I understand your concerns, but have a heart! These people are going to drive for 10 hours and you want the hospital not to let them in?!? I can see trying to maximize your husband’s ability to rest and recover, but surely they will be sensitive to his needs. Are there any grandkids they can spend time with?
Sounds like a rocky road with the in laws which explains your concerns. My guess is, as they are aging, they may have some regrets about the relationship and with your husband being ill those relationship concerns are magnified and they feel the need to visit even when they haven’t in the past.
Sometimes the approach and tone of how things are said is more important than what is said. Easier said than done I know, especially given the history. A firm but kindly stated, “MIL and DIL, I know you are concerned about husband and really want to see him. I know I would feel like you if it was my child but husband and I have talked and what he needs most right now is rest without visitors. I want to honor his request and as soon as he’s up for visitors you’ll be the first we’ll call.” or something along those lines…
@abasket thanks. I’m not going to do anything else. Apparently, in CC land I have done enough. my concern for MIL/FIL is mostly tied to the drive. Their idea- to come up for one day seems very unsafe. According to them, the only reason they have not traveled to see us has been because they don’t like driving long distances.
@doschicos . For the last three days I have said to both MIL/FIL almost exactly what you have stated. I have called them every day, talked to them, sent them pictures. Stressed that H wants to see him when he is OUT of the hospital. H is nowhere near death (also stated). Honestly I thought with H talking to them today would help ease their fears. FIL seems on board but MIL has this fear that he is going to die.
Let me also stress that H was in ICU for 1.5 days- only because the hospital doesn’t allow insulin drips in the regular rooms. He is now off IV insulin and in a regular room.
@LoveTheBard - yeah there are 2 grandkids. The same ones the MIL/FIL wold ignore when we would visit them. Both kids (now 20 and 24 years old) are aware that MIL/FIL have no interest in them. I would make us take a vacation (that we could barely afford) every year to go visit MIL/FIL - so they could get to know their grandkids. I tried for 13 years to have MIL/FIL get to know my kids. Had them call on birthdays, sent cards and pictures, wrote letters, etc. I asked MIL/FIL if they would like to have the kids visit for 2 weeks in the summer when FIL retired. Their response- no, MIL was still working. Even though FIL and unemployed SIL (and her daughter,. the same age as my D) was at home. H would ask why I was trying so hard when he knew his parents would not reciprocate. There is a long history of dysfunction on H’s side.
@oldfort . Yes, H has stated that he did not want them to visit while he was in the hospital.
I feel your pain or should I say your H’s pain. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past ten years with colorectal cancer. I really don’t enjoy entertaining visitors when I’m in the hospital. I’m always feeling pretty lousy. It’s been my experience with colorectal surgery that after surgery I have a lot of “issues” that require privacy. I would much rather have visitors at home. After about the first hospital stay I made it clear to all my loved ones that the only one visiting me would be my husband. People have been pretty understanding. Maybe the conversation should be between your H and his parents.
Wishing your husband a speedy recovery.
I wonder why you decided to share that he was in the hospital and not wait until he was home recuperating, knowing the history with the in-laws?
So sorry, ams, what a rough time.
To the OP, nurses can run interference in these situations if he is getting tired. While I agree that the parents seem to have a great need to see their son, if the visit gets too long, the RN can pull the “patient needs to rest now” line. Discuss in advance with his nurse.
@learninginprog they have never wanted to visit before. H told them so they wouldn’t worry. And in hindsite, you can believe they won’t be told the next time. As a matter of fact, H often heard about his grandmothers hospitalizations months after the fact.
@ams5796 this is our second round, but first surgery. I can understand your pain and hope for your continued well being.
Just because they visit for a day doesn’t mean they have to be in the hospital room for 5 hours straight. You (nurse, doctor) can set a limit of an hour at a time, and they could visit 3-4 times in one day, especially if a Sunday.
You aren’t going to change them now. I’d guess that the mother is getting older and not thinking straight, doesn’t realize how tired she’ll be after the drive. It would be a bad day for you, having to run interference, deal with H, deal with inlaws. I’d personally rather have them come for Sunday than to come in two weeks FOR two weeks!
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H has stated that he did not want them to visit while he was in the hospital.
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It’s his call.
“I have to admit, when FIL took the phone, I knew then that MIL had stormed out of the room. There goes my halo… They will call me later to let me know what their decision is”
My only thing to add is that I hope you can keep calm. As stressful as this all is, if you can hang on to your serenity (and sanity), it will be so much better. If you can do whatever you need to, whether it’s meditate, exercise, detach yourself, drink wine…please find a way to do it!
And you still have your halo, here with us on cc! 
And dollars to donuts MIL’s reply would be, “But we came all this way!”
Chuckle, I get it. On top of a difficult relationship through the years, now you’re faced with having to host and entertain them when you need to be concentrating your time, energy and emotional resources on your DH, and yourself. MIL may have unwarranted panic, but YOU know your DH is going to be fine and you’ll both be much more able to cope with a visit in a few weeks as originally planned. IMO she’s the one being unreasonable, not you, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t appreciate this unplanned and unwanted intrusion one little bit.
I also like the idea of your DH “playing possum” but then you’re stuck with entertaining them for the day. Agree with @“great lakes mom” about enlisting the help of the RN.
In my opinion, your in-laws are entitled to visit their son in the hospital without your permission to do so. And you’d only have to put up with it for a couple of hours and in fact, you could opt to not visit during the same period of time.
HOWEVER, that said, it sounds like your HUSBAND (the patient) does not want ANY visitors until he gets home. That is different than what YOU want dictating what your in-laws can or cannot do. So, I would ask your husband, who seems well enough to speak on the phone in this case, to call his parents and say he would love to see them when he gets home and doesn’t want anyone to come by at the hospital. He can assure them that the doctors say he will be going home around X date and things are on the upswing and relay what the doctors have said so that they don’t fear he is at death’s door. I think if the in-laws are discouraged to come at this time, it should come from hubby and his wishes, not yours, unless he was not well enough to speak for himself, which doesn’t sound to be the case.
What does your husband want NOW? Many people make the best plans prior to a surgery or hospitalization , but change their minds after the event . If he truly does not want them to visit , then he needs to tell them not to come. He needs to make the decision . While it may not be one that you would make for him, you need to respect that.
Probably would have mentioned the dysfunction initially. Otherwise, it sounded like you were being unreasonable. If there is not a good relationship, that is another story altogether.
As long as he is lucid, it is up to him.
From the OP…this fellow is in a regular room now, not the ICU.
Actually from our experience, visits in the ICU ARE often limited, and they don’t allow more than two family members in at a time.
But this guy is now in a regular room. So…presumably there are no limitations on visitors.
I agree with the poster upstream…I’m not sure this is a hill worth dying on. Once they get there, the parents may find that a visit of longer duration isn’t a good thing. But they can come back later in the day for another shorter visit.
And I totally understand that complex relationship…same in this family. And when my DH was in the hospital for over a week, his mother didn’t even send a card…and she was mad that he didn’t call HER.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much. At this point, too much has been made of this on both sides. You said your peace, your husband stated his feelings yet, now they feel unwanted (and probably a little guilty for their past neglect), no one wins.
Family dynamics get really complex during crisis times, I have found that the best approach to take - in the words of John Lennon, let it be. 70 year old parents aren’t gonna change now, best to just meet them where they are.
Perhaps take the high road and apologize for the bad feelings between you, you have been stressed but of course it would be great to see them. Best wishes for a speedy recovery to your H and to your family’s healing.
My mother in law is not my favorite person on the planet, but there is no way I would dictate how long or where she could see her son.
However, in my opinion, your husband’s needs trump everyone-if he doesn’t want her there, then she’s not allowed in.
Whatever he needs to get better is what he should have. If that includes not dealing with his mother, then I would say to the MIL “he has requested no visitors, including you, and I am honoring that request. Do not drive out here, you will not be allowed in to the hospital.”
I would not make the husband do this-it’s exhausting dealing with people like this when you feel good, and my goodness, I can’t imagine being in the ICU/hospital and having to deal with that if I’m sick.
Be fierce about protecting that.
I think the way we treat our parents is a lesson to our own children on how to treat us. If husband is in a regular room, not life-threatening, etc. as you say, then let him make the call–figuratively and literally. If it compromises his recovery to talk directly to them, then tread lightly vs fiercely. These “people” are his parents regardless of disfunction. They love him too.
I agree completely, @MotherOfDragons - very well said. If I were the patient in this scenario, I’d want my spouse to support me in whatever way I, as an adult of sound mind, specified. I’d want my needs as a patient to take precedence over whatever family dysfunction/hurt feelings/boundary issues might arise.
As a mom, the important thing to me would be what my adult child wanted. If any of them said, “I don’t want my parents there when I’m in ICU,” we would not go. We’d worry the whole time and cry and not sleep, but we’re clear on who has the right to make decisions like these. We do not know better.
@ChuckleDoodle, I’m sending you many wishes for a full recovery for your husband. You’ve been an excellent advocate for him, and I hope my husband would do the same for me, should the need ever arise. Stay strong.
thanks everyone. I spoke with H today and let him know what happened. He was extremely annoyed that his parents did not understand his wishes. I recommended that he call them to explain that HE did not want visitors, including them. I also told him that if they show up at the hospital, to have the nurse ask them to leave when he gets tired.
I know that many of you think I’m being a witch for acting this way, but this is what my H wanted. In future, we will treat his parents like they had treated him- not tell them about major surgery until after the fact. Which may not be the most adult way to handle things but based on this experience, they aren’t respecting his wishes to begin with.