<p>OK, so I’m close. </p>
<p>leanid = male, technical US citizen, likes bidets. Hoards dollars.</p>
<p>(just kidding 
)</p>
<p>Gold would be a better choice. ; )</p>
<p>Me with Kluge. He does not yet realize that I have blaster aimed at his crotch.
<a href=“Alien: Resurrection (1997) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Alien: Resurrection (1997) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>I also thought cptofthehouse was a guy. My bad! I should have realized who rules the roost!</p>
<p>driver…back in the day: <a href=“Latest Stills - IMDb”>Latest Stills - IMDb;
<p>Me consoling Ariesathena: <a href=“Aliens (1986) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Aliens (1986) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>Spending too much time on CC: <a href=“Alien (1979) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Alien (1979) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>Kluge, again. <a href=“Galaxy Quest (1999) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Galaxy Quest (1999) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
and again, what a knucklehead. <a href=“Alien (1979) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Alien (1979) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>My father’s family had land and several houses, barns, etc. between Bernardsville and Mendham, NJ. But I doubt anyone knew what exit they were near. The land was sold, and turned into a housing development. I haven’t been back in 20 years.</p>
<p>There are more ways than one to be a Jersey Girl. ;)</p>
<p>And no, anticipating the reaction, I don’t think I act like a terrible snob in any way that you would notice IRL. An anonymous Internet board is just a quick hit of ego fix telling a lot of people who don’t know me what an upper-class family I come from. As though it matters…Because now I’m a working slob. First person “in trade” since the 1800’s.</p>
<p>Carry on.</p>
<p>Wow…I’m a duh too! I just finally decided to read this thread as well. I guess everyone figured out I was female from the mom thing, but I’m serious considering changing my handle to IDmom instead of LDmom to eliminate all the confusion. :-)</p>
<p>Love all the mental pictures…more please!!</p>
<p>I am not a Jersey Girl. For some years the only time I spent in Jersey was traveling back and forth from our house in Da Bronx to school in Philly. Later on, however, I worked in Jersey (Bloomfield) for a while.</p>
<p>I also have never been tall or handsome, least of all resembling either Johnny Depp or Rutherford B. Hayes. . My career as an athelete lasted only a year and a half (but it was a great time).</p>
<p>
[quote]
Sometimes it takes awhile to meet the right person.
[quote]
I married even later than this poster but decline to give anyone, least of all AA, any marital advice.</p>
<p>My understanding is that mini is a couple.</p>
<p>P.S. I am male.</p>
<p>
That alone tells us that Leanid is a guy! It is cynical when it makes you miserable. I don’t buy the idea that caring for the happiness of another gives you internal joy - such a guy thing to say, usually to women. I do think that, as a human being, my happinenss is important. I am simply tired of the notion that it should be like the moon - a reflection of the joy of others. It’s a completely passive way of looking at emotions, and it’s also entirely cynical to suggest that a person should not have her own joy in life. I simply derive no joy from making others happy when they have no concept of the fact that I might actually be capable of emotion and their actions might actually have some effect on those emotions.</p>
<p>
Not always - maybe - and never without something in return. Been there, done that. Had men be very happy and tell me that they love me, when I can’t respond, because all I’m thinking is - if you died right now, I don’t think I would care. There is only so long that a sentient human can go like that.</p>
<p>I wonder about the men who think that women can live their lives for others and be blissful. Happiness takes many forms. How long could you go, sexually, only focusing on the happiness of your wife, with none to you? How long could you go, in a marriage, without any sexual satisfaction - with you touching her, but her not responding? With everything you do bringing her joy, but has no physical effect on you? A week or two? Not a lifetime, and no rational person would suggest that the set-up should bring anything but misery and lonelilness to you. Yet, it is somehow not just acceptable but “noble” to tell women to conduct their emotional lives in that manner. Sick.</p>
<p>Marriage just isn’t so black and white Aries, and life is a long one (we hope) to choose to be alone. I also think some women are too dependent on their husbands, but perhaps it works for them, even those whose emotional lives might be not what you would like for yourself. </p>
<p>But there are many shades of grey in relationships…you are only seeing two extremes: dependence and independence. Trust me, many of us have much more independent relationships than that, and fully value the connection of marriage.</p>
<p>But hey, I didn’t want to get married in my 20’s either. That changed! :)</p>
<p>Well, I guess the question is: What makes you happy? The only happiness I have ever found, and continue to find, is when I am thinking of others’ rather than my own happiness. It really works. The reason? I don’t get hurt when I am more concerned with others than myself.</p>
<p>I also know the endless pain and disatisfaction that comes when a life is lived for itself only. And, I am still subject to that kind of selfishness – maybe I always will be – but, if I am open to it what it is telling me, it does serve as a reminder that I am not where I want to be…</p>
<p>I should add that besides not getting “hurt” there is a feeling of well-being and a wholeness which comes from directing one’s (good) energies toward others.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Marriage or a committed partnership is simply <em>not</em> like this for EVERYBODY, aries. I think that on some level, you want to believe that it is because that makes it easier to denounce it in a blanket fashion without harboring serious doubts. </p>
<p>I have actually known (and fortunately enjoyed relationships with) several men who have truly put my happiness above their own, who have given of themselves in every way (emotionally, financially, sexually) without demanding parity at every turn. The truth is, relationships are all about compromise, and if one is unwilling to do this, then perhaps a relationship WOULD be a bad idea.</p>
<p>I do think, though, that it is neither fair nor productive to paint all men with one broad brush, just as it is unfair to paint all women that way. </p>
<p>Please don’t think that all of us who have “settled” for marriages are selling ourselves short or spending our lives catering to unresponsive partners…trust me, we AREN’T! ;)</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>
A-hem! Excuse me, I simply stated that I don’t want to marry, not that I would ever be anything more than welcoming of hugs, especially yours! It has nothing to do with indulging you and everything to do with an internet body-slam. ;)</p>
<p>
There is a big difference between “sometimes” and “never.” I don’t expect every day - but I strenuously object to “never.” And it’s ridiculous to expect that and think that any human should tolerate it.</p>
<p>
I know that you are a great judge of character and thoroughly intimidating. The only thing is, you would have a long, long list of people to kill, and really, I don’t want you in jail and I haven’t graduated from law school yet so I can’t defend you (although it would be rather Elle Woods, now wouldn’t it?). ;)</p>
<p>Aries, Some are just not wired to be married. Maybe this is you, maybe it’s not. I’ve been married a long time (longer than I was single - 26+years) and it has times of joy and others filled with heartache. If you’re dating and frequently thinking ‘I don’t really care if this guy dies’ or something along these lines, I would suggest you stop dating that fellow. It’s not fair to him. Sex is only one facet of a marriage - men seem to find it more important than women many times. Without writing a page or two on the subject - it basically takes a conscious effort to be married - all the time. Covenant marriage is an excellent idea - essentially eliminate ‘no-fault’ divorce and from the start impart the concept of commitment. It would reduce divorce, I would offer.</p>
<p>No one will really be able to tell but you. Basically, I am agreeing with you…but much also depends on what you’re not revealing. An anonymous BBS is really no place to seek deeper meanings or expose your soul. Though many on this board appear well-intentioned, answers and comfort lie elsewhere. I wish you well, really, because you do seem to be a bit concerned about this.</p>
<p>berurah and hubster:
<a href=“Gone with the Wind (1939) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Gone with the Wind (1939) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>berurah…prior to hubster:
<a href=“Gone with the Wind (1939) - Photo Gallery - IMDb”>Gone with the Wind (1939) - Photo Gallery - IMDb;
<p>I am not painting all men with a broad brush - just stating my reasons for thinking that, while marriage has made many people happy, it is the worst possible choice for me. It has nothing to do with not wanting compromise - there is a vast difference between demanding parity at every turn and just wanting some measure of caring - some acknowledgement that I’m a sentient human. </p>
<p>I don’t think that your marriages are loveless, which is why I so object to your stances - because I really don’t think that any of you are living the life you are suggesting for me. There are a lot of things that I love - teaching being one of them - but I could not long survive without my family and friends, who really do love me. Relationships do not make me happy. They make the other person happy. I cannot live every day, doing something that makes me miserable. </p>
<p>Leanid - if I don’t watch out for my own well-being and happiness, who will?
I seriously doubt that those “others” are indifferent to you.</p>
<p>
For heaven’s sake! When did I say that sex is the most important part of marriage? It was an analogy, for the love of God!</p>
<p>You didn’t, I drew it from the context of the conversation.</p>
<p>My advice is: </p>
<p>Go…seek your own path, find happiness on your terms. Worry not what others think; you are not required to justify your choices to any but those you choose. Do acts of kindness and charity if you can. </p>
<p>Also: eat your vegetables, exercise regularly and have some fun. :)</p>