<p>I love the questionnaire, oldfort! But I would be annoyed if a guy called my husband and asked for permission, or even blessing, to propose. I would be concerned about his mindset regarding women. My youngest kid is 21. Like her older sisters, she belongs to herself, not to her father and me. Though I guess Mom is a disinterested bystander in this scenario.</p>
<p>Like starbright, I wonder about what happens if the guy calls up old Dad and the answer is “no, I don’t give you permission/my blessing to ask my daughter to marry you.” I mean, then what? Does the boyfriend slink away? Is he offended for the rest of his life if Dad had some reservations? And what about when the daughter gets wind of it, whatever Dad’s answer was? That would be the really difficult part, in our house at least.</p>
<p>MomLive’s suggestion that the guy ask the daughter if he should go to her father is excellent.</p>
<p>I’m a little bothered by the people who are bothered by this. It’s not a big deal and it’s not necessary, but it’s certainly not “mindless” or otherwise disrespectful to women. Not every potential son-in-law knows the father very well and many surely just do it as a way to dot the Is and cross the Ts and not cause offense. Like was said upthread, weddings are about traditions and some are less relevant than others. My daughters are independent young women who can make their own decisions and take responsibility for their own lives, but I know it would be devastating to both of them if their father didn’t walk them down the aisle and people who are so inclined can certainly take that tradition and make it ugly, as well.</p>
<p>My DH talked to my parents first and I certainly hope that if/when someone wants to marry my D’s that they talk to my DH first as well. Not for “permission.” If one of the D’s wants to marry a flaming jerk, I’m sure there may have been a comment or two made in our household before it got to the proposal time Not our place to say “no, you can’t.” But really more of a heads up, I love your D, wanted to let you know kind of conversation.</p>
Exactly. And I would tell my son if he ever proposes to THAT WOMAN (I hate her), I would suggest that he tell her parents that he is planning to propose and reassures them that he loves and respects her and will be the best husband he can possibly be. I would like to hear that from the men who marry my daughters someday. Just the respect of being told that they appreciate the gems that are my daughters and will treat them accordingly.</p>
<p>I really wish my H had gone to BOTH my parents before we got engaged (he went to neither, which surprised them although they did not hold it against him). Not for permission, but to show respect and to assure them of his intentions to be a good husband, son-in-law, etc. It would be nice to share some joy! </p>
<p>FWIW, if my D does get married someday, I hope she will want BOTH of us walking her down the aisle. She is not property to be given away, but as a symbolic walk from her childhood (with two parents) to her partner in adult life. </p>
<p>For most of my friends with marrying kids the bride’s parents are still footing most of the bill with the groom’s family paying for certain parts such as the limo and band/DJ in addition to rehearsal dinner. Perhaps it’s regional, but we are expecting to pay majority for D and less for S, should they be blessed with marriage.</p>
<p>Hubby didn’t ask for my father’s “permission” however he did go to my parents house, showed them the ring he bought me and talked about wanting to marry me. My parents were thrilled, liked him right off the bat and it wasn’t about them deciding if he was good enough for me. My mom cried, opened champagne and the three of them hung out chatting about everything. I think it was a nice way to include them.</p>
<p>I think what is wonderful is that every couple can make the right choice for themselves based on what is meaningful to them. I would absolutely not want to walk my girls down the aisle because (a) I would be a sobbing ball of mess and (b) I want to experience the magic of seeing the man I love escort our precious daughters to the men that they love. I’ve seen variations that were really different and special like a bride walking halfway down with dad and then the rest of the way by herself.</p>
<p>My D1 has already said that one of the most important aspects of her wedding will be that her younger brother will walk down the aisle after the parents and before the bridesmaids and then stand at the bottom of the aisle while the bridesmaids process. When it’s her turn, the organist will stop playing and her brother will lift his clarinet and play the accompaniment for only her procession.</p>
<p>This is an interesting thread. I am coming up on my 25th anniversary and had both of my parents walk me down the aisle. My mother was so much more active in raising us than my dad that it just seemed right. We did some things in a non-traditional way and some in a traditional way, whatever suited us.<br>
I do have to say though, that talking to the parents before seems odd to me. Even if it is a “heads up”, I think this is best left for the couple to discuss first. I find it presumptuous. What if she says NO. Our society still functions as though all women are sitting around just waiting for the day they receive an offer of marriage. I’m sure there are people like this, men and women. But, as statistics will show, it is not all inclusive. Make your decisions with each other, then share the great news with family and friends.</p>
<p>zooser - agreed. We cross posted; I did not mean to sound negative about any tradition. I like your D1’s plan! I enjoy going to weddings and seeing what each family decides to do. For us, I will want to be walking D in and I will probably be tearing up. Of course, it will be up to D and her fiance how it all goes. </p>
<p>One of my favorite moments with my beloved (now deceased) dad was when we were waiting for him to escort me down the aisle. It was a very traditional wedding with a long aisle, many attendants, and even a group of swordbearers. It felt like forever until we got to go in. He looked at me and said “I cannot believe that I am missing half of this wedding that I am paying for!” Dear old dad had me chuckling at the big moment!</p>
<p>I think it’s offensive. It implies that an adult woman is under the control of her father – an idea that I find deeply disturbing.</p>
<p>I also don’t like fathers giving their daughters away at weddings – although I kind of like the newer version where the person officiating asks “Who brings this woman to stand beside this man” and “Who brings this man to stand beside this woman” and both sets of parents stand up and say “We do.” That seems reasonable if the two people getting married are young and if there aren’t any issues about whether or not to include former noncustodial parents and/or stepparents.</p>
<p>I’m just really surprised at how people can be so insulting and negative about others’ choices. Hey, this isn’t for you, but “mindless” and “offensive” seem out of line in the context.</p>
<p>FWIW, I didn’t intend to bother anyone else by being bothered by this tradition myself, nor did I intend to portray that, or any other tradition, in an “ugly” light. I thought we were supposed to share our opinions here, and, in re-reading my post 21, that seems to me to be what I did. I wouldn’t like it, and I would indeed wonder why the guy is talking to my husband (and not me – maybe that’s what really bothers me? :D) instead of asking my daughter, whose decision it will certainly be. Also FWIW, my daughters wouldn’t go for this in a big way. I asked my dh what he thought last night. He made a face and said he didn’t expect it to happen, but that it would be fun to mess with the guy’s head if it did. So clearly this is not a tradition for folks like us.</p>
<p>Apologies for bothering - it was unintentional.</p>
This is actually the Jewish tradition (at least Eastern European Jews). Not only that, but the groom’s parents also walk him down the aisle. Then both sets of parents stand at the sides of the *chuppah<a href=“marriage%20canopy”>/I</a> during the service. The symbolism is the creation of a new family from the two existing ones. There is no “giving away” either the bride or the groom. (There is also no word in English for the relationship between the two sets of parents once their children have married; no lasting relationship is assumed. But there is one in Yiddish.)</p>
<p>For those who feel that it is demeaning or a throwback to women as chattel, do you feel the same way about “giving away” the bride? I know some have “modernized” it by having the father say, “Her mother and I do,” but isn’t that the same kind of throwback - that someone other than the bride herself gives her to her husband? The groom’s parents don’t give him to the bride. (cross-posted with Marian, who already answered that question!)</p>
<p>And for those who think it’s a nice “heads up,” would you feel the same way if the potential groom gave the heads up to the mother rather than the father of the potential bride? Would your answer change if the parents were divorced or married to each other at the time?</p>
<p>My d asked me to walk down the aisle with her and her father, but I decided I’d rather watch, and am so glad I did - it’s a memory I will always cherish. The officiant at our d’s ceremony had both sets of parents stand up at the same time. She asked if we gave our blessing to the marriage, which, I later remembered, was what the officiant at my wedding asked 33 years ago.</p>
Don’t you think, generally speaking, the couple have already shared their intentions and it’s all decided except the time and method of proposing? I don’t know any brides who were not on board with the decision to marry long before the ring was purchased.</p>
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Personally, I would prefer that. But I think it would depend on the family dynamic.</p>
<p>How do those of you who are bothered by this feel about the father-daughter dance?</p>
<p>Is someone quesioning the validity of every wedding tradition? I don’t see the father-daughter dance as being similar to the fiance asking permission to marry the daughter.</p>
<p>Still wondering what happens if the guy asks and the father doesn’t give his permission/blessing. If the father is obligated to give his blessing, I don’t see the point of asking. But if all involved love the idea, that’s certainly what they should do.</p>
Exactly what was stated up thread. Sometimes it’s a nod to tradition, sometimes it’s a sign of respect, sometimes it’s a way of including the parents. And “permission” really doesn’t come into play unless the bride is a minor.</p>
<p>I am the sole parent of two daughters. (As some of you with long memories know, their father died a few years ago.) If one of their suitors came to me to ask permission I must admit, my very first question would be “how well do you know my daughter?” The obvious answer would be not very well. These are two independent young ladies that don’t need permission for any big decision in their lives. I think they’d be miffed if I knew about the proposal before they did.</p>
<p>I hope they would let me walk them down the aisle. But as that eventuality is far away, we’ll just have to wait and see.</p>
But I would be annoyed if a guy called my husband and asked for permission, or even blessing, to propose. I would be concerned about his mindset regarding women. My youngest kid is 21. Like her older sisters, she belongs to herself, not to her father and me. Though I guess Mom is a disinterested bystander in this scenario.</p>
Not our place to say “no, you can’t.” But really more of a heads up, I love your D, wanted to let you know kind of conversation.</p>