<p>One of my kid’s had issues in middle school with one of these types of girls. This girl was the ringleader and though many hated the control this girl had they let her have it. My D eventually got fed up and left the group. And actually went to a different school for a while. I wish I had known more of what was happening at the time. My D did move on but the scars are still around quite a few years later.
I would go talk with someone at the school. I would have your D try the school but I would also let the school know that I would pull my D if the harassment continued. I think with the computer information in hand they would not press you to honor your contract. If your D doesnt go to the school the girl wins and it also doesn’t mean the harassment will stop. Unfortunately with the computer kids say things that they never would have the guts to say in person.
Is it possible that your D will not be the only new girl? Maybe getting your D together with some of the other new incoming students will help ease the entry.
My other D attends a private school with about the same number of kids. I have found that there are about 4 different groups of girls to hang with. Mine tends to float from group to group and has found this to be a better place to be then caught in the center of much of the girl drama. I have also found that at a small school the teachers are pretty aware of what is going on and will try to stop it.
My girls have also found that they prefer the company of males. They both don’t have patience for all the girls drama.</p>
<p>Sympathy to your daughter. Wanted to second the idea of printing up the mean girl’s comments and providing them to both the school and the girl’s parents. </p>
<p>My kids have attended a large private school which initiated a strong computer policy a couple of years ago, accompanied by impassioned assemblies and a clear understanding by all students that trashing each other on the Net would not be tolerated. This has had a meaningful impact. So if this were happening at our school, all you’d have to do is bring in a copy of the offending material and the school counselors would find a way to address the problem. My hope is that the school your daughter is entering has a similar policy, or at least similar values. It will be interesting to see what they do when they are presented with the problem; this reaction will probably give you very good information in terms of whether you like this school or not. If they seem concerned, seem sophisticated in their understanding of how to deal with these issues, and want to deal with them, this is probably a place where you’ll feel safe sending your daughter. If, on the other hand, they don’t see this as a particular problem and don’t want to know, I’d worry.</p>
<p>In terms of the parents, we also had a mean girl problem that got out of hand in the latter years of a different private elementary school. The school pulled out all the stops and initiated what were for all intents and purposes mandatory parent meetings. (Interestingly, the boy parents didn’t have a clue.) At one parent meeting, the parent of one of the prime offenders almost broke down in tears, and asked the other parents and the school why he hadn’t been contacted before. He had observed an interaction outside of school in which his daughter and a friend ignored and were quite rude to another girl, and he was concerned about it. He had no idea that the behavior was part of a broader and quite destructive pattern. He asked the other parents why we would think he was the kind of person who would be alright with this kind of behavior, and the school why they thought he couldn’t be enlisted to help end the destructive patterns. Assuming the mean girl’s parents are reasonable people, it’s hard to imagine they wouldn’t want to know and address the problem.</p>
<p>Finally, if the school is helpful, they will get your daughter connected to nice girls in the class she’ll be entering. Talk to the nice girls’ parents. Find out about the social dynamic in the class. Is this class a living hell for nice girls? If mean girl’s behavior is some bizarro anomoly and many of the other girls in the class roll their eyes at her, your daughter is in better shape than if this girl rules and for the past several years any girl she doesn’t like has been a social pariah. </p>
<p>Good luck with this. So glad I don’t have to be a teenager again!</p>
<p>Again, so it doesn;t get lost get some books</p>
<p>Queen Bees and Wannabees REAALLY helped both my Ds help with mean girls…my D ended up standing up at a book signing sharing her story with a room full of complete strangers…not a dry eye in the house</p>
<p>After that, she was able to “disregard” the mean girls</p>
<p>take it to the dean and/or headmaster
I’m sure they’ll take action</p>
<p>Wow! Lots of suggestions here. I really relate to the OP’s dilemma because both of my kids had problems with mean kids: the elder face-to-face, the younger electronically. Here are some thoughts:</p>
<p>1) I go along with the advice of telling both the school and the parents of the offender about the posts, but with a caveat: TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST. If she’s okay with your telling them, great. They really do need to know. But if she really doesn’t want you to tell, you need to understand why. </p>
<p>When my daughter got a series of hate e-mails / IM’s several years ago, she was adamant that she really wanted to deal with them herself. [She did so - and in a very clever way that stopped the problem and made sure that no one got hurt.] As a parent I still feel a little guilty about not telling the sender’s mother (like me, she would have wanted to know). But my daughter still talks to me about (nearly) all of her problems. I’m not sure that she would if I had bulldozed over her wishes here.</p>
<p>2) Think long and hard before following the “tough it out” / “don’t let the mean girls win” advice. Sometimes a well-thought-out strategic retreat is the best option. </p>
<p>However, you don’t want one retreat to turn into a series …</p>
<p>When my son left his private school after 2+ years of taunting / bullying, he did so with the understanding that changing schools once was fine, but that we did not want to have to change him again. He went into his new school with a positive attitude and was a success, both scholastically and socially. </p>
<p>3) Don’t commit to staying with or leaving the private school before telling the school / parents about the posts. How they react will tell you whether you want your daughter to be there at all. You ABSOLUTELY don’t want her in the school if the administration doesn’t see this type of post as a serious issue. The parents are a tougher call … but if they don’t see the problem with the posts, do you really want to be working with them on class activities, school-related stuff, etc?</p>
<p>4) Do remember that a class of 60 is a pretty small place socially. There are no groups where a kid can operate under the radar. On the other hand, a class of 300-400 is large enough that no single group can dominate socially. This can be a real blessing for a “quirky” kid - there can be dozens of little groups where she’ll be happy, accepted, and pretty much un-noticed by the mean girl crowd.</p>
<p>5) I personally don’t think it’s crazy to pay the tuition and send your daughter to public school, if you determine that’s where she really belongs. What would be really crazy would be to send her to someplace that’s wrong for her just because you have to pay for it.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Don’t get mad, get even.</p>
<p>No need to pay the tuition…the school should be a safe place…if its not, THEY are not living up to the contract</p>
<p>So, if you decide not to continue there, tell them why, and if they want they can pursue getting the fees, but you will be MORE than happy to fight them…</p>
<p>I would bet you they will drop the issue</p>
<p>Coming from a present high school student, all these ideas of contacting myspace and talking to the headmistress really aren’t going to do your daughter any good. The kids will see your daughter as someone who can’t fight her own battles, giving them another reason to pick on her. Also, if those were the only comments (the friends thing) they really weren’t that bad.</p>
<p>I sympathize with your daughter’s situation but this is a time for her to grow up and that means dealing with people and simply just toughening up. Encourage your daughter to come to you and update you if things get more severe.</p>
<p>It is very painful for a parent to see a child inside of this issue.
I would first ask my child to be as candid as possible about what has happened between her and her classmates… often it is not one child in the band of abusers, just one who feels bad-enough to be the offender. Once you assess the issue, you may choose to copy the prints, but I can assure you that one email from you to the Dean/Principal or local chapter of Association of Independent Schools will fix the problem.
You should check the parents handbook for dicipline committee guideline.</p>
<p>I also concur with not contacting the parents…we often are blindsided by our kids behaviors and unless you are personnal friends, the kids common connection is the school.</p>
<p>If your daughter is doing well academically there is no reason to with-draw her, and especially if her reasons for selecting this school have not changed, read her report carefully and look for what her teachers are saying and also what they are not saying…these are great indicators of how comfortable her year was.</p>
<p>Finally, many private schools have the “if you can’t find it found it” approach to clubs and organization, your D on return in the Fall could Found an organization related to such issues–something such as… inclusivity/relationships/ or character etc…
Good luck</p>
<p>but contacting myspace does do some good…it can stop the PUBLIC embarassment and create an even playing field</p>
<p>And bullying can be very subtle with girls, I know, I have lived it</p>
<p>True, the D needs to toughen up a bit, sure, but does that make what is happening right?</p>
<p>interesting that we will send young kids into a gauntlent, and we won’t even talke it ourselves</p>
<p>We talk big, but unless you have lived it…</p>
<p>What helped my D was finding things outside her school, at her school it A sports teams was like the chosen ones, and they acted that way, so having something my D shined at, in the big world made a HUGE difference</p>
<p>And often it takes just one or two good friends to get through it…we used to call the mean girls Its, like from that movie about the nuclear ants, kind of mindless, but big ugly and hairy</p>
<p>I am not exactly sure what was posted, but if it crosses the line and is trying to publically hurt someone and humilate them, it is okay to step in, because then it is in the cyber world FOREVER</p>
<p>
I think it is a HUGE mistake to view this situation as some sort of competition in which “winning” is the issue. The issue is what is best for the OP’s daughter, and what the daughter now wants in term of her high schoole education. What I am sure that she does NOT want is a miserable freshman year. Sometime you have to pick your battles, and this one may not be worth it.</p>
<p>I think the OP should talk to her daughter – deciding to walk away from what looks like a potentially toxic environment is not necessarily a defeatest attitude. The ISSUE is whether this school is the right place for the student, including considerations of the social environment as well as academic environment. Hazing can be a very real problem at private schools, and some families make the choice simply not to be a part of it – and the “tough it out” attitute really is a decision to go to war rather than to seek peace. </p>
<p>I think that the OP should try to talk to some other parents of kids at the private school to get a sense of what the predominant social culture is like – if the girls are catty or competitive in general, then maybe it’s not a good choice. I wouldn’t suggest sharing details of the myspace communications unless the OP is very sure she is on safe ground… but some discreet inquiries are in order.</p>
<p>We spend a lot of time stressing about “fit” in choosing a college. I think it is even more important at the high school level, when kids are much more vulnerable and more easily influence.</p>
<p>Well, css, your daughter must be too adorable to cause this other girl to send out pre-emptive strikes before school has even started! Queen Bee must be worried.</p>
<p>With that in mind, I would send daughter to the school, armed with a few good counter remarks. The best counter remarks (verbal only–NOTHING in print) take the power away from the aggressor and go something like this: “I don’t care what you say. What you say doesn’t bother me.” Then turn and walk away.</p>
<p>Now, the line has to be delivered with a deadpan face–and that takes practice–lots of practice. You and hubby can play act a number of scenarios with her over the summer. She can play the mean girl and try to say the meanest, meanest thing she can think of—and you can give the counter-remark. The playacting will help her to see how silly the words are–how little power they actually contain.</p>
<p>Also, don’t fan the flames by encouraging her to hold a grudge. I see so many girls’ parents step up the bitterness and mark teen grudges as grudges meant for life. Boys and men don’t play that way and I think they’re on to something there. Once it’s over, teach her to let it go–another critical life skill</p>
<p>If you can, look at Queen Bee’s motives with your D. She is threatened. Once she realizes she cannot push your D around, is there a chance she could come around and be a great friend? Could be. </p>
<p>I don’t think it will take long for your D to weather the storm. A few weeks in September at most. When she gets the job done, she will have that ability in her pocket forever. Heck, that skill is worth the price of admission.</p>
<p>Though my heart certainly goes out to you (Im still smarting over a birthday party that my son was excluded from 15 years ago!
) I would hold off a bit before taking any action. Your daughter hasnt even started at New School and therefore doesnt have a clear picture of where Mean Girl REALLY fits into the power circle. </p>
<p>Mean Girl could be calling the shots or she could be on the fringe. If its the latter, maybe shes made a preemptive strike just to make sure that your daughter doesnt move up above her in the pecking order. I say give your daughter a few weeks at the New School and see how she does in making friends on her own. If the harassment continues and if Mean Girl is effective in keeping your daughter from forming friendships, then yes, by all means, get the school involved. Doing so too early may just jeopardize your daughters ability to resolve the situation by making her own friends despite Mean Girls obstruction.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have any other friends who attend New School? I would think she might as she was so eager to attend. Maybe she could take her own preemptive action and strike up some friendships over the summer.</p>
<p>I think the school head would be very interested in any sort of cliques or bullying that going on in the freshman class. Especially stuff that starts before September, threatening the development of a tight knit cohesive community. Most independent schools that I am aware of place a high value on character and community. Mean Girl is operating counter to those values.</p>
<p>If this was happening at my son’s independent school, the first person I would have contacted was the admissions guy – because we had a really good relationship with him prior to September. After that, his advisor, the division head, the head of school etc.</p>
<p>csshsm: Your 2nd post (#14) sounds like the situation D#1 had in HS. Good friend from MS went to private school. D#1 went 2 yrs later, not to make friends but to get out of big public HS. Friend had her group & didn’t include D#1. Others in class of 29 were not too friendly to D#1 since they didn’t like the old friend much. D#1 made great friends. Now, D#1, old friend and good friends have all migrated after undergrad to NYC & they see each other regularly. Your D may be surprised to find that mean girl is not the Queen she either of them thinks. Definitely go to the school. D’s school was very concerned with social issues.</p>
<p>If there is a summer activity which your D can get involved with at the school she will be much more comfortable when school opens and will have made friends. Something like summer gym.</p>
<p>I was bullied in HS - very sensitive, easily embarrassed, no self-confidence. My parents’ attitude was that I needed to develop a “thicker skin.” They are naturally thick-skinned, easy going, well-liked, confident folk, and didn’t know what to do with a D like me. </p>
<p>Trust me, it doesn’t work that way. People don’t grow thicker skins just because someone tells them to. If you choose this as an opportunity to help your D grow, then please be specific with her. My skin isn’t a whole lot thicker now, and when you hear degrading comments over and over, with not even your parents willing to defend you, you start believing the lies.</p>
<p>If you tell your D to “ignore” them, teach her how to do so in a way that doesn’t allow her red face to admit that she hears them just fine. (I still don’t know how that is done. I cannot control my blush.)</p>
<p>I do believe that meeting with the school and explaining your concern that your D will be ostracized is a valid approach. Let them know that you aren’t interested in making a big deal out of it, but would like to head it off before it snowballs, and you are interested in what the school’s policy or approach will be. An “information gathering” approach, rather than a “complaint.”</p>
<p>Emphasizing to your D that she has a lot to offer, and being specific about what, will help her gain confidence. For me, learning to respond with concern or confusion, rather than defense has helped diffuse conversations. Responding to a comment with, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t know why you feel so threatened by me.” or “Your comments come across hostile to me. I wonder if I am misreading them?” Sometimes, simply saying, “Excuse me? Could you repeat that?” is enough to embarrass the other person into silence.</p>
<p>
Absolutely … one of our kids was bullied at school and taught us this lesson. We tried to “help” by suggesting solutions for our child … who then told us s/he wouldn’t do those options. This deadend then led to a MUCH better discussion where we helped him/her figure out alternatives, many of which we never would have thought of, discuss the pros and cons of his/her alternatives, and then s/he picked one … and the situation was then handled VERY well by the school. The punchline - this outcome used a great plan our kid developed that wasn’t even on the radar for Mom and Dad but was a plan that worked for this child … we can’t make our kids into someone they aren’t however they can usually work through things in their own way with some help developing THEIR options.</p>
<p>When my D was dealing with her mean girls, she didn’t want to go to school events, sports games because there was shunning going on- these girls used to be her “friends”</p>
<p>Well, I went with D, and when she wanted to leave, “made” her stay- sounds mean, but very soon, she found other really nice girls to hang out with, most where in the grade above her…she became great friends with them, and she liked having the option back in her own mind whether she wanted to go to something or not, not the fear that those girls would ignore her again…</p>
<p>I guess my point is, you do not want them to win, by making someone not attend events, etc, cause they are there…to these mean girls it is a game, a power trip, a way of showing, see I messed with her, and look, it can happen to you</p>
<p>I am NOT saying a person needs to tolerate bullies, not at all, I am jsut saying we can’t let them CONTROL us…I once again urge getting those books about girl bullies and having your daughter read them…it will show she is not alone, that mean girls have LOTS of their own issues, that she can take back her power, and when you do that, it feels amazing</p>
<p>I guess I am curious how girls at a school she does not yet attend know anything about her at all? what contact has there been, who initiated it and why. Why does anyone have any ‘opinion’ about her at all???</p>
<p>When I attended an all-girls boarding school (in the mostly black and white TV era) the only thing anyone knew about me in advance was my name- which was judged(I was told later by someone who became a friend)- “wierd, frilly and ethnic”. </p>
<p>The school was populated by a substantial proportion of girls who in the current lingo would be called mean. At the time they differentiated themselves by sitting in the ‘moke’ (smoking room) adjacent to the main corridor and talking plenty loudly about those of us who didn’t smoke or didn’t conform to their idea of what was desirable. It became apparent early on that they chose to be exclusive and that the strongest adherents were the girls who had the least going for them in a more general sense. I had the distinct sense as well that the people who were in a position to address their meanness overidentified with these kids- or wanted to be liked by them in fact!</p>
<p>This was a tiny school. I developed friendships with international students, my roommates, students in grades lower than mine, kids who were plenty bright and had a lot going on who had no interest in being part of the dominant social group. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, but I also went in to it very confident about my academic and non-academic skills. Basically, I had no need for the ‘A crowd’. When they came to me for help with understanding school work I was kind and treated them with respect. Sometimes they did the same for me. I had a not-typical high school experience, but I quickly decided I didn’t care. I never told my parents, as they were looking for any reason to pull me out! I didn’t pay a cent, nor did my parents. The school was looking to improve their college brag sheet, and they knew I was a sure shot. I am not sure how happy I would have been had we been shelling out a lot of money.</p>
<p>If your daughter had heaps of self confidence. If she is clearly going to be an all star at something at the school. If she is comfortable not being part of the crowd. All these if’s need to be answered with a yes…then she can probably do fine at this kind of a school environment. Small, tightly knit school environments are a particular challenge in any case. I would proceed with eyes wide open.</p>