<p>My D is 21 and has been seriously dating a young man for several months. It’s long distance and they both have made serious efforts to keep it going. Her going to him and him coming to her. He is working full time and she will be graduating. Her after college plans may include her moving to his area dependent on her job and future plans for grad school, but it’s all up in the air. H and I will be meeting him for the first time and I need to know some do’s and don’t He is coming to her and we will be meeting then at a restaurant near her school. I am very happy for her that she has found a guy that she is crazy about. We are not talking wedding bells yet, but any advice would be welcomed.</p>
<p>Sounds like me and my son, last summer!</p>
<p>Have a really nice time at dinner, don’t grill him too much, and just spend some time getting to know him. Don’t quiz them about their relationship or where it’s going. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, my son’s gf moved to his city for grad school and they broke up after a few months. I’m sad 
but that’s the way it is.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t get involved and just enjoy the meal and the meeting. I know it is hard to do that if you think anything may come from the romance. Keep a low profile. :)</p>
<p>I can think of a few fine young men that have courted DD1 that have failed the ‘Restaurant SAT’ :). I’m about as intimidating as a Russian Dwarf Hamster in real life, but with an eye for detail and excellent information gathering skills, I’ve gotten the kind of information that I need (yea or nay) fairly quickly…</p>
<p>If it is serious enough where the acronyms de jour are just around the corner (GIA, CCCC, and other diamond ring buying lingo :)) it would not hurt to do some homework and find more about the young man ahead of time - if he has a relatively unique last name, there should be some information about him available online (don’t ask for his Facebook password just yet :)). Likewise, old-country sounding and all, a bit of background information about his family, etc, could be found fairly easily assuming modest search skills. </p>
<p>If the guy can get thru the ‘Restaurant SAT’ with 700’s or better then everyone would feel more comfortable. The current guy passed the above test in 11th grade and they’re still together at end of freshman year in the same college.</p>
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<p>Is the “Restaurant SAT” your creation or is it part of the CC vocab? Love it.</p>
<p>Well I did Facebook stalk him and his family. I know more about him than my daughter realizes. So I have done my homework. But I feel somewhat nervous. Why I don’t know. It’s her BF not mine.</p>
<p>That is the key. Let it go. I went out to dinner with my son and gf many years back for the first time. She is now my daughter, they are married, and I love them both. We didn’t have FB or anything like that. She was my son’s love. I accepted his good judgement. I went along for the ride.</p>
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<p>Good advice.
Don’t ask about his job, where it is going and his future plans.</p>
<p>I’ve only met my D’s now fiance a few times before their engagement because they live on the opposite coast. I didn’t ask too many questions but I carefully observed. That will tell you more.</p>
<p>Well, you may take those test scores seriously, but your kid may not, so I would keep things as nice as possible. I know a number of parents whose kids are married or involved seriously with a significant other that the parents can’t stand. It makes for a much nicer life all around if you keep that kind of appraisal to yourself. If it’s truly a “go” for your child, your opinion ain’t gonna matter except to make things more miserable if it’s not a good one. Some kids are stupid enough to report negative remarks their parents made to the SO and that sort of thing can color the relationship for a life time.</p>
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<p>I’ve been following my S’s romance on Facebook. He moved to another town about 200 miles away a year ago. He first posted on FB a little before Christmas that he thought he had found a “keeper” and apparently they are still “in a relationship.” They are young (S is not quite 22 and I don’t know how old she is) so this may be short-lived, but I also wouldn’t know how to act if they last long enough for me to meet her. She doesn’t have a lot of info on her FB page, so I haven’t had much luck stalking! LOL S is very open when I’ve asked about her, but I don’t want to be nosy. Yet.</p>
<p>You’re over thinking this. Just relax and enjoy :). </p>
<p>Btw, he is likely far more nervous than you are. Just keep that in mind!</p>
<p>Oh and my boyfriend’s mother fb stalked me before I met her and her husband. She was asking me questions about stuff she would only know from fb stalking me. It was creepy. Don’t do that.</p>
<p>Another vote for a low-key dinner with no probing questions.</p>
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<p>I would imagine your S wouldn’t want you to “act” any way but normally. I would say relax, be yourself, let the evening kind of progress naturally, follow your son’s lead. I think when we let things like this build up in our minds, they can become bigger than they really are.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the good advice. She is now telling me that he may not come in to town because of work conflicts! But your right I should not get too involved and just enjoy the meeting when it happens. I dont like when i really like someone then the relationship breaks off. But everything about him that I know, either through my daughter or what is on FB, I like. I just hope my perception matches up.</p>
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<p>I just came up with it… </p>
<p>The key is to see how they react under ‘pressure’… I won’t ask direct questions but like the SAT there are plenty of ways to find the right answer, and also plenty of ways to bomb the answers. </p>
<p>So DD1 is dating this cool Jewish kid (very observant, good family, great student, good looking mom, EC’s spending summers in Israel) so what better than to take him to an Arab restaurant for lunch… I never made the connection that the place would not have much for him to eat, but he was quite nervous regardless, nervous enough to only eat half his food (awesome food incidentally) but also to dump his drink in his lap. He received partial credit because DD2 was also with us and she’s quite sharp tongued… </p>
<p>Her current SO did well by guessing (correctly) what my expectations were. So, there were many mystery pizzas from a cozy Italian place and the such appearing in my house after dates, far more classic restaurants, and when we finally had our first session, he was quite relaxed and natural. </p>
<p>The key (like interviewing someone for a position) is to not ask direct questions, but to provide enough bait (or incentive) for them to spill their guts. If they do, that’s extra points, if they clam down, well, well, well. Lots of obvious faux passes (passes? sp?) but hopefully the kid will remember enough of his Kaplan prep session to avoid them (dress well, talk well, avoid uber-hip clothes, bad language, PDA’s, and the like)… </p>
<p>There’s also the super-critical point where you meet the kid’s parents, family, and the like, that’s the Restaurant GRE/MCAT/LSAT depending on goals :)</p>
<p>I have 2 daughters, so I have done this a few times. I generally keep it very light, like I would be with their girlfriends. I would ask about their family/parents, but no in a grilling way. I think because I keep it so light that they end up opening up more. Just because I appear to be friendly, it doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention. I look for if he looks after my kid - helps her with her coat, make sure she is steady when she is wearing high heels, make sure she has what she needs at dinner. I also pay attention to what he orders for drinks, table manners. Every once in a while H would start a discussion about some political/social issue, which drives me crazy sometimes, but it’s interesting to see how they converse with him.</p>
<p>So far, I haven’t detected any big red flag of guys my kids have dated (except one from high school, banned from our house), but I did I would tell them sooner rather than later. They usually bring their BF around to meet us very early on to get our (but really mine) opinion. </p>
<p>Of course, we usually pay for the meals.</p>
<p>just remember…your child likes the SO for a reason…concentrate on appreciating the positives at that first meet up. If, later on, you find things you don’t like so much, any questions about the SO you voice later on will be much better received.</p>
<p>Red Flag #43: significant difference in Facebook profile picture versus real life… Suitor X, HS classmate, had a Facebook profile picture that was, how to put it, very cherubic, Shirley Temple blond curls, the works. In real life the kid had taken the looks one associates with inhabitants of the Charles Manson group, and acted the same. </p>
<p>Punt.</p>
<p>I think you are over thinking it too much. </p>
<p>My D2 has had several longish term boyfriends over the years and I have met each one. Given her age, I never assumed they were potential husbands but considered them her serious boyfriend of the moment. Maybe I am naive but I don’t get too invested on my end and am happy for my daughter. Her current boyfriend is the longest relationship so far at 2 1/2 years and going strong. She is 23 and he is 25, though they were in the same class at college and were also good friends for a couple of years before becoming romantically involved. I’ve met him many times as I often see him when I go to visit D in NYC (where he is as well). I have invited him along to meals out and such, as well as seen him perform (both my D and her BF are actors). I have given D gifts (at her request for birthdays, Hanukah) for Broadway tix, fancy dinners out and a night in a romantic country inn with her boyfriend in fact.</p>
<p>Maybe this is the one forever but I just never really go there in my mind (though would be happy with him if that were the case). I never treat the outings with him any differently than bringing a girl pal of D’s along really. I don’t grill him but just take an interest and enjoy the time spent together. He happens to be very comedic and so he’s fun that way too. I guess maybe I should not just consider a BF at this age as the BF of the moment and this could be forever but I don’t think about it much. I’m happy if my daughter is happy! And she is. That said, his family (who lives in another state…they met at college) invited her to spend Christmas with them this year. When I mailed her house gift on her behalf to his family, I sent a nice note. His mother sent a note after the visit extolling my daughter which meant a lot to me actually (I have never met his parents but hope to one day and we touched on that). His parents have been very supportive of my daughter sending her bouquets for her shows and even traveling to NYC to see her perform. Apparently they recently invited her on a family trip but she now has to back out as she was cast in as show at the Sydney Opera House in Australia that conflicts. It is nice to know his family seems to be fond of her. I haven’t thought past that though. I am fond of the BF but never have treated him as a potential SIL or asked him any probing questions. I’ve enjoyed sharing time and getting to know him though. And he has been good to my D (an example has been that once at the start of their courtship and again very recently, when D was away out of town for an extended time related to her career, he went over to her apartment and thoroughly cleaned her room voluntarily as a surprise and if you ever saw my D’s room, you would realize this is a major undertaking!!). I think on that basis alone, he is a keeper!</p>