There is a fine line between assertive and aggressive and sadly many don’ understand it.
Remember this is an event for people you do not know well, but still want to make happy (otherwise, why bother).
bacon, shrimp, lots of nuts, nothing vegetarian is just an odd menu and would tend to exclude a good percentage of people, especially if you wrap that bacon on the shrimp, have bowls of nuts, tree or pea, eveywhere, and not much else… Certainly you could have bacon, toast, pancakes and eggs and people could either eat the bacon or not and the eggs or not. Vegetarian bacon and sausages are available and not too bad. Vegetarians eat a lot of foods, veganism is rarer and a bit more restrictive (no cheese, no dairy, no eggs).
Looking back at the original choices, maybe asking about food restrictions and even, yes, preferences, is the best way to go. Preference is a bit vague, but if someone just hates onions or something, I can put something out for them without it without undue hardship. Asking in advance means I can ask, so what does low carb mean for a buffet or what are tree nuts (got that finally) or maybe “so what do I buy that you would like for the vegan dish”?
The pronoun thing is strange. Am I going to ask everyone if they are he or she, or just folks who dress sort of androgynous, or if I am at a youth event or what? Seems like you could really annoy people. Or if you start referring to everyone as you guys … I think we are working on this one as a society, even Smith has issues.
I have had events where by the time I planned food that was vegan, gluten free, kosher or what have you, I felt like we were left with water and lettuce. I hosted a party once where I asked the guests to select which meal option they wanted and I put an email if they had dietary restrictions. One guest wanted us to specially prepare one of the food options because she didnt want the topping on the fish. Um, no we weren’t taking special requests for preparation-- that costs more and isnt fair to other guests. We offered this only for dietary issues. I suggested she might prefer the other food choice. Some people are nervy…
When S1 was four years old, he needed to have his tonsils out. At the hospital, one of the nurses was taking some sort of family history. My last name is different than DH’s and S1’s. The nurse looked at us and asked with which one of us S1 lived.
She assumed that, because of the different last names, we weren’t married. I thought it was naive of her, but I didn’t view it as a microaggression.
“No, from his tone he was clearly questioning me and suspected I was line jumping. Oh well. I’ll whine about his white male privilege and how dare he judge that a casually dressed woman didn’t belong in a United elite status line. Lol.”
Ha. Airports are full of micro and macroaggressions. Part of why it is so stressful. However, were you just standing in line, or did you cut in front of people? That would be a reason for someone to ask. One of my pet peeves at an airport is when there is an obvious line, they make the boarding announcement, and people just start cutting in from the side, not looking at anyone, like, “La de dah, nobody is noticing if I don’t look at them”. Hello, go to the back already. Or the people who stand in the fake line to get a jump on boarding, clogging up the real line, so you stand behind them when you really should be in front of them.
One of my fonder airport memories was from six years ago. I was sitting in an exit row with my older teenage son. I was looking at the exit row instructions, as I always do. Though I am very familiar, I want to be able to open the exit door even if the airplane is filled with smoke, and I can’t see a thing. When you rehearse something right ahead of time, know exactly how many feet and which direction the door is, if you can open it with your eyes shut, it is more likely that you will be able to do it, even injured or in shock. Anyways…
The flight attendant came over and asked everyone if they were comfortable being in the exit row, as they usually do. A older gentleman, a rather macho type, looked over at me and said, “Honey, don’t worry, I’ll help you”. This was not insulting, but quite delicious to me. I smiled, and told him, “Thanks, but since I’ve been a military or airline pilot for the last 25 years, I’m sure I can handle it. Thank you, though.” The look on his face put the biggest smile on my son’s face, who was trying desperately to control his laughter. So who was the microaggressor? The guy who was trying to be helpful, or the person who embarrassed him? If I was really kind, I would have just said, “Thanks!”
It’s the word aggression that throws me. People may be thoughtless, naive, make mistakes, be clueless. It doesn’t make it an aggression. Maybe microannoyance is a better word.
The thing that gets me is the “micro” part. If something is truly small, let it go for heaven’s sake. Here is how I view the difference:
Micro: I am very short. My company recently moved into a new site that utilizes space differently. The printer paper is now stored vertically and I can’t reach it. It’s not personal, so to me it’s micro. I ask to have some placed lower and sometimes it’s remembered and sometimes not. Still not personal. So I don’t get upset or raise a fuss.
Macro: I am very short. I live in a Victorian home with very high ceilings and a true butler’s pantry. The cabinets are also very high. My husband regularly stores things that I need on the top shelves. I can’t reach them. This is personal. I get upset and raise a fuss.
Macro: I am very short. when I was pregnant with my son, I was in my early 30s and had been married for a decade. This was a wanted child. At my OB’s office, I was asked if I wanted to “discuss my options” and at my Endocrinologist’s office (both of which I had been patients of all my adult life), I got a speech about responsible birth control. Despite having my chart in front of them and seeing that I was in my 30s, they assumed I was a teenager because of how I looked. Stuff like that happened to me a lot because of my size. Mostly it’s no big deal and not personal, like the tall person’s elbow in my face, but sometimes it’s actually something to get upset about. I hope to know the difference and treat others accordingly.
The bulk of business travel is still being done by alpha males who feel they own the world. Away from their controls (other alpha males), they may act like real jerks.
However, the unofficial dress code of first class is still pretty formal, so jeans and casual top are not making folks happy, even if they say nothing. People who qualify for free upgrades tend to dress at least business casual.
Annoyance implies that the “victim” should just ignore it and stop being so dang sensitive.
I think systemic non-inclusive language is more than an annoyance, and in the workplace, including college, should be at least frowned upon. For example, our school district took a very strict stance on bullying and also tried very hard to be inclusive, and you know what, it really did help. So if you stop asking every dang person who looks different from you “where are you from” when we are a nation of immigrants or making snide comments “wow, look at you, you can talk and chew gum” or other things, that is definitely less aggressive (on a macro basis) and can also make others around you stop doing the same thing.
If a large group of people feel you are not treating them with respect, you likely are not. The UC list for example is not just one person who is cranky, it is a list of things that probably 100s of people have found repeatedly annoying, upsetting, disrespectful, signs of prejudice, signs of underlying hostility over the years. They are telling you to stop.
There’s a dress code in first class? Who knew.
As I straggle through those exalted regions back to steerage, I seem to see a lot of people wearing things like sweats.
It’s possible that one isn’t treating others well, but in this culture it’s equally likely that there will be one person in every group who is looking for trouble.
At the university where my D is a grad student, there was a great controversy over the last couple of days about things hanging from the trees. Even the acting president got in on the hysterical rhetoric long before any facts were in. A young man went to social media attacking all and sundry in pretty vile ways for their racism and privilege. However, when, as was clear to anyone with eyes attached to a brain, that the hanging items were paper lanterns and their components that had been part of a university-hosted event. In order to soothe the tensions that she had caused, the acting president held a campus event to discuss the hate crime that never happened and it turned into a hate-fest. Far better to not assume ill will until you know what you are dealing with. When you’re looking for something to be offended by, even paper lanterns can become either a microaggression or a hate crime in your own mind.
The dress code for first class must be not only unofficial but possibly top secret. I don’t see any difference between the way passengers in first class and coach dress. Is this 1980?
One hundred percent agree, @zoosermom!
I bet myself money when I heard the original headline that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. When oh when will we learn to get the facts BEFORE we react???
https://www.insidehighered.com/quicktakes/2015/09/23/apparent-nooses-u-delaware-werent-nooses
I read about that, @zoosermom, and was struck by the way people on campus flew into outrage without asking the simplest of questions.
Consolation, my other daughter is getting married. I am lobbying (hard!!) for paper lanterns in the trees at the venue, so I just can’t get how anyone could think they were nooses, particularly coming after a campus event! I emailed the president in absolute outrage and she thinks she has nothing to apologize for despite her overheated rhetoric. My D was at the campus event yesterday and she had me on facetime during it. It was a full-on, rage-filled hatefest. Some of the people really think they were nooses but that there is a cover-up because the acting president said yesterday without equivocation that there had been a hate crime. There are countless pictures of the original event with lots and lots of pictures of the lanterns and their hanging mechanisms. Anyone who wasn’t choosing to be outraged would have seen the pictures, which pre-dated the outrage, and immediately recognized that they were the same things as what were reported as nooses.
Once people have expressed outrage publicly, they refuse to back down. One of the many problems with social media and the 24-hour news cycle.
Yikes zoosermom. Some people are looking so hard for microaggressions, you would think they were being paid to find them. Maybe they just don’t want to be left out of the most current #whatcoolpeoplethink.
Re: non-gendered folks and pronouns discussion between @PickOne1 and @Hunt a couple pages back:
There are not currently any non-gendered/unisex singular pronouns in the English language. I’ve posted this elsewhere from time to time (on multiple sites) but it has yet to resonate.
Ideas:
Subject: heir (pronounced “hair”)
Object: heirm
Possessive: heirs
Examples:
When a person goes for a walk, heir wears shoes.
When you buy someone something, you should give it to heirm immediately.
The person and heirs dog went for a walk.
Why is this necessary?
- Choosing he/she/him/her/his/hers, when we are talking about a singular person of ambiguous sex, is seen by some as sexist in some situations. Also, it’s just not as simple as “he” or “she” for some.
- Using plural pronouns and possessive pronouns (they/them/their/theirs) is incorrect when grammatical rules call for a singular pronoun.
I think that’s exactly what it is.
^ I don’t like the word “perSON” - maybe perpeople would be better.
Singular “they” is winning, @prezbucky. Grammar rules change.