Mentoring disadvantaged teenagers: any tips?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m going to be starting to mentor some teenagers (equivalent of high school freshmen) who are from fairly deprived backgrounds, living in what would be referred to in the US as the Projects and going to a failing school. The ones that I’ll be mentoring have expressed an interest in going to university, and have the academic potential to do so, but their backgrounds mean that they are statistically much less likely to go to university than people from other backgrounds. </p>

<p>However, I’ve absolutely no experience in working with children over the age of about 10, and no experience whatsoever of working in a classroom setting. I know that my accent will lead to them marking me out in their minds as being ‘posh’. The reality doesn’t quite bear that out, it’s just a regional accent from another part of the country, but it has the potential to lead to a kind of ‘you’re not like us’ / ‘university is for the likes of you, not us’ issues, with potential problems for behaviour management and lack of respect. </p>

<p>Does anyone have any tips, particularly with regards to behaviour management, keeping kids of that age engaged, and any personal experiences of mentoring? </p>

<p>Thanks in advance</p>

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<p>I had a good deal of positive feedback from teaching chess at a youth shelter. The kids universally believed that they could not learn chess, and it was a big boost when they found out that they could learn chess.</p>

<p>Is this a traditional classroom? Do you have specific responsibilities in the classroom? Are you working with a regular teacher in the room as well?</p>

<p>With regard to your accent: I was quite obviously different from my students as well. From my experience, humility, acceptance, nonjudgmentalness go a long way. And don’t come in thinking that your accent makes you unretrievably different. That is your own thinking and fear: it doesn’t have to be theirs.</p>

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<p>I mentored a HS girl from a very poor background for two years. I had some training, and the best advice was just to be myself. You are not there to necessarily “teach” anything specific, but just to show that there is another way to be. By spending time with you, the mentees will recognize that the people around them are not the only “way to be.”</p>

<p>It was also suggested in my training that I think of someone who had a big influence on me. That person showed me a “different way to be” and has had a lifelong impact on me.</p>

<p>So – just be yourself. The point in most mentoring relationships is to just spend time with the mentee. Do that, and enjoy yourself.</p>

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<p>I would suggest being immediately forthright on the accent issue. “Hearing my voice, you may think I’m from X sort of background and had all the privileges that go with that. Actually, it’s a regional accent from Y, and I also had barriers to overcome, such as ABC, but I made it to university, and so can you.” Being honest about who you are, and letting them ask questions and get to know you, is probably the best thing you can do. I teach (in college) many students who have barely made it there from the projects or close to it, and they mostly appreciate someone opening up about themselves.</p>

<p>And ask them about their aspirations. What they’d like to do and be, if the paths were available to them (which leads gradually to showing them how they can strive toward those attainments.) But also don’t sugarcoat–there are a lot of barriers to overcome, and someone telling them to “just” believe they can do so will look like they don’t get it. So basically, be honest about who you are, listen to who they are and what their challenges are, and then tell them you and they can work together to figure out how they can make it work.</p>

<p>That’s, of course, when the hard part comes! :slight_smile: But bless you for being there; you truly can make a difference.</p>

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<p>A young woman mentored when she was in high school once told me that one of the best things her mentor did was to take her to a good restaurant and teach her table manners! Other things they worked on were also along the lines of social skills: making small talk, importance of thank you notes, etc. This was kind of far in the girl’s mentorship, when she was getting ready to apply to Ivies, east coast LACs - places physically and socially far from the girl’s comfort zone.</p>

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<p>Remember that not only will they learn from you, but you will learn from them. Remember that your solutions that seem logical and simple may not be do-able or imaginable in their situation. Break down plans/assignments into small, manageable tasks for more likely success.</p>

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<p>Great thread! </p>

<p>All great ideas and not sure if this hasn’t been suggested. Discuss things that you have in common. Music? Art? TV Shows? Hobbies? Its important for them(and for you) to see that just b/c we are different, we can be so much alike. Show your humanity. Show that you care. Be loving, approachable but firm when needed. Let them know that the journey to college is a winding road and one can make it, as long as they avoid lifes pitfalls by making good choices. </p>

<p>Remember that just b/c these kids are poor and come from the “hood”, each will come from a different experience and don’t assume that they share the same stories. </p>

<p>1)Teach them that organizational skills are important. </p>

<p>2)Keeping a daily To Do List will help them reach small, attainable goals on a daily basis and stay on task. Ask to see their lists and ask how they feel when they complete the lists. They should feel accomplished and motivated.</p>

<p>3) They should have a book to read with them at all times. Read something EVERYDAY. Be it a newspaper article(WSJ or NYT would be great), a magazine article, a blog. etc They will learn so much about the world around them… The words that they are not familiar with should be looked up in a dictionary. Tell them this will not only help with their verbal skills, but it will help with the SAT’s. </p>

<p>4)When doing homework, turn phones OFF or place in another room so it doesn’t distract. Friends can wait. The future can’t. There are no do overs in life. Especially those who are poor and impoverished. Turn phones off at night so they can get sleep. Texting friends at all hours of the night is a waste of time/energy and leaves one drained the next day.</p>

<p>5)Be very mindful of what their social media life says about them. Colleges/Employers do check. Who their friends are on social media matters as well. My mama always used to say" Association breeds assimilation."</p>

<p>6)Oh yes, take them on college tours/attend college fairs starting now if you can! It makes college tangible… keeps it in the frontal lobe(teens can have very short memories). It shows them that its not some foreign place that is unattainalbe. One college trip/marking period if at all possible. </p>

<p>7)Write/email colleges and tell them what you are doing. Ask if they would be willing to send you X amount of college brochures for each mentee. Then put a folder together for each of them. Or better yet, have them write to the colleges. It will help them to become familiar with writing to unfamiliar adults at an early age.</p>

<p>8)Get them each a copy of Dr Ben Carson’s Gifted Hands. Then see if you find the movie and have them watch it.</p>

<p>9)Summer programs are out there and they should be taken advantage of. Many have scholarship monies and are looking to give it away. Summer programs can serve a few purposes. It removes them from lots of inner city stuff that could derail their futures. It also keeps them learning throughout the hazy/lazy days of summer. My dd did a program at Choate in the summer of 2011 and had the time of her life!!! There was a bus load of students(along with their mentor) who drove up from Alabama for the 6 week program. They were bleary eyed/tired when they arrived but I am sure they had an amazing time while there! A great place for ANY kid to spend their summer. They have great FA and the deadline isn’t until March I believe. </p>

<p>[Phillips</a> Academy - How to Apply](<a href=“http://www.andover.edu/SummerSessionOutreach/MathScience/HowtoApply/Pages/default.aspx]Phillips”>http://www.andover.edu/SummerSessionOutreach/MathScience/HowtoApply/Pages/default.aspx) This program looks amazing. Not sure if they would be willing to accept anymore app’s but it may be worth a try. It never hurts to call/ask.</p>

<p>10)Have them sign up for the SAT question of the day. </p>

<p>11)Join Khan Academy. Visit the site on a regular basis and start the knowledge map. Work on their math skills. You can sign up to be their coaches.</p>

<p>12)Have them take a practice PSAT or SAT test. So they know what it looks, feels and smells like. Maybe do a section at a time. Have them do it at home on weekends/vacations. And if they need help with the math section, they can go to Khan Academy for great instruction on each problem from the College Board Blue Book. Eventually, do a whole test in one timed sitting! Possibly at the end of soph year. I have Direct Hits word list, if you want it, PM me… I don’t mind sharing.</p>

<p>13)Have them join College Confidential. So much advice here and its early enough where they could really put it to good use. </p>

<p>14) On another note, you mentioned behavior issues… if any disrespect should ever appear. Let them know that lack of respect is a deal breaker. And that if they want you to shepard them on their path to college then respect MUST go both ways. And if they refuse to abide by that rule. Let them know that they can see themselves out of the door. Should they decide to comport themselves in an appropriate manner, they can return. But not until then. They will respect the firmness/confidence.</p>

<p>15) This might be a tough sell… but encourage them to refrain from dating if at all possible. It can be such a HUGE distraction and take them away from the important task at hand. Sex will inevitably occur and we all know what happens when that begins. Especially to poor and impoverished young people. You can’t take babies to college!</p>

<p>I could go on and on all night. Somebody stop me!! :)</p>

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<p>@boomting</p>

<p>When I first read your post I had a hint that you were from abroad(by the way you spell behavior). I just went back to read your post again and saw your location. Are you from England? I was just thinking that these tips may or may not translate across the big pond. I can’t be too sure. As the issues that these kids face may be different from the issues that the kids face here in the states. I am no professional but I am sure others will chime in and agree/disagree on this. </p>

<p>At any rate, good luck to you and all your efforts</p>

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<p>My son had 'Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion (Gregory Boyle) as assigned reading in one of his classes. I read it on a whim and found it very powerful. It is written by a Jesuit priest who works with clashing gangs in LA. I mention this here because the table manners issues comes up several times. As do some other things that most here would take for granted as ‘duh…EVERYONE knows that’. It is a relative quick and easy read but gives an outsider a good look at what life in the ‘Projects’ is like. The OP might find some insights in this book.</p>

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<p>One must be careful not to turn every mentoring interaction into a classroom experience. Just be with them – talk, share experiences, have fun. Too much teaching and you’ll turn them off. They’ll learn from you anyway.</p>

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<p>I agree Very Happy. But these kids are already lacking in many skill sets I’m sure. So it behooves him to work on things that will make a difference in LESS than 3 years. Remember, the college app process begins in the beginning of senior year. So they have such little time to hone some skills and figure out where they are going/how they are going to get there. Having a parent who is all over this stuff on an in house setting is one thing. But mentoring once/twice per week is another story. So he has even less precious time to assist in this process. Not sure if this I am making sense… :)</p>

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<p>The girl I mentored is not going to college. The girl I mentored quite a restaurant job after two weeks because “it was too hard.” You need to set your expectations after you meet your mentee.</p>

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<p>My point is, College is not necessarily the definition of success for these kids. Assuming it is means you’re imposing your values on the mentee. You need to let the mentee take the lead and react to that.</p>

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<p>In what setting will you be mentoring these kids–strictly at a high school, in a community center, etc? Will you be able to take the kids on field trips to places of employment, college tours, etc.? For me I would think that showing these kids that there is a life outside of the projects, especially if they can meet people from the projects that "made it"would be very beneficial. If you can’t do that, having someone there that cares that they got their first B on a math test, good or bad for them, is a big deal.</p>

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<p>You are making a lot of assumptions. Many kids in need of mentors come from backgrounds where the parents are supportive.</p>

<p>The OP needs to meet the child, gain his/her trust, and see what the child would like from the OP. </p>

<p>Again, the OP has a lot to offer just by being herself.</p>

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<p>I haven’t chimed in here, coming from the other side of these tracks, because it can be awkward, but here is something I would suggest - don’t try to “relate” by telling your own version of sob story unless they really are comparable. </p>

<p>E.g. FIL sometimes talks about how he and MIL were “poor” in the '60’s when they had 4 kids. FIL was a lawyer, MIL trained as a nurse (although she wasn’t working then, she could have supplemented their income if needed). They lived in a house they owned and were responsible, stable people. There is no way in hades that this compares in any way, shape, or form with the poverty and dysfunction I was living in during those same years. It’s like telling someone you had your leg amputated in a war and having them say they can relate because they broke a fingernail once. Really, don’t go there.</p>

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<p>One of the things that often goes unmentioned is the fact that kids like this realize, but often well-meaning mentors and teachers don’t, is that going to university means actively rejecting peers (and often family members) in favor of a whole different culture. In the words of Thomas Wolfe, “you can’t go home again.” Only certain kids are going to be willing to do that, regardless of their academic potential. Support at home is over half the battle, but sometimes a mentor who understands that can make a difference.</p>

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<p>My only advice is that there are many terrific reasons to do this, but don’t do it expecting gratitude from the young person. You may get thanks at some point, but you may not, or the thanks may not reflect the amount of time/money/emotional investment you put into the relationship. So just be prepared for that and focus on the other kinds of rewards that you can get from this service. Gratitude, if it ever comes, can just be a welcome surprise.</p>

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<p>My favorite clients, when I was working as a psychologist, were adolescent foster kids. In general, teenagers just want to be liked and listened to. As Hanna says, don’t expect direct gratitude, but you will probably sense that you are doing something worthwhile. Do find out your duty to report if you hear about abuse. I always started a first session by telling kids what I needed to report for their safety. Of course, as a psychologist I had more duty to report and also probably more duty to keep confidentiality than you will.</p>

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<p>My D mentors/tutors disadvantaged children, but is also a minority (though not disadvantaged) who has often found herself the only minority in a sea of Well Meaning White People. She’s seen this topic from both sides. For anyone working with disadvantaged children, especially from a different ethnic group, here are some of the things she’s run into and has discussed with me:</p>

<p>•Get to know the child’s skill set and hold them to high expectations based on that. That means 1) not assuming a poorly done assignment is the best they can do OR 2) not assuming that a challenging assignment is beyond them. FIND OUT FIRST, and work from there. Also, don’t assume “failing school” means that all the teachers there are below-par and the students lacking.</p>

<p>•Don’t assume that a certain ethnicity means a child likes or follows a celebrity/writer/type of music “typical” to that ethnicity and make comments like, “So, what about that Kanye?” or “Don’t you just LOVE fried chicken?” (yes, these things have happened)</p>

<p>•Don’t make ignorant comments about the child’s dress, hair style, name, etc. Don’t ask if the braids hurt, or if her scalp bled getting it done (yes, really). You can be interested without sounding stupid. </p>

<p>•NEVER use ethnic slang to sound cool or “with it”. You won’t impress the kid and you’ll just sound ridiculous. And if you use the N word to be cool, you deserve the reaction you’ll get and the parent’s wrath.</p>

<p>•Don’t assume that disadvantaged or being from a certain minority group mean that the child lives in a “bad part of town” or in a “ghetto”. Even if they do, don’t make comments about “the most dangerous corner of the city”. </p>

<p>•Never, ever say, “You don’t SOUND/ACT (black, Latina, Native).” Just don’t.</p>

<p>•Do let the child know that you will help them do better.</p>

<p>•Do let her know that while you may not have “been there”, you are there for her.</p>

<p>•Do know that sometimes they are too overwhelmed with their challenges to settle down and focus. </p>

<p>•Do know that sometimes you can’t make things better but can be a sympathetic ear/shoulder to cry on. Sometimes they just need a safe place to cry.</p>

<p>•Do talk about your own goals-it helps to know that you’ve worked for something and achieved it. As has been mentioned already-talk about colleges and careers. </p>

<p>•If you can, expose them to cultural options around your city. Some kids don’t get a chance to visit museums, the theater, etc. BUT, don’t imply that whatever you’re viewing/seeing is “better” than what they value in their own cultures.</p>

<p>•For many African Americans, the church is a main focus in their lives. Even some young children have a number of activities tied to the church and might talk often of their “church family”. Please respect this. MY D has had people tell her that her version of worship is not the “right” one.</p>

<p>I could go on and on, but these are D’s suggestions for now.</p>