<p>Fortunately, Elbonia is a fictional country. Treating a new BF in the way that’s been described is probably best left to such places.</p>
<p>Fortunately, the country that Elbonia refers to in this context is quite real. Even better, I could name a number of countries, equally real, where relationships are a ‘family sport’. </p>
<p>It seems, tho, that most of the readers have completely missed the way the RSAT is administered. Like the SAT, a key objective is not to say the right things or do the right actions, but to also not say the wrong things or not do the wrong actions. </p>
<p>The RSAT depends fairly heavily in one’s ability to listen and observe. I have interviewed and hired a few people over the years and for the most part the skill set is the same. The key is to determine the candidate’s ‘self-awareness’… For a job interview, that would involve determining not just how much the candidate knows, but how much does he/she know about himself/herself (think of behavioral interview questions).</p>
<p>In the RSAT, that’s the key. Without asking lots of questions, see if the suitor will ‘open up’ or ‘clam down’. If he opens up, and is willing to / able to tell me a few things about himself that would be interesting, the more power to him. If he fidgets with his drink (or dumps it in his lap :)) then, well…</p>
<p>What’s different here is that unlike nearly any 50+ year old I know, I’m not a very serious person. So it’s not like we’re in a back room with the suitor in a metal chair bolted to the ground and the bare lamp hanging from the ceiling and all that… Nothing uncomfortable or stressful about it, except in suitor’s head (possibly). </p>
<p>Think of the easy question… do you like doing house repair work? lots of potential answers, some good, some better, some not so good:</p>
<ul>
<li>I love helping my parents do yardwork (good)</li>
<li>I had a fight with my mom because she never gave me last month’s money and I won’t do yardwork again (bad)</li>
<li>The butler hires illegal aliens who do all the yardwork (better)</li>
<li>We live in a high rise on Michigan Avenue and have no yardwork (best)</li>
<li>my ankle bracelet monitoring device goes off outside the house so I can’t help with yard work (very bad)</li>
</ul>
<p>The reason is simple - I’m not looking for volunteer labor here. I’m looking to find out how grounded (mind-wise) the young man is, and whether he realizes he’s in the 1% or not (for better or worse, I live in a 1% city). If he’s aware of what level of education and work it took for his parents to get there, that’s good. If he’s clueless and his only knowledge of the subject is spending his parents’ money like there’s no tomorrow, that’s not so good. </p>
<p>As I said, it’s not rocket science. The current successful suitor is completing his 2nd year, and I actually enjoy his company. His parents adore DD1, and did not seem to mind he followed DD1 to OOS in the same college. </p>
<p>In a high school environment it’s not really a big issue but in college, with parents paying tuition and the like, you better believe things are more important. Anything that affects the prime reason they’re there (to learn) is a concern, whether they like it or not. With a total of a dozen kids from their HS there, they better act as their own support network and they better have their parents’ trust (not necessarily approval) for what’s going on. </p>
<p>And that, dear readers, is what passing the RSAT is all about.</p>
<p>turbo, it’s not a problem to be solved or a game to be beaten. It’s your child’s relationship. Possibly your future DIL or SIL. Let your S or D be the judge. </p>
<p>That’s really all I’ll say about that.</p>
<p>I agree with you romani- while the daughter is young, she is still an adult & if she has been brought up to have good judgement- then Dad shouldn’t have to put BF through an obstacle course * no matter how humorous he thinks he is while doing so*.</p>
<p>Maybe we Elbonian-Americans are old-fashioned, but last I checked, adults pay their own way, and children (regardless of calendar age or constitutional/legal definitions) do not. Big BIG **BIG **difference. </p>
<p>The key is not to stomp up and down while screaming (in heavily accented Elbonian) “you shall not date this Lozer of a man”. By then, it’s too late. The key is to transfer enough of the judgement framework into their own brain so that they can make their own decisions as to whether a suitor, no matter how ‘hot’ or ‘sweet’ or what not, makes the cut. Also, to make the child/young adult understand why the criteria is there in the first place. That’s how judgement is built up.</p>
<p>turbo, that’s your definition. Some hold different definitions. Some are willing to help their children while recognizing that they are competent adults capable of making their own life choices. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You should have built up that “framework” when they were young. Not at dinner with them.</p>
<p>turbo, good luck. I think you are overestimating your influence on your D. If all our children listen to the parents, perhaps the divorce rate won’t be so high in this country.</p>
<p>The framework - like any other mental model the brain creates and uses - does take years to build up. But, like any framework, it’s worthless unless ‘tested’ in real life. It is always easy to spoon-feed or mandate a particular action; but as parents, it is far more rewarding to see that they make the right decisions on their own.</p>
<p>The dinner/RSAT is merely the demo of the framework in action :)</p>
<p>Divorce is not quite in the same category; people change. Situations change; any decision framework has to take such things into account. The Mrs. Turbo I met 30 years ago is not the same person she’s today. I’m not the same person either. I would not expect any decision framework to be able to predict long term relationship success any more than I would expect my framework to pick PowerBall numbers.</p>
<p>So grateful not to have any Elbonian background!</p>
<p>Our second daughter has been dating for about 9 mos. She has not let any guy get too close to her in her 4 yrs of college until meeting him
We met him between Christmas and New Year’s because she asked if he could come to our home ( 8 hour drive )
We really like him . He made an impression on all of us , even the toughest nut to crack , the 14 yr old sister 
The truth is, my daughter is mature and I trust her judgement. There is also a significant age difference , but we are ok with it.
Wherever the relationship goes from here is really up to them.
The bottom line is , he is kind , caring and respectful to her . What more could I ask for ?</p>
<p>I would never, ever treat any potential BF of my daughter the way turbo93 proposes. It’s disrespectful and IMHO, rude.
We have instilled and given her the tools to make good decisions, so we trust that she made a good decision with this guy.
I do not plan to grill him. I just want to be able to meet eye to eye with him. So much can be extracted by observation. Thanks for all the suggestions. We do plan on not getting too involved, just let the dinner flow, enjoy the moment.
I would not think it is a good idea to say to much to my daughter about him, because who knows, he may end up being a SIL.
I want my kids to be around me because of me, not because they feel obligated.</p>
<p>Great way to think about it, m&s. I hope it all goes well :)!</p>
<p>lje62, I could have written your post except for the fact that I have not met my D’s boyfriend. She goes to school across the country and the first time we will meet him is at her graduation from college. They will have been dating for almost a year.</p>
<p>I’m nervous because I don’t want to make the wrong impression. My D has met his parents, they are very kind to her, I hope I am the same to her boyfriend.</p>
<p>I completely disagree with turbo, and, personally, I would never get into a relationship with someone who would put up with something like that from their parents or make me put up with it by not saying anything.</p>
<p>Also, I think it can backfire. If I am committed to someone, especially in a situation where it’s a very serious relationship, with the possibilty of marriage, I will take their side. Always. (of course there are exceptions to everything, but it would have to be something really severe - illegal/unethical) If my parents tried to intervene, it would be their loss. I would not put up with them making my significat other uncomfortable or speaking poorly of them when they are not around (and I would tell the significat other right away). And if this behavior persisted, my contact with them would be limited.</p>
<p>Not to mention, a lot of children may have quite different ideas about what they look for in a spouse vs. what their parents would look for. I say that as a person who too comes from a conservative family from another country. But in the end, it’s my life, and I am not really interested in marrying someone my parents would choose for me. Therefore, they can accept my future spouse, or not, but it won’t change anything about what I do.</p>
<p>deb922–your good intentions will be enough.</p>
<p>I was raised to think for myself and use good judgment. I was very particular about the kind of treatment I expected from a boyfriend. I had definite opinions about what I found attractive in a potential suitor and future partner in life. I was picky and held out for men who treated me with respect and were worthy of mine in return. If my father had chosen to treat my boyfriend as turbo describes on the night I introduced him to my family, I would see that as disrespect for me and my ability to make sound decisions. The result would be that my father would find his smug and arrogant self enjoying far fewer dinners with my company.</p>
<p>I have an otherwise sane friend who, more than once, met her son’s new girlfriend wearing “Billy Bob Teeth.” She even got her husband to wear them once. It was a pretty good test of the girl’s sense of humor if nothing else. I’m not sure where she got the teeth but here is one source:</p>
<p>[Results</a> for Billy Bob Teeth](<a href=“http://www.faketeeth.net/servlet/Search?category=Billy+Bob+Teeth]Results”>http://www.faketeeth.net/servlet/Search?category=Billy+Bob+Teeth)</p>
<p>Turbo93 should be grateful his kids didn’t bring home some of the HS classmates I hung out with. If he pulled that on them, we’d be gleefully conspiring to give him a taste of his own medicine…such as setting up an impromptu punk rock concert with the loudest Marshall Stack amps we can scrounge on his property at 3 am…complete with rowdy screaming moshing punk rock fans. Bonus if those fans are paying ones. 
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. More importantly…parents can be blinded by their own limiting biases, prejudices, or their brands of narrow-mindedness beyond expectations the potential suitor would treat your child kindly and respectfully. </p>
<p>Knew several HS classmates who were rejected by their then SO’s parents solely because they were immigrants/child of immigrants or weren’t wealthy enough to be upper-middle class or better yet…a scion of some well-off upper-crust with a condition in which the afflicted have their noses permanently cocked up at a minimum angle of 30-45 degrees. </p>
<p>Ended up being a loss to both the child and the rejected kids’ families…especially considering several of them are now topflight elite university graduates* and all now have intellectual pedigrees and wealth which match or even greatly exceed those of those stuck up parents. </p>
<p>More ironically…some of those parents have been bitten by pop karma when their fortunes took a nosedive after 2008. </p>
<ul>
<li>Not only undergrad…but also grad/professional school.</li>
</ul>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ding, ding, ding! </p>
<p>If my family could, they’d pick out someone who was extremely ambitious and driven in life because they think that’s what someone like me (ambitious and driven) needs. In reality, I need someone very laid back who can keep me grounded. Furthermore, I want someone who is willing to be a stay at home dad if I can get a job that pays well enough. My current boyfriend fits that bill to a T and he treats me extremely well (as cliche as it sounds, he treats me like a princess). Both of my parents accept him because he treats me very well and that’s good enough for them (and SHOULD be good enough for any parent). I have an extremely close relationship with both of my parents and if either of them pulled anything like what turbo is describing, there’d be immediate strain in our relationship because I don’t respect anyone who treats ANYONE like that (future in-law or not). I also would not appreciate them trying to shift my viewpoint one way or the other about him. It is my life and my choices to make. </p>
<p>And fwiw, my mom is an immigrant and one of the most laid back people I know lol. (Maybe it’s because she’s a Western European immigrant…)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but why would that be relevant to YOU as an in-law? That’s my biggest problem with your questions. They really seem to be fishing for stuff that you shouldn’t be fishing for.</p>
<p>Both my D (28) and my S (22) have significant others. But their stories and relationships and our experiences as parents getting to know their SOs are very different.</p>
<p>D is in her third serious relationship as an adult. She did not date in high school and very little in college but works in a heavily male field so met lots of guys then. We met each of the the young men she dated seriously (for a year or so each) and I now jokingly refer to the current fellow as “Bachelor number three.” </p>
<p>S had dated the same young woman since mid high school. They are now graduating from different colleges and making plans for their future together post undergrad. (He wants to find a job in the area where she will be going to professional school, and he has told me that once he has done that, they will consider the marriage question.)</p>
<p>Anyhow, I have known S’s GF for many years and we have socialized with her parents over the years, etc.</p>
<p>While I do agree that it is a mistake to assume wedding bells are in the works until so notified, let’s get real – dating is (at least for my kids and for some measure of the rest of the world) part of the process of getting to know a potentially suitable mate.</p>
<p>H and I met D’s current boyfriend when they visited us after dating for several months and they were serious at that point. (Again, she is 28 and he is 35 so are at that point in their lives.) D’s “young man” is unusually talented in several areas and has been from a young age – was a child prodigy and eminently Google-able. (Which I did – can you blame me?) Went to college at 12 and had his Ph. D. at 21. But she did mention to us not to focus on this with him (not that we would have as we try to be “cool”) and she said he wants to be perceived just as “a real boy.” He is now a prof at an HYPSM school but distinguished himself in another field before going into academics. When we met (and spent much of a weekend together) we discussed families, places we have lived and visited, food, books, work, etc. He must know we know the details on his history but we focused on the regular stuff. It seemed to go well all around.</p>
<p>He was very sweet and brought me some special items of my favorite food category and also gave us a collection of pictures he had made up for us of our D and him on some of their dates. We had two meals out and a dinner at home.</p>
<p>With S’s GF it has been a very different experience as they had many “dinner and a movie with the family” dates at either her house or ours over the years. Plus since they were so young when they started dating we parents were more authority figures in the early years (giving permission re use of the car, etc.) Now of course we have moved beyond that but it is a progression.</p>
<p>Of course both kids are interested in our reaction to their SO’s but fortunately we like/approve both their choices and just try to be supportive. I figure at least one of these couples may well be long term but of course it could be either one, or both, or neither. My main goal is not to be an issue in my kids’ relationships. I have let each of them know that I respect that their SO should be first in their lives and I want to be supportive of that. So far they have shown good judgement and I am grateful for that. </p>
<p>I try to make time spent with them enjoyable and low pressure. For example, H and I will be attending a wedding in a few weeks and D and her SO will also be there. D mentioned that perhaps her boyfriend would ask me to dance and I told her that attending a wedding with her and her parents was pressure enough on a young man, so not to pressure him into dancing with me on top of it!</p>
<p>Anyhow, I say just enjoy it – it is always nice to experience someone being in love with your child IMO. After all, don’t the parents get some credit for having created such lovable individuals? It’s all good as long as we parents don’t make any problems! You can’t lose by being pleasant and supportive.</p>