<p>Good advice from everyone, thanks CC parents. We are going to go ahead and have Christmas dinner with them.</p>
<p>Some time in the near future, I need to have that conversation with her. I think I have fallen so much in the habit of being careful of saying anything that may upset her that I have ended up creating the exact situation I wanted to avoid (except it’s me who is upset).</p>
<p>Thank you for all your good advice. It helps to know I’m not totally overreacting, but also that I need to work on better communications with my daughter. I was so upset this morning and was very much in need of a place to vent, coupled with some sage advice.</p>
<p>I had cross-posted with OP’s post # 6, the update on the D’s suggested fix. Sounds reasonable to me (although holiday conflict should not have happened). Hope all enjoy the day! :)</p>
<p>I know that few people will agree with me, but I would suggest having this conversation with your D and S-in-law jointly It my well be that her H is the stumbling block. She may caught in the middle and, since she is living with her H, she caves. </p>
<p>I agree with Jonri. My d is engaged now and i can see that holidays are going to be problematic in that way because the fiancé is entrenched in his own family obligations which leave no room for our family. I do t want to be the parents who pull either, so we will have to figure it out. Do you think your D or SIL will be resentful of having had to make a change?</p>
<p>In my family, whenever we have issues (fights) between us, we never involved the in-laws, and the in-laws never took sides either. The reason being we always make up no matter what, but if harsh words were exchanged with in-laws it would be harder to recover. As an example, recently my brother had a huge fight with my sister. My BIL and SIL never got involved. My sister’s husband continued to talk to my brother even though my sister was not on a speaking term with my brother. Of course, my sister and brother just made up few days ago. </p>
<p>If my parents want us to do something, they would always tell us and it would be up to us to deliver it to our SO. I think I would do the same with my girls. I could exchange words with my girls, but not so much with their SO. They know me and would forgive me if I should say anything inappropriate. I wouldn’t expect their SO to feel the same.</p>
<p>I am wondering how demanding or accommodating those sets of in-laws are also. Maybe DD and her H choose the path of least resistance when deciding who to disappoint on a holiday, rather than where they would rather be. This stuff can be tough all around. If the walking on eggshells is new post-marriage, I might want to check in with her alone initially, in case she is facing pressures you are unaware of and together could share ideas about the way forward. So easy to take it personally, yet sometimes inexperience is the issue </p>
<p>I would be devastated if any of my kids did this to me. There can be no doubt she knows what Christmas means to you as a family. I wouldn’t speak to the SO but if I couldn’t get the words out face to face I would email her and explain a few things…gosh I’m steaming as if it happened to me!</p>
<p>Is your son-in-law a controlling person? Is this sort of thoughtlessness out if character for your daughter? I don’t have any advice but I’d been concerned that this might be a symptom of an overly controlling marriage and attempts by your son-in-law to isolate your daughter.</p>
<p>I really don’t think he is controlling. She was in a controlling and abusive relationship previously and I really don’t see that in him or in her interactions with him. They seem to have a good relationship and I’m happy about that. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, I think this sort of thoughtlessness is very much in character for her (for them both actually). It is hard to get them to say what they are doing and they usually tell us their plans at the last minute. Last year we thought they were coming for Thanksgiving until a couple of days before. I was less upset about that as I’m not from the US and, while an enjoyable holiday, it is less of an emotional thing for me. We just went out to eat at a Casino. Christmas has always been very important to me.</p>
<p>I did talk to her last year about needing to make plans and let people know in advance because the holidays are important to people and no one wants to be alone. I really tried hard this year to ask her and tell her I wanted to know in advance so I could make plans. We made these plans right before Thanksgiving (which she spent at her in-laws) so I was very upset when she did that today. Still am to be honest. Hopefully I can get over it by Thursday.</p>
<p>I established early on that my own family would avoid offending either side by never leaving our home or entertaining guests on Christmas Day. We would schedule celebrations with the grandparents on other dates near the holiday, but never on it. The kids got to stay home and enjoy their presents, and I got to relax and never worry about serving a big meal. I strongly recommend this strategy.</p>
<p>I feel like there is more going on here than splitting holiday time. What sorts of disagreements are you having with your D? She may simply be voting with her feet, and they are spending time with the people who are easier to talk to and get along with from her viewpoint. In our family, my parents are very vocal politically and on the other end of the spectrum from me and my kids. We don’t visit any more than we have to…</p>
<p>It’s one thing if you have children which might make it difficult to travel around but this is a childless couple who apparently spend every holiday with the in-laws and seem not to care that she upsets her parents. Her father cried for goodness sake…she needs to know that swim…perhaps not before this visit but certainly when you confront her about her behaviour. </p>
<p>I have no good suggestion because our child has not been in that stage of development yet (not married and even not engaged yet.)</p>
<p>But I think that maybe your D happens to have in-laws who are difficult to deal with? Some parents (in this case, your son-in-law’s parents) could treat their child as if their child were young child , even when their child has been an adult and married. What may be worse is that they may even treat their DIL in the same way - just because this woman is married to their son, they think they are entitled to be the dominating/controlling parents to both their son and their DIL.</p>
<p>This is just my speculation only.</p>
<p>I am always suspicious about the whole thing about “marriage is not only the union of two people, but also a union of two families.” It is just unrealistic to have such a “high” expectation. It is already challenging to have a long term good relationship between the couple. It would be even more challenging if we expect that the two families are to be close (“in union”), just because one member of a family is married to one member of the other family.</p>
<p>It sounds like there could also be some issues on the SIL’s side. If his parents are divorced that can sometimes cause a lot of stress with who goes where when, before a new bride even gets added to the picture. It could have less to do with not wanting to be with you and more about his struggle to manage his parents in this situation. </p>
<p>Oh god, I <em>hated</em> going to my mother’s for holidays. Always a fight. It went much better when I saw her at non-holidays. And the same thing with my in-laws (MIL was an alcoholic). Very early in our marriage, DH and I opted not to go anywhere for holidays. </p>
<p>Swimcatsmom–my advice is to let it go. Completely. Don’t compete with your D’s in-laws or make a scene. Invite your daughter and her husband for another time. Use a special occasion that no one could possibly about competing for (St. Swithin’s Day is a personal favorite of mine). Then make it a pleasure, not a chore.</p>
<p>Holiday plans should be on the list of things that need to be discussed before marriage so there’s no misunderstanding. My kids alternate. If they join us for Thanksgiving, then they go to in-laws for Christmas. However, we go to NYC (where they live) for Thanksgiving but this year my son joined his wife’s family for the meal (in Long Island) and came back to my D’s apt for dessert.</p>