<p>I don’t think I’d like to marry someone who would ask my father for my hand in marriage. I don’t belong to my dad, and do not need permission to make any decisions. As UCDAlum82 says, it would mean they don’t know me very well. I actually find it offensive.</p>
<p>Also, what if a man asks for her gf dad permission before he proposes and she says no?</p>
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ANd how would you feel if potential SIL came and said “as you know Precious and I have been together for a long time and have discussed getting married. I just wanted to let you know that I have decided to propose and to reassure you that I will cherish her for the rest of my life if she agrees to marry me.” Most men I know who speak to the parents do something along this line. Or make arrangements with the parents or siblings or best friends to set up the bride for a giant surprise. Often, doing that requires assistance!</p>
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Hysterical. What about ED? Please sign the ED agreement.</p>
<p>zoosermom: Maybe I am in the minority, but I would still be very upset if my parents/my dad knew before I did. It’s my decision, and I would feel very uncomfortable saying no (if that was the case) if my parents were involved. To be honest, I think my dad would be disturbed too.</p>
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I can absolutely see that. And I think it’s completely valid. But what I’m wondering is (and this is common in my area) if the gentleman really wanted to give you a memorable, creative proposal and you knew beyond question that his intentions were honorable. Would you really turn down someone you love and who loves you because you don’t like how he proposed? That seems sort of controlling to me. I guess it’s one of those things where you might want to express your opinion about that long before the proposal could actually happen. Some men don’t propose often and want to try to do everything “right.” I just don’t see the need to be offended or outraged or to reject someone because what they are attempting doesn’t match your vision. Now, if you were seeing a man who really believed your dad should give actual permission, then run screaming in the other direction as fast as you can. But if it’s a sincere person who is trying his best, maybe it’s not worth the outrage.</p>
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I think ED means something different in the marriage context! I’m not sure I’d want an agreement on that one!</p>
<p>Our daughter–engaged and getting married in June–talked to us and to her fiance’s mom about their prospective marriage before they got engaged. It was not permission so much as it was a working through of a wide range of questions, issues, and ideas about marriage and the creation of an extended family.</p>
<p>Why are we all assuming that the man proposes?</p>
<p>I’m sure that some still do – just as some people stage elaborate prom invitations. </p>
<p>But in many cases, and my husband and I are among them, the decision “we’re going to get married” comes not from a formal proposal and acceptance but rather from a series of ongoing conversations over a period of time. I’m not even sure who first raised the possibility, and I kind of like it that way.</p>
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Because that was the scenario proposed by the OP.</p>
<p>My husband did not ask my father (this was 20 years ago.) My father was ready if he had though. My father was going to tell him that he was asking the wrong person and the only person who give permission or even a blessing on the idea was his daughters themselves.</p>
<p>I’ve always liked that. </p>
<p>I wonder what will happen with my son? In that case we can guarantee a man will be doing the asking because my son is gay. Unless of course they come to a mutual agreement along the lines of Marian’s situation, which is nice as well.</p>
<p>S1 and GF have talked about marriage for a while, and at some point they both agreed this would be a good thing. He is a little sorry he didn’t ask Patrick Stewart to pronounce them “Engaged!” at Chicago ComicCon last summer, but it all worked out. :)</p>
<p>S told us early last summer that he was planning to marry her, and they made it official at the end of the summer. They skyped us and her parents when they were ready to announce it to the world. (She is from the UK.) They both made the rounds of relatives over the holidays, which was much appreciated by grandparents and other relatives on both sides of the pond.</p>
<p>“I think ED means something something different in the marraige context.”</p>
<p>Yes it does…LOL!!!</p>
<p>DS, on his own, went to his girlfriend’s parents to ask for their blessing. They were very touched and thrilled. He and GF had talked about eventual marriage, but not the timing. DS very much wanted to surprise GF with a ring and a proposal so her mother and I got to be very involved in determining (based on sneaky questions to GF) what sort of ring she would want.</p>
<p>All four parents knew about the proposal before GF did; it was a total surprise to her and she couldnt have been more thrilled. It was a great way to start out a relationship between the machetunim (the Yiddish word alluded to by Chedva to describe the two sets of parents).</p>
<p>Thirty years ago when I got married, DH did not go to my father–we were 30 and 31, self-sufficient adults–and I never thought twice about it. Among our friends’ children, though, asking by the future husband seems to be the norm. To me it’s a sign of respect, a recognition of the importance of family in a couple’s lives and it’s a lovely gesture.</p>
<p>It could be an age thing. I agree if you are a self sufficient adult in your 30s it wouldn’t make any sense. </p>
<p>I am really not a controlling person, zoosermon, quite the opposite, but I am a self-made independent and self sufficient feminist. I really wouldn’t like it if my bf would ask my dad, and neither would my parents. My dad would have probably said what pugmadkate’s dad was prepared to say.</p>
<p>I’d like to be surprised . But hopefully a guy would be smart enough to ask her gf friends (who would know you much better) than parents about the best way to surprise her, particularly if you have been out of home for several years, and so on.</p>
<p>My DH asked my dad. We were in college and had been dating for about 4 years, so the question hardly came as a surprise. Still, it was the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Son #1 got married last summer and he asked his future FIL. To complicate his situation a bit, FIL lives in another country and speaks another language. So, when he and GF went to visit her family (at this visit my son was meeting them for the first time), he wrote out on a piece of paper how to ask in this language (a language that he was not at all familiar with!). Future FIL very much appreciated that my son asked, even though, in reality, he had no say in the matter. It was a matter of respect. </p>
<p>My daughter #1 is getting married this summer and her fiance asked both of us. He took us out to lunch and used that opportunity to ask us. We very much appreciated that he did that. We also asked him not to pop the question until after our daughter had taken an important exam (NCLEX) since we knew that there was no way she could seriously study with the distraction of a pretty rock on her hand. LOL</p>
<p>I think it would be very nice to know and make sure we all are on board.</p>
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I do see what you’re saying but, I ask you again, if the right person, with what you knew to be the best of intentions, proposed in a way that you didn’t prefer, would you turn him down? I’m sorry, but it does sound a bit controlling (although I understand your position) because I think the gentleman should have at least some say in the proposal process. Perhaps it would mean something to him, for whatever reason.</p>
<p>My son-in-law gave us a heads up when he purchased an engagement ring for D. We appreciated that he told us and were quite happy for them. It wasn’t really necessary from our perspective. I don’t know if he told D that he’d told us ahead of time because H and I never mentioned it. We just congratulated them when they came over afterwards. They were 27, college graduates, employed, and living together for a year. I’m sure that for some parents, it’s an important gesture and I wouldn’t be upset by it.</p>
<p>The harder issue for us was a pre-nup. My D is the recipient of a trust that we set up and the trustee was adamant that our son-in-law sign a pre-nup. My D was horrified (seems so awful to plan for the dissolution of a marriage even before it begins) and refused to even consider it. After talking to the trustee, who was very helpful and came up with a way for D to explain it to her future husband, it turned out to be a non-event. My son-in-law didn’t think it was a big deal at all.</p>
<p>I have met a handful of couples in which the woman proposed. So how would guys in here would feel if she had ask permission from your dad or parents? I am actually curious.</p>
<p>I fully expect THAT WOMAN to ask my permission to marry The King of the Universe. And I fully expect to withhold my consent.</p>
<p>I’m kidding. Sort of. Maybe.</p>