MIL might come to visit H in hospital, what can I do?

Parent Cafe
1

Ok, this is more a vent than anything as I hope FIL can help MIL see the light.

H just had colorectal surgery on Wednesday. He was put in ICU for 2 days because his blood sugar was too high (he’s a type 2 diabetic). Other than that, the doctor thinks he’s doing well and today he was moved to a regular room. I have been calling everyday to give FIL/MIL updates. Today I thought I would be ‘nice’ and let H talk to his mother as I know she was very worried about him. H sounds like Mickey mouse and his voice is very scratchy due to the tube in his throat for 6 hours. He talked to his M for about 5 minutes and then told her that his throat hurt and to talk to me.

Later today, H’s niece called me to say that MIL/FIL were planning on driving up to visit H in hospital because he had a hard time breathing and they were concerned. She tried to talk them out of it, but they (mostly MIL) is adamant that they need to see him. I had sent pictures of H earlier today to MIL so I called to see if they got the pictures and then worked the conversation around to them visiting in about two weeks after H has been home for a while.

Their answer- we were planning on visiting this weekend- they were (are?) going to drive 500 miles on Saturday, visit on Sunday and drive 500 miles on Monday. My calm voice asking what their expectations were when they visited - “to stay a few HOURS”. And then me telling them that I would take them up (thank god it’s a military hospital on a military base) and we could stay about an hour made MIL very confrontational- “are you telling me the doctor won’t let his momma stay and visit for more than an hour?” My response- “No, I’M saying that you can’t stay for more than an hour as the best thing for him is rest so can can build up his strength, heal, control the pain, do PT/OT so he can come home sooner- not so he can get tired by trying to entertain you.”

I tried to reason with them, explain honestly that I thought that the 1,000 mile RT at their age (70 and 72) is not a good idea, that H needed to rest more than anything, that even I did not spend more than an hour during each visit, etc. Nothing worked.

I have to admit, when FIL took the phone, I knew then that MIL had stormed out of the room. There goes my halo… >:) They will call me later to let me know what their decision is.

I’m pretty sure his mother won’t take no for an answer (I wouldn’t if I was in her shoes and thought I needed to see my son…) so is there anything else I can do if they still decide to come up? I looked up the visitor rules for the base and apparently they only need a drivers license to get on base. I thought they would need me or D in order to get on base, but no… Although I did tell them they couldn’t get on base without me, his mom is sneaky.

Can I tell the hospital not to let them into his room if they happen to make it that far?

2

Oh brother. I think your husband would be the one who would have to ask the hospital not to let them see him. But that certainly isn’t going to go over well with the inlaws…as you know.

We had a doctor limit the amount of visits and visitors for a relative, but not when he was in a regular room.

Can your husband ask them to come at a later date?

3

Is he awake, alert, competent? What does he say? If he wasn’t then I would guess that you could keep them out. But really is this the hill to die on? What has their relationship been like with your husband and you before this happened? Is this fluke-ish behavior or par for the course?

It sounds like a boundary problem. The question is how deep does the problem go?

If this is a momentary freak-out on their part I’d let it go and give them some grace. They are probably very worried about their son. If they routinely cross your boundaries that’s a different thing.

4

You just tell your husband to close his eyes and sleep if he is too tired. Let them watch him sleeping.

5

Can’t help you, as no one would be able to keep me away from my daughter if she were in the ICU. Why not try to develop a Zen attitude toward the visit? If they come they come …

Your agitation over trying to control his parents would probably be more stressful to your husband than having them hanging around the hospital room for a couple of hours (especially if you maintain a calm, peaceful demeanor while they are there).

6

Yikes. Wondering if you could come up with a “reason” you will need more of their time later, like when he’s home. Sort of like asking your MIL to come when the newborn is a month old “because nobody will be bringing food and I will be trying to get back to work”.

Perhaps H will be recovering at home and you don’t want him home alone while you are working/going to the supermarket/ etc. and he’ll need help getting to PT, etc. Or is that potentially worse?

1000 miles on the road in such a short time sounds insane and a tad unsafe.

7

Just spoke with niece. She says that she thinks they have put the visit on hold- for now. And that I am public enemy number 1. I guess those updates are going to be uncomfortable. H asked them before the surgery to wait to visit after he returned home. His mom thinks she knows everything, what’s best for everyone and when she gets something in her head, there’s no stopping her.

H had her convinced before the surgery to wait, but when he talked to her today, the rasp in his voice made her think he was on death’s door. No matter that the pictures i sent have him looking okay considering what he has been through. When I mentioned to H about visitor’s and my visiting schedule, he appeared relieved that I would not be coming up every day.

8

Unless your H has an objection let them come and visit their son. You could take a break and take a few hours for yourself. I just really do not understand your reasoning as they seem to want to come. This is what most parents would do when one of their children is in the hospital. And think of the effort they are making to drive 500 miles each way. That tells you they really would like to see him.

9

It doesn’t really sound like visitors need to be limited to an hour. Sure, the patient will nap and go to PT but out of town visitors could certainly go to the coffee shop or do a bit of site seeing. If my H or I were sick, our elderly moms probably wouldn’t be able to visit and our Dads are dead. My SIL and BIL had no parent willing to travel to see them when they were both in the hospital in the last year or two so my H flew across the country to see his brother in the hospital. He sat around and read when his brother was sleeping. My different perspective.

10

Triangulation . . .

I wouldn’t want to hear this stuff from niece even if it’s true.

11

I think this all depends on how your H feels about visitors in his current state and what the expectations of your in laws are. It’s clear from these posts that people feel have really different takes on what they’d like in each of these roles.

12

If my son were in the hospital I would move heaven and earth to see him. Frankly, I think you are being completely unreasonable in attempting to block his parents from seeing him for no good reason. You may hate me forever, but so be it.

Sure, you’re the wife. She’s his MOTHER. Think about your own kids. How would you feel if your kids’ spouses treated you like an annoyance and an outsider if they had just had serious surgery! They aren’t going to expect him to get up and tap dance. They just want to see him. They are his parents.

I can’t believe you even considered for a moment asking the hospital not to let them up!!! As people are wont to say, Wow, just wow.

Are these people abusive? If not, have some mercy.

13

Honestly, if I was in your in laws shoes, I’d be concerned and want to visit my son too. Once a momma, always a momma.

I can understand you wanting your husband to get some rest but I agree with @nottelling that fighting the battle will cause more stress on your husband than having them visit.

I also like @coolweather s suggestion: “You just tell your husband to close his eyes and sleep if he is too tired. Let them watch him sleeping.”

I wish your husband a speedy recovery.

14

It’s their kid. I could be 90 and would want to be there. My advice is to stand down and tell them they are welcome.

15

Being a board with lots of parents, we tend to look at this through the parent lens. Of course if our adult kid is in the hospital we are going to be worried sick and probably want to be there if at all possible.

But then I think about it through the wife lens. Some in-laws are such pains in the butt (not all, of course) that I would not want to hand-hold them when I’m exhausted and stressed out myself. I will end up comforting them, feeding them, entertaining them - when my husband and I are the ones that need the help.

Not everyone has great relationships with their in-laws/parents. We’re blessed when we do.

I think grace and love are always good virtues to nurture in extended family. We all need it at one point or another. But nice, reasonable boundaries are actually kind. Some personality types do not respect boundaries so people are forced into looking mean.

OP I wish your husband a speedy recovery to health and peace and clarity for you and your family!

16

Thank you for your thoughts. I thought I would get a little roasting but no, I don’t feel as if I’m wrong about this. Although, calling the hospital and having them blocked is petty- so no I won’t do that. I could go on and on about how dysfunctional their relationship is, how they have only visited us twice in the last 27 years (and they aren’t poor, so finances aren’t the problem). After reading the responses, I need to clarify. She has never come to visit before of her own free will when he was in the hospital, this is a new thing.

H’s relationship with his mother is complex. She has been passive/aggressive for as long as I can remember. It has always been our job to visit them as “he’s the one who moved away” (her words). H tolerates his mother and over the span of our marriage, I was the one who scheduled our visits to his family as he would rather have not visited because his mother would always put him down and make jokes about him and his weight or whatever else she felt she could say. But when it was brought up she was only “teasing”.

I usually get along with her, but this time not so much. I understand what everyone is saying, but H himself doesn’t want people around- not just her but everyone. I can tell H what they are wanting to do and have him handle it, but mentally he is still trying to come to grips with this new diagnosis. We talked in length about his family visiting and he said he would rather not have anyone come up while he was in the hospital.

And to those who would say what would I do if I were in her shoes- I would say that I would ask the DIL when would be a good time to come up. NOT admit I was going to SURPRISE them with a visit especially when the son has specifically stated wait until he’s home.

17

I can see both sides.

Why don’t you just let it play out? Let them come, go with them to the hospital - maybe your H will be having a good day and a “few hours” will fly by. Or, if things seem to get rough while they are there, at that point strongly suggest the visit be wrapped up - and maybe suggest they let him rest the night and then pop in very quick on their way out the next morning.

They are going to a lot of effort for a very short visit. I guess that shows how important it is to them. Hold your breath for 24 hours - the time they are around - and hope for the best.

Mostly, I hope your H recovers quickly and gets home and out of the hospital! (better for MIL to visit in the hospital and get it out of her system - or she may invade your home when he comes home to recuperate!! - for days or weeks!!!)

18

I agree that I don’t really understand why you feel so strongly about not wanting them to visit their son in the hospital, and if they do then limiting their time to an hour. Is this based on what his doctor has told you? Because if that’s the case you can simply have the doctor enforce the visiting limit. But if it’s your own opinion that a 3-4 hour visit will cause your H to be in the hospital an extra day, then I’m not really following the logic on how that would be the case for someone who’s recovering well.

Plus I’m also confused why your husband can’t simply say, “I need to rest now” to visitors. That little sentence followed by closing your eyes is 100% proven to chase visitors from the hospital room.

19

If my kid were in ICU, no one could stop me from coming either. If my kid’s spouse wouldn’t let me stay at their place, I would stay at a hotel. Not sure why you think his parents expect to be “entertained” by him. I am sure all they want to do is to just sit with him.

Has your husband said explicitly that he doesn’t want his parents to visit. I know when I came out of the hospital after giving birth that I was very happy to have my mother around. I didn’t want other people (like my MIL or other relatives) around, but I it gave me great comfort to have my mom around. She took care of me so I could take care of my baby.

I think it speaks volume that his parents would be willing to drive 1000 miles to see their son.

20

Had a feeling. :confused: