<p>I tend to agree with those who say the best course is simply to meet the BF and have a nice meal with him and D. Once kids are beyond a certain age, parents have to step back and let their kids make their own decisions when it comes to who they are with. That doesn’t mean we have no right to an opinion or to give feedback where we think we need to but it has to be used judiciously. I don’t care whether the kid has been on their own since 16 and totally supported themselves, or we continue to help them, there are areas where they have to make their own decisions and where our role is limited to sparingly giving advice. Yeah, kids are going to crash and burn, they are going to find losers, they were going to find winners (for them) we consider losers, but it is their life, we don’t own them and quite honestly the only thing they owe us is to go out and try and live the best life they can. Obviously, if my son was dating someone I thought had serious issues, where I saw signs of what I thought was mental illness or drug use, for example, my reaction would be different then let’s say I didn’t like the way she dressed.</p>
<p>I also would hope they both would feel comfortable with my wife and myself, that they enjoyed being around us though obviously we can’t always control that. One poster said it was more a test of the BF being accepted by them then vice versa (whether in jest or not I don’t know), but I don’t agree, quite honestly while our children are always our children, they are going to live their own lives as they see fit, and if we assume we are going to be part of their lives no matter how we act we might be in for a big surprise.</p>
<p>“Traditional” cultures often have this idea that “FAMILY” comes before “family” (i.e the birth family and the various appendages weights more heavily then our own, created family) but that to me is crap; if relatives are nasty, if they are people you don’t want to be around, if they act in ways if it was someone outside the family you would kick the crap out of them verbally or otherwise, why would you put up with it simply because “it is family”…having lived through that I look back now and say why, why would I want to put myself or my own family in the line of fire of that? Among other things, it gives nasty family members carte blanche to act the way they want and not expect repurcussions (and yes, that includes parental in laws as well). If you assume that no matter what you do, that your child and their spouse will accept it, you are also heading for a situation where you are locked out of their lives. Obviously, that doesn’t mean putting up with bad behavior either as a parent, if the BF is a loudmouthed boor who insults you, or makes clear he wants nothing to do with you, then you have every right to protect yourselves as well; the point is, it needs to be a two way street of mutual respect, if not love. For me, I respect and love my son too much to denigrate his choices and even if I don’t particularly like someone he is with, I will make the effort to respect his choices and be as kind as I can be, as long as the reverse relationship is respectful as well.</p>
I want different things for her than what she wants- but I recognize that is my problem not hers.</p>
Sounds like you all are doing fine.</p>