>g13, please disregard your ridiculous friend. You will find lots of new ones at your new school. For a lot of them it will be their first choice school and a dream come true to be there. Focus on the positives. Buy a t-shirt and wear it with pride. </p>

<p>BTW, of the top ten grads in my S’s class all but one went to State U’s BY CHOICE because they are good schools that they liked. Clarification…the Val. went to a well regarded private and was very unhappy there and transferred to state u. after one semester. She loves the state u. and is planning for med sch. The one who didn’t end up at a state u. was a recruited athlete at an Ivy. She is doing fine too. Everbody finds there place and there is more than on right place.</p>