<p>Well, it is cerrtainly old fashioned, but I’m sure there are girls out there who appreciate that sort of thing. My daughter would be saying, “Who the hell does he think he is? If he wants to date me, he needs to ask ME.” I tend to agree but more with the order – if a boy asked my daughter whether she would want to do xyz, then asked me for permission (after her ‘yes’), I would be favorably impressed. However, if he asked her father instead (unless he happened to answer the phone), I would be really irritated!</p>
<p>But why would your daughters date ask you for permission to take your daughter somewhere? Isn’t it up to your daughter to ask you? It’s as if saying the parents and the date have the authority over the daughter. Now, I realize it’s not as if your daughter didn’t want to go and you told the date it was okay, but it’s the whole permission thing between the parents and the date that sticks in my crawl.</p>
<p>My kids did not tend to “date” in high school. The only true dates were proms or other situation where couples were encouraged. Otherwise, they would be meeting up with a bunch of kids. Still, we encouraged our kids to have their friends come to the door if they were picking them up and to come in if dropping them off. For the most part, that happened, but on occassions when they were running late, it did not.</p>
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:rolleyes: Because the handful of times he’s asked the mothers (who are usually much more accessible because they’re the ones who show up at school), they’ve all referred him to the fathers. All but one, anyway, and that one is someone who’s been working with him intensively on a project for several months. She knows him better than the father does, plus that family is a bit more left-leaning than the others he’s had contact with and everyone understands that they’re going strictly as pals.</p>
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We’re talking about formal dating situations here; e.g., Homecoming and Prom, and usually the very first date he’s had with a particular girl. In any of those cases, by the time he gets to the parents, the girl almost always knows and has given her consent either explicitly or implicitly. He goes to the parents for their consent before making the Big Ask – the tickets and flowers, brownies, message in a puzzle, or whatever.</p>
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Not the date, but at their age (high school, remember – he’s not in college yet – we’re talking 15 to just barely 18 years), the parents do have that authority. And these are girls who recognize that fact and even appreciate it. Most of them, if he asked them directly, would refer him to their parents.</p>
<p>IMHO, you ladies are getting out the purple clothes and red hats over absolutely nothing. He is playing by the rules that the girls themselves have set. It may not be the way you want to operate; that’s fine. It is very much the way the girls in his area (at least the ones he’s been interested in) and their families want it.</p>
<p>I must say, though, that if you think a guy who hides out in the car and texts his date to come out is actually showing more respect for her than a guy who woos her parents as well as her… well, personally, life has taught me otherwise. YMMV.</p>
<p>Perhaps you are mixing me up with another poster, but my son is not a text from a car guy. In fact, he’s been dating a girl for about four months now and every single time we go to her house he runs to the door and even opens the car door for her - if he can beat her to it. </p>
<p>As parents, we DO have authority over our kids, who they date and even where they go, but it is not the date’s responsibility to ask me for permission, it’s my own child’s. </p>
<p>I guess I’m just glad that we don’t live in an area where it’s normal for boys to ask their date’s fathers “permission” and glad my son is not dating a girl that would think that was okay. I won’t quibble with you though geek_mom, different strokes…</p>
<p>I have a 16 yr old daughter. Her first “date” with her current bf involved him coming over to “hang out” with her in our basement, watch a rented DVD and play pool. So obviously, he came into the house. </p>
<p>I’m thinking about previous guys she dated. There were 2 last summer. One pulled into the driveway and she was out the front door before I had a chance to do anything but wave to them as they drove away. The other came to the door as I was cooking dinner, I let D answer it and she called, “Bye mom” and left. Later she said he was ready to come in and say hi, and why didn’t I answer the door? (Sorry, had my hands in a bowl of raw chicken at the time and had been warned by D not to “grill” him so I was trying to be cool.). Before that, the guys were getting driven by their parents, I think they came to the door but just said a quick “hi” on the porch since a parent was waiting in the car.</p>
<p>I’m all for the guy coming in to say hello and have a conversation. As a matter of fact, D and I have discussed that one of the reasons we like this bf better than her previous long-term bf is that he is completely comfortable standing in the kitchen and talking to us for 10 minutes or longer. If he has dinner with us, he’ll sit and chat for 20 minutes afterward, looking us in the eye the whole time. The previous bf would have a conversation but it would be brief and you could tell he wasn’t comfortable the whole time.</p>
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<p>I mean no disrespect to you or your son when I say that I have never met girls or mothers like the ones you describe. Even so, I have the same expectation that boys and men treat women with respect, but I’m ok with a less formal approach. You can be casual and still have good manners.</p>
<p>I don’t understand the reference to purple clothes and red hats?</p>
<p>Senior d had a first date last week with a new guy. He came to the door and shook her dad’s hand, but d was ready and off they went. Last night - same thing. Texting her that he was outside would not have been okay, so I’m glad that scenario didn’t play out. I had asked d to be ready about 10 minutes before he was to arrive, so that he didn’t have to awkwardly visit with us while waiting for her - I believe my comment was along the lines of “please, don’t do that to any of us.” I expect good manners - coming to door and saying hello. If the young man did not do so, I probably would have walked out to the car and nicely said that he needed to come in for a minute to be checked out. :). </p>
<p>My two cents on the current discussion: I guess I fall in the middle here. I wouldn’t have been comfortable with him asking me for permission to take my d out. (Forget dad - he’s barely comfortable with the idea of the girls dating :p) Nor would I have known what to answer. Asking me for permission would have been too much for a simple first date - whether to the movies or the prom. However, he best be willing to make that “walk to the door and exchange pleasantries” effort.</p>
<p>Historymom,</p>
<p>If your DDs go to the Claremonts the one who isn’t dating GeekSon can meet up with my DS. He is trying for Pomona, and is a bit nerdy himself in ways. Tell them to look for the Hapa wandering around with a smile and an impenetrable force field of goofiness.</p>
<p>Re post 8 and the 10 simples rules. I kinda feel like #5 "If you make her cry, I will make you cry. " D2 has been crying a bit lately. </p>
<p>We also have been lucky. Most of the boys D1 dated she was friendly with first. So by the time they were texting from the car, we were OK with that. But in all honesty, they usually came in. I often plied them with food/treats. I usually kept some good sweet tea in the house, and maybe some cookies. So I made it worth their while. </p>
<p>D2 was a little more hesitant to bring a new boy in. They were usually just friends first as well. Funny, she would be one to text him to see if he was close, and he would irritate her by coming in to chat and have some sweet tea or whatnot. I always liked the ones who were new, walked right up and shook hands and introduced themselves, before going into the family room for a game of Wii.</p>
<p>We put an addition on to our home when the kids were babies. It included a second family room. Best room we ever added. It became the room where friends came to hang out in. And when they were old enough to have boys coming over, often in a group, the Wii was the next best addition. Now it is Guitar Hero (with the whole band set-up where they can all take turns.) Keeps them occupied, having fun, and at our house!.</p>
<p>I’ve got boys, and it never occurred to me that they would ever sit in their car and text their date to come out to the car! I asked them what they do on a first date or any date… they both said they always go inside and talk for a bit first. What I love is that usually after their dinner/movie/basketball game or whatever they’ve done, they bring their date home and WE get to meet HER! Of course, strict orders not to “grill” or “hover”, haha.</p>