<p>My youngest got a half academic scholarship to go to a respected private high school. Unfortunately, the school is some distance from our house and is going to cause a lot of disruption in our family routine. As a result, we really tried to encourage her to attend the local high, from which her older sister just graduated with much success (great college acceptances and headed to an Ivy). She really, really wanted the private school, and we finally relented and said we would try it for a year. Over the summer, one of the girls in the class started posting “mean things” on my daughter’s MySpace and sending her e-mails saying things like “you will have to find your own friends…I am not going to help you…good luck.” Now my daughter wants to withdraw from private school which only has about 60 per class and thus about 30 girls. She says “mean girl” is very popular already since she has been at the school for a while. I am now contractually bound to private school for the year. Is there anyone out there who would pay the contract, but let the kid go to public school (350-400 students) just to avoid the life disruption? Or would anyone try to talk to new school about it? Or would you just tell child that she made her decision, so go deal with it? I am really interested in opinions.</p>
<p>Print the rude comments and the nasty girl’s myspace page and bring them to the headmistress. Hopefully you have more weight as a “customer” since you are paying tuition at a private school as compared to a public school. </p>
<p>I am the one of the least tech. savvy people on this board but I do know that your daughter can always delete someone as a friend on myspace and then comments won’t be posted to her page as only friends can post “public” comments. I’m sure there is a way to send the nasty girl’s email directly to junk as well</p>
<p>I… would say she made her choice, so deal with it. It’s not like the local high is horrendous, quite the opposite in fact. But she chose to attend the private hs with its attached price tag (though I don’t know how much it is after the scholarship) and the disruption it brings to your family. It IS only a year, no matter how long it seems to your daughter now. The way I see it, she’ll meet people like that sooner or later. She’ll have to learn how to deal with them sooner or later too. Besides, this experience should teach her to really think before she acts. =)</p>
<p>Have you asked whether you can withdraw from the contract? </p>
<p>Is this private school difficult to get into, and does it have students on a waiting list? If so, as a legal matter, the school might have to let you withdraw – generally, if you pull out of a contract, the other side has a legal duty to “mitigate” damages, by finding a replacement - and they can only charge you the difference between what you would have paid and what they end up getting. So if you were going to pay $5000 tuition, and there is someone else waiting in line who is willing to pay that $5000 tuition, the school can’t force you to pay. Since your daughter has a half scholarship, it is possible that (a) that scholarship can go to someone else, or (b) the school can take a full paying student in her place. Either way, you are doing someone else a favor by notifying the school immediately of your daughter’s change of plans. </p>
<p>As a practical matter, there is not much they can do in any case, except refuse to refund your deposit and any funds already paid. They really can’t enforce a promise to pay tuition in court if you never actually enroll and they can find another student to replace her-- but you need to notify them ASAP that your daughter will not be coming. </p>
<p>Because you didn’t want your daughter to attend this school in the first place, you probably should allow her to pull out – otherwise you are looking forward to a situation where she may be miserable, and at the same time your whole family routine has been disrupted with school commute - so everyone is miserable. </p>
<p>If it wasn’t for that issue, I’d suggest that you ask your daughter to show you the “mean” things posted in myspace – I’m not so sure from what you’ve said that the girl is trying to be mean. <i>you will have to find your own friends…I am not going to help you…good luck.</i> could be just blunt but honest, depending on context – so you’d want to see what your daughter may have written to this girl as well as what she has said to your daughter. In other words, maybe your daughter initiated contact via a myspace group for the school, and the “mean” girl simply isn’t interested in starting a friendship via a myspace contact, so the “good luck” might be sincere. </p>
<p>It would be important to get a good sense of things simply because you wouldn’t want to push your daughter into a situation where other girls were ganging up and ostracizing her – but if it simply is a matter of your daughter’s overtures toward one girl being rejected, maybe things would work out.</p>
<p>I agree with Motherdear about showing the headmaster the emails, etc. Depending on his/her reaction and concern, I would then make my decision. If the headmaster brushes the whole thing off as being silly, I wouldn’t want my child attending that school and would let the headmaster know it. Perhaps then they might let you out of the contract with a minor penalty.</p>
<p>Children who are bullied and ostrasized at school can become depressed which can negatively affect every part of their lives, including their school work. Personally, I would vote to see what steps the headmaster suggests. If I wasn’t satisfied, I would run very fast to the public high school.</p>
<p>My daughter attended a very small middle school and ran into a similar situation. Her “best friend” from elementary school was very jealous of my daughter and she and her new clique decided to ostracize her. I unfortunately did not find out about it until the next school year. I do wish I had pulled her out at that time. In our case, one of the top administrators was related to the girl so I did not have the option of talking with them. With a small school and “mean girls” there are very limited options for friendships. Five years later, these girls are still just as “mean”. They are so sweet in front of the teachers, but treat my daughter as if she does not exist other times. I like the idea of discussing with the administration and seeing their reaction. However, there is no guarantee that will help and there may even be a backlash with more support for the “mean girl”. I do think this situation negatively affected my daughter. She is very cautious when making new friends. Thankfully your daughter is talking to you about it and that will help in making your decision. Small schools do have some major disadvantages. Good luck to your daughter.</p>
<p>This happened to my daughter, though it was a “mean boy” who had been subtley harrassing her for some time. I printed the offending information and forwarded it to both my daughter’s advisor and the head of school (also a small private school with class size ~65 kids). All the crap stopped and she had a happy year. I’d recommend sending her to start. You can withdraw her at any time and send her to public school during the year if it is too big a mess.</p>
<p>No mention was made of ANY positives about DTR entering this small private school. Try to print the e-mails to save some money.</p>
<p>If you withdraw her, “mean girl” wins, and what type of message is that to reinforce? It will be extremely difficult, and quite honestly, D may have no friends the first year, but I think she should see it through. Socially cruel people like this are often, paradoxically, the most popular in school. But people generally see straight through them and they are popular because people don’t want to be on their bad side. She needs to hold her head up, let it roll off her back and like I’ve always told my kids, don’t give people like that any ammunition. That means–just be yourself-- neither ingratiate yourself with that person nor intentionally infuriate. There are other people at that school that would jump at the chnace to band together with someone else strong to resist the lure of popularity. Also, at a very small school, she should be able to forge relationships with faculty that will make the effort worthwhile. Maintain her relationships with friends she had at her old school–eventually she will find her niche (however small) at the new one. Dealing with people like this is a fact of life, but it seems that to “cut and run” is only giving them more power. It will make D stronger in the long run and give her the ability to withstand peer pressure–it will also make her more empathetic to underdogs.</p>
<p>Okay, most private schools can do what they want, and when they see kids bullying in public like this, they usually want to stop it, if for nothing else, bad publicity</p>
<p>1- Contact MYSPACE, and have that girls account shut down…she was harrassing your daughter, and myspace will blcok her immediately</p>
<p>2- Print out whatever you have, walk it into the school, also, track to see whereever else this girl posted mean things, she is a bully and a harrasser, and the term “mean girl” almost sounds quaint</p>
<p>3- Get the book Queen Bees and Wannabess and read it and give it to your D, mine girl had mean girls in her small school, and this book was so empowering </p>
<p>4- The school also has its own contract to protect your daughter, and if this mean girl is taking school stuff out of the school they need to set a policy that it is unacceptable, most private schools will do something</p>
<p>5- Bet if you REALLY want to leave, you can get out of the contract with some nicely worded threats to other girls family</p>
<p>6- Are other girls at school buying into the bullying, by forwarding messages, making comments back, or are they kind of letting it go?</p>
<p>Have you printed out the comments at all, or done anything at all?</p>
<p>I saw some really mean posts once about this girl some girls wanted to beat up etc…didn’t even know the girls, but figured out the school, printed out comments, sent them to the school and the local police and to myspace</p>
<p>Accounts got deleted, and from tracking the “friends” of mean posters, action was taken by the PUBLIC school</p>
<p>And ask for your money back…really…make a stink if you do pull out, make some threats to go public, whatever you need</p>
<p>Actually I think I responded with advice that is a bit too drastic for the actual comments that were quoted by the OP.</p>
<p>Saying you need to “find your own friends” is not a threat by any means. Your daughter can still block the girl from making comments by unfriending her on myspace. Print them and save them for “evidence”. But to me, the girl hasn’t said anything threatening or bullying.</p>
<p>A few comments.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>It would be good to find out in which context the “mean girl” made the comments she made. Was she responding to the D’s own postings? What exactly did she say?</p></li>
<li><p>If indeed, the comments were mean, they are indicative of more problems down the road. Once the girls are in school together and interacting with other students, the mean behavior–if such it is–will intensify and will not be avoidable by deleting posts, or preventing mean girl from posting on myspace.</p></li>
<li><p>What was so attractive about the private school that the family was willing to tolerate disruption? What was so unattractive about the high school? It seems to have done well by the D’s older sister, so it cannot be that bad. I realize that different students need different environments, however. But the pros and cons of each school need to be re-evaluated.</p></li>
<li><p>If there has been mean behavior even before school has started, it ought to be brought up to the principal. Either the principal commits to curbing mean behavior, or refunds your money back. If there is mean behavior and the school authorities are turning a blind eye to it, four years of enduring such behavior are four years too many.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I would agree that was said wasn’t mean or bullying.
Girls that age, are often territorial, but that doesn’t mean they are intending to be cruel.
Why not set up a meeting with the girl at the school that is mediated by a school counselor?
The reasons your daughter wanted to attend the private don’t seem to have changed-unless there is something else going on besides a girl saying she isn’t going to help her have friends.
This is a great teaching opportunity to learn to live with difficult people- unless your daughter is emotionally fragile and you think she will really be harmed by being polite and saying thanks, but I wouldn’t expect someone else to make my friends for me, but since you have been here for awhile, why don’t you tell me about the school?
I definitely would not pay the contract and have her attend teh public school- no way.
If you are forced to withdraw and have your deposit retained, I would have D pay you back.
She needs to learn that choices have consequences and you don’t change your mind from something that you have researched and committed yourself to for something as small as a girl saying that she is not going to be her social guide.
I actually think it may be good for her to go to another school from her sister.
If I had been at an ultra small high school ( my D attends a school with 1700 students & nationally that still isn’t too big), I don’t know if I would have wanted to follow in “my sisters footsteps” and been compared to her whether she had been very academically successful as your older daughter has, or not.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your responses. They go across the board as my own thought have since this came up. A little extra background: There have been several other e-mails and posts. Not “cruel” in the sense of physical threats, but cruel like “I don’t like you and no one else will.” “I am going to tell everyone not to like you.” “I am having a get together for everybody to meet X (a mutual friend) but you can not come because we are going to talk about you”. I have actually seen these, and I saw no provocation in what my daughter wrote. The provocation may lie in the fact that these two girls have known each other since kindergarten and have been mildly competitive. I say mildly because their school did not encourage or foster competition, but it was clear from year end awards that the two were among the top students, with my daughter having greater academic success while the other had greater athletic success. All I can think is that jealousy may have something to do with this, although the girls remained friends after one went to New School last year for 8th grade, while my daughter remained for one more year at Old School.
My daughter did lock the girl from the MySpace so there would be no more posts put up.
I like the idea of taking the printed out things to the school to see what their reaction is. Maybe they will give me some comfort that they will keep an eye on the situation.
For your info, Husband definitely agrees with those of you who say that we should not let the other girl “win” and that daughter must learn to deal. I guess I am just a little more concerned about the pain inflicted on an already tender heart.</p>
<p>girls are entering 9th grade?
Still young
I agree that the words the other wrote are more hostile than I am not going to be your friend, particulary as they have a history together.
SO I assume you know the other girls parents a bit?
When my older D was in private elementary school ( class size 15- same class 3rd-5th), a girl was much more verbal than she was, and would answer for her which drove D crazy, as well as was fairly rough in “innocous” circumstances ( pushing her as they went down stairs etc)
We were relieved when it was time to change schools in 6th grade, so she wouldn’t have to see her anymore.
Except
She decided to attend same school D was attending.
However, they did become friends and stayed overnight at each others houses etc, until the girl changed schools because of harrassment from boys.
I think some sort of mediation has to take place- and hopefully a parent can be involved, to let this other girl know that your daughter isn’t going to be intimidated, but that she has other things to do, than play power games</p>
<p>This happened to my D in 8th grade when the Queen Bee turned on her. There were many tears and long talks, but in the end, I encouraged her to ignore the Queen Bee - don’t retaliate or play the QB’s game - and instead find her own “true” friends. It was hard, but my daughter learned a great lesson that most people dislike the Queen Bee and will admire and like anyone who stands up to her. In time the Queen Bee isolated herself while the other girls found solace with each other. That group of friends is still very strong and very supportive of each other years later. The Queen Bee eventually lost the attitude, thank god, and is now just one of the group.</p>
<p>I also got great advice from a friend whose daughter went through something similar: Under no circumstances whatsoever do you contact or talk with the offending girl’s parents. More than likely they will defend their daughter and will only make the situation worse.</p>
<p>The good news is that we now have a name for this behavior. We call it “relational aggression.”</p>
<p>I have had a different experience than Daaads friend, I have found in several circumstances that the parents are helpful allies. Just because the two kids have issues doesn’t mean that the parents are to blame. I have found that they are just as concerned as I am, and although parents cant always “fix” things, knowing that the parents are aware of the situation and agree, can go a long way toward defusing it.</p>
<p>same problem for me! Except im on no scholarship and a student…I happened to be in a heavely populated by boys small private adhd school…goes from 5-12th grade…This yr there was a nasty kid in my grade and she tortured me i went to principals office countless times…Im happy to say at the end of the yr she was kicked out…She was told the day b4 finals…u can take ur finals but afterwards ur not allowed on campus again. I will be the only girl in my grade of 16 next yr…I will be better off w/o the 2 annoying girls in my grade and i will be able to get to know the boys in my grade more!</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>I think that’s right. Private schools often have community rules that apply even outside of school. Schools that do may discipline students for harrassing classmates online. This has to stop before the school year begins.</p>