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<p>All good news Tigger. When you get him home for the summer,. you should still have him evaluated–and try to get him in to see a cognitive therapist to review appropriate responses to social cues from girls–and how to cope with impulsive thoughts (wait ten minutes 
). Stay clear-eyed. you are doing a great job. No matter what happens at the hearing, he should be able to right his tippy boat one way or another.</p>
<p>Good luck. We will be thinking about you.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if it is something simple like drinking being involved. I mean – boys away at college drink, and boys do & say dumb things drunk that they wouldn’t do sober. And a kid who was sociable and had lots of friends and is well adjusted in high school could easily turn into a kid with a drinking issue in college.</p>
<p>Calmom- it’s called “DWD”- Dialing While Drunk. 
(wildChild has mastered this)</p>
<p>I have been following this thread with interest. I agree that there appears to be some sort of obsession with this girl that she perceives as frightening or creepy. It happens all the time-even to the best of kids such as Tigger Mom’s son. Unfortunately, in the eyes of this girl and the university, the boy overstepped. I applaud Tigger Mom for being realistic about her son and his chances in this matter. Many parents aren’t. I don’t think she is selling him out- she is simply evaluating what happened and how it will be viewed. It is also true that in the immediate aftermath of VT, this takes on a whole new dimension.
That said, she (and the lawyer who should be brought in) should fight fiercely for the result with the least long-term effect. Finishing the semester (even if off-campus), then a year off with a suspension that will later be removed- seems like a good plan to me.</p>
<p>I, too, admire and respect Tigger Mom for appearing to be realistic about what happened, and wanting to be supportive both to her S and to the girl.</p>
<p>I think that Tigger Mom should do what she can to be at the hearing and to meet with her S and the dean as well as his counselor (and one can meet with a counselor without getting all of the details of counseling sessions), who can give Tigger Mom a read on whether her S appears to be seeriously mentally or is simply a young man with bad judgement, poor social skills, or an alcohol problem that impaired his judgment. The mother needs to know this information from the therapist’s mouth in order to continue to help her son. For instance, is her S someone who could benefit from going to Alcoholics Anonymous and being totally abstinent from alcohol or is he someone who could benefit by being in group therapy or taking antipsychotic medication after having a thorough physical to rule out a physical reason for his behavior. (One of my friend’s daughters began acting bizarrely last year and ended up having a brain tumor.)</p>
<p>I do not think that Tigger Mom should get a lawyer involved unless it’s just to get general advice. I have been a college faculty member, and headed a departmental committee on plagiarism. We had the power to suspend students from campus. Most students showed up at the hearing, spoke their case, and then faculty gave them whatever punishment that the faculty thought would get the message accross. Faculty like students, even students who make mistakes, so the idea was never to ruin any student’s life.</p>
<p>However, one student did get a lawyer involved, and that caused the university’s lawyer to get involved since everything was being so scruitinized. Instead of faculty’s being able to focus on doing what one could to teach a student an important lesson while not ruiniing the student’s life, the faculty and administrators had to spend a lot of time basically covering their butts in case of a lawsuit. The student showed up a that hearing with her mother and lawyer, and that definitely changed the tone of everything because it seemed that the student and her mother were far more interested in saving the student’s butt (and this student had blatantly plagiarized) than helping the student learn from her mistake. It’s hard to seem remoursful if one shows up at a school hearing like this with a lawyer at one’s elbow.</p>
<p>I also fear that if you show up with a lawyer or of the school finds out a lawyer is involved, that may cause the girl to get a lawyer herself and to press charges. Particularly after the Virginia Tech situation, people will probably be less inclined to let colleges handle this kind of situation. The college itself probably now is considering ending handling such cases through campus methods. </p>
<p>While I understand that you and your S would like him to finish the semester – even if that means that he’d do it from home – it appears that your S’s behavior put him in this situation, and the college may be very much within their rights to suspend him and to tell him that he has to do the entire semester over. Having him do the semester from home or finish the semester later would put an additional burden on professors, which isn’t fair to them. Many classes depend on class participation, labs and similar things. </p>
<p>When I was a professor, I didn’t mind having to make various exceptions for students who were, for instance, ill or had to miss classes because of dying parents or other emergencies. . I would have balked, however, at being expected to create special rules for someone who got suspended from school due to violating the school’s rules.</p>
<p>Yes, this semester will probably end up being money down the drain . To me, however, part of your S’s taking responsibility for his actions would be his doing what it takes to borrow or otherwise replace the money that you spent to support him in school this semester.</p>
<p>You have many wise advisors here, Tigger Mom. My thoughts are with you and your son tomorrow. Please drive safely. I am sorry you have to go through all this to find a right path for your son, but you will. Your clearheadedness and resolve will see you all through. Nobody has been Hurt (capital “H”) but there is damage you’ll be able to weather, whether it requires time, money, counseling, reschooling…these are all tools to understand and repair a bad situation. </p>
<p>Also, please accept my sincere apologies if I said anything that hurt more than helped you think this weekend. You were smart and brave to write on this site.</p>
<p>Count me in on that as well. Godspeed, calm and confidence to you both. I know I would surely want my folks behind me and standing in the wings. You are brave and I cannot imagine your angst. Best of outcomes to you and your son.</p>
<p>Talking to a lawyer and getting advice is different from marching into the hearing with one. I’m sure there are lawyers in town there who are well-versed in these matters. It is worth a consult, but perhaps it can wait until the options are set forth at the hearing. Buy some time.</p>
<p>Tigger Mom, Good luck at the hearing. I really feel for you. I also agree with your feeling that your son’s timing couldn’t be worse, and that there is a good chance that he will be caught by a backlash to the VT shootings. Behavior like this will be dealt with very harshly, as administrators will prefer the risk of over reacting to youthful indiscretion vs what they now perceive as the possible risk of ignoring a threat to the community.</p>
<p>But college adminsitrators also pride themselves on being rational beings and taking the long view, too. THere’s a concept called “change of venue” which is that there are some locations where it’s not possible to get a fair trial (I know this is a hearing, not a trial), and a judge determines to move the location.</p>
<p>Well, this particular week, if it’s not fair anywhere on a campus to be heard over the issue of “stalking” then perhaps there’s a point to be made for a “change of time venue.” It is just too hard to listen to these issues and not overract. TiggerMom could reflect on whether she’d want to ask for a time delay simply because of this, if she thinks that’s going to result in a better (more fair, all around) airing of the issues and assigning of consequences.
Perhaps she’d prefer to see a decision made sooner, versus later, but if it
could be better later then I’d say the two situations (change of venue and change of time) are logically comparable, to be brought up.</p>
<p>I worked in a school and whenever we had a meeting about door security, the decisions were lax unless there had recently been a shooting incident somewhere, in which cases foolish decisions/expenditures were made as band-aids because people at the meetings got too excited.</p>
<p>…Unfortunately I just found out about it from another parent as my son didn’t happen to mention this and because of the privacy laws the school has nothing to say to me…</p>
<p>I find this interesting! - Mom just found out (from another parent!!!) - and the hearing is on monday - so basically - this means that the S has been dealing with this himself - and maybe has resolved to abide by what the hearing determines. This being his second situation - he is already on probation - he may realize what he will be facing and may be ready to face the consequences of his actions.</p>
<p>Most student disiplinary hearings don’t include any parent or lawyer - some don’t even include the student in attendance - but is a review of the information/charges against the student. The outcome is usually pretty straight and narrow - by the policies of the school - which the student should be well acquainted with. I would expect that the outcome and recommendations will need to be abided by immediately - there will be little opportunity to appeal their decision.</p>
<p>I do wish you the best of luck and hope that the outcome of all of this will positively benefit your son in the long run. It does sound as tho he needs some counseling/treatment to get to the bottom of they why’s and why nots in the hope to improve his opportunities in the future. I am sure you will have a better understanding of what your S has done and the possible outcomes after tomorrow.</p>
<p>You’ve been given good advice here, TM. As the mom of a 2nd year college son who’s made his share of mistakes and stupidities since going away to college, I am with you in spirit this week. There are some hard knocks for some of our boys on the way to becoming fully independent, that’s for sure. I hope this resolves in the best way for all concerned and that you and your S are brought closer together from the process. It’s so difficult knowing how to parent in situations like this, but you sound very level-headed, fair-minded and generous. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Thinking of you this AM and hoping for a reasonable outcome. The very best we can do for our kids is to stand by them so they know they are not alone.</p>
<p>Best of luck, Tigger Mom, at the hearing this morning. I’m sure that this is a very difficult time for both your son and you. Hang in there. And {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Thinking of you. Hope all works out for the best.</p>
<p>Another mom who signed on to say I am thinking of you this morning, TiggerMom. You have been, as momof2inca said, so level-headed, fair-minded and generous. But we moms know how much this is tearing at you, I am sure. Keep the faith. We are with you in spirit.</p>
<p>Tiggermom – based on what you’ve posted, I find your objectivity very admirable, and I think that will help your son deal with this situation. Best wishes to you and your son. I hope he will be able to get whatever help he needs so that he can accept the consequences of his actions and then put this behind him and move on with his life.</p>
<p>Good Luck. Stay strong. From another mom whose S has done *** things. I feel for you, and hope that things get better soon.</p>
<p>Tiggermom, please let us know how things went. This has got to be a very difficult time for all of you.</p>
<p>Good thoughts coming your way Tiggermom and Tiggerson.</p>
<p>More well wishes for a good outcome. I also have two S’s who have made bad decisions to do things (in a very public arena) I never would have dreamed of. They have each paid their dues and are moving on. I hope your S gets it all sorted out and moves on too. Wishing you good luck and strong love.</p>