Meeting Daughters boyfriend

Parent Cafe
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<p>You guys are way ahead of me. I wouldn’t do anything but try to have a relaxed, natural encounter. Hey, he may be around for a while. Your primary interest should be in forming a good relationship, not with trick questions to get him to spill his guts (unless those two are compatible for you – they wouldn’t be for me). </p>

<p>People can generally sense when the other person is being authentic and genuine and when the other person has a hidden agenda. My advice: be authentic and genuine. My hypothesis: The more you are judging and quizzing, the less genuine he will sense you to be.</p>

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<p>Consider treating him and the evening as you would when meeting a friend of a very good friend. (Yes, she is your daughter, I know.) This will help you keep the intensity at a reaonable level. Good manners are a great bulwark.</p>

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<p>At our house, there have been many significant others. I look at them as their friends and don’t read into it any more than that. If I had done so, I 'd be insane by now. I’m a little nervous about one right now because HER mother is overly involved.</p>

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<p>Have her invite a few friends to make it a group and to avoid the uncomfy silences.
Bonus: you’ll know what they think of the bf and whether this is a quality guy or not.</p>

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<p>Tonight’s special: grilled newbie. Would you like that rare or well-done?</p>

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<p>I’m more concerned about what she thinks of ME, not the other way around. If she ends up being my DIL, I want to make a good first impression!</p>

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<p>Ah, after going through this a few dozen times like I have, you’ll relax.</p>

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<p>musicmom1215, lol, that’s my worry too.
What if the prospective dumps my S/D after meeting us !!!
What if our S/D gets mad because we did not pass the PSAT (parental SAT)
:)</p>

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<p>Just hug the guy and be accepting. The relationship is not your decision.</p>

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<p>I don’t recommend the strategy in post #16 unless you want the BF to think you are obnoxious and that you are unwilling to treat him respectfully.</p>

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<p>^ If he still likes the D after what turbo would put him through, he’s a keeper ;). But in seriousness, it would most likely cause strain in the family - not something you want early on.</p>

<p>Don’t overthink it. Just treat it like any other meeting if/when it happens.</p>

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<p>Well, respect is earned. I would certainly respect the guy if he (a) shows that he understands that he ‘needs’ to be on my good side a lot more than I ‘need’ to be on his good side, (b) he understands how we Elbonian Americans may have *slightly *different attitudes about dating than those in Topeka, KS, and (c) can handle himself under ‘pressure’ and say/do the right things.</p>

<p>It’s not a question of being obnoxious. It’s all part of life’s lessons that we, as parents, pass along to our children. Selecting mates is as much a lesson in life as is using a band saw or driving a car. So, if the ‘selection process’ has a few extra bumps, so be it, those that persevere have my respect at the end.</p>

<p>If he’s willing to put up a good performance, there’s a good chance he’s doing so because he’s intelligent and knows what it means for all of us, or because he’s cares enough and is willing to go the extra mile.</p>

<p>Any relationship has the potential to cause stress; so, the earlier, the better… relationships built on clouds and unicorns need a reality check once in a while to help move the process along…</p>

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<p>S1 wore a kilt when he met his fiancee’s parents. Heaven knows what they think of him, but we’ll be meeting her parents in a month!</p>

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<p>I don’t think that many of us are promoting “clouds and unicorns,” but the situation of meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend of our kids should not be a stressful event and nobody should be “tested.” The OP’s daughter is merely 21 years old, still very young. Not only that, the couple has only been dating several MONTHS (not years) and long distance to boot. Perhaps I am naive, but every time I met a boyfriend of my D’s, all of whom she dated in the same city and for longer than several months, I did not even assume this could be a potential husband. it was the boyfriend of a young adult and I just enjoyed getting to meet who she was dating. I did not think ahead. Even now that my D is 23 and her 25 year old boyfriend is of 2.5 years, I rarely think ahead to more. If by chance he does become a fiancee some day, by then I will have known him as her boyfriend/friend and will not have met under the circumstances of “we’re getting married, meet my BF!” and so I will have known him with no assumptions of any of that prior to that point. I don’t think this is an attempt to avoid stress or be in la la land…but merely my place is to get to know who my daughter is in a relationship with. That is as far as my thinking has gone. I have not questioned the young man and I think my D would die if I attempted to do such a thing. I did not treat getting to know him any differently than getting to know her same sex friends. And frankly, I think it is best if parents are supportive in such a situation. Granted I see nothing wrong with my D’s boyfriend (and think well of him…he’s smart, talented, polite, treats her well, has good values, responsible, cute (!!), etc.) and that may make it easier but even so, I would want to come across as supportive to my daughter. She can openly discuss anything with me and has done so with regard to her boyfriend and I’d want to keep that door open. As I wrote up thread, to my knowledge, his parents have been extremely nice to my daughter and have met her several times and have hosted her at their home as well. The young man’s mom even wrote me a lovely note praising my daughter. It seemed very genuine to me and I think she was a smart woman to write such a note. If it ever becomes a forever relationship, I think family support is important. This is not the same as clouds and unicorns.</p>

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<p>^I agree with soccerguy315 and soozievt.</p>

<p>turbo93, your responses in this thread seem so unusual to me that I can’t tell whether you are joking or not. If not, I wonder: Is respect earned or should it be accorded and then lost? I generally vote for the latter. I try to start by treating people with respect and dignity and expect the same from them. </p>

<p>Let me assume you are serious. I’m trying to parse “Selecting mates is as much a lesson in life as is using a band saw or driving a car.” So, you say, let’s make the first meeting with BF the equivalent of a stress interview in order to what? To teach your D how to stress test boyfriends also? And your logic is that if you offend and annoy the BF (e.g., taking the Jewish BF to a restaurant where he feels uncomfortable and can’t eat the food) rather than treat him respectfully and he’s still nice to you, he is good husband material? This just seems counter-intuitive to me. Those BFs with a good sense of self-worth (probably anyone I’d want my D to marry) ought to walk away (from you, at least). Unless I’m missing something, the Restaurant SAT test doesn’t seem to be highly correlated with the traits/character I’d want in a husband for my daughter (or a wife for my son). [Please note: I would not suggest they behave in any way disrespectfully to the stress tester].</p>

<p>If I were in the BF’s shoes, after what you describe, I suspect I’d have lost a lot of respect for you and, moreover, I might wonder if my girlfriend had skeletons in her closet that your proposed behavior portends. Moreover, I think I’d be unlikely to trust you for a long time or want to visit with you in any context but the most superficial. You’d have to re-earn the lost respect. If your behavior persisted, I’d begin to form judgments about how to deal with you.</p>

<p>Thinking back, I have experienced something like your Restaurant SAT test. Before we got married back in the Dark Ages, my wife brought me to visit an aunt of hers. The aunt, who I later came to believe is clinically narcissistic, did her version of the stress test. I decided after that visit and a second similar one not to have anything to do with her ever. Well, she was invited to our wedding but she has never once been invited to our house (unlike all other aunts and uncles). My wife and kids visited her once a bit over 10 years ago. Although I wouldn’t tell my wife not to visit her aunt and she would not feel compelled in any way to adhere to such a pronouncement of mine if I were to make one, I did tell my wife I would never visit her aunt and that I thought she was fundamentally disturbed in a way that made her unpredictably malicious (she agreed). My wife may have visited once more in the many years since we’ve been married. I visited the aunt for the first time (since our wedding ) with my wife last year after she had a stroke and had significant aphasia – I felt somewhat sorry for her and she needs help. But, prior to that, I didn’t see any reason why I should subject myself to being treated disrespectfully. I have had a fascinating, rich, rewarding life with my wife. Her aunt just has never been part of it. </p>

<p>I think if your D picks the wrong guy (for you, but not necessarily for her), the behavior I think you are advocating might well backfire. He might marry your daughter but freeze you out as I did my wife’s aunt. </p>

<p>I’m not Elbonian and clearly don’t understand the culture (except for reading Dilbert occasionally), so I’m not proposing that what works for me would work for you. But, I am confident that what you think works for you would not work for me and I wouldn’t advise other non-Elbonians to follow your advice. I do know of some social psychological studies that suggest that people like you more if you are not nice in the first round of an experiment and then nice in the second than if you are either not nice in both rounds or nice in both rounds, which might be consistent with your approach. There is, however, some deeper research on the evolution of relationships that suggests that starting by being positive works better. I would choose an authentic relationship based upon genuine respect any day. But, what do I know? I’m not Elbonian.</p>

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<p>This gets down to if your kids would marry someone you wouldn’t necessary approve, and if you should voice your objection and if so, should you do it earlier rather than later. My kids are of opinion that by marrying someone, they are marrying more than just that person, they are marrying the whole family. This is not something we have said to them, and we were surprised when D1 said it to us. </p>

<p>shawbridge - I find your example of not visiting your wife’s aunt strange. What if it was her parent, would you have stopped visiting because he/she was rude to you? Both H and I have difficult, unkind relatives, but we always went together whenever we need to visit one of them. It was not option for us to pick and choose what family event we want to participate in.</p>

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<p>Well, milkandsugar, you say that she is crazy about him. Can you privately ask her how you should behave? Sometimes a kid would want the cool detached parent, sometimes the more accepting one.</p>

<p>I am surprised that the comments don’t include how we ourselves were treated on first and/or early meetings. I have very fond memories of the two people in my H’s family who were warmly welcoming to me. The rest were impartial, I guess. They were not especially welcoming. My H is a good man; there were no problems or unpleasant facts in his background. I would wonder if a boyfriend’s relatives knew something they wanted to keep quiet about, or did not want to encourage a nice person getting tangled up with potentially undisclosed problems, if they treated me with too much impartiality. OTOH if they were wildly encouraging, I’d worry too.</p>

<p>One of the nicest things I ever heard on TV was the comment made by a man who said that his MIL treated him like a son from the very beginning, even when she had no reason to. How very nice for that couple. Had their relationship ended, he’d have fond memories of the mom, but I can’t see where any harm would come of her warmth. Good luck, and I hope you don’t find anything that worries you and he’s a great guy.</p>

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<p>“One of the nicest things I ever heard on TV was the comment made by a man who said that his MIL treated him like a son from the very beginning, even when she had no reason to.”</p>

<p>I learned my lesson with my daughter’s previous bf. We thought he was great from the beginning. He was like a son to us for a year and a half . . . and then they broke up. It was extremely difficult for us, feeling like we had lost a family member . . . but it was <em>their</em> relationship.</p>

<p>I have met the new bf twice and they have been dating for 6 months. The first time was at a family member’s birthday, and the second was at an extended-family gathering. I was cordial, asked him questions about his studies, his job, and his sports (without grilling him–or at least that was my intent ;)), but didn’t go beyond that. We have not invited him over for dinner or for any other family functions. I know my daughter thinks we don’t like him as well as her old bf because of this, but we are not going to make the same mistake. </p>

<p>I think it’s important to make the new bf or gf feel comfortable (especially because this is an important person to your child), but don’t get too close too soon.</p>

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<p>My MIL was very upset that her son and I were together and made it no secret. She put what obstacles she could to the marriage and has never been happy with me as a DIL. It caused a number of losses to her over the years. I’ve never bothered to act in kind or retaliate but the the natural reaction to people who don’t like you, is to keep away from them. So our interactions were lessened, and as a result she did not have as much inclusion in our family. Now that she is elderly and needy, I make sure she gets all she needs with us, but there is not the feeling of warmth that would have been there had it been built over the years. But That is the way she tended to be about a lot of things in life anyways. </p>

<p>I don’t like to get involved with my sons’ girlfriends and let them set the tone for involvement. If the relationship moves to the level of marriage, that would be a whole other story. If grandchildren enter the scene, still another. I always include the gfs in invitations that are not closed for good reason, and there are plenty of open invites in our lives and few closed ones. We see these women regularly, and I enjoy their company. I just don’t want to make things more complicated, and it has not been an issue because to up the relationship level, it would take a concerted effort from someone. I just have not made it at this stage and neither has anyone else. </p>

<p>We’'ll welcome whoever they choose into the family and give them every opportunity to enjoy being in it, and I say this well knowing what ramifications that can include. Some of the young people who have been brought to this house for any number of friendship reasons have been down right scary.</p>

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<p>oldfort, if it were my wife’s parents, I would not have cut them out completely, but we all have choices about how we spend our time and money (we have to fly to visit the in-laws). If my in-laws had been as offensive and malicious as ShawWife’s aunt, I would have minimized time spent to that absolutely required. Instead, we have spent a number of vacations with them. We had a very good relationship with both and enjoyed spending time with them. I asked him for advice on key life matters and served as an advisor to him and his business (I was the only family member on the board other than him). When the father died, the mother became very directive in unpleasant ways, but only on her turf. I knew that she was going through a difficult time and I worked to help her in her business life and elsewhere, but reduced the time spent at her house with her because neither the kids nor I nor my wife enjoyed it. We invited her to our house, met her places, but kept visits to her houses during that period to a lesser amount, but have stepped it up as things are now somewhat more pleasant. ShawWife and I were there helping her after hip surgery. When we go to her city, however, we still generally stay with one of ShawWife’s siblings, which serves to reduce the total time in which unpleasantness can pop up.</p>

<p>More generally, I don’t think anyone has an obligation to visit me if they don’t feel well-treated by me and vice versa (not even my MIL). I think all relationships among adults need to start with respect. I took ShawSon’s GF out for dinner (with him and a couple of friends) on parents weekend, which was the first time I met her. I didn’t quiz her, although I asked her a few nice socially acceptable questions about her major, her interests, where she was from, etc. She’s subsequently chosen to stay at our house three times. I think she feels treated with respect and is obviously comfortable coming to visit. She’s a nice kid – bright and cute and sweet with my son. It’s early days so I’m not thinking that she’s a likely daughter-in-law but I wouldn’t treat her any differently if she were. </p>

<p>I think the essence of my comment is that Restaurant SAT stress test or just questions with a hidden agenda are no way to start a relationship. I agree with SportsMama and Treetopleaf among others: I can’t see any harm in not starting the relationship respectfully and can see downside in not doing so.</p>