<p>I’ll try to be brief. Son has done well at college for three years, on the dean’s list, responsible, made friends, has a part time paid internship. </p>
<p>My husband, son and I had a meltdown yesterday while we were away from home attending a wedding. This doesn’t occur often. But S was being disrespectful (also unusual) to me and when he was called out on it, he started getting upset, saying we weren’t treating him like a son, that we didn’t make him feel like part of the family, ect. Then his dad said, of course we love you, we do a lot for you, we’re paying for you to go to college…</p>
<p>S got more upset and said, “I hate going to that college! I never wanted to go there in the first place! I hate my major!”(he’s studying business)</p>
<p>Okay, all this is news to us, his parents. He’s our only son, he has it pretty good yet I don’t baby him. He looked at four colleges and he liked this one. It was his choice but for some reason, he wants to say I made him go there and I most certainly DID NOT. Also, he has had good experiences there, and comments how much he likes his boss at his internship.</p>
<p>We got him calmed down as we still had things to do while we were away and I said it wasn’t the time to discuss the matter. We are being polite to each other and no one has brought up the subject since then. </p>
<p>He’s out of school until the fall, then will have about 7 1/2 months to graduate. I don’t want to see him derail what he’s worked for.</p>
<p>Step back from the ledge. Son has done great, on dean’s list, responsible, made friends. has internship. He is not self-destructing. He’s claiming his life and accomplishments as his own. Not yours. At some point we all have to confront parents to claim our own lives and make our own decisions. It can be in big or little ways, all at once or bit by bit. Those confrontations don’t always come at the most opportune times or with the best context.
You called him out on “disrespect” and then didn’t discuss it. Was it really disrespect or his opinion didn’t jibe with yours? Was the reaction way out of proportion to the situation? It might be news to you about the college because actually there is no news–he really does like it, knows he made the decision and is just venting frustration with whatever stress/situation is at hand. Give the whole situation the benefit of the doubt. Start treating and looking at him as a new adult and not your only child.</p>
<p>Looking at your post history it is clear that you have been quite involved in the minutiae of your son’s college experience, from how to carry an ID card to room mate issues, that he probably should have done on his own. I don’t think that your son has ever really left the nest. He is trying to do so now, and you should let him. Best wishes to you all.</p>
<p>gouf, thanks for your perspective, it makes sense. The three of us were out of state for three days for the wedding, lots of activities involving extended family, finding our way around in a very large city we’d never been before and squeezing in some sight-seeing. It was mostly fun but at times, hectic. </p>
<p>My husband and I have done a lot of traveling during the three years son has been away to college and are used to things being hectic when learning new surroundings and we just deal with it. The dynamic is different when we add our son to the mix as most of the time he is doing his own thing with his friends and we spend less time as a family together than when he was younger. I know there’s that transition kids make to break from their parents, I had that with my own parents. </p>
<p>I know you probably don’t want my opinion as a student, but I have found that being at home can be crazy weird. You aren’t “treating him like a son” because your relationship has changed with him. As a student, I remember living with my parents everyday and having to put up with their quirks (don’t worry, I love them a lot and have a good relationship), and still see myself (in a way) as part of this nuclear family, so to come home and realize that everything isn’t 100% the same as you remember is kind of jarring. </p>
<p>For example: my parents have suddenly started talking about getting a second dog (something they always said they would never do), my sister is getting heavily involved in Horse riding competitions, and stuff, but it seems so completely jarring to me because I wasn’t there throughout this, so it seems like all of this happened much quicker then it actually did. It feels like I am the last person to learn of new stuff going on at home (as, really, I should be :P). One week it seems like my mom is just looking at ‘doggie porn’ (what me and her joke about- she’s always looked at dog rescue sites for fun), and the next she is talking about how I should come home on Friday rather then Saturday because the lady from the rescue site is coming over and want to meet with the entire family. </p>
<p>And there have been times when that can actually get hard, and my guess is he broke down because of that. He might love his major, but he is feeling isolated from his family while away at college, so he blames it for his weird feelings. My suggestion would be to point out how well he is doing, that he loves his internship, and try and reach out to him more throughout the School year. </p>
<p>Sometimes I have noticed that kids perceive the normal growing away that happens during college as a lost connectoin or even a kind of betrayal or abandonment. They can get angry because of this very normal loss, which is also a bittersweet gain. You might reassure him of the normal nature of these feelings and discuss the stage of life he is now in, straightforwardly.</p>
<p>Since things have cooled down, I would also respectfully bring up the question of major and asked if he really hates it, and say that you would support him in whatever he, as an adult, chooses do to do about it.</p>
<p>Honestly, it just sounds like you all had a stressful moment and lashed out a bit. Unless it comes up again, I’d try not to read too much into it, personally,</p>
<p>Kids of all ages hold it together until they are safely with the people who love them unreservedly. And then they have melt downs. Happens with toddlers. Happens with kindergarteners. Happens with middle schoolers, and teenagers, and young adults. And middle aged married people, for that matter. We take out the frustrations of life on the people who love us no matter what. As a parent, you get the worst of it. and the "subject"of the melt down isn’t necessarily what it is really all about. </p>
<p>Mostly what it means is that your son trusts that he can express ugly, pent up feelings in front of you because he knows you love him. Think of it as a compliment to the strength of your relationship. Let it go. </p>
<p>templestudent, I very much appreciate your perspective as a student to help me understand what my son might be thinking. Your post makes great sense, and your comment about the doggie porn is quite funny.</p>
<p>compmom & psych, thanks for the additional insight. From time to time, I use this forum to help me navigate the waters of supporting son through his college years and it’s been very helpful.</p>
<p>eastcoast, your comment about ‘kids of all ages hold it together until safely with people who love them unconditionally’ is so true; thanks for the reminder.</p>
<p>Templestudent- that was some great insight. As a parent, I’ve tried not to react to some of the steps my kids have taken to establishing their own lives, even though I naturally feel left out. I’ve accepted that this is the natural course of things. I know they love me, but they also have their own friends, interests, and plans.
However, I’ve also adapted to being the parent of older kids and re-established some of my own interests. Recently one of my kids reacted to my changing some things in the house around. This took me by surprise since I didn’t think it mattered at this point, but after reading your post I get why it mattered- it was a change and they wanted to know about it.
I’m going to be more careful to keep them informed about what I am doing. We parents adjust to those teen years when our kids don’t seem to notice parents at all, but I think older kids do.
OP, I am sorry your son had a meltdown, but maybe it’s part of transition. At this point, finishing his degree is in his best interest, and I hope he continues on the path he’s set for himself. He seems to be invested in doing this so far.</p>
<p>You absolutely need to talk about his statement:
</p>
<p>You need to be prepared to hear whatever it is he has to say. It sounds to me like he is having second thoughts about his major, and doesn’t know how to approach you about changing it. This doesn’t mean he will change it, but you need to allow him to discuss this with you. You want him to be happy right? So
<p>My first thought was that he might be having “girlfriend” problems. When my children lash out it is usually something social related that is bothering them. Once they have calmed down, the real issue surfaces and it never has anything to do with what they might have said during the confrontation. When something is really under their skin, their whole world seems like it is wrong somehow. Irrational I know, but it is the teenage mind.</p>
<p>Give it some time and see if he brings up the subject again.</p>
<p>@templestudent Thanks for providing some insight from the student point of view! As parents we see all the changes our young-adult children are going through, but it’s easy to forget that we’re changing, too, and that that can be challenging for someone who looks to home as their port in the storm. My husband and I have been thinking about selling our house and moving to another city once D goes to college. Your perspective has made me rethink that a little bit. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks! (And I will admit to a slight doggie porn addiction myself…Petfinder is bookmarked on my “favorite places” tab.)</p>
<p>My wife still talks about how upset she was when she came home to find her parents had changed the siding on their house.</p>
<p>I think it’s possible that the young man doesn’t really hate his college or his major, but he was just angry. Ask him about it later, in a calm moment.</p>
<p>Following up on this matter: for two days after the incident, son and I were polite to each other and didn’t bring up the subject of school. He went out all day with his cousin and the next day, I went back to work. By the time I came home, husband had gone to work. I spent the afternoon/evening cleaning, relaxing and getting back in the regular routine. Son and I had a polite supper together. Later that night we were both walking into the kitchen at the same time together from different rooms and I said casually, “So what’s this about you hating your school and your major?”</p>
<p>He admitted that there wasn’t a problem with either, that he liked them both but at the time we were in out of town, he’d been lashing out in anger. I think some of the words of wisdom from gouf78 were true. I hadn’t heard that my son hated his school and major because it simply wasn’t true. </p>
<p>I think the matter boils down to my son asking to be treated more respectfully and we, his parents, were asking our son to be more considerate of us. Being away and out of our comfort zone may have made son feel less secure. I think we’re back on track now, and I truly appreciate the insight and advice offered from all the posts.</p>
<p>I think he’s just stressed out. Junior year is a really stressful and difficult time for a lot of kids. I was completely falling apart by the end of the year (not academically but emotionally).</p>
<p>Poeme, can you offer any insight as to the reasons you felt you were falling apart emotionally by the end of your junior year? My son said that this second semester of his junior year which he just finished was his least favorite time at college. Some of those factors had to be the brutal winter (in Pittsburgh, PA) and that he lived off campus for the first time (no car in the 'Burgh) so it wasn’t always a picnic getting to class or getting out for groceries or walking to work. He also took six classes (his choice) this semester so it was a heavy class load plus he worked his part time internship (again, his choice). For the most part, I feel that he has a lot going for him, is self motivated, has friends at school, friends still from home, gets along well with his professors and his boss. But sometimes I think he may have some self doubts for whatever reason kids have those in their early 20s.</p>
<p>I just felt very isolated. Everyone was stressed out about getting an internship (I had been planning to do an REU since late February so this didn’t apply to me) and you could feel that in the environment. I felt like most of my friends didn’t actually care about me and that I didn’t have anyone to confide in. The weekends were the worst because I would just the library to study or go to the gym or grocery store and that would be the only time I went out all day.</p>
<p>I also lived in a dorm with my friend and two random roommates who we didn’t talk to. My friend rarely even got dressed or went outside on the weekends, usually only in the nights so that was depressing to watch. The dorm really had no community and the suite was really cramped with the four of us. I think that just made things worse because I felt I had no privacy, especially since the walls were so thin.</p>
<p>My academics were unaffected, probably because I spent all my time studying as usual. I actually did really well that semester, especially with research and got a huge unexpected award in the beginning of the summer. But during the whole time I felt like I was a failure and not smart enough to do anything.</p>
<p>While I’m a mom of adult children now, I also remember kind of freaking out at the end of my junior year. I realized that I only had one year left of college and then I was expected to really be an adult with a job and everything. There was a different kind of pressure to classes at that point because they were classes in my major that I really had to know and understand to be successful in the real world. That was kind of overwhelming to think about a year in advance. When the time came though, I was ready, just like we are ready for kindergarten, middle school and high school when they happen. </p>