<p>I adore reading advice columns and saw a letter over the weekend that made me think. I could totally see both sides. What do you all think? Here’s the scenario: couple got married and were very happy until one gained a great deal of weight, the other lost interest and the marriage failed. THere were follow-up letters on both sides, some saying the thin spouse shouldn’t be so shallow, some saying that the heavy spouse should consider the feelings of the partner. Interesting topic for discussion. Anyone?</p>
<p>Regardless of whether it’s weight or other aspects of appearance, none of us are going to look like the people we were at our weddings twenty years later.</p>
<p>It’s a shame that the thin spouse was unable to face this reality.</p>
<p>“It’s a shame that the thin spouse was unable to face this reality.”</p>
<p>Is there a tipping point at which enough is too much? 50 pounds, 100?</p>
<p>Well, didn’t YOUR wedding vows say “…in sickness and in health, or under 50 pounds…”?</p>
<p>"Well, didn’t YOUR wedding vows say “…in sickness and in health, or under 50 pounds…”?</p>
<p>I’m somewhat sympathetic because my hubby has gained 100 pounds and he is not the same person that I married. It’s not a big enough deal to destroy a long and loving marriage, but day to day living is very different and I’m not sure I would have signed on for that.</p>
<p>I think there’s no way to answer without knowing the specifics. It’s not about the amount of weight IMHO, it’s the reason for the weight gain and what the heavy spouse is doing about it.</p>
<p>I can imagine scenarios where I would sympathize with both, either, or neither spouse.</p>
<p>Well, my husband, to whom I was first attracted at least in part because he had great hair, now has lost about 2/3 of it. Where is the tipping point? 1/2 bald? 2/3 bald? Completely bald?</p>
<p>And about ten years ago, my husband lost his job because the firm that he worked for closed its office in the area where we lived, and he was unable to find another job at a comparable salary in the area. For him to get a good job, we had to move about 200 miles away, taking us much farther from our families and pulling our kids out of a school system that we liked. What was the tipping point there? 100 miles? 200? 300?</p>
<p>And last year I had an injury that made it impossible for me to carry out many of my normal responsibilities for about three months but did not require my husband to perform any personal care. Where’s the tipping point there? Is three months too long? Or is three months OK, but it would not have been OK if he had had to help me bathe or dress instead of just having to do laundry and errands?</p>
<p>In any marriage, stuff happens. Some of it will be undesirable stuff. And much of the undesirable stuff will be beyond people’s control. I didn’t intend to fall down those stairs, my husband didn’t intend to lose his hair or his job, and I’m sure that the spouse in the case discussed in the advice column didn’t intend to gain a lot of weight. </p>
<p>Part of maturity is learning to roll with the punches.</p>
<p>But what if the weight gain is the result of withdrawl/self comfort; not dealing with his or her personal problems in a more direct and healthy way? </p>
<p>At a certain point THAT could be defined as failing to “honor and cherish” the thinner spouse. I can see it both ways. I agree with Hanna, you’d need to know the cause and the efforts being made.</p>
<p>(Hopefully) humorous response:</p>
<p>Wife: Honey, do I look fat?
Husband; Honey, do I look stupid?</p>
<p>More serious response:
Obviously, when one puts on a lot of weight, there may be several causes. Being too busy to take care of yourself, failure to exercise, total lack of self-control, depression, etc. But I would guess that very few people think to themselves, “I know what I will do! Put on 150 pounds to annoy my spouse!” Fortunately, my wife and I do not weigh considerably more than we did when whe got married, but even if one of us had that should not be a major factor in our marriage. I think your analysis (“couple got married and were very happy until one gained a great deal of weight, the other lost interest and the marriage failed”), is somewhat inaccurate.</p>
<p>Here is an (obviously imperfect) analogy. The other day, one of the coaches of my son’s soccer team was talking about the boys on the team (nearly all of whom will play Division 1 soccer in college) and how they should select a college. He told them that they should consider the following: if, on your first day of soccer practice, you blow out the ACL of both knees and can never play soccer again, and you are still confident that you selected the right college, then it was the right choice. In my opinion, marriage is permanent, and when one is deciding to get married, you should consider the following: if this person to whom I am about to get married is in a terrible accident and is burned on 60 percent of their body and is no longer physically attractive, will I still be glad that I married them? If you cannot answer “yes,” then you are not ready to get married, or this is the wrong person for you.</p>
<p>I am not self-righteous enough to think that I would easily have no temptation to be frustrated if my wife put on an enormous amount of weight. But in such a situation, it would be my job as a husband to love her and encourage her anyway.</p>
<p>I guess I am not such a good person as you all…</p>
<p>100 lbs is a lot - especially if it is not a medical condition, just eating etc.</p>
<p>There can be a big difference between someone who is injured and no longer can play soccer vs. someone who gains 100 lbs. If you look at it from a self-control standpoint, the injury is more likely to be fateful, whereas the weight gain in most cases, is not. In that sense, I agree with Hannah that it depends on why the weight was gained (ie. medical issue, etc vs. lack of self-control).</p>
<p>At some point, a spouse’s lack of personal care and hygiene can be reflective of his/her degree of respect for his/her spouse. (My H also went from slim and fit at wedding, to obese, and now to slightly overweight)</p>
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<p>Then name the issue itself; don’t blame the weight. And that would be, to me, a situation for communication, not divorce. I can’t imagine saying, “i think you are not dealing with personal problems, so, good bye.” And if communication is the issue, then name that. Again, if the weight is the symptom, figure out what’s the cause.</p>
<p>Edit: I can see that this is going to turn into another of those overweight means bad character threads, isn’t it?</p>
<p>“Again, if the weight is the symptom, figure out what’s the cause.”</p>
<p>Only the person with the problem can figure out the cause, one can’t lose weight or deal with a problem for someone else.</p>
<p>Then name the issue itself; don’t blame the weight. And that would be, to me, a situation for communication, not divorce. I can’t imagine saying, “i think you are not dealing with personal problems, so, good bye.” And if communication is the issue, then name that. Again, if the weight is the symptom, figure out what’s the cause."</p>
<p>I respect and admire that so much. As I said, my marriage isn’t in trouble, but I can sympathize. THe spouse who can no longer fit in restaurant tables or sleep lying down. There are a lot of things that impact the other spouse, but the spouse has absolutely no control. I could really understand getting to the point of having enough.</p>
<p>Okay, is intractable alcoholism a fair reason for divorce?</p>
<p>If someone has developed a food addiction for self comfort/numbing out, how is it so different? The root causes are the same, even if bingeing on food doesn’t alter one’s mental state. </p>
<p>I agree, communication should be tried first. But I can imagine circumstances in which 100 lb weight gain is either (a) a retreat into the self or (b) a passive-aggressive rebellion against a much deeper marital problem-- both of which COULD justify a divorce.</p>
<p>What about a spouse who becomes disabled due to accident or illness.</p>
<p>What about a spouse who develops an alcohol problem.</p>
<p>What about a spouse who changes religions eg becomes a mormon, born-again, converts to islam or takes up meditation and eastern religions in a big way.</p>
<p>What about a spouse who develops a new passion in life that is incompatible with your own- eg fishing, golfing, biking, mountain climbing, jumping off cliffs with a parachute, etc.</p>
<p>There are so many ways in which a person can change over time. How much change is too much to accept? IMO, there is no one right answer. Every individual has to make that decision herself or himself.</p>
<p>and BTW I have this opinion because (though the weight gain was much less) the ~30 lbs I put on earlier in my marriage had a lot to do with self-comfort/ withdrawl. I finally began to see that I was only making myself feel worse and got rid of the weight.</p>
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<p>I expect that one spouse refusing to deal with his/her personal problems is, in fact, a major cause of divorce.</p>
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<p>i agree. /<em>/</em>/</p>
<p>This is one of those areas of life where I think the effort is the important thing, not the results.</p>
<p>If, for example, a wife who gained a lot of weight after pregnancy works at being healthy, does herself up to the best of her ability, and just can’t drop the weight, I’d view a husband who made a stink about it (much less left her) as someone who just didn’t care about her feelings. So if Partner A gets fat/gets ED/etc. but is making a real effort to please Partner B, then Partner B needs to learn to work with the changes.</p>
<p>But if Partner A simply lets him/herself go, lives in sweatpants, refuses to make any attempt to address the issue, and isn’t troubled by Partner B’s dismay and waning attraction…well, to me that would also show a disturbing lack of concern about Partner B’s feelings and needs. In a monogamous physical relationship, both parties have a good-faith obligation to <em>try</em> to keep the spark going. Expecting your spouse to age like Dorian Gray is unreasonable, but expecting him/her to make the best of what s/he’s got is more than fair.</p>