I have to say KKmama is a gentle poster and I’m very inclined to take her word for it. IIRC, she’s in a field where understanding people, being non-judgmental, and helping is a skill.
Now, about our kids (or KK’s daughter). Just because they hit a certain age doesn’t mean they’ve navigated all situations yet. Many experiences are new to them and they have to go through some sort of evaluation and negotiating with themselves, to come up with the right answers, their own sense of what’s good,acceptable, vs not. They do not have our decades of observing how others handle ‘whatever,’ this weighing, confidence,and resilience.
Under stress and pressure, dealing with, eg, a parent who asks for favors of this sort, Mom can absolutely weigh in. It’s a tough convo when the subject is Dad. But I lean toward KK knowing how to guide, in a balanced way.
Nope, I can read. Telling an adult child how she is allowed to interact with her other parent is manipulative, regardless of the actions of the other parent. If I take it for granted that the poster is not misrepresenting. the other party. So yes, that is what I am hearing.
This thread has seemed to hit another dimension. Everyone’s story is different, and some people play the “why me” card. My S is like that, and KK’s comments are very similar to hers. My S doesn’t want to take any responsibility for her own actions, and blames everyone else and my father for being the ultra abuser that caused her life to be so crappy.
I applaud KK for making the choice to better her life, so at that point she took back her life. Before that if there were things that made life suck, you share responsibility. This is a major problem for my W, and my S, they will not share responsibility for their situations. I am not an abuser of anything, and I grew up with abusers for parents and others. I decided a long time ago that I would grow from that, and I have, but I am not going to lay blame on anyone.
Since I’ve accidentally hijacked this thread and it is an anonymous board: I was not very healthy when I met him… he knew about my incest abuse after we started dating but took me to an isolated gun club 50 miles from campus and raped me. A bad therapist convinced me I was the one who was screwed up so I kept dating him and then married him. I never told anyone this other than therapists because of the shame of being so stupid. He has continued to gaslight me and manipulate me.
Until two years ago I was the toxic waste dump for all his negativity and acted out his emotions so he could let them go. I finally stopped letting him manipulate me which is why he turns to our daughter- still refuses to take responsibility for anything so that he can’t be wrong. Therapists and the marriage counselor we saw when he was forced to after losing his professional standing (required for getting it back) all told me to leave. I finally got to a point that I can stand up for myself This is why I am finally able to get out but I have to get new certifications as a chaplain first- it’s actually what I started out wanting to do before I kept moving for him. I’m now typecast as a part time pastor to small churches since I had to take what was available when we moved. I love the churches but one knows it’s time to close. They want to see me employed first so timing is working out. I can start a residency in the fall, so we are planning for them to close in a year- it wasn’t fair for me to rush them in order for me to start this year. As a chaplain I can support myself and we are finally at a level in our mortgage where we can sell and have a small profit for seed money on new lives. Hence a midlife divorce I couldn’t affor til now and wasn’t assertive enough until now.
Since I’ve lived through hell for over thirty years I do not want my kid in that position. Of course she does not know about the rapes but has seen him write notes on pieces of paper and put them in front of my face while I’m driving after she told him to shut up and quit being obnoxious, and things like that. She’s often stood up for me but also inherited my sense of responsibility. And she loves her dad. She said she is getting annoyed with him and may teach her limit.
Sounds like it fits KK pretty well.
Congratulations on finding the strength and putting together a plan to move on. Your future ex will still be your daughter’s father, so I understand you want to protect her. You’re probably way ahead of me, but getting her to read some of the books on Boundaries and dealing with difficult people might help her cope. As you know, once they grow up we can’t fight their battles for them, but we can at least send them out armed.
@KKmama I too am afraid that my ex will try to manipulate out kids to help him financially when he has made the choice to no longer work. I get it. Hugs to you.
@KKmama - hugs to you.
I think my Mom planned her exit strategy in advance with the help of a trusted neighbor, I think my Dad had no clue. One day we were picked up from school by the neighbor and we moved into our new house that afternoon. Christmas tree and all. Only in the last 5 years or so have I looked back on my childhood and realized how odd it was. I never considered it odd that we just up and moved with the tree. OTOH we also never asked why my Dad was in and out of the psych ward. Lots of denial in my family of origin. I have cloudy memories of hiding under the bed in the apartment we lived in before my parents divorced. My older sister hated my Dad and I only learned a few years ago why. My Dad had actually tried to kill himself and my sister found him. He knew she would be the first one home.
In addition to having divorced parents I also had the only Mom who worked. My Mom left before we got up in the morning and got home just before dinner time. We took care of ourselves.
The one thing my Mom did do right was she invited my Dad into her home for every holiday. I think it was done for selfish means since she didn’t want to not have us on the holiday. My Step Dad was a mensch to marry a woman with so many children.
For those of you going through challenging times now and who have survived challenging times in the past, I wish you strength and send virtual hugs. <3
I second what @doschicos said. I’m so sorry for what you are going through @KKmama. These stories are a reminder that so many people around us are facing things we never see and know little about.
I echo the supportive comments made. My heart goes out to KK and others that are either struggling or have gone through difficult divorces. I know how tough it can be…sending hugs and, if it helps, I hope you continue to use CC as a place to vent, seek support etc.
My heart goes out to you KKMama. I am putting my story out there in the hopes that it can shed some light on this topic of mid-life divorces and how painful they are. I want to stress that it does take advance planning, and KKMama, you are right to be thinking ahead. There will be a feeling of relief you won’t believe when you finally leave.
I just left my husband right after Christmas. We have been married for almost 31 years. The marriage was bad for a long, long time. Some of the “highlights” include extreme verbal abuse, explosive anger on his part, moodiness, depression, all of which he would not seek help for, although ironically after I left he went on antidepressants. The abuse was always on the verge of becoming physical, with lots of wall punching and smashing stuff. He was always very apologetic afterward, but of course everything was my fault. He also had long periods of unemployment, and just a bitter, bitter attitude toward life. He was a mediocre father, I think because of the mental issues he has- just could not connect with them. I functioned as a single mom for most of their childhood.
Why stay? I too had to think about my finances, and wanted to get the kids through college. I limped by day after day until it turned into years… I fantasized for years about how I would get out and how best to do it. It takes courage to leave when everything you have worked so hard for all your life is on the line and I was not sure how he would react.
The final straw was a confrontation that was threatening to me, and made me say, enough, I have to do this now.
I began looking for affordable places immediately. I got some boxes and put them in my car. I planned what little stuff to take (trying to be minimalist), got my own checking account, and put in some money from my credit union from work that I don’t think he knows about. Found a very cheap but cute apartment that is about 20 miles from home but still commutable to work. Had my son and his friends and my sister move me while he was at work. I left a note. We are still in contact through e-mail because of shared bills and communication about the kids. It is all so very odd. He is polite, yet cold, and the mood swings are still very much there.
To be honest, it is very lonely at times. It is hard to have lived with someone for three decades and suddenly be living alone. I have some very good friends and my sister and sons to lean on, but it still feels very weird.
The kids are relieved that I have my own place and am making my own life now. I have a lot of guilt because of all the stress they endured living in a house with such tension. He is trying to connect with the kids now, they are polite to him, but will never have a strong relationship. He has told them he is filled with regret.
I’ve been divorced and am now remarried and in a better situation with a husband that is more like me.
I had a lot of negative things to say/think about my ex at the time of the divorce. That said, enough time has passed (8 or 9 years) that I no longer feel that way. I wouldn’t want to be with him but I do see I left at the crest of the hard times…and probably could have weathered it as many in long term marriages have. I now have a different perspective on the ups and downs…which hopefully will help in my current marriage. I wonder if others have felt the same…
Thanks to all who have offered support here and in pms. I actually never told anyone my story until last week other than a couple of counselors. Most people who know me know him and so I kept things private. Last week I was in class with two male students and our male teacher when a discussion on date rape and abuse led me to share. Between them and you I have finally gotten rid of 35 years worth of shame. Seeing some of your stories has given me great encouragement that it’s not to late for a restart.