<p>A lawyer friend of mine tells me that debt incurred by a student before they marry does NOT get included in debt of the partner/one who marries them when it comes to credit scores etc</p>
<p>and yet we know that the debt must be maintained.</p>
<p>We are busting ot so that our K1 and K2 do not go into adulthood with college debt</p>
<p>Community college, state college, privates etc…all have different price points, financing etc.</p>
<p>How would you feel about your ds or dd who is debt free marrying someone with $200k+ in debt?</p>
<p>^^^ Depends what the person in debt does for a living. That question would have a whole different answer if we’re talking about, say, a doctor vs. someone earning a notch above minimum wage.</p>
<p>Two different angles - personally, I would have a hard time if it was tremendous, but I don’t have a line in the sand in my head on what constitutes too much. Particularly since we started our college funds when they were little bitties often choosing saving over other things. </p>
<p>But, I also believe when you get married, you co-mingle funds and become one - what’s yours is theirs and vice versa. I’d rather it be college loans than huge credit card bills because then you know they have a real spending problem. </p>
<p>Luckily hubby and I were both debt free, but flat broke.</p>
<p>I imagine most parents would be worried if one of their kids married a spouse with significant debt. But what’s to be done about it? I don’t think there’s anything we as parents can do about that concern. Maybe mention it once, just to be sure the kid (if he/she is still young and very newly independent) has considered the real-life issues? My own kids would say, “I KNOW, Mom!” in that way they have … We can’t choose their spouses, and many wonderful people have significant college debt.</p>
<p>My Dd is almost too aware of the real-life issues, wondering out loud if she should continue dating a very nice guy who is planning on law school, as she doesn’t “want to marry someone with a lot of student loans.” And it’s just the third date, lol!
I think it’s something that I hope my Dd would discuss with any potential mate, but I’m not sure I’d advise her to run just because an otherwise suitable partner might have a tight budget for a few years to pay off a loan. People can manage a lot when motivated and in love. I supported my Dh through the last years of undergrad and three years of grad school. By the time we had kids, Dh’s income allowed me to stay home with them. Marriage involves a lot of give and take from both partners at different stages of life. “For richer or for poorer” and all the rest.</p>
<p>We had a lot of talks at the dinner table about economics and debt, both national and personal, when the kids were teenagers. Our son has a very good understanding of interest rates. Our daughter isn’t as fast with the math but I’ve forwarded her enough articles from CC on the problems that a lot of college (or mortgage) debt brings to adults and families. There were lots of stories of families getting evicted from their homes several years ago and that can be scary to teenagers.</p>
<p>Of course lust can be a powerful thing and the rational stuff can go out the window if the right person comes along. Our son has a lot of savings and a decent income so he might be able to absorb some debt. We could certainly pay off this kind of debt too - would we do so? I don’t know. I don’t see something like this happening in the near-term so I don’t think about it.</p>
<p>The debt itself wouldn’t be a problem, I would be most concerned with their capacity to pay off that debt. My concern would be based on how the acquired such a large debt (med school or law school, other advanced degree resulting in significant earning capacity would be OK, BS in English Literature might not). I might share my concerns with my DD, but ultimately such a decision would be her choice. I would be more concerned with his character than the money… is he the type to leave her holding the bag, supporting him, or is the debt part of a bigger well-thought-out plan?</p>
He’d need to get that debt under 100K before we can talk about our wedding. </p>
<p>If things play out as the should in the next four years, I should be debt free. It makes things a lot easier (starting your life financially on the right foot, investments, savings, residential properties, cars, etc.) when you don’t have to pay $1000 for student loans every month. </p>
<p>I’ve seen first hand the effects of student loans on a marriage and I know that I would prefer him to be debt free.</p>
<p>Make sure that the person has a <em>really</em> good life insurance policy. Even if the spouse is not legally required to pay the debt after death, the creditor will basically take the entire estate (i.e. half of their assets) to pay what is owed.</p>
<p>To be brutally honest ---- I would have a problem with my debt free child marrying someone loaded with college loans.</p>
<p>I was debt free when I married my college student loan laden husband—he pretty much paid for his entire college education on his own with loans and merit aid and need based aid. My parents were in the fortunate position to be able to pay for my college education, buy me a nice car, and provide a very nice deal on an apartment in a building they owned. My parents never complained but I know they were less than thrilled with the idea that their hard work was subsidizing a nice starter life style for someone else’s kid—even though it was now their son in law. I also know that it was very important for my parent’s that their children not have to deal with student loans so , my father in particular, was not at all happy that student loans were a part of my reality.</p>
<p>As to part of the OP - while my husband’s student loan debt did not impact my credit score it did impact our buying power when it came to buying our first home because we had those monthly student loan payments.</p>
<p>Fortunately, my husband was in a lucrative field and then started his own business. All student loans were paid in full in about 5 years. In the end it all worked out for us but it does not always work this way so I would want my child to be aware of all the ramifications of a large debt.</p>
<p>I don’t see that happening, and if I knew about it, it would trouble me on many levels that I won’t detail here. But I’m sort of wondering why I would KNOW about the finances of my D’s fiance, or why any of that would really be my business. I don’t discuss my finances in detail with my parents. Never have. And I certainly don’t discuss my husband’s debt with them. It’s nobody’s business. It’s ours to handle.</p>
<p>S1 is unmarried and very aware of marrying into debt. He graduated debt free. He’s a military officer. Some of the men under his command married young women who dropped out of college to follow/marry their sailor. Now the wives have minimum wage type jobs (if any)and they’re stuck having to pay off the loans on a college education they never finished… on an enlisted man’s salary. According to S the men are pretty bitter about paying for college loans but no degree/good job.<br>
I’m sure they thought it was totally worth it at the beginning of the relationship but reality is not so romantic.</p>
<p>I have about 50k of loans left, will probably have over 40k when we get married. It may not be 200k, but for the industry I am in it is way too much. We had to come up with a creative financial arrangement to make it work when we moved in together, but it doesn’t seem to faze my fiance. I mentioned, by accident, on the first date that I had some difficult loans, we discussed exactly how much a month or two later when things started getting more serious, and I was terrified to tell him. He didn’t go to college and had about as much saved up when we met as I had in debt. But he is completely non-judgmental about it as long as the payments are being made, and was actually very impressed with me that I was making the payments and had no other debt. </p>
<p>I don’t think his parents know, and I don’t think it’s really their business either… their son is nearly 30 years old and depends on them for nothing, and they are not who we would run to if we had a financial catastrophe. If they did know, though, and were worried, I would understand that. Even if fiance doesn’t judge me for my debt, I judge myself. I get it. But I do think that they have very little reason to worry, in our case. We’ve worked it out. We have joint finances and live that way with no hard feelings-- and when we work together my loans are not that difficult to pay, just an inconvenience. If we wanted to transition to a one income family once we have children, we could easily do that. My loans will be paid off when our family is still very young. It won’t be the end of the world. My fiance is SO proud of my degree and that he will be married to a college girl, prouder of my education than I am by far, and is happy to know there is at least one degree between us. I think it gives him peace of mind that I can go out and get a job if I need to, and I know what I am doing. He doesn’t mind helping me pay for that.</p>
<p>I will say, this is one reason why we bought our home before we got married. My fiance bought it with his credit and financial history alone. We have arranged our life so that my income is extra anyway so that we will have options when we start a family, so it was what we wanted anyway. I also have life insurance.</p>
<p>I would be, too. If someone is financially responsible, I’d be OK with it. If the debt incurred is to advance one’s career as in FenwayMama’s H, I’d be OK with it, too. If it is to be in a namebrand college for a not-so-practical degree, I would not be happy. I wouldn’t be sure this person would carry his/her weight in responsibilities that come with marriage and having kids.</p>
<p>Once the heart is involved, (meaning they are talking about marriage) I don’t see any young people I know walking away from someone they love simply because there is student debt. Matters of the heart are tricky! And for a parent to suggest walking away–well, that can really cause problems!</p>
<p>This hits home for me because my nephew is in medical school and will probably have $250K when he’s done. My sister and BIL paid for his private LAC education, so he started med school debt free. He considered one of the military plans, but opted out. His mom worries about the long road of bill-paying ahead, but she didn’t feel responsible (or have the means, really) to pay for medical school. She’s a worrier, so I hope she doesn’t see this thread…She’ll be convinced he’s also on the road toward bachelorhood! LOL</p>
<p>One of my goals was to enable my kids to start out in life without debt, and I was able to make that happen. One of my sons is in a relationship with a recent graduate who has significant student loans.</p>
<p>She’s a terrific girl. IMO he’ll be lucky if they get married. I’m just glad only one of them has loans. (Doesn’t hurt that she’s got a good job and is considered a “prospect” in the company, though.)</p>
<p>I gather that besides talking about things like # of children, whether a parent stays home to raise them, where to live, are the kids going to be raised a certain faith etc…debt is a necessary money issue/discussion.</p>
<p>While credit card debt or car loans over the ability to manage them seems different than school debt, I am not sure. Would you buy a car you can’t afford? Why buy a school you can’t afford?</p>
<p>Certainly some professsions can offer an income stream (law) however there are many lawyers without good jobs right now.</p>
<p>A lot of school debt with a degree in say anthropology or sociology sounds ominous.</p>
<p>I hadn’t thought about the debt and life insurance. </p>
<p>We are working hard so that our kids don’t go into their young adult lives with debt…and would be distressed if they took on large school debt of a spouse.</p>
<p>My parents launched me without school debt. I had no loans, no car loans and a bit of cash in the bank.
My DH had a car loan and a tiny bit of credit card debt–maybe $2k. My parents were worried.
In our first months of married life, the car was sold and we became a one car household. We worked hard to pay that credit card debt and saved for a downpayment on a house.
Within the first year of marriage, we had bought a house. DH’s salary was about 25k and mine was 18k. (mid 80s)</p>
<p>Had we been managing school loans, we would not have qualified for a mortgage.</p>
<p>I think as the in laws in this scenario you are in a difficult position, because it’s likely that if you find out about your future S/DIL’s loans, you’re not going to get all the details and the full story most likely and it would be prying to push for those details-- and you’d need them to really judge how ominous the situation is.</p>
<p>I used poor judgment as an 18 year old. Even though I researched the hell out of my loans before I took them out I had a really poor understanding of what $500 a month would really mean, or what 10 years of my life would really mean. I saw the numbers and thought, “okay, so it will be hard, but I can’t get a job without a degree so it will just have to be hard.” My thinking was flawed. A lot has changed since then. I am the biggest advocate for cash over credit, I’m very frugal, we always have an emergency fund-- with enough loan payments for a year at minimum set aside, and I would never make this kind of a financial decision again. I don’t ever want to be so stretched or so tied down to a payment again. It was my idea for us to budget using only one income so that we would have flexibility and options. I am the financial planner and backbone of our relationship, and I am the saver. The 25 year old my fiance is going to marry is not very much like the 18 year old that took out those loans. If we were struggling to pay them and I was running around flashing my credit card there would be a real reason to be worried, but I don’t think I need to be condemned forever for the dumb thing I did at 18 now that I am handling it like a mature adult. My MIL would not know that if all she heard was that I took out 60k for a poli sci degree.</p>
<p>There are certainly people that the debt is a big red flag for. My older sister walks around telling people that if she just doesn’t make a payment on her student loans for ten years, they’ll be forgiven-- I don’t know if this is a lie she tells people or if she really believes it’s true, but it’s obviously not. Her and her husband both have giant student loan debt and no degrees, neither one of them managed to finish. They are constantly living outside their means in every aspect of their life and making no effort to pay down their debts, instead they just take out debt to cover debt. That pattern of behavior would certainly frighten me.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is true, as H and I were able to buy our first house while paying back loans. My brother says his girlfriend has over $100k in loans and she just bought a house in her name, only.</p>