<p>How does everyone handle this. My daughter goes to her in laws for Every holiday or special day - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers day. I never wanted to be “that parent” who makes her kids feel obliged to spend every holiday with them, but I assumed there’d be some attempt to take turns. It’s hurtful, but I’ve got in the habit of making other plans so we are not on our own for Christmas (my son lives on on the other side of the country and has to work Christmas) but was so happy this year when she said we should come to them for Christmas dinner. And today, she tells me they are going to her in laws. I’m really upset. We have nothing planned and turned down another invitation because we had plans. </p>
<p>I’d would call her on it. If she already said that you were to go to her house then she should honor it. If you don’t speak up now what happens next time? She may cancel on you again.</p>
<p>So sorry swimcatsmom, that is very hurtful. </p>
<p>Honestly, is there any way she would go to family counseling? I think she needs to be honest with you why she is doing this to you. It really stinks. </p>
<p>I would say something. I think it is rude and inconsiderate to dis-invite you a few days before the holiday. In fact you might want to have a talk with her since she is spending EVERY holiday with her in laws.That is not right.</p>
<p>Did she " forget" she invited you, or did she change her mind?
What excuse did she give?</p>
<p>She didn’t really give one. I sent her a text (I’m never sure of her work schedule) asking what the plans for the day were and she said they were going to in-laws. When I said she had invited us, she said she knew and maybe we could come the day after instead. I really don’t want to go the day after, which I’m sure will somehow make me the bad guy. I’m just too upset right now to even talk to her. </p>
<p>To be honest, she is very difficult to talk to about anything. Takes offense really easily so we are always walking on eggshells. </p>
<p>Now she says they’ll do brunch with the in-laws and see us for dinner at about 6. It just feels very awkward now. </p>
<p>^ What a bummer, and I feel for you. I, too, have told my kids I never want to pressure them re holidays, but so far things have worked out well. (Will get more complex when S marries.)</p>
<p>But in this case, your D was definitely rude and IMO should be called on it. However, I would try to approach it more as a question than as an accusation. No point starting a war over it and making feelings worse. Could you just text or e-mail her (I find that easier than having a tough phone conversation) asking what caused the change in plans since you had declined other plans in order to honor the commitment to come to her?</p>
<p>Assuming you are not going, please do something really appealing and different with your H so you can enjoy the day as much as possible. </p>
<p>Is it possible this is an issue between your D and her H and they had not communicated well re plans? Does she tend to defer to her H?</p>
<p>P.S. Edited to add:
My post was cross-posted with your #6. Your D’s suggested fix is reasonable. Glad it worked out. Hope it goes well.</p>
<p>Your daughter just changed her plan with her in-laws so you could go over for dinner. That is progress and it shows you matter to her. I don’t think it is awkward. You should be happy she was willing to change her plan.</p>
<p>Your D is new at this. You are all trying to define the new norm. If she is always going to her in-laws I would speak up. Since both sides of the family live fairly close by, you may want to try to spend xmas eve or xmas morning together, and they can see the other side xmas night. We do that at my family. All of us go to my parents’ house xmas eve, and my brother/sister go to their in-laws on xmas days. We have been doing this for over 30 years. The grandchildren are all happy with the arrangement. </p>
<p>I’d say something, SCM–ask your D why she and her husband don’t take turns going to one family’s house one year and the other the next. My D and son-in-law do that for Christmas. For Thanksgiving, they come to our vacation place and SIL invites his parents (they’re divorced)–usually they both come. Neither brings his/her new partner–we have invited them as well. That seems to work out well for everyone. Also, my D’s inlaws are Russian and they’d rather have the kids for the Russian Orthodox Christmas/New Year, which is usually the first week in January.</p>
<p>I guess I need to do that. I kind of assumed they would do that themselves without me having to make an issue of it. I think this year it really got to me because I had talked to her about plans well in advance just to avoid the last minute thing that happens every year. Still can’t believe she had changed plans & wonder when she would have told me (Christmas Eve?). I was in tears about it and so was her dad (first time I’ve seen him cry since just before Christmas 2011 in the 2nd week of his cancer battle when everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and he looked at me and said “perhaps it’s not meant to work out”).</p>
<p>He wants to go ahead and go, I just kind of feel now we’ve made them do it and it kind of takes the joy out of the whole thing.</p>
<p>I’m beginning to dread the holidays.</p>
<p>I think you are hoping that she reads your mind. </p>
<p>This is probably not something I should answer because I’m not quite there yet in some respects when it comes to married kids.
But my family right now (parents, in-laws, kids (nobody married yet) can’t make holidays happen on a regular basis due to health ,distance, schedules etc. We TRY to–but it just doesn’t happen all the time. So we celebrate at off times when it’s convenient. And so much less stressful. We even celebrate birthdays on different days–sometimes combining them to make it happen as a party when everyone can be there.
Christmas is special for most but we’ve done Christmas in January and even February (you need a little tree!)and really have the same fun. It’s all in the mindset. I wouldn’t give up wanting kids home at Christmas no matter (maybe that’s where you are) but less stress usually means the kids come home often!
Oldfort seems to have a great solution–at least it would work in our family.</p>
<p>Their first Christmas together, they did a similar thing. They had said they were spending Christmas with us, then a couple of days before announced that they were spending Christmas Eve with his Dad & Stepmom, Christmas Day with his Mom and family, and The Next day with his Stepmoms family. I was very taken aback to be completely excluded (especially the last minute change in plans) & did make a comment to her that she shouldn’t forget the family she has just because she has a new one. That I did understand he has family to, but not to completely exclude us. That was back in the days when I felt more comfortable telling her how I felt. </p>
<p>I’m sorry; that is horrible of her. When I hear these types of stories, they are usually from the son’s parents. I never understand what these kids are thinking.</p>
<p>Do you live close to them? When H and I married we spent Christmas Eve with my parents and Christmas Day with his. We both have small families so all of us gathered on Thanksgiving so no set of parents had to be alone (we all lived within an hour’s drive). We include H’s brothr and SIL; my sibs are OOS, though on occasion they join us for the day.</p>
<p>When our children were born, I told my In-laws that I wanted my kids to wake up in their own beds Christmas morning and we would not be showing up for 8 am breakfast. However, we would come at noon or they could come to us. After the 4th kid was born, they started coming to us for Christmas Day. 32 years later, we still follow this tradition, though MIL has died and we all go to my husband’s aunt on Christmas afternoon.</p>
<p>Any reason you all can’t do brunch together? Do you think her H is behind some of this or that she “forgot” she had invited you to please him and her inlaws? I understand your hurt feelings; I would feel the same. However, we don’t walk on eggshells with our kids so I would have a frank discussion about how it really hurts us to be disposable for what might be a better offer. What should happen is that the original plan you had with your D/SIL prevails and they fit in the inlaws OR you all do the same event together with SIL’s family.</p>
<p>My parents used to tell us that when we are too accommodating to the other side of family, they would have less respect for us and our family. I am sure your D’s in-laws were aware she spent 3 days with their side of family. If I were them I would wonder what’s wrong with her family that she didn’t want to spend any time with her own family. She may think she is pleasing them, but she is actually making herself look bad. It’s kind of like when your kid’s friend spends too much time at your house, you start to wonder if there is something wrong with his/her family life. In every relationship, it’s good to have balance.</p>
<p>@gouf78 - I do understand that. We can’t generally do holidays with my son because of distance and work commitments so try and get together at other times. I’ve tried really hard to be understanding of the fact that he has a Mom too, and a Dad and Stepmom. I know it’s hard to juggle. So I try and make other plans so we don’t feel lonely (we don’t have much extended family). The last 2 Christmases we visited our son even though he worked Christmas day and had a nice dinner with a sort of relative of my husband’s who lives in the areA (not actually a blood relative but is almost same age as my husband and was raised by my husband’s grandparents after his mother was murdered) . They invited us again this year but we said no because of the plans to spend it with our daughter. So we were pretty upset to be told today that those plans were cancelled.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. You have every right to be sad and disappointed over this. I would try very hard to be a good sport even though her behavior has taken the joy out of it for you…When the holidays are over do you think you can talk to her, or perhaps write and tell her that her behavior has hurt you? You can reiterate that you understand that you share her with her husband’s family now, but you hope that you can make the sharing more equitable. </p>
<p>@Pizzagirl - you are probably right in a way. I guess it was so important to me to spend days like Mothers day and Christmas with my Mum, that I hoped it would be for my daughter as well. I do understand that he has a Mom too, but just expected it would work out naturally, that they would just alternate or something. </p>