<p>A worst case scenerio would be having to leave school immediately /not in good standing and forfitting an entire semesters tuition/room&board. I’d talk to son asap and have legal representation if at all possible.</p>
<p>Interesting. Only the OP knows her son and knows the institution. I don’t think Tigger was talking about yanking him out before the end of term–I think she was talking about preventing him from returning in the fall–aft3r a summer of observation. </p>
<p>To me, disciplinary probation is a red-flag for a parent, a time to take an objective look at the child’s behavior–hopefully with the help of family and a seasoned professional.</p>
<p>In this case, the OP has two complaints agaisnt her son. One complaint by a fellow student–and another complaint from the university which has presumably confirmed the harassment. </p>
<p>It is a good idea to attempt to confirm their complaint–but maybe difficult under the privacy laws.</p>
<p>I do think the overall social ability of the student should be considered. If he is a typcial boy with one hundred great mates and a few girlfriends, then the cause for worry is slighlty reduced. If he is a loner, struglling to make friends, then the stalking is a huge huge worry.</p>
<p>My stance comes from being on the other end of such a complaint–when a boy was expelled for assault on a student/threatened assault on a female student but his litigious boomer parents sued the school and forced them to take him back–whereupon the school banned him from the section of campus where he once lived–and Housing, without access to his assault background, placed him as a roommate in my son’s room, thank you very much.</p>
<p>Forgive me if I recoil at the suggestion that the first thing the parent should do is get a lawyer for her troubled son. Get the kid some help.</p>
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**
I’d have to ponder that one. I think you are saying that the female student has filed with law enforcement…and that University Charges stem from that. Am I getting what you said correctly?</p>
<p>Most schools do not allow legal representation at disciplinary hearings. You would probably be allowed to attend the hearing, but not allowed to speak. You can only help him if you have knowledge of the situation and the university regulations. Hopefully you can be with him and encourage him to fill you in on what is happening in his life, so that you can make sure he gets whatever professional help he needs, on an ongoing basis. The mental health and student affairs professionals at his school do want to help all students, and they can tell what the structure of the process is and what the repercussions might be. Encourage your son to be cooperative in every way. Good luck.</p>
<p>I read that as one complaint morphed into two actions but maybe that’s wrong.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree with the advice to get a lawyer. As recent events have already demonstrated, accusations can be very damaging, and heaven help the young man if he’s done nothing wrong and the young woman is simply taking things way out of proportion (sp?), and the college is responding because it has no other choice but to take all such complaints seriously. But even if the young man is totally at fault, there is great value in having a lawyer on hand to prevent further damage and steer a wise course towards a productive solution.</p>
<p>Knowledge of the system…the procedure…student rights. Most discipline hearings have provisions for Faculty to be present for the student. Who knows how clearly this student understands the process???</p>
<p>“For the good of them both”–Tigger Mom, I am really impressed that you are concerned with the welfare of the girl as well as with finding the best solution to your son’s situation.</p>
<p>Not a psychologist or a lawyer here, so I really have no basis for comment, but I’m a bit unnerved that everyone is saying that you should DEMAND your son give up his right to confidentiality. While I understand that you obviously want to know what’s going on, confidentiality is his right, and it exists for areason. I imagine your son might be less inclined to talk openly about what is going on if he knows you can hear everything. Just my $.02 .</p>
<p>Going back to the OP’s original post you said that there is a hearing coming up but also that your S is already on disciplinary probation? This seems to suggest that was an earlier proceeding and hearing in order to already be on probation, in which case you probably do want to find out as much as possible about the school’s policies and procedures and what a suspension means (if this is the case, a suspension unfortunately does seem quite likely). </p>
<p>My freshman S had disciplinary charges brought against him at the end of last semester and a hearing was held at the beginning of this semester; is currently on a deferred suspension so is still attending school and will be on probation all next year as well (although I do not really understand the difference between the two, since my understanding is that were he to violate even the most minor of policies during his probation, the school could suspend him). In his case, both he and I received a notice of the hearing a few weeks before it was held (he had given permission for parents to receive grades, etc, and apparently that waiver included access to this sort of information as well). </p>
<p>My S met with an officer from the student conduct office a few days before the hearing to tell his side of the story; S did not attend the hearing since he had admitted to the charges and the student conduct officer basically presented his recommendation at the hearing. Proceedings were closed to parents and lawyers and since he was admitting to the charges, no witnesses were called. I spoke to the student conduct director after my S first met with him and he was able to explain different scenarios and possible outcomes to me. S was also allowed to have me and a few other people submit character statements on his behalf. After the hearing, a written decision was provided to S the following morning (and mailed to me) which also listed the different sanctions/deadlines that had to be met including moving off campus, alcohol counseling, and community service. </p>
<p>I realize that all schools operate differently but I would still expect that they are legally required to have similar procedures as at S’s school, such as written notice before any hearing and written decisions. And even if the school cannot discuss specifics with you they should still be able to explain the polcies as well as the significance of a suspension or probation in general terms. It seems like you should try to discuss this more with your S both to get more of the facts if he is willing to provide them, and also to get a better understanding of his current emotional state, as well as learn what you can about all the school’s policies student conduct policies and the effect of a suspension. I do not have a clear understanding of the effect of a suspension either but just as an example here is what my S’s school’s code of conduct says about the effects of a disciplinary record:</p>
<p>“What is a disciplinary record ?
1 . The University will permanently maintain the disciplinary records of those students separated from Northeastern by suspension or expulsion. The comment “Withdrawn, Expulsion” will be printed on the student’s transcript if the student is expelled. The comment “Withdrawn, University Action” will be printed on the student’s transcript if the student is suspended.
2 . The University will destroy the disciplinary records of those students who received sanctions other than separation upon graduation from Northeastern.
3 . If a student withdraws from the University, disciplinary records will be maintained until the student’s original expected graduation date. If the student re-enters the University, the records will be destroyed upon graduation.
Students who have been charged with a violation and are found not responsible are considered to have no disciplinary record.”</p>
<p>I wish you and your S all the best and feel the pain, anguish and stress you must be going through having just gone through it myself! And regardless of the outcome, I hope your S is getting the help he needs and will be able to move on with his life and put this behind him…</p>
<p>wolf:</p>
<p>We are all just shooting in the dark. But, as a parent, I would be trying to unlock as many doors as necessary to reach the point where somebody can give me a cogent summary of what is going on.</p>
<p>That may come from the student. That may come with a conference with the student, parent, and dean. It may come from a conference with the student, counselor, and parent.</p>
<p>Obviously, if the goal is to do the best thing for the student, that goal can only be achieved with some knowledge of what the student needs.</p>
<p>Frankly, I think any half-decent Dean or Counselor would welcome that discussion…or would offer assurances that it is not that big a deal and the student seems to be working things out OK with the resources available at the school.</p>
<p>In discussing the confidentiality laws during parents orientation, the Dean, the head of Health Services, and the Head of Psych Services said that they figure out a way to get the parents involved when they need to…sometimes by dialing the phone and handing it to the student. It is not in the school’s interest to push away a resource that can help the kid.</p>
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**</p>
<p>They have granted your son time and a procedure for redemption…should he fail to meet the requirements OR commit other rule infractions…HAMMER TIME.<br>
Nice that they worked it out this way…he lives off campus so that is now on you or property owner. It sounds like your son is doing well. Nice share…</p>
<p>Thank you all for some very thoughtful replies. We will be on campus on Monday and will speak to the Dean and await the results of the hearing. Even with hindsight there are no red flags that I’m aware of. Sociable kid, long term friends, mostly male but female also, merit scholarship, part-time job, insane course load, active in many clubs–I don’t know how he found the time to stalk her. A few of you have expressed the thought that it’s her. The fact is that he was told no contact and he called her. This was not the first time which is why he is on disciplinary probation. Therapy appts are in place. The conditions I have set are that we must know that he attends the sessions but I don’t think I have a right to the content.
I do believe that the hearing will end his career at this school by virture of the fact that this is not the first time. I also think that for the safety of the student a woman’s word holds more wait than a man’s–sometimes it just has to be that way.
I have contacted our attorney for some general info as I think it is a possibility that after VT there is more of a tendency to report any “odd” behavior. His recommendation is if the family goes to the police to pull him out ASAP.
Once again, thanks for the support.</p>
<p>You sound as if you are handling the situation as best you can. Good luck.</p>
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<p>If you reach the point where that is a foregone conclusion, then I would push for a voluntary withdrawal, ideally at the end of the semester.</p>
<p>Without knowing the school, I’m actually thinking a year off. Even the most egregious cases at my daughter’s school are usually couched as a suspension…even when the conditions for re-entry make it a de facto expulsion. They are looking to solve the problem, not ruin the kid’s life.</p>
<p>I agree with interesteddad–I think that is the course of action that seemed to be recommended at my S’s school; my understanding of their policy was that if you left the school and tried to enroll somewhere else, the suspension record would be on your transcript but if you returned and graduated it would be destroyed. His school specifically scheduled hearings for cases that occurred too late in the fall semester to hear them before break, during the first week of the spring semester specifically to allow students a full tuition refund if they “voluntarily withdrew.”</p>
<p>Tiggermom, I also agree with Interesteddad about the voluntary withdrawal – unfortunately I think your sense is right, and with the VT situation no college is going to be taking any chances. It’s unfortunate, because in the wake of this sort of horrendous crime, everything else does get blown out of proportion – but this is not a time when anyone will be prepared to give your son the benefit of the doubt. </p>
<p>I do want to really commend you for your ability to stay objective and see the other viewpoint – it’s hard when your instincts are to rally to the defense of your son – but at the same time I think objectivity will help you get through this and get more meaningful help for your son in the long run.</p>
<p>In case the other family is at the hearing on Monday, I would not mention the possibility of “going to the police”, or be grateful to them for not having done so yet, etc… in case that’s the last thing on their minds. Just don’t utter the words.</p>
<p>Can someone update me as to why making unwanted phone calls is necessarily “stalking”?</p>
<p>If a friend that I want to distance myself from calls me at 6 p.m. and I don’t care for it, am I allowed to get a town ordinance against him such that if he violates it, he must go out of business? </p>
<p>I have the option, for example, when I want to hide, shun or avoid someone of using my caller-ID and other screening devices on my cellphone. So do teen girls.</p>
<p>I don’t get it, really. As long as his call was not threatening to her, obscene, or filled with heavy breathing, then I think this trend is too much. </p>
<p>I find it crazy.</p>
<p>A guy calls you up. You don’t like it. You ask him to stop calling. He persists.
You call in the COLLEGE ADMINISTRATION?? And they say “do not call this other student because she doesn’t want you to call her.” And when you seek her out to ask, “why did you DO that to me?” – strike two, now you get put on probation. </p>
<p>And if you call her after that (which seems to be where the mom thinks the son is right now) you will probably get thrown out of school and you also risk being reported to the police at any moment…? Because she wanted to break up and he didn’t…it’s a bit much for me to comprehend.</p>
<p>Before she called in the administration, did she ever clearly say, “Do not call me anymore?” </p>
<p>All of these things would be questions I’d ask both students if I had to hear out this case. I honestly think 5 years ago that this would not be in a court type hearing at all. How often and how clearly did she say to the boy, “BUG OFF”</p>
<p>If never, that should be understood and mentioned by the boy.</p>
<p>The mom seems more ready than anybody to railroad her son, and that makes me nervous. No “a woman’s word” can be completely dishonest, and that’s not fair to your son. I realize this is very very hard for you, and you want to get to the root of this with your son. You’ve got him counseling. I really hope the hearing gives him a chance to express his point of view. I respect you for being ready to have him resign from school, and surely you’re preparing yourself emotionally. But please don’t be a party to a politically correct monkey trial, either. </p>
<p>You may think I’m an apologist or enabler for bad boy behavior, but I’m thinking it may be swinging too far in the other direction and it’ll become too simple for girls to swing restraining orders around whenever they want to ditch a guy.</p>
<p>Doesn’t anyone just handle their problems any more?</p>
<p>I’m not a lawyer, but I would hope that “stalking” is clearly defined…what it is, and what it isn’t. I imagine it’s more than just unwanted phone calls as we all have those.</p>
<p>paying3tuitions, I think its fair to assume that it’s more than a couple of phone calls. For the reasons you suggest, most girls would not initiate a formal complaint unless things were far enough out of hand to be very distressing – and rather than seeing a parent “railroading” her son, I see a parent who is probably aware of details she would rather not disclose but which have already brought her way past the point of denial or making excuses. </p>
<p>And no, the world hasn’t gone crazy but this is a bad time. 32 kids are dead and about the only thing anybody can point a finger on right now is that the kid was kind of weird and sent some bothersome but not threatening IM’s to a couple of campus girls. So now its another college and another kid, but it is a profile of a kid who was explicitly told that he was on probation and that the one thing he absolutely must not do would be to contact the girl who complained against him… and what does he do? He calls her.</p>
<p>So either he has an unhealthy compulsion to call the girl or else he has a troublesome unwillingness to obey orders – but apparently he is not denying having called the girl after being instructed not to. </p>
<p>In the real world the consequence for violating a restraining order is often jail. </p>
<p>Quite frankly I don’t see a choice for the college – although maybe there is an outside chance that the semester can be salvaged and the kid will be allowed to take his final exams. </p>
<p>I feel some empathy for the mom… but I don’t think that sometimes a good parent has to help their kid understand that there are consequences to their action. I’m sure that if there was another “side” to this story the son would have told the mom.</p>