<p>Its a fact I dont deal well with surprises. Many people on the spectrum dont.
If the person in question wants me there, then they need to give me a warning, otherwise I am liable to overload and leave, which I have, and perhaps that is what they wanted anyway.
( when certain members of my family get together, they become very catty and hurtful, and I really didnt want that to deal with)
It is about Ds reception, but it isnt someone who would be hurt, they were just going to attend to give someone else a ride. But they changed their mind and wont be attending.</p>
<p>My bigger issue is that when I asked point blank if someone was someplace, they said yes, with details.
Later they said they were not and acted like I misunderstood them.
It wouldnt have mattered to me either way, but I wondered why they lied.</p>
<p>There are lies of omission and commission. There are conflict avoiders. I don’t see where not telling you everything is in anyway, shape or form a lie regarding the social event. It is not the other person’s responsibility to shelter you from the world. Nor is it anyone else’s responsibility to have to consider your abilities to deal with normal situations. Only your parents when you were a child had that responsibility.</p>
<p>It is your job to deal with it. You need to find ways to politely leave when you are overwhelmed without telling any lies. What you say depends on how well you know the others- family and close friends should understand you “hiding in a corner” or otherwise protecting yourself from too much. If they don’t- it is their problem, not yours. Others will learn that you don’t stay long or try to be “the life of the party”. Those with nasty remarks aren’t worth your time explaining to over and over. There are conditions such as the one you apparently have that are known to have social ramifications- if they disparage current thinking it is their problem, not yours.</p>
<p>You have to realize the world does not revolve around you and your ability to handle situations. No one should be burdened with needing to plan their events around your desires or needs. It is your job to cope. Leaving early before you are overwhelmed is the way you can cope. Unless it is your birthday party or anniversary party I can think of no situation where your wishes/needs take precedence. If you have a “health care professional” (whatever) involved you might talk to them about your coping strategies- perhaps just leaving is best, or they may have ideas that haven’t occurred to you. Should you challenge your comfort zone? Ask that as well.</p>
<p>Another potential issue is your perception and or memory of events and conversations. The other person may not have intentionally “lied” or they forgot what they said. Many of us speak as we think and let past conversations leave us quickly. Some things that bother you are not on their radar- they are oblivious to them. It is hard to be more tuned in to things than those around you. It is also frustrating when others have a different, conflicting approach. Warning- this leads to H-W arguments, sigh.</p>
<p>Believe me, no one is taking into consideration my expectations or feelings.
I was actually referring to people that get pleasure from saying rude things to me which are predictable. ( about my weight, or why I don’t have a better job etc)
I like to prepare in my head how to respond before hand.</p>
<p>If I tell a lie, it’s to spare someone’s feelings. I might not be correct in making that judgement, but sometimes I’d
rather not take the chance if the person I’m talking to is especially sensitive.
I’m thinking, for instance, of my mom. Very much along the lines of the “Do you think I look fat?” scenario. Or answering, “Things are fine,” when she asks, when they may not be. I also will omit details of my kids’ lives that I know will upset her. She will ask questions that are really none of her business, and she’s very judgmental, so I find myself sometimes being less than honest.
So yes, it’s partly to spare her feelings and partly to spare myself the drama. I feel that if I were 100% honest with my mom, we’d have no relationship at all, and I know she wouldn’t want that. </p>
<p>I don’t ask questions of my kids either.
I let them lead the conversation.
& I know better than to ask someone if they think I look fat!
But when people tell me I shouldn’t sit in that chair because I might break it ( I’m a 6-8) or how if I earned more money my husband could afford a nicer car/toys, I dont know what to say.
When I don’t say anything, they ramp up the statements, but when I have a comeback they leave me alone for a while.</p>
<p>I never respond to provocative statements and move along to another conversation cluster. Responding is giving the provocateur what he/she wants, and only serves to escalate the matter. I have always said that those who were born with a “thick skin” have an advantage in life. I wasn’t but have learned to develop one. I agree with other posters that you have to find workable ways to navigate situations like these. Everyone encounters them, none of us are spared difficult people.</p>
<p>If you know/knew that you will encounter this difficult person anywhere, it’s a good idea to work on responses ahead of time so that for future encounters you are prepared. You then won’t need a heads up every single time you are faced with this. One of the comebacks to such comments that I’ve seen is, “Really? Why would you say that?” and walking away. Or just stare, then walk away. Or say, “That’s not how I see it.” and walk away.</p>
<p>But the fact is that we all have to deal with unpleasant people. One of the siblings I mentioned above is one of them for me. I correct him if it’s a “fact” he thinks is true. I challenge him when it’s really egregious, and I ignore other things. And I talk to him a lot less than I used to. </p>
<p>As for forgetting/not forgetting/misunderstanding, it can happen when one is busy with details and planning and talking to many people about many things. I just had to deal with a pretty bad snafu at work because my boss forgot to tell me a pretty critical thing that she was SURE she had shared before leaving town. And it’s still not completely fixed. I’m going to assume she is not trying to make my life more difficult but genuinely does not recall NOT telling me. </p>
<p>Many years ago I read Sissela Bok’s book, “Lying” which made a great case for truthfulness at all times. I became a convert and went from being a frequent liar to lying extremely rarely. I found that it was much easier and it felt better to tell the truth. In the vast majority of cases people understand anyway. “I’m so sorry, I just spaced out and left the house late” works just as well as “I ran into traffic.” “I know I said I would be there but I’m really exhausted and could use a night at home” works as well as “I’m sick.”</p>
<p>I find in most cases it’s possible to tell the truth without hurting people’s feelings. It’s rare that someone asks a direct enough question that you can’t be both truthful and kind in answering. Q:“How do you like the dress I bought specially for this occasion?”(that makes her look big as a house) A:“It’s the most beautiful shade of blue!”</p>
<p>When I was a very young lawyer, I picked up from one of the partners who had little kids that when you leave the office for a kid thing, you say that you have an appointment or meeting out of the office. It sounds a lot more business-like to say you have a meeting out of the office first thing in the morning (implying that it is for a business purpose) than that you need to meet with the math teacher about little darling’s poor grades. Is that lying?</p>
<p><<<
My husband knows his family is rude to me, but he wont call them on it, so he won’t tell me if they are going to be someplace because it makes me anxious beforehand.
<<<</p>
<p>Hmmmm…there must be a way to shut these folks down. You’re a smart cookie…you need to have some carefully worded retorts in reserve that will not only shut them down, but leave them too fearful to say anything else.</p>
<p>what kinds of things do they do/say to you?</p>
<p>Oh, here’s one I must confess. I have told my chronically late sister that an event started earlier than it actually did, so there would be some hope of leaving on time. Is anyone else guilty of a similar offense?</p>
<p>lol…we told MIL that she had to be at the church for pictures at 9am when we got married, when she really only had to be there at 9:30. …and we had relatives drive her to help get her there .</p>
<p>just to clarify…she was soooooooo late to H’s two siblings weddings that she actually walked into the church during the vows…and that was after both ceremonies were delayed in hopes that she’d get there.</p>
<p>At her grandson’s wedding two years ago, she arrived at the end of the ceremony. </p>
<p>My husband sets various clocks ahead to fool himself. But I find it irritating that he sets the alarm for 3:30 when he doesn’t get up till 4am, and then the clock reads 4:45am.</p>
<p>Oh no. Telling a person who is never on time that something starts earlier than it does is not a lie. That is a special well known time zone. It’s Joes time or Janes time; but it does not in any way constitute a lie!</p>
