<p>There are alot of unhappy people out there, any excuse will do for some.</p>
<p>Since we married almost years ago we’ve both gained more weight than we should, oh well… </p>
<p>We try to eat healthy, live healthy and do the right things. We do it together, we gained weight together, we try to lose together… </p>
<p>Sometimes life just gets in the way, again oh well…</p>
<p>But what if the weight gain is such that one partner loses desire for the other? Then what? Is the partner without desire just supposed to grin and bare it? (pun intended). The weight itself is no reason to leave someone. But lack of desire, intractable lack of desire, and the other person unwilling to do anything about it, that could. Again, something out of someone’s control is a different matter.</p>
<p>I do not speak from personal experience mind you, as my only spousal relationship to date involved very thin people so perhaps I am completely misguided.</p>
<p>Edit: I see I echo Hanna’s post.</p>
<p>In our 28 years of marriage, I’ve gained about 15 lbs. My husband has gained about 40. The marriage is in no trouble at all. However, should the weight gain get to morbidly obese, I would think that there would be a problem. Just as there would be if he switched to some radical religion, cheated on me, got a gambling addiction, or something else that was radically different than what I signed up for. I firmly believe in the sanctity of marriage. But if he starts beating me or the children, I’m out.</p>
<p>If people are shamed out of discussing real problems how can they deal with them? It may not be pc or saintly to complain about a spouse’s 100 pound weight gain, but if it is affecting one’s feelings isn’t honesty called for? And it allows the obese partner to address his own issues with his spouse. I think that silence and supressed feelings are poison to a relationship.</p>
<p>“…A couple got married and were very happy until one gained a great deal of weight, the other lost interest and the marriage failed…”</p>
<p>Whether a marriage can withstand a weight gain is a matter of the strength and character of the marriage. If the passion in a marriage is based on physical characteristics, then the marriage may fail. If the passion in a marriage is based on the character of one’s spouses, then a change in physical characteristics will not threaten a marriage. I suspect those who have successfully nurtured a single marriage for decades will be less disturbed about weight gain than those who have a history of choosing inappropriate mates.</p>
<p>“I suspect those who have successfully nurtured a single marriage for decades will be less disturbed about weight gain than those who have a history of choosing inappropriate mates.”</p>
<p>I’ve been mostly happily married for 22 years and wouldn’t change my husband for anything, but his 100 extra pounds and all the things he can no longer do weighs (pardon the expression) very heavily upon us, as do the attendant health problems. I’m in my early 40s, with one kid in college and the others growing up and I wonder if I’ll be widowed at the time that I become an empty nester. (Disclaimer: this happened to one of my closest friends, so that’s why it may be something I fear so much).</p>
<p>Oh good lord. How judgemental can you get? Desire and its causes are the subject of poetry and wars throughout history. You want to pretend it’s all about being a good person and having a good character feel free. Desire can have many originators but to disregard the physical appeal component is just putting your head in the sand.</p>
<p>If you can come up with a formula for how good intent and good will and good character will guarantee a long and happy marriage write a book. You will make a million dollars.</p>
<p>^Then explain this to me.</p>
<p>My parents dated for 6 months before they got marred (first date was on christmas and marriage date was July 30th). Since they got married, both parents have gained a significant amount of weight, and my mom has been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. This past summer they celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. Talk about taking your vows seriously. They definitely still love, honor, and cherish each other, in sickness and in health.</p>
<p>No explanation required.</p>
<p>a) Your parents are religious if your screen name is an indication. Their religious faith overrides anything else.
b) Weight doesn’t bother them.</p>
<p>That’s wonderful. For them.</p>
<p>and i think it would be different if both, rather than just one, gained weight.</p>
<p>I agree with alumother. 100lbs is a lot.
I told my husband it’s ok for me to gain weight because femaies always gain weight after childbirth and it’s not ok for my husband to gain weight,(LOL at my logic, wifes always win) because they have no reason, ie no child birth.
My husband has always been thin and still has a full head of hair. But he did gain about 10-15lbs about 10 years due to overeating of his favorite breakfast food(bagels). He did stop eating and got back to his previous weight.</p>
<p>Yes, it would.</p>
<p>As it happens, my mother became obese in the first 10 years of her marriage, when my father was still very slim. They’ve been together now for 46 years (and both atheists, by the way). But not everyone can do what they did. And I’m sure there are plenty of couples who have survived challenges that would have broken my parents up. Every couple has a different set of vulnerabilities.</p>
<p>I hope it wouldn’t bother me, but it might. I’m very lucky, my husband has actually lost five to ten pounds since we got married more than 20 years ago, and he’s in better shape. Wish I could say the same for me! I actually probably am stronger, but not lighter. </p>
<p>If my husband’s religious beliefs changed significantly, I would have a hard time. That’s much more of an issue in my opinion. (It happened to my brother, and it was a bit of a strain, though I’ve gotten used to it and he’s toned it down as well.)</p>
<p>We were both pretty slender when we met and married- of course we were in our early 20s! Its not too hard to have the metabolism of a squirrel when you are 23. ;)</p>
<p>Food can be used as a barrier. I have known people- especially women myself included, who ate to bury feelings, to deal with stress, to un or conciously make themselves less attractive so that their sig other wouldn’t be so jealous or any of a number of reasons that makes the weight seem the problem and not the symptom.</p>
<p>However, I have also known people who gained weight because they loved it, they loved to cook or their sig other was a great cook and they were just very sensual people who liked food :)</p>
<p>I think anytime a sig other is using something to make a wall, whether it is the excuse that they are too tired from work, whether it is eating to squelch things they don’t want to deal with, drugs/alcohol/television… That is a problem. When something is being dealt with obliquely, not out in the open, it is probably because it is too painful or difficult to handle without help.</p>
<p>Change is really really hard. I finally lost the weight I had gained because I realized that I wanted to feel better and making myself unattractive so my husband wouldn’t freak out when I started going back to school or work, was his issue to deal with. ( Ironically, although I conciously tried to make myself less attractive by cutting off my hair and gaining weight, to reassure him, it also made me less attractive to my husband).</p>
<p>I think it is harder for men in general to be introspective and think about what is bothering them. My husband has built walls not by gaining weight ( he is very skinny & prides himself on wearing the same size he did in high school- now me, I rather like the Bob Hoskins type- ), but by retreating to the garage with his radio and cigarettes every day after work. We’ve gone to therapists which have helped somewhat, but he has deep issues that I was not aware of repercussions of when we were married , but he can’t acknowledge even to himself.</p>
<p>It is pretty uncomfortable to live with someone that you have grown apart from. That sounds trite, but I also feel that we have only one life and to be around someone that you feel you don’t know anymore and who doesn’t know you & whats worse doesn’t want to, is really more than I will accept.</p>
<p>People change a lot over time, or maybe they just become more themselves.
I think that there is a lot of value over not changing something just becuase it is uncomfortable or too different, whether it is a job or a class or a spouse, but eventually you have to decide how much return you are getting.
I don 't think that is cold, just realistic.</p>
<p>My H is overweight (weighs over 100 lbs more than me), but what really kills me is his snoring. It’s awful!! I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. I always tell him to go to a specialist or do something, but he never has. He always makes light of it or denies it, which really irks me…Even the kids hear it from their rooms!</p>
<p>I’m sure I’m not a piece of cake to live with either…Although maybe it’s because I never get any sleep… :(</p>
<p>I’m really happy that my H started exercising about 10 months ago and has lost 25 of the 40lbs he’s gained since we got married. He looks great and I find him much more attractive. (I’m a skinny person who can’t gain weight if I try–if anything I’ve lost weight–in spite of giving birth to 8 children). </p>
<p>H got sick of me nagging him about the weight and did nothing about it until he got his cholesterol checked and it was way too high, and he also started having pre-diabetic symptoms. That’s what motivated him–not me telling him how unattractive the fat was. I’d still love him and stay married to him for all his good qualities no matter how much weight he gained-- but looking attractive for your spouse is a big plus.</p>
<p>“My H is overweight (weighs over 100 lbs more than me), but what really kills me is his snoring. It’s awful!! I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. I always tell him to go to a specialist or do something, but he never has. He always makes light of it or denies it, which really irks me…Even the kids hear it from their rooms!”</p>
<p>Toasting curiousmother! I share your pain. Does your husband, while snoring, flip himself up in the air and over repeatedly during the night so you feel sea sick? Mine does that. When he stops breathing, he flips. He weighs 150 pounds more than I do.</p>
<p>One of the doctor’s recommendations for my husband’s snoring was to lose 10-15 pounds. Didn’t seem to help, but he was not overweight to begin with. Nothing we have tried has helped except for me to get up and sleep elsewhere!</p>
<p>ZM, I hear ya. DH has gained a fair bit, as have I. I fight it, he doesn’t. I know I eat for energy, out of fatigue, and when I am emotionally drained. </p>
<p>What bothers me most is that he won’t make any effort to deal with the health ramifications. I’m not talking about bugging him to go on a diet. He enjoys cooking far too much to ever cut back on that – even though his mom had Type 1 diabetes. I’m talking about going to a dr. for his severe sleep apnea and snoring that forces me down to the basement! A friend of mine was also widowed at 55 – same scenario as your friend’s, ZM. </p>
<p>DH has had an extraordinarily tough time dealing with the “in sickness” part of our vows. His mom was an invalid due to a variety of physical and emotional issues for many years, dating back to his early teens. When I became ill, I became his worst nightmare. I’m at 75-80% of capacity – and many friends say I <em>still</em> do too much – but it doesn’t make things easier.</p>
<p>My H lost $300,000. It involved hiding things from me and signing loan notes in his own name and not the name of the business. This made me responsible for his debt. We have too much home equity to file for bankruptcy.</p>
<p>He lost the money in his business (not gambling, drugs, or spending), but he made extremely foolish decisions (against my counsel of course) to bring him to that pass.</p>
<p>I had choices to make.</p>
<p>I could have divorced him
Sold his business
Locked him up and turned him into my slave
Tortured him every day of the rest of our marriage.</p>
<p>I was extremely shocked and hurt, especially because this was less than a year before D had to go to college, and I’m sure it’s obvious that this destroyed my plan for paying for it.</p>
<p>After I got over the initial shock I fired the accountant who H owed a lot of money to. He tried to do a hostile take over. I contacted other accountants, lawyers, bankruptcy lawyers. H was too demoralized to do much but sit in the corner looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights.</p>
<p>I kept the business; remortgaged the house, fired the staff, made the financial decisions and cried. A lot. Especially about college.</p>
<p>Three years later D is at Barnard; S is at Williams. Both are doing very well. D earns all her own spending money doing work study. S just doesn’t spend money in Williamstown (I wonder why, haha.)</p>
<p>H is doing fairly well in the business. Staff is now just him and one part-time asst. He is not earning a barrel of money, but he is earning.</p>
<p>Debt is down to about $75,000.</p>
<p>Kids are on financial aid, which is not what I wanted, but at least they are getting the experience they need.</p>
<p>I am teaching too much. Six courses instead of four; two over the summer instead of swimming. I won’t retire until 70 I’m sure. D is going to England for semester abroad; can’t afford to go visit.</p>
<p>But I still have my very comfortable five bedroom house in a town I love. I love my nine year old car; it’s a Saab. I “vacation” by seeing D in NYC (too close to have to stay over) and S in Williamstown (where we don’t actually have to but often do.) </p>
<p>I am not religious at all. I don’t believe people should just “stick it out”. I don’t know why I made the decisions I did. For one thing, I thought it would do unrepairable damage to kids to see their father psychologically, financially and emotionally destroyed. I love them.</p>
<p>I’ve also evolved, don’t ask me how, into a bit of a Buddhist who doesn’t see the material conditions of life as all that important, with the exception of the kids’ schooling. Some guardian angel was certainly watching there because both kids are at their first choice schools, perfect for them, and thriving.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m older than most folks here. I’ve had a lot of “action” in the past and am not too interested right now. I don’t mean I’ve lost interest in the physical stuff, but the emotional world of being in love and all that seems very sweet and young to me.</p>
<p>Here is a person I know. He’s my friend. He has problems, more than I do, but he cares for me and can do some things I can’t. We’re a family.</p>