Consolation, here is an anecdote that might help you understand how microaggression works (how it effects the reception of seeming compliments). Twenty years ago, long before microaggression had been coined, I was at a public ice rink near my home, taking off my skates next to a 5 or 6 year black boy. We were chatting. His mother was hovering a bit anxiously (why anxious I had no idea at first). He volunteered he had never been skating before, and I replied he was a “fast learner.” His mother visibly relaxed. I think, slowly pieced it together, that she was concerned that I would say something “aggressive,” like he was a great athlete. Saying he was a fast learner was far from the worst thing a stranger could have said. God knows what kinds of other things had popped out in the past. At the time I thought how difficult it must be to protect your kid from endless stereotypes.
When one comes from a place of racial, economic, gender, ethnic privilege, it is hard to image the cultural cages people want to put other people in. Of course there are inappropriate views of rich, white men, but those views of say Donald Trump are counterbalanced by Jimmy Carter, Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Spock, etc. Their cages are more numerous, their power more visible, and their opportunities to speak more obvious.
Well, now you are adding conditions. Yes, in that instance I would be irritated by it too.
For the record, I don’t think I have ever told a person to their face that they are “articulate,” even when they are. It would feel strange to me. On the other hand, people have said it to me, and I don’t feel condescended to when they do.
I think that the difference culturally is that a “confirmed bachelor” was assumed to be choosing not to marry, while a “spinster” was assumed to not have had the chance to marry. Which is why the latter reads as pejorative.
@mamalion, I understand how microagression works, and I think it is a real thing. I also think that it can be grossly overstated and overused.
I think it has to do with whether a person “hears” a hidden parenthetical: “You’re very articulate (for a black person),” “You’re very smart (for a girl),” “You’re very open-minded (for a white person).” Whether you hear that parenthetical or not depends on your experience.
Hunt, I think you are correct about a person hearing a hidden parenthetical.
When someone says to a fat girl “You have such a pretty face,” she hears the not-so-hidden parenthetical. It’s obvious. But should she be encouraged to take ALL compliments as the same kind of thing?
Whenever I hear someone say something positive about me or someone else (usually my kids, as they are who I have this type of conversation with), I think, “they didn’t have to say anything at all.” Meaning, if they didn’t really mean to compliment me or them, they would not have said anything. In other words, I do not interpret a compliment as a slight. (Unless its “Bless your heart” being said by a Southern person )
Well, it is a well-honed skill among Southerners to know how to insult a person through compliments. That’s veiled aggression, though, which again is something different.
I thought “confirmed bachelor” was usually a way of saying someone was gay? As was “he’s not the marrying kind”? Both of which were used to describe certain – but not all – of my bachelor great-uncles to me. As opposed to my father’s three “maiden aunts,” who lived together their entire lives and were referred to as “the Girls” within my family, even when they were octogenarians. (Only one of them, my Great-Aunt Lulu, was ever known to have boyfriends – I have photos of her dressed as quite the “flapper” in the 1920s.)
“If the Dean of my college comments on my shirt, it is definitely a micro aggression as he should be assessing our shared work and goals. If my neighbor says it, it would be more dependent on context, the neighbor, the shirt, etc.”
You have absolutely got to be kidding. Someone says “nice shirt” and it’s a microaggression? Hey, if the Dean looked at my shirt and said “nice t**s,” THEN you might have a case. But really now?
And that’s why it is so hard to avoid offending others, because we cannot put ourselves in another person’s shoes (/mind)… at least, not without spending lots of time interacting with that person. And how are we supposed to do that if we can’t even get past a comment that was meant as an invitation, or a compliment, or just “hi”?
I’m not saying we all need to arm ourselves with alligator skin, but maybe try this:
The next time someone says something that is offensive to you, continue talking to them anyway, if possible. Continue engaging them, and if you sense that they are worthy of friendship, let them know that what they said was offensive – and you can talk it through from there. But that’s just it: aside from some very obviously taboo words or phrases, it is not usually obvious to the speaker that he or she is being offensive to the person to whom he or she is speaking. Because we cannot read each other’s minds.
These days, it seems people are increasingly overreacting viciously to such perceived slights, when probably a more appropriate reaction would involve the following:
Forgiveness, if it was unintentional; or correction -- then forgiveness -- if it was not. Hanging onto grudges is not healthy.
Explanation of the perceived offense -- talk it out
Move on as friends, or pleasantly part as informed acquaintances.
Many years ago, when I was teaching preschool one of my students came to me crying, saying “The girls in the house say I can’t play with them because I’m not pretty.” I looked over at the 5 little blondes happily playing in the play house, then down at the child in front of me, the sole African American child in the class and thought, “Sh*t! How am I going to handle this?” As I walked “Sarah” back to the play house her father, the parent helper for the day, joined us.
“Did you say Sarah can’t play with you?” I asked. Five earnest blonde nods.
“And did you say it’s because she’s not pretty?” Five more nods.
Whether out of inspiration, training, or simply panicky stalling I took a deep breath and asked “What does that mean to you?”
The head blonde stepped forward and chimed up. “She’s not wearing a pretty dress.”
Looking down I realized all five were wearing silky princess dress-up dresses.
“So if she wears a dress she can play?” Five little wide-eyed nods.
Three minutes later they were all playing as happily as can be, dressed in six little pastel princess dresses.
I can’t help but wonder how different the Oberlin conversation would have been if the woman had responded, “I don’t know if you know this, but I’m the one who arranged for the speaker and I’d love your support. Could we possibly postpone the soccer game?”
While there are some who make arguments like “only a white person can be racist” and the like, it is possible for “microaggressions” to affect white people (not based on SES, sexual orientation, or other characteristics), although they are certainly less common in the US than “microaggressions” against non-white people.
My issue with microaggressions is that all people say and do a bunch of weird stuff that may have nothing to do with whatever protected class you belong to or even actually be about you, but the concept of microaggressions encourages everyone to take everything really, really personally. It just seems like a way to ensure that you are consistently exhausted and offended. (As someone who qualifies for multiple categories of oppression points, the weird comments that get to me the most are by far the ones that have do with my academic record and have nothing do with my demographics. Go figure. )
Microagression, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. It is a concept designed to appeal to emotions, not logic.
I try to treat others fairly and politely. I will not, however, tie myself up in knots trying to figure out if someone has been offended. If someone reacts unreasonably to ordinary speech, I will go out of my way to avoid that person in the future. Encouraging students to detect slights is guaranteed to handicap any future career.
"it together, that she was concerned that I would say something “aggressive,” like he was a great athlete. "
Again, you’re kidding, right? It would have a microaggression to have said to or about this young man that he was a good athlete? Would it only have been a microaggression since you were white and he was black? What if you’d been black and the child was white? Or what if you were the same race?
Not everything said to a person of color is because they are a person of color. ( insert other “marginalized” group).
Btw I am a white woman. Can I both commit and be the recipient of microaggressions? If so, how come my white make husband can only commit them?
I speak…therefore I microaggress…Guess the only 100% solution is a species wide vow of silence.
Oh…darn…wait…their are microaggressive hand signals…better tape those suckers into immobility.
Oh…no…I can still roll my eyes. An eye roll is a micro aggression…I know this because my kids personally micro aggressed me through a large part of their young lives.
Honestly, this is like reading a script for a stand up comedy routine.
May we all be ever so blessed as to have the time, social stability, and spare brain cycles to always identify when we’ve been so aggrieved. And to take a social media stand on what is really really important! (sarcasm off)
Oh heck…sarcasm is a microaggression isn’t it…I think I will go where people are not…it’s my only hope.
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