<p>zoosermon: I don’t understand why social pressure would make i OK for someone to do something like asking a dad for gf hand because of social pressure, even if gf doesn’t like it. At the same time, there is social pressure to drink before 21 and that doesn’t mean kids should drink, there is social pressure to dress a certain way and that doesn’t mean we all dress like that, and so on. </p>
<p>A marriage is between 2 people, and they should not be concern about what “society” would think, but it should be about making each other happy for a very long time, forming a family, and so on.</p>
<p>My daughter was engaged last year and I am in the midst of planning a wedding this spring. Yes, the future SIL took us out for lunch and asked for both of our blessing. I appreciate his gesture, he was just being respectful and giving us a heads up. </p>
<p>I do have trouble with the tradition that the bulk of the expenses are borne by the bride’s family. We are doing it because I am inviting twice as many guests (big family) as the groom. And my DH is too generous.</p>
<p>We are not having a prenup even though D has a trust fund. Our attorney says everything the bride has before her marriage legally belongs to her anyway and any monetary gifts we have/will bestow should be in a trust that her spouse cannot access. This spares any ill feeling or reluctance that may arise.</p>
<p>I ask because my husband and I both had divorced parents, and we each had two parental marriages take place when we were young. My mother remarried when I was in junior high, and after that marriage failed, remarried again when I was in high school. My husband’s mother remarried while he was in college and his father remarried while he was in graduate school.</p>
<p>Nobody asked their kids for their blessing when they got married in any of these four situations. The people who planned to get married just did it – in two instances, with advance notice to their kids (who were present at the ceremonies), and in two instances, after the fact (what I guess you would call elopement if they had been younger). </p>
<p>I think the idea of parents asking their children’s blessing on their new marriages is an uncomfortable one. If the kids are still children, it puts them in a position of sharing in a decision that should be made by adults. If the kids are adults, it puts them in a position of sharing in a decision that is basically none of their business. I am glad that I was not asked, and I believe my husband is, too.</p>
<p>I’m serious. It is asking for a “blessing”, not asking them to be part of the decision. I think the creation of a new family is very much a part of their business.</p>
<p>I didn’t go through that when I proposed to my wife (well, we kind of proposed to each other, lot more our style) and frankly if her father had been in this country when this happened, I would have been more likely to tear him apart, but that is another story…</p>
<p>I think it is up to the people involved, and it never hurts to at least give a heads up (also depends on cultural norms, if someone is from an ethnic background where asking for the D’s hand is still customary, may be wise;). I kind of like the prospective son in law talking to both parents and telling them what he intends on doing just as a courtesy and to show respect for the people who raised the person he is marrying…then again, I kind of think it would be cute if both the bride and groom did that with their prospective in laws, to make it an equal thing since the bride is taking away the son, too:) </p>
<p>While it may seem trivial, it is important to know how the spouse feels about such things, if the spouse to be, for example, is not particularly close to her parents, or doesn’t share the same values and doesn’t want to acknowledge them, then it is wise to adhere to that. One of the things I have learned in 20 something years of marriage (and also from working through crap in therapy about my own upbringing) is that small details like that add up to big things, that a lot of little details make for trust and respect, and breaking even small ones can balloon on you. If the wife to be or groom to be doesn’t want the person to ask permision, then ask her way before hand that if he ever decides to ask her to marry him, would she be okay if he let her parents know before asking as a heads up…</p>
<p>Personally, I think the cutest story I have read recently is that of Robert Kraft, the owner of the NE Patriots. Apparently, he and his late wife met when they were young, and she proposed to him (on bended knee yet) when they were like 19 and 20…and that was a long time ago, I really liked that…and they were married for like 48 years I think:)</p>