I’ve been divorced for almost one year. My feelings go up and down. Right now, I’m struggling a bit. I just submitted my income tax returns, and I’m thinking about my ex going along with his father’s desire to hide financial transactions. Also, I’m missing having a spouse with whom I might have been able to commiserate about our children’s experiences.
Yes, I agree, rosered, about the feelings going up and down. I always feel I made the right decision, but it is hard in the day to day living. One day I did call him about our younger son who was having health issues, and I was really surprised to find myself crying on the phone-- I was embarrassed. I usually am so calm and collected. I think I really was crying about the whole separation instead.
I am looking forward to the day when it is not so raw.
The support network can ebb and flow. Sometimes, good to get to the point where you feel comfortable expanding acquaintances. Many I know try Meetup groups. Not so much to bond deeply or lean on each other, just nice to broaden their circles, have people to do new things with.
AT the time of separation, I read a book that talked about two years of upheaval before things start to feel normal. That seemed like forever. In retrospect, it was about two years before there was a sense of normalcy.
KK, it rather breaks my heart that you never had the support and felt the freedom to tell of your painful experiences. You are so compassionate to others. I so wish you the best.
Jefferson, I wish you the best. It gets better.
I’ve been following this thread and debating whether I had anything worthwhile to add. Then I realized that CC is the reason I have been able to escape my own abusive marriage of 29 years. Somehow I didn’t consciously acknowledge the abuse until a few years ago, when in the course of college search for my youngest, I stumbled upon a thread here about narcissistic spouses. Suddenly I felt like I was reading about my own life. Fast forward through two years of counseling ( and yes, we tried couples counseling as well. He lasted four sessions, but the counselor actually threw her hands up in despair at one point) and I am now navigating a life where I can finally breathe. As to why people stay that long, I never knew that my situation wasn’t “normal”. He was my first and only relationship. My constant mantra was “marriage is hard work. I’m working hard for my marriage. Marriage is for life”, But despite my constant walking on eggshells, his anger and rage grew into physical abuse and death threats which became all too believable. The morning that my fear led me to write three letters to my children and place them in my safe bag, I knew I had to get out. My local domestic violence center was invaluable in helping me to obtain an order of protection. However, our friends and family were shocked. We seemed like the perfect couple. And I was consumed with guilt, as well as fear for my children and the hurt this would cause them, despite them being adults (27, 25 and 21). And yes, my ex is now trying to control and manipulate them since he can’t control me anymore. It is painful, but I feel I am finally setting an example for my children that shows them how to insist on being treated with the respect they deserve. They are learning to navigate their own way with their father - slowly, maybe painfully, but in their own way. He may be my ex, but he is the only father they will ever have, so I don’t want to poison that relationship in any way. Hopefully, he won’t either. So @KKmama, I wish you peace and strength as you navigate this difficult road. And thank you to all the CC community for always giving me strength when I needed it, even though I was often silent. Sorry for the long post.
This thread is incredibly touching.
I just want to throw out a book recommendation: Untangled by Alexis Rose.
I admit that I haven’t read it but it has amazing reviews on Amazon. I haven’t read it because I know the author and have heard her story first hand. It’s about PTSD and how she has learned (after many, many years) to work through it. She’s not “healed” and never will be, but she’s found a level of peace that she never thought she could.
I suspect there are many more stories like @KKmama’s, @Jefferson123’s and @foriobound that appear to the world as normal average marriages. Hugs to all those people.
This thread is touching and it makes me realize how lucky I really am.