<p>@dmd77 We really haven’t made an issue about it before. I just asked her this year to let me know her plans in advance this year so we could make our plans. We usually plan a trip around about this time to see our son (I don’t get much paid vacation and use most of it to go home every summer and see my elderly Mum in England who has dementia, so try and arrange my other trips round holidays so I don’t run out of vacation time or at least minimize unpaid leave). My conversation with her back in November was along the lines of "I just want to know your plans. If you have other plans, we’ll probably leave Christmas day (it is a 1200 mile trip), otherwise we’d leave the next day. I don’t think that was overdemanding. She is the one who said for us to come to them Christmas day so we made our plans accordingly. I don’t think being upset that she changed plans this late is in unreasonable or competing with the in laws. </p>
<p>And we are neither scene makers nor alcoholics. I think we are more like doormats.</p>
<p>I do agree about one thing you said. By letting her know I was upset this time, and her changing her plans, i have made this Christmas into a chore that I am now dreading. </p>
<p>We hope folks go where the love is, but it seems it’s often a compromise. When my inlaws didn’t travel much, we would fly up to spend time with them in earlier Dec and then spend the actual holidays with my family. Our kids wanted to sleep in their own beds and inlaws seemed grateful we flew to be with them and make the season more joyous. </p>
<p>For us, which family had more money didn’t really enter the equation. I don’t think you’re being a doormat in trying to plan ahead–with vacation scheduling, long travel time, etc. it seems quite reasonable to plan ahead (that’s my preference as well). </p>
<p>^^^ @swincatsmom. I totally understand your being upset with your D’s lack of consideration re plans for this holiday. She made a mistake and was hurtful to her parents. </p>
<p>BUT I hope you and your H can move beyond those feelings by Thursday, and are able to have a pleasant, joyful day with your D and her H. She did, after all, ultimately revise her plans out of consideration for you, and my inclination would to give her some positive reinforcement for that redirection. The most important thing you can do is to avoid making her regret celebrating Christmas dinner with her parents. </p>
<p>No need to worry about fancy gifts, IMO. Share a nice toast at the table and try to have some fun, light-hearted table topics. Afterwards, send her and her H a lovely thank-you note.</p>
<p>I hope it goes well and that next year works out better. </p>
<p>Good advice JEM. I certainly plan to try and make it enjoyable. Want to bring whatever she needs (have the most awesome Apple pie in the freezes that a local church makes for a fundraiser), but feel a little awkward asking now. In fact that was the reason for my original text to her - I was wanting to know the plans and then was going to ask what I should bring. Was a little blindsided. </p>
<p>When I was growing up, my mom and her sibs alternated with in-laws so that all of them were together when it was their turn. And they took turns hosting. My grandparents often went with one of their children to the in-laws on the off holiday. My sibs now carry on that tradition, for the most part, as all are within an hour of each other. </p>
<p>H and I were the oddballs to move >200 miles away. We went up every Christmas (7 years) until child #2 arrived, Then we said,Christmas morning in our own home. The years my sibs were with my parents for Christmas, we drove on Christmas to be with everyone. The years they were with in-laws, we went up on the 26th. Luckily my in-laws were 3 miles from my parents. Sometimes they came for dinner, sometimes dessert, sometimes we had another feast on the 27th!</p>
<p>Now, my mom, father in law and husband are gone. When my sibs are not together for Christmas, my dad and they all come to me on the 26th. I still go up on the all together Christmases. MY kids know the routine and are welcome to participate as they can schedule with their spouses/SOs.
Of the 3, two have extenuating family circumstances with divorces, remarriages, half-sibs to see. One couple is 3000 mile away from each home base, in opposite directions.</p>
<p>swimcats, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your D is in the wrong here, IMO. It’s one thing to not spend holidays with you (not that I agree with it)- it’s another to blow off the plans. Even if she changed them, that doesn’t really make it right. </p>
<p>I really hope your Christmas is as joyful and pain free as possible. No one should have to walk on eggshells with their parents or children. I’d call her on it (after Christmas!) and let her know it hurt you. Put the ball in her court. </p>
<p>Again, I’m so sorry for this. (((internet hugs))) </p>
<p>We all read situations like this through the prism of our own experiences. I had a bad marriage…and for a long time, I didn’t recognize just how bad it was. I’d battle with my ex to do something with my parents. If I won, they would still feel resentment about some aspects of their visit. They’d think they were all me…and they weren’t. </p>
<p>That’s my awkward way of saying…you don’t know why your D changed the plans. You also don’t know what it cost her to alter them again so she could invite you for dinner. It may have been a knock down drag out fight with her H and/or her in laws to get them changed. So, don’t show up with a chip on your shoulder. Do your best to make the day pleasant, so IF there was unpleasantness over reinstanting your plans with her, she’ll feel as if it was worth the argument. If you are angry and she senses it, she may feel as if it was a mistake to fight. She may end up with you AND her H and/or in-laws all angry at her. She may think to herself, “Well, now EVERYONE is angry at me. If I’d just told my parents they couldn’t come after all, they’d be angry at me, but my H and/or my in-laws wouldn’t be angry at me too. I argued so much and fought hard to be able to have them for dinner, and they are STILL mad at me, so why did I bother?”</p>
<p>Thanks @jonri - good advice. I do hope it will be a pleasant dinner and certainly won’t show up with a chip on my shoulder. </p>
<p>I honestly don’t think she is in a bad marriage and I don’t get the impression her in laws are unpleasant about these things. In fact, I think they may feel the same frustration I do about the lack of communication and forward planning. </p>
<p>When I was newly married my parents declared any holiday/birthday/anniversary a movable feast. It was such a relief because DH’s family is VERY structured. He is the only one on his side with an in-law conflict and this flexibility helped so much, especially in the early days of establishing family dynamics. (In fact, this thread made me make a note to tell my parents how much I appreciate their flexibility. Did I ever tell them that? Dunno. I need to!)</p>
<p>But the point is to celebrate with the people you love. And we make a big effort to do that. A date on a calendar means less than making time for each other. </p>
<p>OP, I understand the hurt about Christmas day being pulled out from under you. But as others have mentioned, there may be more going on. We’re now one generation forward with conflicting schedules and think it’s all scheduled… as long as O’Hare isn’t snowed in… Merry Christmas from the Mac family on January 3rd! </p>