I know two older couples where the wife took care of the husband’s emotional needs, all the housework and cleaning, and had to deal with a verbally abusive spouse as they both became elderly and had increasingly bad health issues.
Both women just collapsed and became unable to do anything. A strange way for dementia to manifest itself, so very sudden, but that is what happened. I feel that in a certain way they wouldn’t allow themselves to not “serve” their husbands unless physical need overcame them. And so it did.
@KKmama it makes me sad to read your post. What reasons do your children give you for wanting you to stay? I can remember spending time with my in-laws and feeling so miserable at the thought of being like them. Just unhappy and codependent. I didn’t want my life to turn out like that.
My sister’s kids also want her to stay until she gets an RN job. He is a longtime long-haul UPS driver and the kids do not want to lose their standard of living or move. The kids are 10th grade 8th grade and 5th grade.
My daughters don’t see the abuse and I haven’t wanted to burden them with that. They DO see the narcissism and probably don’t want to replace me as his target when he needs to project blame and anger. They know he has always refused to pay bills or do our taxes so one of them will have to teach him. Plus then there’s the question of who to visit on holidays and all that.
I’m at the point where I have to put myself first. 35 years of walking on eggshells and leaving churches I enjoyed serving as pastor because he was fired from his churches and needed to relocate and stuff like that has been hard. Midlife crisis is a time to reevaluate life and change direction.Therapy has gotten me to the point of being able to leave. Until now I went to therapy a few different times and always quit when the therapist pointed out that in order to be whole I needed to get away from him. This time I stayed.
He is also miserable. One of us needs to have the ^*+#s to leave. He wont because he never makes decisions. That way things are never his fault. So I’m on the 16 month plan to get out.
@KKmama , I also wish you safety and happiness. My ex also has a hard time making decisions. He said he didn’t want a divorce but his behavior contradicted his words. The only emotion he expressed during the divorce process was about the house and the yard (even though he neglected those almost as much as he neglected me). For good or bad, my daughters were not surprised when I told them about the divorce. I think they regret, as do I, the marriage and family we didn’t have, not the ones we did have. They are doing pretty well. I do worry about their personal lives but again, not because of the divorce; instead, I worry because I see in them signs that their father’s neglect might cause them confusion and stress in romantic relationships.
I’m one of those who “stayed for the kids”. I didn’t want them to have to spend every other weekend with a parent who really didn’t parent very well. He was just not very caring or understanding, and had misplaced priorities. The kids didn’t seem very important to him. I knew that any weekends spent at “Dad’s” would mean they’d be left home in front of a TV or computer while he did whatever. I was also concerned that whoever he chose as a partner, might be someone I’d rather not have my young kids spend a lot of time with.
He left about 3 years ago to be with his new girlfriend. By then the kids were 11 and 14, he was hardly spending any time with the family at all, and he readily agreed that the kids should live with me full-time. Thank goodness! I set up the custody agreement so that he could visit any time the kids agree, that he is always welcome to invite the kids to spend time with him, can invite them on vacations, etc. Just no enforced schedule. But he spends hardly any time at all with them. He hasn’t seen them since late December. The kids have given up on inviting him to special events like recitals or the upcoming pre-graduation Honors nights.
His girlfriend relationship has been rocky. They keep splitting up and getting back together. Last summer, his girlfriend complained to my kids that ex-H spends too much at the strip clubs… um, thanks for sharing?! Way to keep it classy in front of the kids!
I would’ve been happier splitting long ago, but I’m really really glad I stayed until the kids were old enough to avoid the forced “weekends with Dad” schedule and to keep some distance from the “Dad’s girlfriend” situation.
@KKmama, I am proud of you for having the strength to do what you need to for a happier life. Wishing peace, safety and a much better place in life very soon.
Post 254-- referring to in-laws–" It didn’t have to be heavy handed and unkind; but subtle things work well and go a long way to set boundaries and keep the peace."
Obviously he hadn’t met my MIL. Fortunately H was able to be pretty blunt and straight forward when needed.
Oh, you know it is at least somewhat intuitive. If you are able to leave when you need to leave, that’s good. Just like voluntary turnover in employment is a plus for worker satisfaction. It’s when you feel stuck and can’t leave (because the house is underwater still, maybe) that happiness declines.
I’m not sure what the optimum level of divorce is, but it’s greater than zero.
I think divorce rates were higher in the 70s because previously, marriage was the only route to independence and adulthood for many women. Therefore, a lot of them married young and chose men who may have been suitable at the time but weren’t good for the long haul. Also, the women’s movement and Ms. Magazine were coming to the fore, and women were watching TV shows like Mary Tyler Moore which featured independent career women. They realized that they didn’t have do be dependent and were able to leave less-than-satisfying marriages, although I suspect there was also a lot of throwing out of babies with the bathwater.
It’s good to read you have a plan and are taking steps to make a new life for yourself. I hope you have a good support network around you, and ask for help when needed! Wishing you the best, most awesome years ahead!
@bestfriendsgirl:
That, and also that divorce laws were liberalized, with things like no fault divorces and equal division of assets and also women starting to work outside the home all played a role in that. I also agree that I think people because divorce became relatively easy from a legal standpoint were jumping before thinking, I remember talking to my therapist about this, and she said that people back then may not have fully grasped the economics of divorce or that maybe, just maybe, there reason for divorcing may have been more in the moment then they thought, and she said she had more than a few people over the years she worked with had big regrets about divorcing too rapidly back then…
As far as the happiness goes, I suspect to a large extent that that was probably recorded before a)women routinely had to work outside the home and b)before the economy started its path towards contracting, 1973 is usually considered the peak time for things like blue collar labor having jobs that paid well and gave them a middle class lifestyle (even though some industries, like steel, has already started their decline by then), it was also before inflation wiped out the dollar and a number of other things.