<p>My son, a sophmore, has a hearing on Monday. He is on disciplinary probation. Unfortunately I just found out about it from another parent as my son didn’t happen to mention this and because of the privacy laws the school has nothing to say to me. He has basically been stalking a woman student. No threats of any kind, just unwanted attention. His bad behavior is “unnerving” her and I am in no way making excuses for him or trying to minimize what he has done. I’m just looking for information. When we send our children to college our hopes and dreams go with them and I am devastated. First things first, he has started counseling.<br>
If he is suspended what exactly does that mean? Will he have any chance of being admitted to another school? Does the suspension follow him around forever?
One of my first thoughts is to pull him out of school even if he is not suspended (or expelled) for the good of them both. How would this work? I imagine he would have to explain the reason for withdrawing.
I am really sick about this–I have a younger daughter and I certainly would not want her to be the victim of this behavior. Because of the VT murders I am expecting the worst outcome of this.
I would appreciate any constructive feedback.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you.
My advice would be to call your S and see if you can be there for his hearing.
Also get your S’s permission to talk with his therapist, who should be able to give you good advice about how to proceed.
If you hold the purse strings for your S’s college education, you can use that power to encourage your S to get treatment and to allow you to communicate with his therapist.</p>
<p>The college would be best at letting you know what a suspension would mean. My experience is that usually suspended students can return if they have done the actions the college required, which could be taking a certain amount of time off, pursuing counseling or taking classes elswhere such as at a community college and getting decent grades there (typically done if student was suspended due to grade problems).</p>
<p>wow, um…what does your son have to say, we are reallly close to the end of the year, is there anyway if he begs, and groovles, and gets counseling that he could finish this year and transfer? or withdraw volunterily to salvage his college career</p>
<p>its tough being it being a saturday, to get information.</p>
<p>Tigger:</p>
<p>Obviously we can’t offer advice on a specific case. But, in general, I would say to keep your chin up. Most colleges these days are looking to help kids, not bust 'em.</p>
<p>Even in the case of a suspension, the student would be eligible for reinstatement following completion of counseling, etc. In many cases, these suspensions would be “non-notational”, not on the permanent record. It could even be structured as a voluntary leave.</p>
<p>It is also quite possible that there won’t be a suspension, but rather a continued probation accompanied by counseling.</p>
<p>I think the key is that it is crucial that your son show remorse and cooperation.</p>
<p>It is also crucial that you figure out what the heck is going on.</p>
<p>Do you have any other inkling that your son has social difficulties? Has your son been a popular student throughout primary and secondary school? Does he have a history of making lots of close, same-sex friends? Does he have a group of close same sex friends at college?</p>
<p>If not, consider bringing him closer to home to better evaluate and assist him. Along with a lack of same-sex friends, stalking indicates an inability to read social cues. An inability to read social cues MAY indicate a deeper mental disorder. It is essential that your son gets excellent psychiatric evaluation and treatment, the best of the best.</p>
<p>A mild inability to read social cues can be overcome with excellent cognitive therapy. A severe inability to read social cues can be imporved with excellent cognitive therapy.</p>
<p>Finding that therapist and getting the patient to meet regularily can be a challenge.</p>
<p>Good luck and cyber hugs.</p>
<p>Talk to the school and find out information about their procedures. They probably won’t tell you anything about your son’s case, but hopefully you can learn more about the process.</p>
<p>I agree with your instinct to pull him from the school, no matter what. He’s obviously not doing well there. I think that you should follow Cheers’ advice to get him the best help you can while he’s living at home so that you can keep an eye on how he’s doing. In the mean time, you should do as NSM suggested and look into getting permission to speak with his counselor. I do think that he should go home for a period. If this did arise from a lack of ability to judge social situations, it must be very difficult for him. If his problems run deeper than that and the “stalking” was a result of an obsession or was malicious in nature, then you have a larger problem. In any event, this school is not the safest or healthiest place for him to be for anyone involved. </p>
<p>Please keep us informed.</p>
<p>I don’t think that we, as total strangers, not having the first clue what this situation is about should be recommending that the mother yank the kid out of school two weeks before the end of the semester.</p>
<p>That might be good advice. That might not be good advice. We don’t have any basis for knowing.</p>
<p>^^ ^ Amen.</p>
<p>Call your son and let him know that you know. Tell him you are concerned about him and offer to be at his hearing with him. Listen to what he has to say. Above all else be there for him in a positive, supportive manner. The school will follow through with their recommendations at the hearing and then you will have a better idea where you both stand. </p>
<p>Your son does not want to tell you because he is afraid of disappointing you. Let him know you love him and are there for him. he needs someone to have his back right now even if he is totally in the wrong.</p>
<p>ANd yes, as usual, interesteddad has great advice.</p>
<p>Did it cross anyone’s mind yet that perhaps the charges are not well grounded?</p>
<p>Don’t start even thinking about yanking him out of school yet, til you know what happened. That’s why there ARE hearings.</p>
<p>Maybe he has a side, too.</p>
<p>Maybe…the two broke up and he wants to talk to her but she doesn’t want to. So, using a cannonball to squash a fly, she hurled “stalking” charges on him because his “unwanted” attentions “unnerved” her. </p>
<p>I have 2 sons and a daughter, and have taught both genders, and believe me,
sometimes the girls are the persecutors.</p>
<p>How can you establish some COMMUNICATION over the weekend with your son, to see if he has a “side” and is able to represent himself, rather than him being (at the hearing) like a deer in the headlights. Especially if he’s in love with her still, he might not be able to speak properly on his own behalf.</p>
<p>If the school can’t tell you about his case, at least find out: what is this disciplinary hearing, what are his opportunities for representation, for appeal.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, thank goodness he didn’t do anything hurtful to her. Do consider he might be absoLUTELY innocent here, until you know otherwise. </p>
<p>Help him get through the hearing, if he’ll let you. See if he’ll let a family representative drive or fly to the campus to help him speak, if they’re allowed to. Don’t start judging him…</p>
<p>I agree with IDad.</p>
<p>There are so many different issues involved. Can the OP go visit her son? It would be good to talk directly to a dean about these issues and assessing the emotional health of the son. I also concur with P3t that he may be innocent.
Whatever is decided on Monday, he will need a lot of support from his parents. It may be best for him to complete the term; or he may be able to take incompletes and have make-ups in the fall. Or he may be better off attending another college altogether. He may also need a complete medical check-up and perhaps sustained therapy.<br>
Somehow, I doubt this can be decided via long-distance.</p>
<p>Amen again (to paying3tuitions).</p>
<p>Totally agree with paying3tuitions - there’s always more than one side to a story, and, who knows if perhaps it’s the girl who is having trouble reading social signals, not the other way around? This young man could be totally innocent and perhaps the hearing on Monday is simply the standard operating procedure the college must follow if anyone files a complaint, regardless of degree of merit. </p>
<p>I agree with Marite, you cannot possibly sort this out and evaluate solution-oriented options from a distance.</p>
<p>Regardless, based on what little is known so far, pulling him out of school seems like the wrong thing to do, and, even if or perhaps especially if he’s totally in the wrong here, it seems like the healthiest and best thing for him might be to remain in school and continue making progress towards improvement, etc.</p>
<p>Agree with 3tuitions. The immediate goal has to be focused on fact-finding, both in terms of what happened and what your son has to do to prepare for this hearing.</p>
<p>There are several types of hearings (generally speaking), so without even knowing that most basic of details, it’s just impossible to make predictions.</p>
<p>I would say, again generally speaking, for the colleges I’m familiar with, the fact that he is in college counseling and still on campus is a good sign. In a sitution of physical danger, students are removed from campus immediately. Usually, the kind of formal hearing that would result in a suspension does not occur for some period of time. Everthing leading up to that point is “dean’s justice” trying to figure out what needs to be done, often in conjunction with the recommendations of counseling services. Very few situtations reach the formal hearing stage. The course of action is usually worked out informally, hopefully in the best interest of the student.</p>
<p>But, again, with no facts (and I really don’t think you should share them here), we can only talk in generalities. For example, do you know the exact type of hearing and who the hearing is with?</p>
<p>I considered that he may have done nothing wrong and that the girl was just over-sensitive, but the fact that he didn’t immediately assert his innocence and the rest of the story to his mother and others made me have doubts. I did not state that he should leave school immediately, but if the charges do have a foundation, he should spend time at home resting and getting any help that he needs, and then I think that it would be best for him to start over somewhere new. Again, it does not sound as if he is succeeding (non-academically) in his current school. I stand by my comments.</p>
<p>regarding complaints/charges/hearings.</p>
<p>ie: <a href=“http://www.upenn.edu/osc/process.html[/url]”>http://www.upenn.edu/osc/process.html</a></p>
<p>You might be able to access the rules on the website for disciplinary hearings at his school. He may have been given material on this. You really need to call him and find out in case he can have legal representation there. After this last week I can see schools having knee jerk reactions.</p>
<p>crosspost w/hazmat</p>
<p>
**<br>
What? Your allegiance is to your son. I don’t quite get this part of your post. I am also confused as to whether your son was on “probation” prior to this complaint? It seems rather premature to have a probation prior to a hearing? Do you have some clarity on that?</p>
<p>If you do establish communication tonight or tomorrow and find you can’t get there, you could also ask if wants to:
- when the hearing opens, ask for a continuance (delay) of X number of days so that family CAN be present at the hearing. Let your son know this weekend how many days it would take you to get out there, so he has an answer for how many days’ delay are needed. </p>
<ul>
<li><p>bring a sane, straight talking friend of his to sit with him at the hearing, for emotional support or to speak on his behalf at times if he’s not clearly representing himself</p></li>
<li><p>Encourage him to prepare for the hearing. Write down in advance notes on the sequence of events, or a statement about how he feels or views the situation, whatever he expects to SAY there… to be read at the hearing, just in case he doesn’t speak well off-the-cuff. (I’m someone who clams up at hearings and such, so I thought of this). </p></li>
<li><p>I agree it’s important to be cooperative, but I wonder about being contrite if the girl’s a phony.
If you or he think the charges are not well grounded, when on the phone, teach him to say, “I’m sorry for the misunderstandings” rather than “I’m sorry for what I did” if he didn’t DO anything.
Kids apologize for things they didn’t do and then it gets thrown back at them as an admission of guilt.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>I’m surprised nobody mentioned the “L” word: get a lawyer. Usually an institution will involve the police once it has gotten this far even if the alleged victim has not. The least of his problems may be the school.</p>